Through My Eyes

On The Eve...

2011-07-09T13:24:00.000+10:00

...of my 27th Birthday, while rendered motionless by a problematic knee, I decided it was about time I came and wrote. I have thought about it a number of times however its rare to get time to myself. Not a block time where I can sit down and ponder, or babble or whatever it is I feel like doing.

A few entries back I made a list of what I wanted to achieve this year. I laughed when I read it because yes, I managed the January plan but that was about it. Shame. In saying that, there have been a large number of changes going on so all things considered I have indeed achieved things, just not the things I'd planned to. But then that's life and I'm pretty sure most of you are aware of that, be it in your own lives or indeed in following my own journey.

Tomorrow I turn 27. In the next three years I really only have two major things that I want to achieve. One is to publish a book, the other is to have a child. The first has never really been a secret, more that I need to keep saying it because I will run out of time life being what it is. The second a few of you have known about, and there are probably a few more of you who knew about the desire but that was as far as it went. As the months flip by, I find myself confronted with a number of growing body complaints. My fears are that as I near the age of 30, the genetic disease I have will start to take effect. Through the wonder that is Facebook I've been able to connect with a network and an organisation here in the UK for people with the same problem. And although the effects on everyone will differ, there is a general pattern and I'd like to be as active a parent as I can. I'm not panicking, I'm just aware is all. While Erin cringes at the thought of giving birth, hence that's my job, she has been very supporting and even getting on board with the whole being parents thing. Which I admit, I'm pretty happy about!

Moving swiftly along from a subject I could probably talk about for hours, work has well, worked out! Its been three months now since I finished with Back to Health. I only realised that the other day and was struck just how swiftly life has continued since then. Indeed I'm also every once in a while reminded about how much of my life, my emotions and general well being was impacted by that job. As much as I hate to admit it, what has been said is true. I'm much happier now. So, where am I at?

At the start of May I started at Pax Lodge! Yes, I'm a paid staff member of WAGGGS which is pretty darn cool, lets be honest!! Much has changed while in some ways much is still the same. On a day to day basis it may seem that I've traded one evil for another, but I don't believe that is the case. I spend at a minimum 15 hours a week commuting assuming all runs to time, so understandably I am tired. However when push comes to shove on even the most horridly stressful, complicated or annoying days, its worth it. There's a bigger picture coupled with the job that I was previously lacking. I'm working for an organisation that I am passionate about, in a building which I care about which has a history that is partly my own. You have to admit, that makes me a very lucky person! How many of you can say that about your own jobs?!

Obviously, I don't live on site which was a large part of the appeal of the position. I've done my time!! That sounds terrible, I know. But having previous experience living and working in the same place for 14 months, I know I couldn't do it again. Its a great thing to do, but I am at a different point in my life now, and it just wasn't an option. The advantage is that for the most part by the time I've reached the front door, work has been left behind at work which is nice and something I've not done for a number of years now.

Times Are A Changing

2011-03-20T12:24:00.000+11:00

Fickle is a word I like a hell of a lot. I think for such a short word it's just ideal to describe a certain feeling which at times can be quite complicated and you expect a word which is fitting to explain that feeling would be somewhat longer. Perhaps it's just something I think about and everyone now officially thinks I'm weird. Oh wells.

The biggest news of late was my finally being pushed over the edge and resigning from my job. It in itself is all rather complicated because its both gut wrenching and freeing. The closer my final days come, the more sure I feel that I've made the right choice. However, it's hard to say good bye to the patients (and there have been a wide range of responses) and the people I work with and its scary to know that I still don't have a job to go to. I mean, I have a week off, then we're flying out to the US for two weeks and then I need to get a job pretty soon after that. I'm sure it'll be fine. But it doesn't make the unknown any less scary. I am sure that can be applied to a variety of circumstances and I'm sure a number of you, if not all of you, can relate to that feeling.

In saying that, I have been working hard at applying for jobs. And I've spent more of a focus on jobs which I want, or for organisations I want to work for. Yes, I've registered with a few temp agencies because the bottom line is, I will need money!! But I think my general level of happiness will improve greatly because I think there will be less of that feeling where I am constantly fighting a losing battle. Its all a bit too morally disheartening. I can't function like that and I feel like I've come far enough in my own journey to finally be able to do that about work. And things I don't really have to do, or choose to do. I mean, there is always that little voice which gets worried about decisions I make. True, at the moment life is not ideal and if it all boils down to it, I'm here and now because of a choice I made. Yes, moving to the UK was a choice Erin and I did make together, but I pushed for it a lot more than she did and I think she'd have waited a while longer. However, it's done now and here we are. Its sort of empowering really to know that life can be influenced that much and changed to much.

Which makes me think about all the people in Japan. To be going about daily life and suddenly have a natural disaster like that unfold, and then have more bad things happen on top of each other . . . I think it certainly challenges the spirit of a nation and a culture. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Its heartbreaking to see it on the news, and to hear how things are still unfolding. I thank my lucky stars that I do have the life I have and lets face it, I'm happy and healthy and have a steady place to live. I have people who care about me around me.

Ahh TV is so entertaining. There's so much rubbish on there! And what qualifies as entertainment is crazy. I feel somewhat horrid for going from Japan's Disaster to something as unimportant as TV, but I have it on in the background at the moment.

I'm debating going outside. It feels like springtime is finally here. There is sunshine and cloudless skies out there. Yes, its still kinda fresh out there but its so lovely to see the sun and see how pretty it makes everything. I was thinking about gardening. Not today, but soon. However I really don't know all that much about it! I like the idea of growing things, but I don't have a great track record in doing so and I'm also wondering if I should have started planting things by now? I haven't a clue!!

Is it Time?

2011-01-14T17:01:00.001+11:00

Time struck me today. Yes that's right, it reached down and hit me on the side of the head with a force unlike any I've ever felt. No, not really, but provides for an interesting image doesn't it?! The hands on my watch, extending out from the face, swishing around in the air and making contact with my skin, snapping my head sidewards . . . but back onto my point.

I was sitting on the train thinking about things. Seems I have been doing that a lot lately. Not necessarily in a bad way, just like my brain has started to want to process again and I wander off into my thoughts and it needs to be something jarring which brings me back to real time. Point being I was watching the rain dribble down the windows and it occurred to me that this July marks a decade since I first went overseas. I mean we've been saying it for a while now, how we should have a SOAR reunion and get together. As it turns out, there is a chance we could be doing that but I don't know, it seems crazy to think that it's been a decade. Really?

There's a part of me which can't quite comprehend my life in decades. Yet it is. I'm two and a bit years off three decades of life. I can't fathom that it's ten years which have passed. But then something else came up the other day which made me think the very same thing. I've not a clue what it was though. 'Oh it's been a decade since . . .' nope it's gone, long vanished from the memory.

To Show For It

2011-01-13T18:37:00.001+11:00

As yet another year of my life passed me by, I realised that as an individual I didn't achieve anything. And I can hear some of you now, screaming at me YES YOU DID! But let me explain. For the most part 2010 was a year I'd like to forget. Looking back I don't feel like I have a whole lot to show for it, as me, as Rachael.

In 2010, as a part of a relationship, I went through a lot and ultimately achieved a great deal after a great amount of effort. Not only did my partner get into the country, but we legally Wed and are now Wife & Wife. Which I do admit to gaining great joy out of, especially when I drop it into a conversation! Makes people pause. And amuses me.

From a career point of view, as a practice team, we did accomplish a great deal. And we should be proud of what we were able to do all things considered.

Being a member of an International Movement, I joined the UK Girl Guides and found a unit which seems to have become home, as twisted and as crazy as they are. I do quite enjoy my Friday nights. Some may argue that this was for me, and in some ways it is, but I also place a lot of faith in going good for the community. Thus, I am.

When I talk about not having anything to show for that twelve months of my life, I talk about the things which are for me personally. Take the London LOOP for example. I had intended to finish it in 2010, but as it turns out, I didn't even walk a single leg of it. I attempted NaNo, but failed to reach the word count. I had hoped to do something about my writing. But in the grand scheme of things, I just let life happen and the time pass me by.

Frankly, it pisses me off. I am not, nor have I ever been, the kind of person who does that. So I got a little indignant about it and decided I needed to achieve at least one thing each month this year that is for me. I still have a few months to fill in, but I'm thinking something like this:

January: Complete pitch for Publishing Competition
February: Wedge every single day (for my neck) and Firewalk (thanks Vic!!)
March:
April:
May: Complete two legs of the London LOOP
June:
July: See Harry Potter, opening night.
August: Enjoy my Wedding Celebrations & catch up with Family and Friends
September: Complete two legs of the London LOOP
October:
November: Write 50,000 words for NaNo
December:

Yes, there are still some holes in it. But you get the idea. While I have given it some thought, there is still more to be made and no doubt over time it'll change a little. But I want to have done something, be it for personal gain or enjoyment. For me. As an Individual.

Primitive Fear

2011-01-11T15:41:00.000+11:00

I feel somewhat self centred in my motives for writing this blog.

There are times when I want nothing other than to talk about myself and what I am feeling. Which some might argue is the very point of starting a blog. Honestly speaking however, that's not something I tend to follow through on because of the public nature of this document. Which in turn sort of renders this a redundant activity to immerse myself in.

On the other hand there are the times, like today, when I feel so helpless or scared or in awe that I can do nothing else other than write. In the grand scheme of things it can do nothing to bring about change. Not really. Not with things in which there is no control. I mean some change, but not now, not like this.

Right now Queensland is flooding. The worst since 1974, with the anticipation that horribly the worst it yet to come. I guess it wasn't until I was reading about how the city of Brisbane was having its power purposefully cut off that I understood how extreme it was. Yes, I've seen the photos and the video. But it's not until I read those very words that I felt scared. And I'm on the other side of the world. I can't imagine what it must feel like to be there, in the same state, the same region, the same city, the same street. It like watching one of those end of the world disaster movies, you can do nothing but sit there and watch it unfold. The difference being that this is real life. These are real people in real situations. And I feel somewhat helpless. Like many people to I should imagine.

It puts a lot of things in perspective too.

For me 2010 was a bad year. One I am ready to wipe from my memory like writing on a chalk board. Okay, fair enough there are a few moments I'd like to keep but for the most part it sucked. Some of that has carried over into the New Year. I'm still struggling. With a lot of things really. But when I think about people being swept away and pets being lost and homes being destroyed, I realise how much I still have to be thankful for. Yes, I have friends and family in Queensland. And not to discredit my love and care for them, but some of the most important people in my life are here with me. I can't imagine being swept away from them. I would be gutted. I know I would. The sheer thought of it makes me want to grab hold of my loved ones and never let them go.

Again, the reality is I can't. And it scares me. I begin to realise just how insecure I have become in some ways. How fragile I seem to think my foundations are. And I can't understand why. I've always been such a strong person. Right now is not the time to have that fail on me. I have some choices to make. Some truths to face up to. I need all the strength I can find. But physically I simply can't and its now taking it's toll on my mental well being. So I get scared easy.

Which brings me back to the floods. Many years ago I remember being shown a map of the future world. A Spiritual friend of the family showed it to me. I can remember thinking how unlikely it seemed to be. Thinking that parts of the world can't be flooded or eroded. Not like that. Not so soon. Not in my lifetime. But then as I got older and more worldly, I understood that for a lot of reasons it could very much be something that will happen in my lifetime. And so when I get scared, in moments or disbelief or despair, I think of that map. And when I see the images of the flooding on the TV, it's all I can think of. When I see the photos, I see the map. When I read the stories, I can sense the tears, the fear, the panic. What if it were sooner?

All that, and I'm not even there. Gosh it must be terrifying.

I'm not big on the power of prayer. However, I'm thinking now might be the time to change that.

Impulses

2010-08-17T15:21:00.002+10:00

I thought it might be interesting to follow up on my previous blog. Yes, indeed something was burning!! It was a Chinese Market/Store that started just before I started smelling it and continued well into the next day causing chaos with trams and people alike. Thankfully no one died.

That aside, I felt like writing. Actually the oddity is that I was just randomly poking around on the NaNo forum walls for the region and well, they were kinda quiet. And then I was thinking about NaNo in general and realised I was quite looking forward to November again. I have no idea what I'll write about this year, but strangely so that does not bother me. I think I like the challenge of it. I think I like how it's not something I have a huge amount of control over. I like the chase, I like how I get a thrill from seeing the word count go up and up.

Erin has finally arrived in the UK which is great news. In fact it was so easy for her to get through customs that she was out and in the arrivals hall before I even arrived at the airport! In saying that, her flight was early and we worked out if it had arrived on time, I'd have been there. But such a drastic difference to January! Thus now we're trying to adjust to being an 'Us' again. It is quite strange really. No, not strange. Just odd. Different. I know I spent so much time thinking about and remembering that life we had back when we had it . . . it's much harder to slip back into than I thought it would be. And after 15 months apart, that's not actually all that surprising.

In addition to that, I think a part of me is shifting too. I can't really explain it. I won't even attempt to. There's just that thought or feeling that something is to come. Who knows, maybe I'll get a really awesome job!! Or win the lotto!! Or maybe I shall get a really cool camera soon!!

Alas, break is almost over. To work I go . . .

Night Burning

2010-07-28T22:50:00.001+10:00

Its well into July and I realised that it has been some time since I last blogged. Years ago it would have been writing in journal, and while that still happens, technology has moved on. That's not to say that I still don't use the conventional pen and paper -because I do. I believe I always will. But it is much easier to type, I can get out much more much quicker. I've had this discussion multiple times before.

I guess what always strikes me is how much can happen in such a small amount of time and how intense the emotions can be which are attached to them. You would think that with so much going on in life that writing would be the logical way to sort things out. And usually that is the case. But more and more I am finding that the thoughts, the words, the expressions just want to stay in my mind. I'm yet to figure why that's the case because as some of you know, it's the easiest thing in the world for me to do. Or it used to be. There's a huge block there now days, almost like an inner censorship which will not allow things to leave the confines of that silly grey matter aloft up there.

This evening my windows are open. Like most really. However, the scent of what I can only associate to a campfire has come wafting in. Some person out there has quite randomly decided to burn something not realised just how far away it can send me. As I sit here in my boxed up flat, I find myself not looking at the cardboard, not aware of the couch or the carpet, of the time of day. Rather all I can think of in my mind, all I can feel around me, are the moments in time I've found myself at Minda Killara. There are some quite pivotal moments had there, as a girl, a teenager and as a young adult. I find myself missing the place. I guess I'd not given it much thought until right now. How I yearn to sit in what was once the chapel, a clearing on the side of a hill looking out over the gum trees in the morning light, listening to the Kookaburra's calling to each other.

Its a big week. This weekend I make the move to South Croydon, I'm looking forward to it, but dreading it all at the same time. Moving is stressful. Though its nothing compared to moving half way across the world, this still somehow seems challenging. Within mere days of that, Erin shall arrive. To be honest I'm dreading the return to Gatwick airport. While I know that the visa has been approved, and I know nothing should go wrong, and while I anticipate a long wait, my gut just isn't happy. Like I am expecting something else to go wrong. Its a rather negative outlook to have, I know, but I guess I'm waiting for the next bump on the road. It could be somewhat nieve to think that from this point on, things should start going in our direction, life will return to normal domestic bliss. A part of me wonders if that will ever happen again. Almost like I have forgotten what that feels like.

Amazingly, its been almost two years since the move to the UK was decided on, some nineteen months since it was executed and a long sixteen months of ups and downs here in Old London Town. What is it like to be normal again? To a degree it's been partly normal, I've got a job and a routine and had a place to live. And yet . . . its been abnormal too.

Understandably there's a lot of uncertainty. That's to be expected. However I'm tired of that being my excuse. I've used it so much in recent times!! I'm tired of it being expected, I want it all to settle down again!!

Hmmm, how's that for a side track. I write because I can smell and remember a comforting place. Though when I say it like that its less random and more significant. I have just realised, this is the longest I have ever been gone from Australia. Wholly crap. Yep, I've been gone 19 months!

Working, is it?

2010-06-27T14:56:00.000+10:00

Something which has astounded me this past week is just how out of touch I have been with things. The past few months have been tough, which is both known and understandable. But the scary part is how self aware I was. The answer, not very. Communication via many means has been at an all time low. Days blurred into weeks simply by sleeping, eating and working. Sleeping too little, eating too much and working away at a job which has consumed my soul. That's about the best way I can put it.

Lets get one thing clear. I am grateful for a wage, its been better than nothing, though the reality is that I live month to month. Barely. But I live. I'm also incredibly lucky to have worked with the dwindling team that I have. I certainly have no gripes about them. Nothing beyond normal. In fact, should they know it or not, in some ways each of them has played a role in supporting me. And it's this which I've realised has become a problem. My key issue is that I am far too loyal. I don't mean to say that big headedly (is that even a word?). In fact some of you have openly told me that its a flaw of mine. And I'm starting to see why.

Right now I'm caught between being the loyal person I am, and being selfish and careless enough to want to walk away. Bottom line is I won't because I'm not that stupid to put myself in a situation not to have a wage. For those of you who know me and know me well, I can be a passionate person. I've always been a hard worker and I've always been lucky enough to work with and for, people who value that.

I've become aware of how far away from that person I have become. I've come to realise that my current employment situation has not only worn down my working spirit and ethic, but my expectations as well. Frankly, I don't want to do anything. And why should I? That seems to have become my attitude and I HATE that. I've never been against a lot of hard work for little in return. But the difference has always been that it's been worth it. My current job, is not.

Yesterday afternoon I sat on the North End here in Croydon. And can I say, there are far too many pubs in Croydon, make of that what you will. As the sun lowered in the sky, I watched people walk by. I started to think about how life is going to get so much better and that the promise of the life I want is much stronger now. How the blockage has gone. Which is ironic really, because we talk about blockages at work, though we actually use a different term. The irony is that work itself has become a blockage. I need to get out, I need to save whatever remains of my former working self before it too is gone. But on the flip side, I don't want to let anyone down.

I guess in some ways I should have seen this coming. Stupidly I turned down a job just before Christmas. It really didn't pay too much more than I was earning. At the time there were great discussions with the powers that be about how things were going to get better. Its now six months later and I actually believe things are a damn sight worse. All I could think about yesterday was that how maybe I'd missed my chance at Christmas, my chance to escape and move on. Now I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.

When talking to Erin about how brilliant it is that she's finally going to be able to get here (and it totally is, in case you've not gotten that yet!!) she said that it didn't solve all my problems. I laughingly said it didn't matter, it would make them better able to be handled. In part I was right, but in part so was she. In fact I think having one part of my life go right and free up some of the consciousness, it's made me more aware of other areas that are lacking and wrong.

Yes, I am a believer in things happening for a reason. However if I reflect over the past 12 months, I can't quite figure out the benefits of taking on this job. Aside from saving me from more months of unemployment. If we are to learn something from all things, all happenings in life, what the hell have I learned from this? And how has it been to my advantage?

The Wait is Over!

2010-06-18T00:10:00.000+10:00

I've been crying. Yes indeed, I will admit it to the world, I sobbed and sobbed! Not tears of sadness, but joy, and more over, release. I hadn't quite realised how much I had been trying not to think about how I felt. And when you consider the level to which I was aware, the fact I'm aware of even more only begins to describe how things have been.

I'll be honest, this past week or so I'd all but convinced myself that life was going to drastically change for the worse. I'd been thinking about single life, about where to live and what to do. I had a third anxiety attack. It was all over and done with because I couldn't handle the waiting. It sounds silly really, but it's been a long 15 months apart with a brief, yet stressful, four days together. And yet today, June 17th, the news finally arrives that Erin's visa has been approved!

The love and support I have been given these past few but long months, has been amazing. Family, friends and my Phile Family have in both large and small ways continued to remind me that no matter what the outcome, people love me and will be there for me in any way that they can. To those who wrote letters of support for the Visa application. I thank you in more ways that I ever could. There were some beautiful words said, and know that they are treasured. To those who listened to me moan, complain, cry and yell, indeed all the spectrum of human emotion there are -I will in debt to you. It's not been easy putting up with me. But you have and you are still here. That means the world to me. I am sure I could keep listing. To everyone else, you know who you are and what you have done.

Indeed, there is still lots to do. Plan and move and save and sign. But we know. We have our answer. The plans we made and put on hold can again start to move forward. No longer will life be on hold. It took time, and far more patients and emotions than I knew I was capable of. However I can surely say it has been worth it. Much needs to happen now, but by comparison, to me it seems easy as now the wait is over.

Now, I can sleep.

That's Twisted

2010-06-17T15:40:00.000+10:00

No big news yet! Let's just get that out now. Still, there are a couple of days left of the week so I shouldn't rule it out yet. However, another curious thing has happened this week which I hadn't expected and isn't entirely a bad thing. I've started to write again. I'm not even sure what set it off to be honest, but it was almost like I woke up, and it was there. The urge. That idea. Can I tell you how great it felt yesterday (one of the many instances I've had) to pick up a pen and just write, to have the words flow out and fill half a page in no time. I didn't even know what I was writing about, I just wrote it. And it's not half bad for a mostly unconscious effort!

I've a couple of small choices to make this week, nothing hugely dramatic, but I think I have them sorted out. And peacefully so. Which I'm glad of. And one I am a bit excited about. No, I'm not going away anywhere, unfortunately! Though I really would like to.

Guides this week and next week sees me at the steering wheel. We're going to do the Australian Challenge which I've got to be honest, isn't really all that Australian. I mean bits of it are, and in occar form. Anyway, I'm looking forward to it. I'm enjoying being with an active unit again, though the timing is bad because summer is not far off starting and there will be a huge break! Just as I was starting to get the hang of some of the kids names! The end of term will be a Decades Night, for the Centenary, and each patrol is taking a decade and running an activity. Some are going all out and dressing up big time!! Others not so much.

Yesterday I ventured into the Croydon Library and signed up for a Library card. Only took me a year. Ha ha ha, no point rushing into these things. Initially I was excited by all the wonderful books I could borrow, but I have to admit to leaving feeling somewhat dismal and disheartened by the collection they have there. Seriously, it leaves a lot to be desired for. Unless that's a reflection of the community which is both unsurprising and surprising considering it is a student town.

Great Expectations

2010-06-14T18:17:00.002+10:00

There is something in the air today. I'm not really sure what it is. Sure, probably the usual mix of pollution, garbage and onions which by chance seems to be the vegetable fragrance of choice around here of late. I'm not sure why that is. However, there is also something else. A sense of knowing I think. No. A sense of expectation, like big things are going to happen.

True, this could come in any great shape or form. I dare not hold my breath in the hope of news of the visa coming through. I think that might be expecting just a tad too much. But it's something else. It's something big. Seriously, I have this sense of awe and excitement much like I had getting on the plant to fly to Pax Lodge a couple of years ago. Minus the fear of course. Heck, I had no idea what I'd let myself in for then!

Quite simply, I can't shake it. As a result I've been in an unusually good mood today. No, scrub that. Not a good mood, a positive mood. Nothing has bummed me out. Not my laundry, not my dishes, not even cleaning the hair from the shower drain. Oh come on, hair falls out when you shower! And seriously, I don't scoop it all out after every single wash. You don't either, so don't judge me! However, we're not talking about my cleaning habits. We were talking about great expectations.

Thus I put it to fate now, this week better be a promising one! I expect it to be! I expect a big piece of good news, got that?! I'm just not sure what it is. Actually I feel for certain it's not the visa. I think it's job related, be it my current employment of maybe the prospect of future employment? Yes, it's job driven. Or related. Ohh maybe someone I work with has good news. Ohh maybe there's a baby on the way! Or someone is getting married. Or a raise Or . . .hmmm that one I can't announce to the world as it's not mine to announce. But that's a thought . . .

Oh wow, now I am excited!! I even think I am looking forward to going t work tomorrow!

Blah Blah Blah

2010-06-10T17:30:00.000+10:00

It's a month until my 26th Birthday! I'm entirely sure why I have an ! at the end of that line. Admittedly I'm not all that excited about it. I've been far too concerned thinking about how quickly (in some ways) time has been moving along and how quickly I will be 30 soon. I think I'm having a midlife crisis. Or mid twenties crisis.

I'm in a weird mood. I actually feel like company this evening. Which is odd because usually at the end of a day at work with so many people coming and going, the last thing I want to have to deal with is entertaining guests. Eh. It'll pass no doubt. Lately my emotions are like the seasons. Too many in a day!

The day started with me looking at people and hearing nothing but that noise the adults make in the Charlie Brown cartoons. Seriously! And the brain has been so slow to process things today, I feel like the computer at work. Always slow to process. As the day went on, I was excited and mused by a few different things. Then I went to Mothercare which opened a whole can or worms I'd rather not go into at the moment. And now, well, I just am. Right here in this moment. A lull. Something exciting needs to happen people!!

The Waiting Game

2010-06-08T22:43:00.001+10:00

I've always considered myself to be a patient person. Depending on the circumstance, some would say I have the patience of a saint. I on the other hand know there are times when quite frankly my patience fails me and all I feel like doing is slamming someones head into a wall. Oh come on, this should not come as any shock, I am a redhead after all!! Besides, you can't tell me you've not had one of those moments. Ever. Circumstances, I know, I know.

My patience right now is pushing the limit, though much different to anything I've experienced before. We've now entered into week five of waiting for news on Erin's Visa. I know the reality is that I need to pace myself, there still could be a few weeks of this to go, but somehow it's managed to creep up on me without my knowing it. I spent most of Monday unable to focus on anything. The coin finally dropped this evening as I was walking home as to what is causing all this unrest, this fidgeting, this lack of attention. Indeed, what has caused the onset of my anxiety attacks to return.

Yes thats right. For those of you who didn't know, I suffered from them upon my return to Australia a few years ago. With thanks to a supportive friend, a great therapist and eventually some medication, I got them under control and eventually they were gone. I should have seen the signs really. I had a small one a week back. But at the time I'd just put it down to being tired. Indeed stressing out about things. It was the one which crept up on me walking home this evening that made me understand that somehow, some way, everything that I am feeling (or not at times) is because I am waiting.

It sounds stupid I know, and the easiest thing in the world to say that I should just get on with it and wait and see what happens and sort of plan some damage control for either outcome. Have a back up plan. Have something ready. And indeed I did do that. Have done that. But there are factors and outcomes involved in all this which not everyone is aware of and may never be unless they need to. Which is fine, that's my right. I remain, as always, a private person in certain matters. Its just that, I have moments where I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a river and the water is rushing by all around me. I watch people come and go and plan and laugh and all the things which come together when living life. I'm just there. Waiting. Waiting for the bus that never seems to come when you've got some place to be.

For what it's worth, I've probably been ignorant enough until recent months to this feeling. The reality is for Erin that's something she's been dealing with for some time having put an education on hold in the hopes of having her personal life sorted. And to a degree, maybe I knew that and maybe I was aware that I myself was doing that too. I just didn't expect it to all come shouting at me all at once. I find myself wanting to check e-mail every 5 minutes. Check my phone. Check anything which might indicate to me what is going to happen today. Tomorrow. Next week or god forbid, next month.

I wish I were like people who lost weight when under pressure. Clearly I am not. I unfortunately was blessed with the curse of eating my emotions. Or drinking. Or smoking, though that one not so much any more. I constantly feel like an addict must feel waiting for that next hit. I'm jittery. I can't seem to focus too much. I seem to have this energy which needs to get out but somehow manifests not into the desire to take a walk (or laughably so, a run) rather I've realised it holds me prisoner. In a room. In a building. In a mindset which can think of nothing else and it's driving me mad! Gah!

A-hem. I'll calm myself. Its times like this I wish it were November and I could bury myself into the need to finish NaNo. And trust me, I've tried to fool myself into thinking it's the perfect time to write, to explore and expand the world of past, present and new characters. But when it comes to sitting down, hands poised over the key board all I get is that stupid blinking cursor sitting on the word document before me. And then I lose focus.

Thus it becomes a vicious circle. Dearest Immigration Visa Person, where ever you are, please, please, PLEASE hurry up and make your mind up. On the flip side, knowing also scares me. I can't win either way.

The Road to Plymouth

2010-05-28T22:12:00.000+10:00

I'm not actually going to take the metaphorical approach to that one! Basically, I need a break, albeit a cheap but effective one. I've been asked a few times now why I chose Plymouth. Pretty much I looked at my UK map, chose somewhere in Britain I'd not been to yet, was far away and cheap enough to get to. And here I am!

The idea of a 5h 20m coach journey might seem like a nightmare. True, I ended up with a stranger next to me who stunk to high heaven of airplane (you know that stale air smell, and admittedly she did get on at Heathrow and admittedly she said she'd been on a plane all night . . .). True the bloke behind me never once got off his phone. True, for a multitude of reasons the journey became close to 7 hours. But frankly, it didn't matter. As strange as it sounds, the further we drove from London, I could almost feel myself relax. Put everything out of my mind and just enjoy the scenery, the brilliant tunes on my iPod and consider that the only thing which would improve the trip was if I was actually driving. And somehow I don't think Dave would be okay with that. Mind you, by the time we got here he may have been willing!

When I chose a weekend to take off, it didn't occur to me to check for a Bank Holiday. And then when I chose Plymouth, it didn't occur to me to check for the annual Plymouth Mini Marathon . . .but oh wells!! Point being, the traffic today was chaos. Combined with road work (which there seem to be a hell of a lot of!) we were all ready behind in time before we got to Bristol. By the time we got to Sedgecombe, we were so far behind that we had to stop because Dave the driver had to take his mandatory 45 minute break. Frankly I didn't care. I was enjoying the trip! The scenery was stunning and it was a glorious day! Sunshine and blue skies.

The coach's final destination was Penzance, and the irony was not lost on me when Captain Jack Sparrow boarded. I'm serious!! Though I was disappointed when he alighted here in Plymouth. Speaking of which, there's a WalkAbout here! I've found my entertainment for tomorrow night! Anyways, along the road I spotted deer, a hawk and a dinosaur. Driving through Bristol I saw a group of guys in women's bathing suits. Armed with cans of beer. No doubt they'll have had an interesting evening!

Plymouth was lovely when I got here. Seaside!! It has been a stunning evening and I've just sort of relaxed and enjoyed a TV! I found my way from the bus station to West Hoe with little or no direction or help, just the memory of a birds eye view map of the area! I came to the Guest House/B&B I'm staying at where I was greeted by the husband of the couple who own the place. He's Spanish and introduced himself with his Spanish name and seeing my concern at being able to pronounce it properly, he declared that I could just call him Justin! I'm staying on the second floor in room number 7. Its my own room, has a shower and sink it in and the toilet is out on the landing. I quite like it. And the bed is comfy and I have a TV, lol. So it really is a holiday!! For those of you who don't get that, I don't have a TV at home and haven't for over 12 months now.

Anyways, I unpacked everything and then went out for a walk to a local store and purchased a few bits and pieces in terms of food and snack type stuff for the next few days. I then stopped at a fish and chip shop and got my dinner, then went and sat on the seaside and ate it. Literally, it's like a 2 minute walk from here, if that. We actually have a roof top garden here and the view is very cool! I am thinking I may go sit out there at some stage over the next few days and do a little reading. Maybe Sunday evening.

Still Waters

2010-05-23T22:28:00.000+10:00

Oh my goodness, was that Summer who dropped by today?! At long last it seems some full on sunshine and heat has arrived. And a descent temperature showed up as well, clouds vanished and the streets were empty. Everyone was too busy stripping off and laying in the park!! I can only assume this mind you as I didn't wander very far from my flat today, but that seems to be the trend here. A little sunshine equals a lot of skin. I'm not going to get into that argument because my point always seems to be lost! I must learn to argue it better. Perhaps one day I will. That day though, is not today.

Today was better than yesterday. Simply because I was left up to my own devices which is always an added bonus. In saying that it was filled with domestic duties. Thus it frees up tomorrow for a much more impending task at hand, and one that has been continuing since the middle of Feb. Though that in itself seems to be an echo of words I muttered this time last year. Its fate puking itself up again no doubt, trying to teach me a lesson I missed the first time. Well newsflash: I missed it again because I'm in almost the exact same position!! Almost. At least this year I have a job. Which doesn't say a lot really, and not that I am ungrateful or anything, I just know next time I ought to think things through a little bit. There are so many aspects of that problem I could have done without, I promise you.

Right now things feel a bit like a calm lake, right before the monster comes out and grabs you. I'm tempted to just jump in and cause a splash and make rippled. But its also scary too. I actually hate this feeling because I don't know what's next. I should have seen it all coming really, jamming myself in between a rock and a hard place.

I'm not really sure I'm saying anything at all, just writing words for the hell of it. I've not made any sense of anything, though perhaps if you've made sense of it, you're one up on me!! Its getting on in the evening. I was awake into the early hours of this morning, and kind of dozed a little earlier this evening which I should have guessed would have been a bad mistake. Will make sleeping this evening and interesting task to say the least.

Along the Edge

2010-05-16T21:21:00.000+10:00

Its been incredibly hard of late to put into words what it is I've been feeling and will continue to feel for some time yet. Late this afternoon I took a nanna nap. Yes, laugh, but that's not where I was wanting to take this!! During this nap, I dreamed a vivid dream unlike any I've had for a very long time. Scope wise, it felt like I was watching a movie at IMAX, on a massive screen in 3D motion.

I found myself walking along a high clifftop, right along the edge, arms spread either side of me to help me hold my balance. To my right spread the ground with trees and grass and roads and buildings. An elaborate canvas of colour and life, with birds and cows. Long grass, short grass. An abundance of stability and foundation, in a representation of all that is routine and solid. A person could run and laugh, dance and sing. The sun shone. It was perfect. Yes, solid is the right word.

When I looked to my left there was nothing. A vast expanse of space as the ground gave way to what could only be described as a canyon. The feeling as I looked out was much like the one I had standing on the edge of the Grand Canyon, only bigger. I couldn't see the bottom. There were thin clouds and moisture. A great opening of soundless air and chills waiting to swallow me whole. If I fell I would fall slowly, arms waving frantically and my face filled with fear.

And yet the duration of this dream I walked that fine line in between. Right along the edge. Constantly looking from left to right and right to left. The edge continued in front of me for as far as the eye could see. When I woke, I realised that is what I felt. Its what I feel. Like everything right now is a delicate balance and until my footing fails me and I fall either way, I must continue straight ahead being taunted and teased by each possibility but never knowing which way will end up being my fate.

Life has become heavy. I feel that for the first time in my life that if I had a remote control, I would not fast forward nor pause, rather I would rewind. Now, let me say this firmly and with certainty: I am not wanting to move back to Australia and I am not regretting the move. But what I crave is a life which at one point felt complicated but in hindsight I know really wasn't. Not truly. To pause life as it is right now is to be stuck in a void of nothingness, nothing beyond simply existing. Fast Forward would mean knowing what fate had planned out for me, it would have the answer I am terrified to have, yet crave like a drug addiction. Thus my only option for grounding is rewind. To go back to a time where by comparison I felt happy. I felt secure. I did not feel scared. As a person who is constantly told how strong I am, how mature I am, how much I am admired for having guts and daring -I really am not that person. For what feels like the first time in my life I am terrified of so many, many things.

Mindless Stuff

2010-05-04T10:29:00.000+10:00

I wonder why it is you cannot cut your own hair? I mean, you clearly can. Just pick up a pair of scissors and snip away. Chances are the outcome won't be ideal, but you could do it. Its just that I'm in dire need of a cut. Its bad. And so I was thinking this morning as I was brushing my teeth, about how I could cut it myself and keep it somewhat presentable. Yes, I'm stingy and cheap I know, but I'm on a budget!! So my little mathematical brain was trying to think about angle and cut and well, it just didn't work out for me. Tips anyone?

Then on the way to work this morning I started to think about sunglasses. You see, its been bright enough of late that I've needed a pair because the daylight is hurting my eyes. I mean, bright sunlight. Yes, we do indeed get some here! Point being that on Saturday on my way home I went and got a pair (yes on a budget, tis my middle name!) and well, I'm happy with them. Which is good. And rare. So I wore them home which is fine. But I also had them on this morning as it was bright and sunny out. And it struck me that I was the only person I could see who was wearing them. I felt a little bit odd. Actually if I am honest, I felt really daft!! I was just suddenly aware that I was like the people who wear sunglasses in shopping centres. Anyways, I began to wonder if I was the only person who was like that. Are my eyes really that sensitive?

You might wonder about the significance of these to rather mundane and pointless pondering. Its simple. For me its a sign my brain is starting to function again. There are times that it becomes so stagnant that there are no thoughts in there at all. Its empty. Hollow. Like a giant hall you can make footsteps echo in. Yet when I start to have these thoughts, for me its a sign that the cogs are beginning to turn again. Usually this doesn't happen until October, right before I am gearing up for NaNoWriMo. Right before I'm trying to think of something to write about, like my body is expecting that to happen. So I'm curious, what might this mean now?

Sunshine Days

2010-05-03T19:03:00.000+10:00

There is something brilliant about the colour which surrounds you in spring. Flowers start to bloom. Trees once more look healthy, grass is green and much more blue sky appears. When you add sunshine into the equation, what emerges is this canvas of bright and vibrant colour. Greens and pinks and blues and all sorts. Its really quite a glorious thing to see. Somehow it always manages to lift your spirits.

Goodness knows I need it. Genuine smiles these days are few and far between. All things considered, its a wonder I smile at all. But I do. That's one of the worst things about my job. No matter how I feel inside, you just have to keep smiling. Keep making people believe all is well and good. I sometimes wonder if thats why I find myself being so tired. Goodness knows my sleep patterns have been all over the place, but maybe its the sheer energy it takes to wear that face all day . . .true, some days I just can't quite do it.

A lot is going to happen. Six weeks from now life could be a very different thing. There is a fork in the road ahead and I'm driving about 100 miles an hour to get there. And I won't know I've hit it until I literally do. That's the scary part. I can plan and anticipate either outcome, but until it arrives no amount of prediction is going to help me deal with the reality of it. Sounds all rather dramatic I know, however the truth of the matter it really is. For me. For the people involved. What scares me is the distinct lack of support I have here. Emotionally. I really don't feel I have anyone to go to, not without it being weird or awkward. Likely on my part, but that's me!

Which brings me to a very special group of people I want to talk about. My Aussie X-Phile Family. Corny, yes. Very geek like, yes. The past month, maybe two, I'm not really sure because I've lost complete sense of time passing. Point being that for some period of time now they've been a source of love and support in a very distant way and when I least expected it. Truth be that we're from all over the place and I've only actually met four of them in person. Yet many more have been a part of some mass postage campaign of love whereby I come home at the end of the day and find a random postcard waiting from me. Even from people I have never met. More often than not, it makes me both cry and smile all at the same time!!

Just over two years ago now I joined a very small Facebook group of fans. Seriously guys, it was small. Over that time it's grown and they've become a group and a family I'd never expected to have and one I'm not sure many people will really understand. I've learnt a lot from them, and together we've each been rocks in time of a storm, a ray of sunshine on a dull day, a burst of laughter from the most serious of moments. I guess I just wanted to say, somehow, that I appreciate everything I've gained from them. I'm so far away from all that once seemed familiar during a period of turbulence unlike anything I've prepared for. And yet there, on the sidelines they wait, ready to swoop forward and hug me. Of sorts.

However, it also points out to me the lack of human contact I have. Lack of everything I have right now. And I mean everything. It scares me a lot.

I did indeed find a Guide Unit to join which I have to admit is very exciting. I've only been along once to see them, but I look forward to a bright future with them. A huge group of 30 kids all roughly the same age which will be a new challenge I'm sure. But it's an exciting one. I walked away that night and found that a small part of me had been revived. Bring it on!!

Let me point out. At this very point in time I'm not sad or depressed. Indeed I'm not overly joyous either, I just am. I'm thinking about things. I've been applying for jobs. Trying to figure out what I'm going to make for dinner. Listening to music, contemplating reading, tossing up the pros and cons of going for a walk and risk being rained on. My mind is going around in circles and I know that sometimes its good to word it out. And thats what I am doing.

Well see what started it was looking out my kitchen window and the now filled trees again. The thoughts just sort of flowed from there. As they tend to do.

You see . . .

2010-04-11T18:46:00.001+10:00

There's not a lot I have to say really. No I guess I should re-word that. There's not a lot I can say. That's part of the problem with a blog, unlike a personal, physical journal, it's something the world has access to. Mind you, past experiences show me that this too can happen with a real journal -you know who you are.

Point being I feel like talking. Not really to anyone in particular mind you, just talking. Trying to give method to the madness that rolls around in my mind every once in a while. Its like suddenly I've tuned into three different radio stations at the same time, one is playing loud banging music, one is static and one is a bunch of adverts. All different pitches, but all just pounding out at me. Makes it sound like I've little people in my head, banging on the inside of my skull. Which then makes me sound like I have multiple personalities. I do not.

Its just that sometimes talking something out makes more sense. Makes things seem real and plausable and practical. Not that there is any one thing bothing me, rather a few different things that sometimes I need someone else to talk to about to get their point of view. To make sure I"m not mad, or being dramatic or jumping the gun. I suppose I'm not really making all that much sense. In the grand scheme of things I am fine, rest assured its sunny outside and I feel happy. Which I have to add is nice, the past three days have been wonderful sunny, spring days and we're supposed to have a few more. This is the kind of weather I have missed. I rather enjoy it.

I've been reading much more lately. Laid off the writing part and decided to indulge in the work of others. Usually it creates this response, because I will have read something which has made me think about something in a different way. Then I'll have a conversation which then turns around what it is I've read. Like I don't have enough on my mind!! What I was driving to (man I miss that) was that in the choice to read much more (and varied at that) I have to be prepared to want to talk more. To think more. To verbally trace those very patterns. Only I wasn't quite prepared this time.

I've also realised I've used a whole bunch of words to really say nothing at all. What a bore I am.

During the week I placed my passport and Aussie drivers licence in an envelope and posted it away. That's right, I'm getting a UK drivers license. Which really I should have made a much more memorable moment. That was the last time I was to touch my first, full driving licence!! Such memories!! However in light that its shortly to expire and the notion that this summer I want to do a little driving, its time to let go of the old and welcome the new!! All I pray is that my passport comes back in one piece. Such a tight bond I have with that little book.

The other thing which happened during the week was the oh so close, but not quite, light at the end of the tunnel. I was offered a job! However, it was only a temp job and not a position I'd initially applied for. The idea is to take on a job that will provide me with a better income, not a lesser one! At the time I'd used the term 'job stability' but in light of recent times, I'm not even sure thats applicable any more. But yes, for a moment there I was very excited! Alas, nothing changes though. On and on I shall go until the next glimmer shows itself. At least I have a job, right? For that, if nothing else, I should be thankful. Well that and a few other things which again I need not go into where all the world can see.

Hmmm I think I am getting hungry. Tonight I am cooking Mexican.

Essence

2010-04-05T21:31:00.001+10:00

Every once in a while I need to be reminded why it is, of all the cities in all the world, that I've chosen to call London home. True the legalities of living in some cities are so complicated that it would take years to get right. Most would assume that London is the chosen one simply because of the convenience of having a Right of Abode. Indeed, it makes the process somewhat simpler. However, it's not the full weight of the decision. Personal life will indeed have its advantages living here, but there again it's not the full weight of the decision. No one thing is. In saying that, one factor does indeed sway me much more significantly then others. Belonging.

In talking to people about this, it always leads to one inevitable question: Did you not feel like you belonged in Melbourne? The simple answer is: no. The complicated answer is: I never had. Now don't get me wrong, Melbourne is a fine city, it's has a vibration of life unique to any other, it has beach and mountains and bush and snow all within a reasonable distance. People are friendly, the lifestyle relaxed and visually it really can be stunning. But a sense of belonging goes much deeper than that. Much in the same way you can make the distinction between a House and a Home.

When I was preparing to go overseas at 17, I somehow knew it was going to be an important trip. The clincher -I just didn't realise how important. Upon my return some three weeks later I was a changed person, both obviously and not so much. In that time I fell in love with Vancouver in the way that most people fall in love with places they go on holiday to. What the subtle, yet significant difference is, is a sense of belonging. I felt I belonged somewhere. For the longest time it confused me. I questioned myself over and over and over again as to how I could feel such a way when in reality I spent a little over a week in Vancouver before moving on elsewhere. As confused as I was about this, it clarified one thing: a simple sense of knowing that I would not live out my days in the fair city I was born in. I'd known for some time that this would be the case, that feeling, that hunch or even that hope that there was something more out there for me. What the trip did was made me realise there is a vast world out there, much bigger and complicated and cultured than Melbourne could ever give me.

The following year I ventured to the UK. In all honesty I hated London. It was this crowded, cramped and chaotic city which for three very long days I trotted around in. I really had no intentions to return. But as fate would have it, I did. At a time when I'd lost hope in a lot of different things a few years later, I made a selfish choice to take advantage of an opportunity that presented itself, I would go to London for five month, a city I did not have fond memories of. Indeed fate would step in again just a few months later, extending that stay from five to fourteen months and create a love affair unlike anything I had expected.

What I always find so challenging about London is showing it to people. I've done it a fair few times now, both in my volunteer life and that as a resident. Its a city that has so much to offer in so many varied fields, interests and even histories. When I ask what people want to see, they'll often say to me that I should show them what I think they need to see. And its here I always end up at a loss, not because there is nothing to show nor nothing to see, indeed far from, rather because we'd look at things from two very different viewpoints.

In my time in this magnificent city during those 14 months as a volunteer it was my viewpoint which changed and what bought about the love and affection I now hold. I stopped looking at London as a tourist and started to see it the way the people who live here see it. Most Londoners will avoid tourist traps with great skill and care. In a city of over a million people, the last thing you want to do is be in the thick of it all. And as time passed, I began to see past the crowd pullers and begin a rather delightful dance with the hidden corners and back streets. I found the life and pulse and vibe which had been calling me for some years. I suddenly felt I belonged. I'd found my people. I'd found a place where pretty much anything goes and where expectation can be as much or as little as you choose it to be.

Upon my return to Melbourne, I was lost. Not only had I changed as a person, but I had seen a bigger picture. I felt grander things and shared experiences that altered who I was and what I wanted. I realised that I'd distinguished that subtle difference -Melbourne was my House, yet somehow London had become my Home. As my life story continues, I followed that feeling and came home.

Like life everywhere, it can be trying. And like I said earlier, every once in a while I need reminding as to why it is I am here. Why I chose to come here. Again, personal life aside. What drove me here was not a legal right to remain, nor the ability to make my lifestyle choices more freely, rather its that sense of belonging. Of feeling like you fit in somewhere in this huge jigsaw of pieces which are completely different to each other. Most of the time I'm aware of when I need that reminder. But every once in a while it catches me off guard and it's not until I'm in the midst of that life or vibe or culture that I realise that yes, this is it. This is the essence of what it is I was searching for. This city feeds my imagination, allows for creativity and expression. Escapism as well as the ability to firmly ground you in what is going on in reality.

And what prompted this confession? Why it's simple. I simply got off the bus much earlier than I'd planned to. You see, I was up in Central London yesterday and homeward bound I was taking the 24 to Victoria to get my train. It was mid-late afternoon. The sun was out, there were a lot of people around and I was on the lower level of the bus, zoned out in my thoughts created by the music flowing from my iPod. The bus pulled up at the intersection of Shaftsbury Avenue and Charing Cross Road and I promptly got off. I'll be honest, I have no idea why! The bus pulled away and as I turned around, I noticed a large crowd had gathered out the front of the Palace Theatre (currently home to the West End version of Priscilla Queen of the Desert) and a rather loud band. Now in this city its normal to find a busker with an instrument. Perhaps a chair, an amp and a microphone. At the most. But as I crossed the road I came to realise not only were there amps and mics, but two electric guitars and a drum kit. I was looking at a complete band.

I stood there for close to 20 minutes listening to a group I'm going to dub the 'Jammers of the Desert' simply because even they admit they weren't a band as such, just some friends who liked to jam together. That said, they were awesome. Had I been the sort of person who knew someone who knew someone, I'd have been in there getting them a gig somewhere. They were really that good. And so I stood, amongst at least 100 people in the growing shadow of a giant stiletto, soaking up all of the things I love most about this city. Its life. It's pulse. Its rhythm. Its promise. Its spontaneity. Chances are they'd have been in a bit of trouble for busking where they were, but I'd also imagine the crowd would have booed a heck of a lot should anyone try stop them playing! Its was just so brilliantly alive.

Afterwards, I walked along with a spring in my step. Its so very hard to show someone that feeling. Its hard to show them atmosphere in places they don't expect to see. I stand firm by the notion that London is a city you have to live in to appreciate it for what it's truly about. Indeed I was not presented with an answer as to what I can show people, because that's the beauty of this place. There is something for everyone, no matter what it is they want to see or experience. Sure, I can lead you to Big Ben, through Trafalgar Square, take you to the theatre, see Buckingham Palace, ride the Tube . . . but I cannot show you My London, because thats the point. It's My London, its what makes London home for me, something that only I can appreciate. Its that feeling of belonging.

In saying that, if you're in the neighbourhood, do drop me a line, I'll be happy to show you around, but be prepared to tell me what you want to see otherwise we could end up anywhere :-)

Croydonia

2010-03-20T19:33:00.001+11:00

The weather at times has become mild enough to have my windows open once again. After pretty much three months of not being open (okay on occasion I did because the stuff air was getting to me and those of you who know me, it doesn't take much . . .) it's made a rather nice change. I've taken to opening the window when I get up in the morning and having it open of an evening when I get home for a bit too.

This morning I was sitting having my breakfast of Rice Crispies (Rice Bubbles damn it!) and cup of coffee and listening to the silence that is Croydon on a Saturday morning. By comparison to a weekday, it can sometimes be startlingly quite. Anyways, in the distance I heard the clocktower strike 8am. And it was like suddenly the world woke up. I could hear car horns, trains and police sirens start up. As if 8am marked the wake up call, and then the world was noisy. I came to realise that it's one of the small, yet remarkable things about the routine of daily life.

Like the Scary Scary Man. Each evening as I make my dinner or wash my dishes or whatever I might be doing in the kitchen when the time comes, he arrives home. At first I thought it was a once off and didn't notice it for a bit. But anticipating his return each evening, I've started to make note of it a little more. This evening the scene played out like it has been. Now I know it sounds odd and no I don't sit by the window and stalk people (cue Rear Window here). But I do notice things. He seems to be an older man. At first I noticed his OCD actions. He closes the drivers door twice. Locks and pulls on the handle three times. He then walks around to the passenger door, opens that, takes out his bag, closes the door, locks it and pulls on the handle six times. All the while muttering away to himself. In recent evenings of seeing this behaviour, I've been able to make out his words. And the whole time all he says is 'Its a scary fucking world, scary, scary, scary' and on occasion there are variations to it, but that's pretty much said a number of times.

And so I wonder what his story is. I wonder if he has a mental disability. Then I've also wondered if maybe its a front. He is kinda worried about his safety, and as a precautionary measure he puts on the mad man front in case any one decides to jump him. All things considered and remembering the stories I heard about Croydon just prior to, and shortly after moving here, its not entirely a bad course of action to take.

Then I wondered about the woman I see most nights walking home. She's got to be about 70 odd and has a very hunched back and wears a bright orange reflector vest. And yet, every time I see her, she's jogging. The woman has probably been doing it for years. So I wonder what her story is. Much like the (I can only assume) homeless who sleep outside Alders. They never bother you, don't ask for money in fact barely even notice you walk past. They're just there. Sometimes sleeping, sometimes sitting against the doors and even on nicer evenings sitting out on the metal seats. Like the other two I've mentioned, I wonder about their story.

Croydon really isn't made up of mad people, elderly runners or homeless. I mean come on, I live here! What I was trying to get to was that like most places, it has its characters. These people have always been there, yet it's only recently I've really started to notice them and I'm not entirely sure why that is. I notice the Reggae Man much more walking along the High Street. The man who walked his mini Schnauzer. During the lunchtime there's the woman in the bonnet preaching about God and the Bible. And the apparently Native American Indian who plays traditional music, sells traditional items and dresses rather traditionally. Or so you can only assume. Though I suppose most people in Croydon wouldn't know or care if it was traditional or not.

Its kind of reassuring to see those people. I'm sure you all know what I am talking about. You'll be able to name at least one person you see on a regular basis. You may not know them, their name, nor their story, but somehow they feature in yours, even if only in passing. In my quest of looking for a new job, people have asked if I would move away from Croydon. While practically speaking its an easy commute to London and Brighton, the reality of it is that Croydon has grown on me. As yet I'm to find the scary things which people talked about. True, I know of places that I'd not dare walk around in after dark, but again that can apply to most places. People are friendly, occasionally insane, but even then are still friendly and even sometimes polite. There seems to be all walks of life here. A variety of ways to dress and walk and talk and be. I like Croydon. I'm looking forward to a full summer here. I look forward to all the things which go on and believe me, it's a happening place at times!

Drive

2010-03-14T14:16:00.001+11:00

And that pretty much sums it up really. That's what I want to do. Drive. I just have this crazily overwhelming urge to get into my little car, toss in a good CD and head out for a grand old Sunday drive, out across the Westgate, watching the sun dance on the surface of Port Phillip Bay. Seeing the glass bouce sunlight off windows, try not to run over a cyclist heading through Brighton. Or maybe I'd head West, out into no where. Or maybe a little North, out through Whittlesea, the hills and mountains leading out to Flowerdale and beyond. The problem? That's not my life anymore!

Homesick? Not sure. Maybe a little. But not in the way most assume I would be by this point. I honestly cannot tell you the physical ache I have not to be able to just climb into my car and go. We have so many memories together! And so many miles together! I guess it's just the weather today, it reminds me of a good day to drive. Maybe it's because I just don't have that release any more. I often found the best way to sort out my thoughts was to just get out of the house and go. I remember once I went out to get some yoghurt and came back six hours later, no yoghurt. Its strange, I don't really miss my former life. I mean I miss parts of it, don't get me wrong, and I miss people too. But not enough that it holds me back. I just, I guess I have moments that seem like an out of body experience where I can imagine and feel what it was to be in a certain place.

I feel a little bit in limbo at the moment. Like I'm stuck between what was and what is to become. Which is indeed a new feeling. Makes a nice change from everything feeling just hopeless and horrible and just the routine of life. It feels like standing on the egde of the Grand Canyon. That's it, thats the feeling I have. Just like there is big expanse of open air in front of me, this gaping hole so beautiful, yet so scary. Good grief what was in my cereal this morning?!

Time to Think

2010-02-21T18:23:00.000+11:00

Around the world this weekend there are a lot of celebrations going on. Yes, it's that time of year again, it's Thinking Day. To all the non Guide people out there it really means nothing, but for those of us involved, not only is it like any other Thinking Day, it's thinking day 100 years on. Big, right? I have to admit to being somewhat disheartened that on this be celebratory weekend I'm curled up on the couch/bed with piles of snotty tissues (ah such a glamourous image!) feeling incredibly sorry for myself. I really hate the sick season!

In saying that however, I have caught myself at various times today thinking a lot. I think the whole disheartened thing was a large theme running through a lot of it. Thus far 2010 has been pretty sucky, with some news all unofficial like, which makes it crappier still.

I had to go through some photos today. Well, it was a three fold project really, two I've been meaning to do for some time now, one came to me today. I guess what I found in the photos was a lot of promise. A lot of happiness. A whole bunch of snap shots from a period of about 5 years of my life when I can honestly say there was a lot going on all for good reason. Now, not so much.

See, its nearing on 12 months since my arrival in the UK. And I really don't feel like I have achieved a whole lot. Don't get me wrong, I'm not ready to pack my bags and return to Australia, rather far from. And I also want to note that I never expected that 12 months on life would be perfect and peachy keen. Because in reality I knew that was never going to happen. I know a process like this takes time. Hell, I'm sure that 12 months from now there is a possibility I could still feel the same way. I guess, I dunno, I guess I've gone back to losing sight of what I wanted.

Even then that's really a lie. I've never been a person who has my life mapped out. Like most kids, I wanted to be a such and such when I grew up. But nothing ever really stuck. Going into high school I didn't really know then either what I wanted to do. I started to have a panic attack in my VCE years because the co-ordinators were piling on the pressure to make choices about a future I wasn't even sure of yet. So I finished high school and went into the work force, still not knowing what I wanted to do when I was a grown up, despite having all ready entered that world. Still, to this day, I really don't know what I want to be. I suppose that's consistency for you! I guess I worry a bit that I'll just let the years pass me by never having achieved anything.

And again, that's a lie. Because I know in my heart of hearts I've all ready done far more than most people ever will. But I've gone back to feeling like I don't have a purpose, like something is missing. In August of last year I had a faith crisis. And a few times since then it's raised its head again. So maybe what I am feeling is once again another faith crisis, I don't know. But what struck me today as I was thinking and looking at photos, is that I really have, in some ways, become quite idle. And I'll be honest, I hate that.

People dream of the right job. For me, I've not a clue what that would be. Surely I can't be the only person out there who feels this way? And not that I am having an age crisis or anything, because I am not as I know so much can happen and change in a short period of time. But in just over four years, I'll be 30. I used to know people who had their life to 25 planned, they knew where they wanted to be. Frankly, that scared the crap out of me. Why must I limit myself to what I only think should happen? That totally rules out anything that could happen. However, I'm now over half way in my 25th year, past that age where the plans stopped. And yet, I'm still just bopping along. Drifting.

Its funny. That was the title of my NaNoWriMo entry last year. A part of it came from this feeling I was having at the time. However, as with most writers minds, my imagination took over and it became much larger than a feeling and far more dramatic. I am telling you, somehow I missed my calling for Hollywood. But the bare fact remains that I very much had that theme in common with my main character. That feeling of simply drifting. Driving along an endless road until eventually you run out of road to drive on.

So, I hear you ask, what about Erin? Its funny, my relationship with her was something completely out of the blue. When I initially left for Pax in June of 05 just shy of my 21st birthday, people swore blind I was going to find myself a 'Lovely English Chap' and come home married. Or close enough. Imagine the surprise when a) that hadn't happened and b) actually I've met a woman. . . in saying that, I wouldn't change a thing. Erin has been the one constant feeling (despite the bumpy road it's been) that has kept me sane. That in many ways has kept me alive and helped me to become who I am today. In saying that though, I look at her sometimes and envy her. And in fact, many people in her life. Because they all went and did what they wanted to do. Or are working on it.

I guess what I need right now is some assurance that I'm not the only person in the world who feels this way. So please, if its you, or you know someone, get them to drop me a line!! To a degree I do have a little faith, I have faith in the belief that one day yes, I will wake up and know exactly what I am going to do with the rest of my life. But until then, I can't help but feel like I've missed something.

So anyways, Happy Thinking day everyone!!

Wide Open

2010-02-15T19:58:00.001+11:00

The final words of my last blog, the round up of 2009, seem to haunt me in the echos of my quiet flat. Indeed the start of 2010 came along and blew the doors of life wide open, far wider than I thought was still possible. Life is curious in that way. Just when you think the worst is over and that you've almost reached the goal, the aim, the end of it all, a curve ball appears from left field and you're sort of left standing there stunned. Wordless. As if woken from a dream that was both vivid and distant all at the same time.

Every once in a while, other words haunt me. Some which I have said, some which others have said. Combined, it does make me worry somewhat just how much more is going to be pushed and thrown not only at me, but my loved ones as well. I mean, surely there must be an emotional endurance level when once hit, that's it. You get an easy ride. Okay I can hear some of you now practically yelling at me that it doesn't really work that way. Logically I know this. But you can't blame a person for hoping now, can you?

A month and a half into 2010 and I find myself standing out on a limb. Stripped bare. Metaphorically speaking I feel naked, standing in the middle of Trafalgar Square on a hot summers day, the world looking at me as though they can feel and hear and be privy to everything I am thinking, feeling and experiencing. You know me, I am a somewhat private person which is somewhat laughable when you consider I write those very words in an online blog and spend way too much time on Facebook. I guess I mean more by way of emotions. I'll gladly tell people that I am fine when in reality it's likely I am not. Its a rare few that can actually get past that and find what is making me sad or angry or any number of other emotions I seem to go through on an hourly, daily or weekly basis.

Sarah, the wisest of my therapists (why yes, shock horror I've had not only one, but three) once said that while writing a journal is a great tool for personal benefit, it can also be a harmful measure for a person who remains a great deal closed off from those who care most about them. The idea behind a journal is to write the continuance of thoughts which a person feels they cannot verbally say. But when thoughts aren't even started to be spoken of in the first place, therein lies the problem. I guess that was partly the reason why I started my blog in the first place. It was a step towards leaving the journal pages less filled. True, I still have the option of choosing what it is I reveal to the world, however it's progress.

So, the point of this? In the 46 days that has been 2010 so far I've experienced an array of emotions at a far greater level of intensity than I ever have before. I've struggled. Some of you I have talked to about this, others I have not. Those who know me best know not to take it personally if I haven't, because it really isn't intended that way. Old habits die hard and I spent so long not telling anyone anything, that every once in a while I slip back into that routine.

There are a wide variety of issues for me at the moment. The most prominent, and most obvious, was Erin's arrival and very sudden and unexpected departure in January through no fault of her own. In the 10 hours I paced the arrivals hall of Gatwick Airport I was faced with a very real possibility that I might not even get to see her. In fact I was so convinced they were going to deport her immediately that when I was eventually told they were going to grant her temporary entrance into the country, I was somewhat shocked and a bit unsure of what to do with myself.

However, what stays with me most from those hours was the sheer physical pain as to what I was feeling. It hurt. I really felt like I was dying inside, like a part of me had been violently ripped away and I was never going to get it back. Now, I'm not a person to take things for granted. I've learnt to appreciate and hold onto the simple things in life. But what I discovered was that I was taking for granted that everything was going to be okay. That my Happily Ever After was about to happen and nothing could get in the way of that. I took for granted that I love Erin. And I do, don't get me wrong, but it was almost like that entire experience made me realise just how much I actually do love her. How much I rely on her company and care and love and warmth. To be suddenly faced with having that taken away, it took the wind out of me. It crippled my spirit. It rendered me alone and isolated like a lighthouse on the coast.

Many, many people have asked me how I am doing. What I am feeling and how I am coping. For the most part I've shrugged this off and said I am fine. There are several close friends I've not even discussed how I feel with and to be honest, I don't know why. I guess I just didn't want to feel those things any more. Despite the crowds coming and going in the arrivals hall, I dealt with what felt like the most traumatic emotions of my life thus far, alone. Part of me really doesn't want to feel that again. But a part of me knows that it's important to feel them and to release them and to let others feel some of it too.

So while I won't declare to the world here every thought and fear and emotion I have or feel, I can at least make a start and perhaps make sure that some of you don't allow me to get away with simply saying I'm fine. Because the fact of that matter is, no one really pushes. They just take the fine at face value. Ultimately if I don't want to talk about something, I can come right out and say so. But until I do, I often just need a little nudge in the right direction.

In saying that, I don't expect to be interrogated the next time I see or speak to you!! I guess I was more just wanting to say sorry to anyone who may feel a bit hurt by my not being open and sharing. I am feeling a great deal of things and being the control freak I am (come on people, lets be honest here!) I don't know how to cope and as a result of that, I don't want to lose control of the front which most people see as me coping. I think to a degree we all feel like that at times.

Thus, to answer the ever asked question: I'm good, all things considered :-)

Now, I do believe the kettle is whistling to me and two wonderful men by the name of Ben & Jerry are calling to me. Time to curl up on the couch and do some DVD viewing before facing yet another week in the world.

Good Night All.

The Year That Was

2009-12-29T18:04:00.001+11:00

It's time. Time to write and reflect over the past 12 months of life. Its the season to do it, of course, as not only another year ends but a decade as well. They've been calling these past 10 the Noughties which is a rather unfortunate name when you think about it. Ha, just 10 years ago I was 15 and half. Finishing year nine. What a year that was. But alas, it should be this past year I should be thinking most about. And so I will.

For me it's rather strange to think that I've been gone from Australia for nearly 13 months now, however have only been in the UK for 10 of those. I keep saying that once it's been a year things should have settled a bit, so in some regards I still have a little time. I suppose that's what has made the year a bit bumpy and unstable, certainly the first part anyways. You know this year alone I have lived in four different addresses. I do believe that's a new record for me! It's been the year of moves bought on by the biggest one yet at the end of last year, the choice to move to the UK. Since leaving Australia, I called Richmond KY, USA home for three months. Then I flew to London calling Pax Lodge in Hampstead home again for three months. Then from there I shifted to South London, living in Catford for two months before shifting once again to my current home in Croydon. Where ideally I'd like to say settled for a bit! I moved there on the 4th of July and now, just over six months later (oh my GOD I only just figured that out) I think it really is starting to feel like home.

A part of me in recent weeks has questioned the value of the past year. In some ways I feel like it's been a bit of a waste and partly feels like I don't have a whole lot to show for that passed time. What has made me feel like this is comparing the foundations I had in Australia to the ones I have now. Unfairly so. I've had to keep telling myself that the foundations there took 21 years to achieve. I can't expect miracles over night. And so with that in mind, I look forward to the New Year with the hope of a new job (one I choose rather than one which is simply there) and the hope of meeting more new people and starting foundations and creating memories and a life here.

Indeed it's been a rough year for the emotions. I've struggled with my depression much more than I thought I would. But again, under the circumstances, I've done quite well! I've said some hard good-byes some of which are much more long term than others. I've said hello's once again to people from my previous life here as well as my previous life way back there. I've stressed over being unemployed, then stressed about being employed. About money. About gaining weight again. About getting to the point where I am happy. Somewhere in there I dealt with painful wisdom teeth, a flu (several times), having domestic life prolonged much longer than it was supposed to have been and I even scared myself in there with a bit of an alcohol problem. This latter one, to relieve any concerns, is now gone.

However, I don't want to dwell on the negatives and what sounds like such a bad time because in all honesty, it really hasn't been that terrible. Its been an amazing year of growth for me and once more I learnt just how much I am capable of dealing with. To praise myself a little, a lot of people told me as I went into this that they admired me a lot for what I was going to do. At the time I looked at the move as simply something that I wanted to do to make myself happy. To make a commitment to the person I want to share the rest of my life with. I didn't see it as a big deal at all. A wise friend told me that I might not recognise the scope of this until later on when I reflected back over it. As always, she was right. What I've put myself through these past 12 months in some ways make me sit back in awe. Was I really that naive about it all?!

The flip side to all that is the series of adventures I've had. Some grand. Some momentous. Some special just for me. But each month has presented an adventure of some description. True to myself there are some which stand out more than others and some which words cannot even begin to do justice to. And so it's those now that I focus on and wonder just what the New Year will bring.

December saw me leave Australia bound for the US for three months starting with an awesome road trip across the Southern States of the USA. And what a trip it was! I think it worked out to be 15 days in total starting in LA (and then onto Disneyland!!) and ending in Kentucky. Along the way seeing sights which will always make me smile, some which leave me in awe and the chance of catching up with Shanna & Philip (and meeting Anna-Claire!). I blogged a lot about those days which I am sure should you wish to, can go back and read. The month also saw me celebrate my third Christmas Kentucky style, complete with fireworks, the Girl Scout gathering (which always rocks my world) and pasta on Christmas Day.

January will always be remembered not for Australia Day in USA (complete with beer and footy), not for the onset of a killer ice-storm (good grief living in a hotel is not really all that fun) but for Obama's Inauguration Day. Yes, I was there the day that history happened catching what could very well have been hypothermia out on The Mall amongst millions of people. It truly was an amazing few days and it was incredible to watch people come together for an event which represented so much hope for change for so many people. Washington D.C went from being busy, to really busy to sardine style busy over the course of a weekend and I was in crowds I hope to high heaven I'm never in again. But it was TOTALLY worth it!

February was the month of many more miles on the road. With thanks to the ice storm's effects which filtered over into the start of the month, our trip to Minnesota was postponed and tagged on later in the month with a trip to Des Moines to visit Erin S. In the middle came a trip to South Bend to visit Maggie (and Notre Dame!) where we ventured across to Illinois for a day in Chicago and a visit to my first Great Lake. Jeff (Fa-fa!) Dunham (dot com!) made an appearance in Lexington, KY which was totally awesome and very, very exciting for me (not so much for Erin who was stuck in the car with me). And then there was Minnesota via Des Moines. So. Much. Snow. Seriously! It was so beautiful! I saw my second Great Lake (it was frozen which was very cool), ate some great pie in Two Harbours and caught up with a grand old Canadian friend in Wisconsin. I also got to spend time with lots of Erin's family which simply had me in my element. I don't come from a large family, so it was a very new experience for me and one I honest to god hope to enjoy again!

March sucked in a lot of ways. I flew solo back to the UK to start on the adventure for some time I'd been feeling was one I was destined to make. I once again called Pax Lodge home and in many ways it was so strange to be back. While a lot had changed, some things hadn't and it took most of the month for me to get my head around how I was feeling about it all. A week after my arrival I had my first job interview which got my hopes up very high way too quickly. I was soon to learn things weren't going to be that easy. I spent some time getting re-acquainted with London. We celebrated Pax Lodge's anniversary and Earth Hour. I had more interviews.

April presented me with many more interview opportunities. Many, many more rejections as well. I met my first UK Philer (X-files fan) Victoria, whom came like a breath of well needed fresh air (V that's a compliment!). It also found two visitors from my old Pax days come and visit me. Both Saga and Ruth returned to London and it was great catching up with them. Saw some theatre in there, got a National Insurance number and came down with the flu. Bleh. Right as the month ended I enjoyed a dinner at Euston train station with another old friend, Mutley Ruth (!).

May equated to change. The month saw me achieve a decade long dream of finally seeing Gillian Anderson on stage which truly was an amazing experience. Coupled with this was meeting Aussie Philer Ros for some much counted down squeeness and some wandering around Grand Old London Town. My dear friend Kathy was in the UK and I managed to catch some time with her and Ruth to have dinner. Heather and I went out to Crystal Palace for the day. I was interviewed more. I moved out of Pax Lodge and down to Catford which was scary and exciting all at the same time. On the 29th I spent my last £7 on a rail ticket to get to an interview. The following day I started work. Fate for once was leaning in my favour.

June was epic. I survived my first week on the job as a thrown in the deep end CA for Back to Health. It was a long month work wise, working literally six days a week between Croydon and Richmond. I was tired. The commute from Catford was a killer. Then another Aussie Phile came to London, Sandi, and on my second viewing of 'A Dolls House' I finally got to meet Gillian Anderson. Such an amazing moment. Heart pounding. Palms sweaty. Programme and Pen ready. She made her way along the gathered line and despite me practiced efforts, all I did was squeak at her to which she simply smiled and moved on. Epic fail! Now I look back and laugh, but then I was gutted.

July marked my silver Jubilee, indeed I turned 25 -a quarter of a century! By way of celebration I had treated myself (indeed the first ticket I purchased) to a viewing of A Dolls House on my birthday. It was my third time seeing the show and by far the best performance I'd seen. It was much more powerful and moving than previous shows. That same night I met a bunch of German Philes whom I was likely to see again in October at X-Con in Berlin, but as things turned out, I never made it there. Rebecca from New Zealand also came to visit me and we celebrated with a pub crawl beginning around 2pm, among other things. It also saw the birth of Shanna's second baby girl, Aubrey.

August was another busy month. Rebecca returned to London once again for some more adventure. A friend from the Force back home, Christina, was also in London so in addition to wandering around this cultured city, she also came with me on Day 1 of walking The London Loop. It was a tiring day! Unfortunately not long after that came the news that Erin's visa was declined and the onset of dealing with being apart much longer than we'd planned to be. Late in the month I took a trip to Scotland with Heather to see the Edinburgh Military Tattoo and we were joined by Heather's friend Anne and my London buddy Victoria. Shortly there after I began to have wisdom teeth woes. Not fun.

September started with the removal of the first of three painful teeth. It also meant that plans to tackle the second leg of the London Loop were postponed and is still yet to be walked (I'll get there eventually!). I battled with loneliness a lot this month but on the up side, fall came to London and turned all the leaves red and yellow. The 5th marked my 18 year anniversary of being a Guide. I tagged along for a rather religious Sunday with Heather, Maia and Yvette which further made me question my faith or lack there of. Things as work continued to be rocky and thus started the thoughts of finding somewhere else to work. My flat started to take shape with more furniture added into it. The Croydon Food Festival happened at the end of the Month which allowed for two weeks of food, glorious food! Once more another baby joined the world, with Louise giving birth to baby Jack.

October arrived quickly. I turned my heating on for the first time. Yes, I was cold! Erin and I celebrated our fourth anniversary, however it was the first time we were unable to be together. Ruth returned for a few days and became my first house guest! Amazingly enough by the end of it we'd not killed each other, managed a trip to Brighton, the theatre and ate lots of yummy food. Oh and played lots of Skip-Bo! I also began to partly plan for my third NaNoWriMo attempt. Shortly after that was the fundraiser weekend of AXFF which I was able to semi-successfully Skype with the gathering in Queensland. Much to my horror Christmas arrived, decorations came into the stores, went up in the streets and carols were being played. I couldn't believe my eyes. It all arrived before Halloween, which (on the day) allowed me the opportunity to decorate the clinic and have lots of sweets on my desk. Plus I re-visited the challenge of carving a pumpkin!

November =NaNoWriMo. Enough said. Just kidding! My life in this month was pretty much dedicated to writing. I attended a number of Write-Ins where I met some new people and rediscovered my love of writing. For the first time in a long time, I'd started to feel alive again and its a feeling I found I'd missed. With a piece titled 'Drifting' I crossed the finish line three days ahead of schedule and 20 words over the target. Winter had arrived, fog started to show up in the mornings and we got a new Doctor at the clinic. This month Sally gave birth to baby Tess which was very exciting!! I made some pumpkin pies for Thanksgiving and ventured out to Wimbledon for Bruce's birthday.

December is here once more and is now almost over. With it came the arrival of horrid cold and damp weather which has covered the country in stark beauty. We had snowfall and a lot of ice. One morning on the way to work, I slipped and fell. My social life picked up a bit with visiting friends and few planned festive events. The Christmas Market set up on the North End of Croydon and the shops came to life filled with hundreds of people. I got sick with the flu and was pretty much out of action for a week. Great news came with Erin's flight being booked for January (yay!) followed by the sad news of the passing of her grandfather. I made some firm choices to find a new job and indeed applied for one or two. At least this time round I am employed so I at least have a wage coming in! Natalie, another pal from the Force, was in Europe and dropped by London. We did a Jack the Ripper walk and froze a little bit. Hopefully we'll get the chance to catch up again before she heads back. The main Christmas Days were spent up at Pax Lodge which made for a nice holiday from my own life. But as always, that in turn gives you chance to think about too much!

Looking ahead to the next few days, New Years looks to be a quiet one. I'm tossing around the idea of going up to London to watch the fireworks on the Thames which is sort of iconic really. It's likely I'll end up doing just that. Until then, I'll just keep working away. And once more I'll do just that in the New Year. 2010 is on our doorstep. I look forward to throwing the door open and seeing what's waiting on the other side.

Here's to a New Year, a New Decade and a New Adventure awaiting us all.
Cheers!

Almost Time

2009-12-24T10:40:00.000+11:00

T'was the Morning before Christmas, not a creature was stirring, Stuart was wrapping and Rachael was typing. Indeed it's a slow morning a work! I'll be honest. There are lots of little admin things I could be doing right now and in my defence I've been doing them since I got here, but right now it's Christmas and I don't wanna work. Lol. Its not that bad, we've got a string of patients coming through this morning and it's been kind of chilled.

Finally the ice has melted! It felt so wonderful to be able to walk to work and not fear for my safety. A small amount of snow is still sitting on the ground in parks and things, but for the most part it has gone. The North End where our clinic is has people all over it. Apparently there are lines in all the shops. Last minute shoppers no doubt. I can't imagine going and shopping, it would be horrible. For the most part I've been able to avoid shops this week. I've had to go get a few small things and it's been a nightmare.

I got to thinking about things again. I still haven't been settled for a year yet, despite leaving Australia just over a year ago. This time last year we'd been back from our mega awesomely cool road trip across the south of USA and were baking and buying winter jackets. The year before that I was on a plane to the US, or about to get on one. The year before that I'd not long returned to Australia and was in Tasmania to celebrate the festive season. And indeed the one before that I was experiencing my first USA Christmas with the Gow family.

(ha ha ha a patient just came in and said to Stu 'Bah Humbug' because he didn't have the Santa Suit on, he he he)

Anyways, I started to think about the kind of flight miles I've been adding up the past few years and realised I have a very bad carbon footprint! I blame Canada. Since traveling there in 2001 I've had the travel bug and can't shake it. I mean look, I've had a nice few years, check it out:

July/Aug 2001: Canada and the USA (3.5 weeks)
July/Aug 2002: Singapore and the UK (3.5 weeks)
Jun -Dec 2005: Singapore and the UK (6 months)
Dec 05/Jan 06: The US (2 weeks)
Jan -Sept 06: The UK (8 months)
Sept-Dec 06: The USA (3 months)
April/May 07: The USA (3 weeks)
Dec 07/Jan 08: The USA (4 weeks)
Dec 08 - Mar 09: The USA (3 months)
Mar 09 to now: The UK

And that's just long haul flights. In there are multiple flights within the USA, the UK and Australia. I wonder how many miles I've flown in that time? I bet there would be a way to work it out. And the number of hours too! He he he. Hmmm maybe one day when I'm bored I'll work that out! Anyways, all that adds up to a bad carbon footprint. I'm mean to the environment. I'm sorry!! I just like planes . . .

But look, Christmas is just that little bit closer now! I'm kinda more excited about it now than I was say a week or so back. It was nice, I walked into the Whitgift Centre on Tuesday and there were some kids in there singing Christmas Carols (like from a school or something) and it just felt, well, like Christmas. Don't laugh. It's been weird. But hey, Christmas is here! Woohoo! I've not even done my traditional e-mail around to everyone. I just haven't really felt like it. I even have a handful of Christmas cards still to post simply because between being sick and catching up at work and doing things at home I've been meaning to for some time . . . well I've just not gotten around to it. I'm thinking next year I'll start in September, just to make sure everything is done and sorted! Actually next year I'd like to make my own cards, or have a photo I've taken printed out as cards. That would be kinda nice.

Counting the Days

2009-12-20T19:01:00.000+11:00

I'm feeling nostalgic. I always do around this time of the year, I start to think about getting together with people whom I've barely had the chance to see during the year. I start to think about family and those who can't be with us any more. I also start to think about what I've crammed into the last 12 months of my life and if I think it's been worth it or not. To be honest, that's not exactly what I'm doing right now because, well, that blog tends to come closer to New Years Eve when I almost have lived 12 months. Its been a rough few months so I am sure there will be some great debate as to my sense of value of the past year, but that's not for now, that's for a few days from now.

I guess what's got me nostalgic is being on my own. Yes, I am alone. I can say it. I'm sitting in an empty flat with no human contact, nor animal, I can't even hear my neighbours. But I'm not lonely. Not really. I guess it's provided me time to reflect back over different memories of different times. Its been a strange week. It started off brilliant and wonderful with the news that Erin is to arrive in the UK on the 14th of January, just on three and a half weeks from now. Rest assured there is a countdown and there will be one very excited young Australian prowling the halls of Gatwick far earlier than she needs to be because she'll be so excited there will be nothing left to do but just get to the airport. I pray for those I run into that morning. Then there was the excitement of snow. Yes, by most American and Canadian accounts not a whole lot. But lots for the UK and indeed very much for a Melbournian. Cold and icy was the theme for a few days.

After that came the sudden news of the death of Erin's grandfather George. A death by any means is always a sad event. Naturally the distance has been hard these past few days because by nature I want to be supportive. Most people are when loved ones are hurting. But I've also found myself in a somewhat strange situation. In the past, deaths have always been of family and friends. There's always been that clear cut level of grief to display or feel. This time though, I've found I'm not sure what the correct level of care, concern and sadness should be. Yes, I feel sad that George is no longer living, a loss of life is always sad. But I'm faced with the dilemma of just how much I'm allowed to be sad. Never before have I had an In-Law die, I've never had In-Laws before! Under the circumstances its not quite like blood family, but much more than friends. Its hard. I'm not sure what is appropriate or not. And I don't want to make this about me, because it's not. Its very much about Erin and her family dealing with a loss. But in conjunction with that is a sense of uncertainty as to how I should feel.

Of course feeling like that and being sad about a death this time of the year has bought up memories of my own loss just two years ago of my Nonna. I think a large part of that is because I never really grieved properly, if anything I felt guilty for perhaps not being the granddaughter that I could have been. A natural way to feel no doubt, questioning if I'd done enough, called enough, even visited enough. Deep down I guess I told myself I didn't, and thus didn't deserve the right to grieve. Harsh, yes, but then those of you who know me know that the manner of thinking which I had was not uncommon. Which brings us to now. Yes, I feel guilty and yes I miss my Nonna. I feel sad about George and wish that somehow I could be there to help. Ultimately I know I can't and that's something I'll have to deal with.

But in a round about way this got me thinking about memories in general. Yes, some Christmas ones. Like the one sitting in the back of my fathers car one Christmas, sitting next to my Nonna and her asking if I had started getting periods yet, and then going on further to tell me that when I do it's a good time to start looking for a husband to have children with. Looking back I do smile in amusement at that moment, at how embarrassed I felt at the time because it was the first Christmas since hitting puberty and the idea of now being a 'young woman' was something I was still kind of awkward about without even thinking about getting married and having kids.

Like most families there are a couple of Christmas ones I'd rather forget. For that matter I'm pretty sure there are a couple of Easter and Birthday ones too. But that's a common place occurrence really. I then started to think about memories that made me smile. Of simple joy. Childhood games. The few holidays we had as a family. Flashes from school and guides. Then I started to think about the people who had made an impact on my life. Some are still around, some are not. Some are close by and others are thousands of miles away. But some how they're all still quite close. So yes, I get lonely at times, but today I've felt I've had a lot of company.

As Christmas draws near and I face the first one ever where I've not been with family or future in-laws (yes my darling Gow's that first one counts), I come to realise that I wasn't looking forward to it. I'd mentally blocked Christmas from my own mind and its only the last day or so that I've realised in a week, it'll all be over. Its strange. In theory I should have been feeling this way four years ago when I'd planned on being in the UK at the end of my time at Pax simply to be someplace new for Christmas. At that time, fate stepped in and it didn't happen. Thus here I am thinking and feeling this way now. Don't get me wrong, I won't be alone for Christmas. In fact by all accounts it sounds like there will be lots of company. There will be a face or two which feels like family, and many more who are not, but may become new friends.

I don't know, I guess I'm feeling old and boring as well. Its been too long being alone, I crave that domestic life once again. I have someone that I love so dearly whom I cannot be with just yet. Family is a long way away. And though Pax is in some ways home, its just won't be the same without the people who made it feel that way. Therefore I started to count the days to the time when familiarity returns. To the time when a small level of stability will return. To the day when I'll feel a much more complete again. In meeting with an old and dear friend the other night, I came to realise what I miss most is having a foundation and an existence. A history.

Here, up until nine months ago, Rachael Marchese didn't exist in this life. Not in Croydon, not in the UK, not in any capacity other than a volunteer. For 21 years I developed an identity and an existence. Then I decided to take a leap of faith and find something new. Four and a half years later here I am, having taken the biggest leap ever. Don't get me wrong, I have no doubt in my mind that leaving Australia was the best choice I made. Indeed not an easy one, but a good one. And so I have the ability to think back over memories of the life I once had. Here, as yet, I cannot. Not really. Not yet. One day yes, but not right now. So in some ways I begin to count the days until I can do that.

Knowing that one day I'll be able to say 'Remember that summer we . . .' or 'How funny was it when . . .' in a context that's relevant to my current environment. And how exciting does that seem?! I mean really, it's exciting to think that I can also pick and choose and create what the endings to those sentences will be.

Gah, I think it's dinner time. Too much thought and too little food. I need sustenance!

Making Choices

2009-12-04T19:52:00.000+11:00

Yes, now that's an original title, no? I am sure somewhere along the line going back over the years there will be a blog post somewhere titled the same thing. Are we seeing a pattern here? Though I suppose techincally we make choices every day of our life. From what to have to breakfast right down to what PJs to wear at night. Assuming you wear PJs that is. I was just trying to be broad in my thinking.

There have been a lot of choices in life to make. All of which no doubt have helped me to reach this point in time, yet again faced with choices. Right at this moment I am debating to have corn chips or chocolate. I'm feeling a little ill at the moment, so I am thinking corn chips might be the better answer. Well I suppose they're tortilla chips. I'm not sure why, but the word tortilla reminds me of Maggie. I wonder what is happening in Southbend at this very point in time?

I feel like I should be writing Christmas cards. Would you believe I picked up the box like two weeks ago now and still not a single card has been written. How slack of me. With Royal Mail still playing catch up with all the post from the strikes, I'm pretty sure I should do something about them this weekend. Among other things. That's assuming I can afford the postage! The one draw back about having friends and family right across the world, postage can be a killer! Especially at Christmas. Memo to self, next year put a few pounds a month away for a Christmas Postage fund. Hmmm, I should get me a tin for that. Wait, I think I have one in the last box I've still to unpack. Its offical, that box has been sealed for 12 months. Its like a little mini time capsule! Ha! I wonder what I packed in there . . . actually I could probably guess, more stuffed animals no doubt!

In case you were wondering, I had egg fried rice this evening. With soya sauce. It was yummy. And warm, which is always a bonus on a cold night. Which it is. I'm thinking I might turn the heat up a little, I feel a little shivery. But then again, I don't feel well in general, I have a migrane on top of everything else. Looking at a screen really isn't going to help that, but I figure soon enough it'll be painful enough to make me just turn off the laptop and go to bed. Its beyond pain killer point, but not quite at black out point. I've not had one for some time, so I suppose I shouldn't complain.

Croydon is very pretty at the moment, all the lights are up and there is a cool looking market type of thing set up for Christmas on the North End. Each stall is like a hut, some have beads up, some have fake snow, some have pine spriggs. Its all rather atmospheric. That and I've started to notice the salt on the ground. Now that I've been to Minnesota in winter, the concept of snow doesn't excite me as much as it once did, only because I've seen it in large amounts now and anything less will be much less impressive. However, in saying that, I'm sure when the timem comes I'll want to go out and play in it. I can't help the inner child, it's quite pushy at times.

To Hell With That

2009-12-03T20:44:00.000+11:00

Yes, that's what I want to say, though I have to admit it might not be entirely wise to declare why right here where the world can see. But some of you might just figure it out, knowing what was going on this week. Last week. Almost all weeks for some time now. The New Year is coming, so who knows what new adventures might await me.

Its really cold tonight. I lost the feeling in my fingers walking home. Memo to self, start using your gloves! Its that horrid cold, damp feeling. A lot of the cars have been getting a heavy frost on them of late too. I'm waiting for the ice which will send me ass up walking to work. While I know it'll hurt and won't be funny at the time, I'm sure I'll reach a point where I'll thnk it would have been amusing to see me fall. I do that. Some of you know that. I have a twisted sense of humour.

Strange things happen in the Festive Season. People start to get social. I am getting social. Shock horror! And meeting people not previously met before. I blame NaNo, that started it. Hmmm that was random. I don't even know where I was going with that one. I'm supposed to be putting up Christmas stuff at the moment. Got to be honest, I don't feel motivated to do so. I don't feel like being all Merry like. I think it's slowly been drained from me since the decos started appearing in October. I knew this was going to happen.

What to look forward to this weekend? Deep cleaning!! Actually, we're having a somewhat low key Christmas Shindig on Saturday after work. That'll be fun, though the concept of drinking games has always scared me somewhat. People say stupid things when they've had a bit too much to drink. And there's always a photo which shows up too. But Sunday, yes Sunday I have to clean and re-arrange the flat. Made a horrid discovery on Wednesday morning. The wall was wet and I found the startings of mould behind my bed. Ekkk! I know it's only arrived since two weeks back, that was when I last moved it. Totally want to avoid that again.

Mmmm something smells good, I think dinner is nearly ready. Bout time really, I'm famished. Might curl up on my couch with a blanket, dinner and some quality Nanny time. Yes, mindless TV shows, they rock my world.

Cutting It Fine

2009-11-30T15:43:00.000+11:00

I always hope that I'll be able to post at least once a month. I like to be able to look at my blog and see one entry under the heading of each month. However, that doesn't always happen and so when I check in, I always feel somewhat responsible for the abandoned state it's in. *sighs* I guess some things will never change. Of all the good intentions I have . . .

Time since I last wrote has flown by. A lot has gone on, some changes have come about. The most obvious one is in the physical sense, it's now a whole lot colder and wetter! Seriously, its a very strange world out there first thing in the morning. I enjoyed the changing colours of leaves and how starkly stunning it looks here when the sun is out and the air is cold. And now, everything gets damp. I hate it. I do, because nothing seems to dry. Oh and I do have to share the funny letter I got from my real estate agent last week. It basically summed up what was to come in the next month or so, talking about freezing pipes and keeping buildings at a certain temperature to avoid problems like mould and well, freezing pipes. I'm from Australia for God sakes, what the hell are the implications for freezing pipes?! Okay, so I'm not that dumb, I can actually figure it out. But the concept of the letter just amused me greatly. I did in fact laugh out loud at it.

Keeping my busy this past month, the one that has flown by which I think was the month of November, was NaNoWriMo. Yep, I won yay! I actually came up with 50,020 words in 27 days which is nice and quite close to my record for my first winning year back in 2007. However, unlike that first year, my entry this year is no where near as stunning and complete as it could be. Actually if I am honest, its a pile of dung! There is SO much wrong with it. But that's the point of NaNo -you just write, editing can come later on. Anyways, this year my piece is about a woman with Bipolar. Actually I'm not even clear if it is Bipolar. Its in that ball park at least. So pretty much there is a murder in her workplace and unsure if she was capable of the actions or not, she flees. And so the bulk of the story is centred around driving and thinking and memories. There's the introduction of a second main character who much to my dismay never actually reaches his pull potential. Which indeed is something I can go back and fix, but the jerk was so sure of who he was before I started writing and now, well, he's just a let down. Point being, its two people on the road and what life have served them and what it might produce in the future.

I can hardly believe that December will knock on our doors tomorrow. Though if the stores around Croydon and indeed Greater London are anything to go by, Christmas has been here since the end of October. I can't fathom another month of it. But I like it, because it's a very pretty time of year. Depressing, yes, because the days are short and I'm sure the sun goes away on vacation, but it's also a magical time of year. I like London like this.

Crap, I've just looked at the time. Break is over! Get back to it!

Coming to terms

2009-10-03T21:12:00.001+10:00

What a month it has been. I always tell myself I'm going to come and blog regularly, but for some reason I never quite get around to it. I suppose its because I spend most of my day sitting at a desk with a computer and I don't want to spend a whole lot of time outside of work doing the same. Which in itself is kinda of a lie, because my laptop is my television as well as a gateway to communication with everything in a pretty quick method. I suppose I've not found myself motivated enough to blog.

As I said, its been a hell of a month. I've been up very high, but I've also been down quite low. There are multiple factors in there, but they all stream into one main line of thought: I have not been happy. Not happy with work. Not happy with myself and not happy with the situation I now find myself in. I'm sure I'm not alone in those thoughts. I guess the main difference I now find clear is that in some regards I'm in a position to do something about it.

Life in Croydon is interesting in some ways, however, its also very lonely. There I said it: I've felt very lonesome of late. Isolated and far away from the people I want to be closest to. In various degrees. Most prominently is coming home to an empty house at night. I'm usually tired and niggly. But there is no one here to share that with. To share the cooking. The company. The books. The flat. The day to day living of life. There is no one there to curl up with last thing and night and no one to wake up smiling to the next morning. I'd assume a fair number of you have been there too. I guess I just hadn't realised just how much I was missing all that.

I've had a bit of a midlife crisis. Not that I'm midlife mind, so how about we call it a mid 20s crisis. In many ways I have lost a sense of direction and focus and substance. I'm not sure what my role in the world is. Again, I'm probably not alone in that. However, usually I'd dive head first into work and guides. But neither are an option at the moment. My work hours are not Guide unit friendly. However, I'm looking at making a change to that. Yes, that's right, I'm applying for work elsewhere. The job that seemed forever to arrive has become something I wish I could do without. If I am honest, there are days I just want to walk out. I want to scream. I want to break things, not that there is anything worth breaking mind you. Anyways, I hadn't wanted to go much beyond saying I'm looking for work elsewhere. I'm smart enough to know that in times such as they are, you don't go quitting a job before you find another, and I'm not the sort of person to start doing things half arsed simply because I am going soon.

So anyways I've been looking at other things to do in what little free time I have. There is a local group which looks after the wild open spaces in the area and cover conservation of both flora and fauna. They meet on a Sunday so I'm thinking that's going to be an option I like. It'll also give me reason to get out of bed on a Sunday morning!! In addition to that, I've discovered once again my love for reading. Its like meeting with an old friend. Its been quite lovely. And on top of that, November is fast approaching which as some of you know means that NaNoWriMo will once again enter the world of Rachael. I'm actually quite excited about it this year, like I was in my first year, and I actually think I've the brain power and creativity to go the distance again. I look forward to the challenge of it.

This past two weeks has been the Croydon Food Festival. There's been a few things going on, though I have missed most of it due to working. However, I've been able to have German Sausage (so very yummy) wander along North End and look at the various stalls around, see some chef action on a stage and today listened to a Tin Band which I know is the wrong term, but its the best way to describe it! There was a Caribbean Market on today, so there were lots of interesting food smells wafting through the air. I've been meaning to make use of the Food Festival discount card to try somewhere new to eat but as yet it hasn't happened. I can't see that it will.

Believe it or not I have the heating on this evening. Well I did have, I turned it off because I was getting quite hot! It was a typical autumn day here in South London and with all my windows opened, I returned to a very chilly flat. This might have also had something to do with the fact I was walking in the cold wind in just a t-shirt type top and I was cold to begin with. Anyways, I feel well assured that I won't freeze this winter unless I don't pay the gas bill and even then I'm told they can't turn it off for fear of people dying or something like that. I don't know. Not that I would let it get that far mind you. A part of me is contemplating opening a window just to cool down a little. Crazy I know.

I've been thinking about my Nonna a lot lately and how I miss her. I know I didn't see her as regularly as I should have done and I guess its now that I can't which makes me realise how much I should have. I don't know, it's weird. I'm not even sure what triggered it, but it makes me feel sad the way life turned out for her. There are so many questions I now have which I won't ever get answers to. In some ways I feel almost like she was a stranger. Which isn't true, but I guess her memory seems so far away now. Like most things really.

Lighten Up

2009-09-04T18:41:00.001+10:00

Today I decided to lighten my hair a little. I'm sure in the sun it'll look like quite a lot, but in normal indoors, I doubt too many people will notice. Time will tell no doubt. Why lighten my hair? I'm not entirely sure to be honest! Looking back at various points over the years I've been most shades from blonde to black including a little blue and some purple too. Its quite funny actually (psycho analysing myself here) it seems to be something I do when I don't want to think about anything else. When things in life get hectic, or complicated or I just want out. Perhaps it is a form of transformation into someone else. Despite the fact that in reality I am still the same person. Hmmm, I wonder what a shrink would say?

Yes, I'm in a thoughtful mood. Goodness knows why because of late I feel like all I have done is think and it's keeping me up! Either that or it is the pain of my teeth. Which brings me to an update on that front. The dentist today was terrible. No, not really. I had forgotten just how much I hate going to the dentist, how it scares me and how I break out in a sweat and get really nervous. I think it goes back to that phobia I have of teeth. Anyway, next Friday I will have the top left hand wisdom tooth removed which as it happens has a hole in it which also explains the infection that is there. However, the bigger news is that I actually have to have my bottom wisdom teeth surgically removed at the hospital as apparently that's beyond the means of a dental practice. I don't care, I'm going to get knocked out and that's what matters. I'm sure it'll cost an arm and a leg but if it helps me sleep at night I am not going to complain! In saying that, I'm kinda scared about next Friday because chances are I'm not going to get knocked out for that one and suddenly everyone has felt inclined to tell me all their horror stories: I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THEM!!

The people next door moved out today. Just in case you wanted to know. Not that I knew them of course, it was just an observation that I made out my window as I was passing it.

This afternoon I venture to the Croydon Library. Yes I now know where it is and can compile my observation notes! Frankly as far as libraries go I wasn't overly impressed with the layout and there are no catalogue computers anywhere, or so it seemed. How on earth am I supposed to find out if they have a specific book or not?! Anyways, I wasn't able to join because I had no ID on me which confirms my address. Note to self, hurry up and get a UK drivers licence. That'll solve the ID problem.

My weekend, well what I have as a weekend, seems to be somewhat empty. Kinda the way my flat has felt this week. I've become very aware of how alone I am for some reason. I can't really place why, I just have. I need a couch. Maybe that will help. But back to the weekend. Saturday morning will be an insane one at work. I can see it now. Its all going to go horribly wrong and its all going to be my fault. I can hear it now. Suck it up Rachael. After that, well, home. And Sunday presents the option of going touring someplace in London. Though, that's yet to be confirmed. Technically I'll be a tag along, and there once would have been a time when my pride wouldn't have allowed that. But my pride is not keeping me company at the moment, so I'm ignoring it.

Right, I think I'm due for the next dose of painkillers. Bring it on! Hmmm, that and dinner I think. Oh and maybe some CSI watching, but maybe that should wait until after dinner . . . LOL!

The Pain of Wisdom

2009-08-31T20:23:00.001+10:00

I wonder why they are called Wisdom Teeth? I mean, does having them actually make you feel smarter? Or wiser? If you ask me, they're more pain than they are actually worth. I suppose I can't complain too much. I still have all four wisdom teeth and it's only now in my 25th year they've decided to give me grief. And grief they've given! Holy Mother of God its painful. I'd imagine there are a lot of people out there who can relate to the level of pain they give. I remember once my mum showing me one of her wisdom teeth and the size of it scared me into wondering if my teeth are the same. Give me strength.

Today the weather has been glorious! Stunning sunhine with a few white puffy clouds dotted against a tranquil blue sky. It really was quite lovely to look at. Walking home from work late this afternoon was a pleasant experience. The sun was warm and indeed so was the air which has made a nice change since yesterday I actually felt cold at one point.

Tomorrow I will embark upon the NHS dental system here in Croydon and see what can be achieved. I won't hold my breath. I just pray for some descent painkillers if nothing else!

This week marks six months back in the UK. It also means that I've been in a job for three months now. I have to admit it doesn't feel like three months. I mean it was all very daunting to begin with. Now I feel there isn't too much challenge in it. Funny what time will do to you. Its also interesting to note that should I now be interested in trying to get a job with The Met, I can now do so as I've been here long enough to be able to run a background check on me. Or something along those lines anyways.

This afternoon I had a Nanna Nap. It was a nice experience I can tell you due to lack of sleep last night. Actually the past few nights really. I woke feeling quite refreshed and positive. Then I decided to cook a yummy dinner and watch What Lies Beneath which even now I can all ready tell was a bad move. Whose stupid idea was it to watch that? Especially going into the evening and especially since I live on my own?! Like I need noises and bumps to keep me awake as well! Can you image it? Me, under the covers scared to close my eyes thinking the ghosts are going to get me. Ha ha ha, actually, its rather hilarious to picture.

Oh my gosh! This time last week I was getting ready to watch the Edinburgh Military Tattoo!! Oh man! Where the frick did that week go?! It was an awesome experience I have to tell you, SO much better than the television. It was incredible and even now I can still hear the bagpipes playing, the cool evening air, the clear night sky and the excitement of the crowd. I can see the flashing cameras, the glowing lights and the colours bouncing around the arena. *sighs* I wanna go back.

A Box of Crayons

2009-08-29T00:16:00.000+10:00

Its a rather odd hour of the night to be blogging, or at least in my world it is! But in coming home on the train and in fact for most of the day, if not the past two days, a lot has been ticking over in my mind and perhaps could explain the lack of ability to stay sleeping at night.

The week has been a roller coaster in some ways. I came back from Edinburgh on Tuesday evening, all chilled and relaxed and well, glowing with the benefits of a holiday as most people do. Wednesday arrived and I was thrown back into reality with a thud. Not that any one thing triggered that, it just so happened it was Wednesday. In the grand scheme of things it was due to happen sooner or later. I guess I didn't expect it to happen in the way it did.

As most of you know, I enjoy writing. Like taking photos, but in a vastly different way. For many years now I've kept hand written journals. I can always tell when things just aren't quite right because I start to write them again. Its almost like writing things down on a page is a form of therapy. Whats important to note that up until the past weekend, I'd not put pen to paper since November last year. That's a hell of a gap in such a turbulent time in my life. Yes, people tell me that the change has been real and I guess the scope of it didn't sink in until a few months ago. In passing at least. However, I think another part of me blocked out feeling the effects of such a large change and overhaul of ones life.

Last Monday I sat in the pews, well chairs really, of The Church of the Holy Rude in Stirling, Scotland. If anyone knows their history and can link that with Tutbury Castle, great. If not, I suppose its not real significant to the story other than the fact that sitting in that chair made me think about my first trip to England some seven years ago. Which in turn got me thinking about other things which eventually found me thinking about substance in life. Long story short, I guess I had some sort of purpose crisis. Since then it's like the flood gates have been left open and I'm suddenly feeling things again. Its like having a box of 24 crayons and then suddenly realising you have a box of 200.

Being a writer, emotions play a large part in the ability to write, to paint a picture or scene using words. I hadn't quite realised how switched off I'd been in regards to what I feeling. I mean yes, I have still been feeling, but I'd not quite given those feelings the notice and attention they truly deserved. Since reality thudded towards me on Wednesday, I haven't quite realised how intensely I was feeling things. I was suddenly awakened, realising that I am feeling a large number of emotions right now and quite strongly.

Anger and frustration seem to be at the top of the list. Also mixed in there is being lonely, un-inspired, stuck, happy, confused, empowered. All in all I've been left feeling somewhat overwhelmed by everything. Today I was faced with the urge to pick up a pen and paper, and write. That's what I did. I'd originally intended to sit in a park and read. I ended up sitting in Hampstead Heath (on and off in the rain I might add) scrawling away on a piece of paper. I suddenly realised I had all these colours inside of me just bursting out wanting to paint a scene. Consequently, I became depressed. Trapped. And a little confused again. Despite how it sounds, it's actually a positive experience. I was mentally blocking that flow of what to feel, what to write, what to paint. And suddenly that blockage has gone. All because I sat in a church and thought about a holiday some years ago.

Once again how I perceive people and the impact they have on my life has changed. Some people I am seeing in a new light, some still the same. Some I am finding I like less, others more. Its rather liberating really. I can almost feel that aside from catching up on cleaning and washing, I want to spend a large portion of what weekend I have writing. About, who knows. As for length or substance, it could be anything. But I want to write, which is something I have not really done or desired in quite some time.

There is so much to catch up on, both creatively and physically. My blog has holes in the physical sense, I've not really been telling the story of what I've seen and where I've been and who I have been with. I really do believe I've been blocking it off.

However, I do know that there is unrest about. Almost like its a make or break situation. I know I should sleep on it, but I'm not really sure I could sleep at the moment. The brain is going 100 miles an hour. Which isn't something new either, I go through these phases, I'm just not really sure what to do about it.

M&S Cola -blah

2009-06-09T14:51:00.000+10:00

Its lunchtime. I'm taking the time to catch up on a few things. Seems I have been doing a lot of that lately, through no fault of my own or any one Else's for that matter, it's just how it turned out really. Its been a whirlwind 10 days. Starting a new job has started with a bang which has been brilliant. Quite refreshing if nothing else. It's been a long time since I've really had to think on my feet and been thrown so deeply into the deep end. But I've loved it. Yes, the hours have been hard, as has the struggle with travel and routine. Yet, 10 days later I'm still alive and kicking!

True, I've been sick. But I've managed to charge on and with each day that goes by, I feel there is more and more I can understand, I can do, I can attempt to do. People interaction, new programmes, new bits of information I didn't know. Plus, the two guys I work with love me. I don't say that in a big headed way, because I was only told so via a third party. But it's a really nice feeling to be appreciated. Let me explain.

Working for Vic Pol was a great thing. Yes, like everyone else, I had days where I complained. That comes with any job really. But when I returned from Pax Lodge I realised just how much of a number I was as opposed to an individual working to make a difference. Two years I struggled with that. Working and working and getting no thanks, no indication that the place would fall apart without me. Or, well, there were small glimpses of that, but in the long run it didn't really matter if it was me or someone else doing the work. Or at least that's how it felt.

While job hunting here in London, I really did try keep in mind the aim of finding a job that I would make a difference in. As much as wage and location would be a nice thing to have as I want, I know the bottom line is I want a job I can be happy in, a job that I know I am valued as an individual as well as a team. Frankly, this new role of just me and two chiropractors has been a shock to the system! In saying that, I know it's what I want. Yes, I'm learning as I am going as that's something due to circumstances prior to my arrival that can't be changed. For the first time in a long time, I really feel like I matter. And I like that. I mean, I don't want thanks for everything I do. But I do want some every once in a while for making an effort or a difference. If I go that extra mile (which is in my nature to do so) and simple thanks is nice.

Anyways, I'm using my lunch to write this because it's quiet and I just felt like blogging really. I'm done with my lunch and was drinking my Marks and Spencer's' cola and thought I'd drop by. After writing an e-mail prior to this that is. Its during the course of that e-mail as I was listing various ways to get in contact with me that I realised just how much of my life is electronic! There is mobile, e-mail, Facebook, blog, BigLight, MSN and Skype. Goodness me!

The past two weeks I've been able to meet up with some familiar faces. Rachel S and Maria P were in London for various reasons. One thing I am constantly reminded is that no matter how much time has passed (in both cases nearly two and a half years) we can get together and talk like old friends again. I've had the same experiences with Shanna, Erin S, Saga, Ruth, Doreen, Heather, Grace, Carla, Louise and Janet. I love how working as a house cleaner (said tongue in cheek of course) can bring people together!

There is more excitement afoot for Philers this coming week. With all the babble about A Dolls House starring Gillian Anderson opening and then Ros coming to visit, London now has the onset of the IC coming to see ADH and meeting up with out every fearless aussie leader, Sandi. Woohoo! I have to admit to being very excited about meeting her. Conversations twice on the phone just don't cut it now! There is also some small, but excited talk, about X-Con in Berlin in October. I can't wait! Woohoo!! Though I think the pressure to be a rep for all the Aussie Philes will hit me closer to it. OMG, how insane is that?! But still so very exciting!

So here's where I am at travel wise. In August we're going up to Edinburgh, Scotland for the Military Tattoo. October will be Berlin, Germany for X-Con. For a while there I had thoughts about going to Blackpool, England in September for the L Word L6 convention. That one I think for the moment is on the back burner. Soon I shall embark upon a journey to Worthing to see Mother Duck and Liz. I also want to go annoy Ruth in Ireland (she just doesn't know it yet) at some point before it starts getting cold. Though I've dealt with Minnesota in winter, I should be fine with most things now!! Ha!

Then there is summer in London. Always a brilliant time to have things going on. I really must go see some theatre at Regents Park. And I've got to start walking my London LOOP! Ohhh man, I need more days off!! Lol NO WAY!! I've had far too many of those recently, I'm perfectly happy to have none. . . .

Its starts . . .

2009-05-30T20:09:00.001+10:00

What a difference a day can make. Here is a prime example that you never know how things will turn out and what hand fate may deal you.

Friday I had an interview. It was for a part time job working for a Chiropractor in Richmond. It was going to be about 15 hours a week split between Richmond and Ealing. Not ideal, not by a long shot, but its work and that's always a good thing, especially after being unemployed for six months now.

I went in, talked about the role until I was informed that half an hour before my interview, the guy interviewing me, was called about the full time CA (chiropractic assistant) in Croydon was going to go off sick for a month. There was the offer of that if I wanted it. Of the two options, it certainly was appealing. So leaning towards that, we went to get a coffee and talk over the details a little more. He left to go back to the office, telling me to come back at 3pm to meet one of the two Chiropractors in Croydon and perhaps learn a little more about what I have to do and how to do it.

When I go back, I meet the fellow, whom then takes me for coffee (OMG caffeine OD!) and explains how the practice works, numbers, hours, clients etc. Its during this time (a mere half an hour after speaking to the first fellow) that I discover the CA is in fact nor returning to work and thus the roll would be full time permanent. Woohoo! By the sounds of things, I'll have my work cut out for me organising and putting systems in place.

Having spent my first day there today, Saturday, I can see a lot that needs doing. First and foremost in my mind, the place needs to be clean. Ewwww it's really, really bad! And there is just stuff everywhere. Just you wait, I'll get it in ship, shape order. You guys know what I am like.

Last night I met up with Rachel, Pax HA from Maine who was in London on her way home from France. It was really good seeing her and catching up and just talking and sharing. It was a lovely evening weather wise too, a lovely summer night sitting in The Garden Gate's beer garden. I then walked up the hill with her back to Pax to find Maria Plaza sleeping and dazed on Heather's couch! I wouldn't at all be surprised if she woke this morning wondering if it was a dream!

Life is about to sort itself out. Watch this space.

Markers

2009-05-28T23:18:00.001+10:00

Even an electronic marking of time cannot escape the fate of simply being forgotten with the passing of time. It sounds funny to say it like that, but indeed it's the fate of all the journals I have. I've not a single journal where all the pages are filled. Its almost like I get bored with them and move onto the next one. Or perhaps the cover, the pages, the pen are a reflection of the person I am during the duration of the journal's life, and once that phase has ended, thus too must the journal.

I can't say a lot has happened in a month. But that also is a lie in itself. No longer do I find myself a resident at Pax Lodge, I now call Catford home. For a little while anyways. I'm still looking for work, the 4th of June will mark six months being unemployed, the last three of those an utter nightmare of trying to keep myself sane and occupied and my brain from becoming a stagnant mass of well, nothingness really. I think I've exhausted every puzzle book I have. I'm thinking I should start taking IQ tests just to keep my brain pumping and happy and alive.

June is almost upon me. Yes indeed it brings the promise of summer and fine weather and a life and vibe in London which most people probably hate by now, but one I am looking forward to getting to know again. Summer here is amazing. Alive. Colourful. Busy. Varied. I love it. Indeed the past week or so has seen some glorious sunshine and made my freckles which have been exposed to it, stand out with colour. I think my skin is glad to see sunshine. And a sunshine which won't burn it to the core.

South London is a rather curious place. Let me make this clear now -I did not expect a suburb like Hampstead! I am well aware that the area in which Pax Lodge sits is a rather nice one and not one replicated in many places. In saying that though, the Catford area really isn't that bad. Yes, it's a little poorer. Yes, the transport links leave a lot to be desired for, but it's not that bad. I have moments where I feel out of place amongst people, being only too aware that my skin colour is far too pale for these parts. But I don't feel unsafe. Just different. I take all experiences I have as something new to learn and feel and well, experience. From that point of view I am loving it.

And it certainly hasn't hampered my job hunting either. Since my arrival in March I think I've now hit the 500 applications/e-mails/CV lodging mark. That's insane. The number of interview to come out of that? I think I barely make 20. Of those I've been shortlisted from 400 down to 20, or 10, or 8 or even 2. But not quite close enough yet to secure an income. God I hope I can soon. I really hate being poor!

But there again, its not as bad as it could be. I have clothes and food and a roof over my head. I should be thankful for that. I'm healthy (minus a rash which I think is actually an allergy to something). For the most part I'm happy, though a job and seeing Erin again would certainly fill the quota of happiness in my life. Generally speaking. I'm doing well.

I recently went to the theatre again, this time to see A Doll's House which stars the ever amazing Gillian Anderson. Doing the maths I figured it was 10 years or so since I realised that she did theatre and that same amount of time that I promised myself that I'd see her in the flesh, performing on stage. You have to admit, that is kinda amazing! I've actually done that! Unfortunately she didn't come down to the stage door between the matinee and the evening show, but that's okay. I've still chances to come.

Wherever We Wander, Wherever We Roam . . .

2009-04-29T23:56:00.002+10:00

I've been asked a few times in the past weeks about how it feels to be back at Pax Lodge again. For the most part there has been mixed feelings. Things have changed and yet some things have not. There are things I see or hear which make me stop and pause and wonder what the response would have been in my time as a volunteer. Its only natural, I am sure all those who return do exactly the same thing.

To be back has been a new experience for me. Third time returning to Pax and each time has been different. My first time was back on the cusp of adulthood. I'd just turned 18, was in my final months of high school and at a very complex stage of my life. Indeed one of many! I don't remember too much, only that the house tour we took was given by our own London Guide from Birmingham, Ruth. I remember it being a very moving time for my other traveling companions, and perhaps I cried too. I'm not sure. I know a part of me walked away that day feeling that the experience was not as moving as I had expected it to be. At that point, I really didn't believe I'd come back.

Experience number two spanned 14 months of my life, at yet another complex point in time. Many of the people who will read this were a part of that experience. It really was life changing in so many ways. Beyond what mere words could ever help me to express. I grew and learned and experiences, and most of all lived and felt alive. The one thing I do know is that it was unique to me and while some common factors will be shared between those who were there with me, there were personal journeys which no one will ever fully understand or relate to.

Then there is now. The Long Term Resident. Sort of an outsider, but closer to the experience than a guest would be. Generally speaking of course. Its such an interesting role to find myself in. I observe, as I always do, and think about what things the current staff and volunteers will learn and experience about and for themselves.

This evening there were welcome ceremonies and leaving ceremonies. These are somewhat personal moments which will shape how the new arrivals will view there new friends, and how those leaving will be forever engraved into the history of the building. To become another face, or memory or legend that will be mentioned in the years to come, if not by name, but by reputation. I've always wondered what it would be like to be a stranger walk through the door in those moments, wondered what they would think or feel or turn away running from.

I firmly believe that in the atmosphere remains a part of every staff member and volunteer. When a candle is lit, and the lights go down, somewhere in the glowing aura of the flame lingers a special vibe. Its in that swaying light where you can be witness to world peace. To the coming together of different races, cultures and personalities. There is something magical about hearing a Guide Promise and Taps being said and sang in a foreign language. Its in those glowing moments that life bonds are forged.

So while things may change or stay unchanged at a visual level, its those small, quiet and personal moments which remain the same. Words might be different, ceremonies may differ from time to time, but right there in that moment, lay an unspoken understanding as to why each person is there and what they hold closest to their hearts. A special moment to which few are privileged to see and feel and hear.

To my Pax Lodge Family of new friends, old friends, mentors, guardians, sisters and life companions, I just wanted you to know that I think of you often and though we may only see each other once a year, once every four years or once every ten years we'll forever be bound by our memories, experiences and friendships. Life may present us with challenge and change, but together, somehow, we'll make it through.

And if all else fails, I'll always meet you there, Where The Rainbow Ends.

Where I am at

2009-04-26T11:55:00.000+10:00

Bleh. That's about it really. I've stopped looking at those online symptom websites because in the past ten minutes I've had everything from Strep throat to Scarlet Fever to who knows what else. I think if I'd kept on going, I would have come across a fatal disease. Totally leaving that alone! But yes, I feel crappy. Have been for a few days now, though the past two have been the worst and I am entering day three of Blehville and day two of nasty spots. Hurry up Monday, I want to go to the Doc!

Illness aside, its stunning outside. Spring has come to London and we've had some simply glorious days of sunshine and blue skies. Everything is in flower and green and just happy looking. Its nice. If I have the energy I am thinking of going out into the Heath for a walk. We'll see.

The past week or so has been insanely busy. I've met new friends (Yay for Victoria!) and met up again with old friends (Yay for Saga, Ruth and Doreen!). Eaten at a variety of cheap eats, played games in the Trocadero centre and won me a toy cat, seen movies (Doubt and Revolutionary Road -totally digging cheap cinema). Even scored two free tickets to two shows! In the same day! Woohoo! The first was 'Shout' a small musical set in the swinging 60s which I have to admit was really good! I even knew at least half of the songs, what does that tell you??? And then in the evening went along to St. Stephens (the little run down church on the corner who know the area) to see 'The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe' which was just brilliant! I was a little weary at first, but they did a marvelous job, even managed to scare the crap out of me at one point!

I'm still unemployed. Its been a busy week on that front too. Two jobs, two call back interviews and two times still unemployed. Though to be honest, the first one I turned down because it turned out to be a job standing on the street getting people to donate money. I'm sorry, I really don't want to do that! In an interesting twist of fate, the person I 'interviewed' with on the second day, I ran into her trying to get people to sign up in Leicester Square. Like that wasn't awkward . . . and then the second job was for a company called Perform which I have to admit to being very excited about. Despite my first impressions of it being a performance school in the arts sense, it was actually a performance school, but looking at a child's performance in speaking and expression and developing skills to help them in life. Very similar to Guides in fact. Walked out of the first interview knowing I had a call back, the call back interview I was very unsure about because it didn't go as I was told it would. There was no logic or problem solving test and to date they've not contacted me either via phone or electronically despite being told they would regardless if I got the job or not. So I assume since it starts tomorrow, I didn't get it. I am pretty bummed about that.

However, it's a new week tomorrow and I just need to put my head down, bum up and keep at the job hunting. The right one will turn up I am sure.

Bout time eh?

2009-04-07T09:56:00.001+10:00

After much anticipation, my next post is here! Ha! Yeah okay because people have been screaming at me to hear about the life of an unemployed person in London. . .

. . . Gosh how depressing is that? It's true, yes, I'm still unemployed, and yes, I do have somewhere dire moments of down time, but that's to be expected. On the whole, life is kinda grand. Seriously, I live in one of the most animated cities on the planet, what could be so bad?

Indeed the job search has been much more harder than I anticipated. I've been here a month and three days now and with three interviews under my belt and something like 180 job applications lodged, the odds aren't in my favour. However, the feed back I have been getting has been somehow twistedly positive. I'm over qualified. I've made shortlists, but not shortlists of shortlists. So clearly I am employable. For the right role. Which to date hasn't reared it's taunting head.

So to occupy myself in all this free time I have (well outside of applications which believe it or not takes up a big chunk of my day) I've been wandering the city. I've been to see We Will Rock You again (friggin awesome, if not a little different) and been duped by the movie DUPLICiTY. Walked the gardens of St. James Park, Hyde Park, Embankment Gardens and though not a garden, wandered along the Thames Path. Which I might add had me run into filming for a movie called Forget Me Not. The actress looked somewhat familiar to me, but I cannot place her name. I guess we'll see when the movie comes out.

I've had good times with people. We had a surprise celebration party for Heather who has just passed exams and earned her Blue Badge here in London. Which I might add she gets presented with today. I mingled with a great group of kids for an afternoon of fun. I ran into a face from high school which was something nice and unexpected, a great way to spend three hours on a relaxing day. Visited a few local pubs, including one for a trivia night which we won (with little help from me I might add!).

Been to some remarkable places I missed on my previous visits like the Portobello Road Markets on a Saturday morning (utter chaos I might add!), wandered the rooms of The National Gallery, visited the BFI building on the Thames and even took a trip out to Old Street to see Jamie Oliver's famous Fifteen eatery. Needless to say on my current budget I could not eat there, but I certainly plan to in the future :-)

Overall its lots of little things that have occupied my time. The weekend before the G20 summit there was a PPF march (Put People First) which found me sitting on the base of Nelson's Column (that's somewhat crude in some minds no doubt) for two hours watching the march go by and look enviously at other photographers cameras. Sometimes it takes being somewhere quite randomly to find something to amuse you. I have to admit, that's one of the things I love about London. Somewhere, somehow, there is always something happening.

*sighs* Jeff Dunham is in London tonight . . .

Theatreland

2009-03-19T11:39:00.000+11:00

So I decided that since I was going to be by the laptop most of the day job hunting, writting job applications and well, being dull, I could at least go into Central London and do it on free wi-fi! Two issues. I'm not very confortable where I am sitting and I'm not getting a whole lot of job hunting done. Far too many distractions!

Needless to say I didn't get the job I was interviewed for last week. Oh gosh, was it really only a week ago? Wow. Anyways, its back to the drawing board and I figured out on estimate I'm finding 10 jobs a day that I could do, thus working out to be that I've applied for around 70 -80 jobs since I've been here. How can I not have heard back from any of them?! Seriously people!

At the moment I am in Covent Garden, close, ever so close to the Donmar Warehouse where Gillian Anderson will perform the role of Nora in A Dolls House starting in May. It was somewhere to aim for and hear I am. Soon I'll wander through Neals Yard. After that, I do not know.

Recently I have discovered the brilliance of YouTube (yes, slow I know) for watching old TV shows. I'm slowly making my way through the series Birds of a Feather which is a BBC show that's only had the first six episodes released on DVD and that's it. Anyways, I'm loving it! I'm finding episodes I've never seen and it reminds me why I love the show so much.

Its been a nice few days weather wise. The sun has been out and making itself known for hours at a time which makes a nice change. I've finally twigged the more time I spend in the sun, the better I feel. You'd think I would have remembered that from my last winter in London! Oh wells, a little slow off the mark at times I am. You know that.

Jetlag and Beyond

2009-03-15T13:05:00.000+11:00

Here I am a month and a half into job hunting, a week and a half into living in London and a day and a half into battling the blues. On the upside, it’s sunny out. Which is a nice change. Hopefully it shall stick around. And I think the jetlag has finally gone.

It’s been a big week and a half, an emotional rollercoaster unlike anything I’ve felt in a long time. In saying that, no one panic. I’m fine and probably experiencing somewhat normal emotions under the circumstances –it’s just not something I’m too accustomed to dealing with! At times I hear Sally’s voice in my head ‘Just keep smiling’ and more often than not, it gets me through. However, that’s not working so I need someone else’s words of wisdom!!

Being home in London the city has been nice. It started coming back from Heathrow and sort of continued into the rest of the week as I ventured in to Leicester Square for a job interview, wandered Oxford Street and shopped in Camden Town and out at Brent Cross. It’s an odd feeling to describe, but it was like coming home and meeting familiar friends. Seeing the somewhat mix match of fashion, the crowds, the setting up of movie releases, watching people shuffle on buses and the Tube. Comforting and familiar. I have to admit it has been nice. And exciting.

Thursday night I went to the Ceremony of the Keys which happens each night at the Tower of London. It’s basically the locking up and has been happening for over 700 years now. The entire ceremony only takes 7.5 minutes to complete, but is so worth it. I think there is something special about standing in the darkened grounds of the Tower of London at the clock strikes ten, as the guards go about business as usual and as a lone trumpeter plays The Last Post as a gentle breeze flaps around the British Flag. Something historically magical.

Settling into home at Pax Lodge has been a challenge. Some things have changed, some have stayed the same. I’ve struggled somewhat this past weekend as move familiar faces descend on the building to celebrate the 18th birthday of Pax Lodge. It was lovely seeing Janet again, rather surprising to find Doreen wandering through the HA corridor late at night and humbling to meet again with various Friends of Pax Lodge whom I am sure are going to live forever, even if it’s just in the hearts and minds of those who’ve met them. Yet despite all that, I have been incredibly lonely these past few days.

Yes, I miss my Erin. Having a constant companion for nearly two years now and on and off before that has found me less able to deal with my own company. Not that it’s a bad thing mind! Being back in a building that holds many memories for me . . . watching the volunteers interact with each other . . . it reminds me of the friendships I made here and looking back between the two time periods, it is not hard to understand why I feel a little on the lonely side.

In saying that, the current staff and volunteers are lovely. I can honestly say that. They’ve been lovely and welcoming and chatty which I have appreciated a lot. Last night I even got to venture into the social room, Finland, which once was home to Priyanka and later, Shanna. So it was a little odd but such a nice set up! They even have a little fridge in there for the keeping of beverages!

A new week has started though. Its Sunday, the Holy Day. For me, just to stick to a routine of some description, means doing my laundry. Joy! Monday brings the promise of a call about a job (wait, wait, and waiting) and the next round of applying for more. It brings me a day closer to my next theatre show, closer to the summer and closer to seeing old friends too.

Writing this I realise I am still to talk about the remainder of my trip North to Minnesota! How slack am I?! You’d think with all the free time I have on my hands I’d be tap-tap-tapping away to share the adventure with you all! And so maybe I shall . . .

. . . Upon arrival in Minneapolis visibility was bad. What I loved most about my few days in the Minnesota Twin Cities, was getting to know Nancy’s (and Erin’s too I guess!) family. My favourite moments were meal times, it’s rare for me to have a meal with 10 people sitting around a table, but with a family of eight children, I should image it was normal for them! I loved it! Seriously. The project for those few days was to sort through lots of old photos and documents from passed members of the family. I touched documents and photos that were over 100 years old, it was simply amazing!

Also coupled with that was a trip across the border to River Falls, Wisconsin to visit Wendy from Canada. It was lovely to see her again and finally get to see her slice of heaven. And heaven it was! It was just wonderful! We went snow shoeing which was a very new experience for me and I learnt lots about the prairie work being done in her area. Next time I plan to stay longer and explore the area a little more.

Coming home from Minneapolis, we stopped in Wabasha (yes home of Grumpy Old Men!!) and visited the National Eagle Centre and I got to see a real life Bald Eagle and hold some of it’s feathers. I can tell you one thing, I’d not like to come under attack from one of those birds!

Old London Town

2009-03-06T23:19:00.001+11:00

And here I am! Two and a half days later I think I might just be getting over the jet lag. Possibly. I'm not really sure, I'll let you all know when I wake up, lol. In all seriousness, it wasn't so bad. My flight from Chicago got into Heathrow 45 minutes early. The flight itself was good, three seats to myself and it was only 7 hours long! That's a push over! The hilarious part occurred when I left the airport, lugging about 120 pounds (approx 60 kg) of luggage between a suitcase, a backpacking backpack, a normal backpack, a laptop case, handbag and a pillow, plus two jackets. Needless to say I was very tired by the time I reached Pax Lodge. Exhausted even. Someone on the Tube made a crack about me having enough stuff to move house. He didn't have a thing to say when I told him that was pretty much what I had done!

For those of you who have been to Belsize Park Tube station, the stairs to get up to the lift area have never seemed so daunting. Seriously. I have about a billion people go past me (okay that's an over exaggeration) but no one helped. Not even the silly people who walked up the stairs behind me, they just huffed and puffed because I was slowing them down. Whatever!

In saying that, its rather odd to be back. Hampstead still looks, sounds and smells like it did. That's a rather strange thing to say, I know, but all I can tell you is that it simply does. I was recognised by the woman at the Crepe stand, she even remembered what I ordered all the time. I didn't realise I was such a memorable person.

The past two full days has pretty much seen me trying to settle in, doing food shopping, feeding myself, unpacking and making house in my room. In addition to that, it's been some pretty hard core job hunting. And thus far it seems to have paid off. I have my first interview next Wednesday which is rather exciting, and I was also contacted by a woman from a recruiting company who specialise in Government jobs. All works for me pretty much, I'll take anything thrown my way!

And Pax. What can I say? In a lot of ways, things have changed. But in others its still very much the same. An amusing moment occurred when I closed the door to get into the shower. While the inside of the building has been painted and things have been moved around and what not, despite all the changes, I can close the door of the shower area and find Caro's German lessons still on the back of the door. Its almost comforting in a weird kind of way. I'm also enjoying simply watching. I was asked by one of the RVs if I wanted to go up the Crepe stand with them (and I said yes of course!!) and found myself looking at them as an outsider, watching and wondering if that was how we looked a few years back. It too was kind of comforting.

Last night I went and had dinner with Sally, Andrew and a few of the St. Johns people. For the most part I spent most of the time catching up with Sally. Despite the jet lag, I actually enjoyed it and was glad I went. I considered not, but did. Only issue was I went to the wrong Pizza Express, oops!

I'm still to finish up writing about my last few days in the United States, I am sure I shall get around to it one day, like putting up photos. Its very jarring to suddenly be in another country again. I'm starting to understand why people look at me like a mad woman when I explain the saga of being an Australian who was in the US on her way to moving to the UK.

However, I have no regrets and am still optimistic about getting a job. Perhaps I should revisit that thought in about a week or two!

London Baby!

2009-03-03T19:55:00.001+11:00

I have decided that I have a lot of things in common with Joey from Friends. Some, not all. Anyways, its his excitement for the Mother Country that is echoing around in my mind as I sit here at Chicago International Airport. I’m writing this offline as I have to pay for wi-fi and since I am leaving the country, that’s pointless. So here I am.

Its a rather strange sensation. I’m sitting in an American Airport listening to a group of British people talk. And it sorta scares me. In a good way, I’m sure, but I think suddenly I have realised just how huge this. Every once in a while I have these moments which remind me that I’m likely to be a tad crazier than most people. Clearly I am. I’m excited scared.

To make matters worse, the woman at Cincinnati when I checked in decided I needed to be on the earlier flight to give me more time in Chicago. Needless to say I had four minutes to say good-bye to the love of my life and future mother-in-law. Can you imagine how gut wrenching that was? In one way I guess it was better because it didn’t drag the wait out. However, I’d have liked a little more than four minutes! Needless to say it frazzled me some. But I am here, I made it.

In addition to that, I’m no longer an excess baggage virgin. Yep, I paid a lovely $50USD for having too much. In reality, it should have been $100USD but the man was nice and said in this hard economic time, everyone needs a break. I’m not a religious person, but bless that good man.

Alas, here I sit. That opening line was just for Erin. I’ve barely been able to write about my last week or two in the States and I’m off to the next country. I figure my first few days will be dedicated to getting over jet lag and getting my boxes to me safe and sound. Thus it should provide ample time to catch up on the blog and upload photos on Facebook. Or at least that’s the aim. If I somehow manage to get an interview, that’s so coming first!

Closings and Openings

2009-02-26T11:59:00.000+11:00

Here I sit with officially less then a week left in the United States. Can someone explain to me where almost three months of time has gone?! Seriously, it feels like only yesterday that we unloaded the van from our trip across the South from Los Angeles. Though maybe that's because we got back from Minnesota yesterday and were unpacking the car . . .

Right, the journey North. It was lots of driving, I know that much! I was actually surprised at the lack of snow we had driving up. Even as we neared Minneapolis the ground was much more visible than I had anticipated. But back a little.

To break the journey we stayed in Bloomington/Normal over night. Which was probably a good thing as three people and a bunch of luggage in a smallish car does not bond well with around 5 hours of driving. I have to admit, nothing eventful happened here. Not that I expected it would.

Night two we stayed in Des Moines with Erin S. On the way we stopped at Iowa 80, the biggest truck stop in the world (or so it boasts) which was kinda cool in a truck stop kind of way . . .We got to the city just before dusk and Erin showed us around the Living History Farm where she works. It was so cool! If not dark and a little cold too. But I really enjoyed it and was fascinated with her job there. We met all the animals (alive and dead . . .) and saw into all the buildings including the 1900s house where they hold dinners off season. Note to self, must go back and experience this!

After unloading at Erin's apartment, we ditched Nancy at her hotel and the three of us headed downtown for dinner and a little entertainment. What I do remember about Des Moines was the very cool library that was glass and quite see through, as well as the numerous walkways above the roads from buildings to buildings. We ate at a place whose name I can't remember, but it had dueling pianos which was pretty awesome. I managed to make a fool of myself by falling flat on my face after misjudging the distance from the stage to the floor. Oh wells, its not like I am ever going back again!! Anyways, I requested Men at Works 'Down Under' which I have to admit to really enjoying!

The next morning after a stop at Starbucks, we hit the road again aiming for Duluth, in North Minnesota. It wasn't until we were an hour or two away that we started seeing the sorts of snow I was expecting. After stopping at the traditional half way mark, Toby's, for doughnuts, we arrived in Duluth after dark. As we pulled into the street where Nancy's sister lives, we spotted deer just sort of wandering around the neighbourhood! I was so excited! I would imagine that's the image everyone has of Australia, only substituting the deer for Kangaroos!

That evening I met the first new family member, cousin Valerie. Despite not meeting her cat Bijou, I feel like I know the cat too! It struck me as amazing as to how similar Erin and her cousin are. It was during conversations that Betty's Pies came up.

In the morning after Mickey Mouse shaped waffles for breakfast, Erin and I went out into the snow and had lots of fun. Only I wasn't able to make my giant snowball as it was the wrong kind of snow. However, it was the most snow I'd ever played in so I wasn't complaining one bit! Erin made a cave for Sealy and I managed to break the end of a pipe. So it was all eventful. When we came in we talked about the plans for the day before heading back down south to Minneapolis. And here, Betty's Pies were talked about again.

We piled into the car with Kay and headed out to Lake Superior which was frozen! It was so awesome! Because of the wind and current, the ice was sliding along and snapping and crunching and it was amazing! It was so cool! Seriously, it was great. I even picked up one of the bits of ice and it was like a huge sheet of broken glass, thick and clear and really heavy. Getting back in the car to defrost a little after my experiences with my second Great Lake in less than a week, we continued the journey North to Two Harbours and a destination I'd heard lots of talk about. Yes, Betty's Pies. And I can tell you, after trying several types of pie, I can so tell you it's totally worth it! That stuff is the best pie ever! And I had a scrumptious pasty too! I was a very content Aussie after that lunch I can assure you!

What I love most about the morning was driving along the lake and the scenery and the snow and the sun, it was just so wonderful and I think I started to fall in love with Duluth and the surrounding areas. I can totally see the appeal!

That afternoon Nancy rode with Kay so it was just Erin and I in the car down to Minneapolis. By the time we got there, it was dark, there was snow falling and it was like driving in fog. We're on the interstate and having a really hard time seeing the lines on the roads. It was really kind of scary. But we made it, safe and sound. And there at the end of it, were Erin's Grandparents! It was so good to see them again!

Passing Time

2009-02-18T00:49:00.003+11:00

So anyways I wanted something to do to occupy myself. Here's where we are at. We were supposed to leave for our trip to Minnesota this morning. And we will, don't get me wrong! Nancy had a Docs appointment in Lexington (on the way on our trip) and we were going with her and leaving from Lexington. Makes total sense. Its along the interstate we need to go. But no, Erin comes in last night and tells me Nancy is going alone and will come back and get us. Way to lose at least two hours travel time! How stupid is that?! I totally don't understand why, it just doesn't make sense in my mind. Needless to say, I'm awake and have been for a while and am sitting here looking at our bags and just fuming about it because its argh!!!!

Okay, now I've gotten that out.

The trip is passing by incredibly quickly. Suddenly I'm left with about 15 days in the US and freaking out about money and jobs and much uncertainty. This is somewhat normal I well imagine. And in the grand scheme of things I shouldn't worry too much. I have a place to live and some money. So it'll be fine. I guess I'm just sort of idle and am used to going right back to work after a holiday.

Last Thursday we hit the road to Southbend, Indiana to go and see Maggie in her Notre Dame world. And a very awesome world it is too. Great little flat, huge campus and even snow. What more could you ask for? She even has squirrel friends!!! We spent Friday in Chicago which is a much huger place than I initially thought it was. Yes, it looks big on the map but in real life its positively massive. We spent the day in the downtown area which may not sound big, but it really was. Saw Trump Tower and the Tribune Tower, at deep dish pizza at the first pizza place in Chicago, went into Bloomingdales and spent the afternoon out on Navy Pier which no doubt is much more exciting in summer, but I loved in anyways for it's totally random Stained Glass Museum. That and I saw my first Great Lake! Yay!! It was like being on the side of an ocean! Seriously!

The train ride there and back was somewhat interesting. The train wasn't as I expected it would be for a long distance trip. Coming home it was highly entertaining in an annoying way. Two and a half hours with all walks of life. Hmmm.... some stations weren't even stations, there's just a patch of asphalt and that's it!! AND the trains go down the middle of streets! Okay so at home they usually run along the back of houses, behind the backyard. Nope, down residential streets, its down the middle of the road where the cars and things are! Weird!

On Saturday morning we walked around the Notre Dame campus. Area. School. Uni. I'm not sure what to call it. Anyways, I saw Touchdown Jesus!!! Yay! And some very nice looking buildings. Its almost like being transported to Oxford or Cambridge. Anyways, we went into the library and up to the Medieval floor and into the graduate area (you have to know the magic code) and I touched books that were like 700 + years old! I was so scared to drop one!! Oh my gosh!! And they're just there are reference material . . . cripes!

Homeward bound we decided to stop overnight at a place called Nashville, Indiana. It was such a quaint little town! It was great! Met a random person who led us to random place to eat and had the best food ever! Okay maybe not ever, but it was really, really, really good! In the morning we wandered around all the little shops of candy and candles and art and craft and it was great!

Driving back to Lexington I drove Erin mad with my half hour updates of how soon it was we were going to see Jeff Dunham and the last hour was the worst because I think I went totally loopy and insane. However, he was awesome!! The bulk of the time was spent with Walter, Achmed and Peanut (with an appearance by Jose) but at the end he bought out Bubba J because apparently he's a Kentuckian . . .anyways, that was hilarious because everyone in the audience (generalising here) knew the lines!! Plus I now have a very cool Peanut shirt which I'm rather excited about. Two hours of Dunham and Co live, what a great way to spend a Sunday night.

In general we've just been home and seeing movies or finishing up on the house. The last week we were on Tornado watch which was pretty exciting. But nothing eventuated. Nancy tells me I can't talk about Whiteouts because with my track record, we're likely to have one during our time in Minnesota! I can't help it!

As The Day Closes

2009-02-06T18:44:00.001+11:00

I’m in such a weird mood. Well I shouldn't say weird because I am sure somewhere along the line someone is likely to point out its probably a very normal mood for someone in my situation to be in. So no, not weird. Maybe nostalgic. Maybe reflective. Maybe contemplative. I guess the weird part is that I’m not really sure what has sparked it. No, that’s not really true either. It all sort of started at dinner last night as we were sitting there eating our pasta in Olive Garden.

See, we were talking about Italian cooking, and as a result of that I started talking about my Nonna. It seems terrible to think that now all the things that made her who she was, all the things that made her memorable in my mind, just aren’t there anymore. I won’t hear her say things, or won’t smell things that are just so typically her. And so I began to think about how that part of my life is now something I can’t go back to.

Then we started talking about family trees. And so I was mentally putting mine together in my head and this morning when I got up I actually mapped it out. Don’t get me wrong, I want to make this very clear now, I am not missing my family. Well yes I am, but nothing more than is to be expected. I don’t regret the big move I am making or anything. I just, like I said, I’m just a little nostalgic.

As I swam deeper into my nostalgia, I realised just how much of a brink of nothingness I am. I mean that in a positive way, despite the negative connotations its probably just revealed in your mind. I sort of feel like I’m perched on the edge of The Grand Canyon (I can say that now I know what it feels like!). I’m sturdy on the edge, but right there, right in front of me is a vast empty and open space. I really don’t know what is next. I mean, I can plan for things to be next, but in reality there is no promise of anything. I’ve shifted everything I know to be constant (in its inconsistency) and placed it in the realm of uncertainty.

Relax. I’m not freaking out. I guess I suddenly just realised the scope of what it is I am actually doing. Nothing is going to be the same, not really. Not in Australia and not in London. At least not the way I remember it. I have no great expectations and am rather excited about the prospect of starting a new life there. But the familiarity that I have with London is somewhat superficial. I will merely be seeing things that look familiar. People I knew from my previous time there will have changed, that’s to be expected. So I’m not worried about that. Like I said, I find it rather exciting.

I don’t know, I guess I am just in a thinking mood, but not anything in particular. I think I feel a little left of centre right in this moment. Like having an out of body experience. Or having prior knowledge of something before it actually happens. I really just don’t know how to explain it.
Here in the dusk I am sitting here looking out the window at the fast approaching evening sky, listening to Nickleback and well, feeling like there is a huge expanse of space within me. I’m a little concerned that people are going to think I am spacing out or having an emotional breakdown, I am not, let me make that very clear! I’m just trying to figure out what it is I am feeling and put it into words. Its not really working very well.

Blessed. I think I feel blessed for how life is turning out for me. No, it hasn’t been easy, but then I am also very aware of other people and their lives and really I have nothing to complain about, not that I am wanting to complain. Argh! I don’t know! I’m frustrated! Stupid words! I had indeed intended to sit down and write postcards that I’ve now had sitting here for close to two months. Ones I’d picked up on my trip when I first arrived in the US. I just haven’t yet. And I should. I’m lazy. I’d also hoped to spend a little time writing. Or editing. And I haven’t done that either. I think I’m just letting the days sort of drift by. With less than a month here, yep, just 25 days until I fly out to London, you’d be thinking I’d be making some big attempts to be doing things I’d hoped to achieve in my time here!

And yet the only thing that really concerns me, is trying to fit everything into my suitcases! Ha!

D.C -Part 2!

2009-01-31T22:37:00.000+11:00

Here I sit down in the lounge area of the hotel. This is our last night here in Lexington. Needless to say that does not mean that we'll be going back to the house. Still no power there. However, we're actually going back to Richmond to a hotel there. Frankly I'm in two minds about that. The last hotel we were in there, the power went out. I'm just concerned it will again because the lines are still so iffy and now there is talk that the water might not be fit to drink unless you boil it. I'm of the opinion that if it ain't broken, leave it. In other words, I'd stay where we are because it's working. But its not my choice to make, so I won't. It won't be terrible I am sure. I dunno, maybe I'm just full of doom right now.

But back to D.C, the point of posting this.

Monday in Washing was a very different experience than Sunday. The biggest difference was that it suddenly felt like the population had tripled over night. Which I am sure it did, there were a lot of people heading into town. Knowing how cold it was and how much trouble I was all ready having with my knees and knowing that Tuesday was going to be taxing on both accounts, I opted to stay back in the hotel room and leave around lunchtime to head into D.C. We were staying out in Baltimore, if that helps any.

So I rested up, and braved to cold to see what was going on in the city. I got off the metro at Eastern Markets which was a lovely area of little market stalls and quaint little shops. One was a haven of Children's toys and books. While I was looking through a box of artwork (I actually purchased something) I ran across the others who had picked up the tickets for the ceremony and had started to walk out of town.

We parted again and I found some squirrels in a park to make friends with over morning tea. I didn't stay long because staying still was mighty cold. I walked through Capitol Hill admiring all the cool apartments and listening to some drunk guy bitch about the directions someone had given him. I had to admit I laughed at him. The area around the Capitol Building was swarming with people, the biggest collection of Shakespeare work was closed and I was at a loss. I decided to walk up to Union Station and catch the metro out to Chinatown to have some lunch and spend some time sitting and being warm and resting up. Well, the walk to Union Station exposed me to more people that I've ever seen at the MCG. People in line for tickets. The roads around Union Station were blocked off and crammed with people. I also found another squirrel who was mighty friendly, some bastard kid chased it away. I figured it wasn't a good idea to give him a piece of my mind.

It took some time to get through the crowds and down onto the metro platform. My hopes were that there would be less people out at Chinatown because everyone was further downtown. I was pretty wrong. However, I was hoping for good food and I found some at a place called Wok N Roll which I'd recommend and it was a pretty good price too. So I killed some time in there before walking back downtown after getting somewhat lost and turned around because the metro station I wanted was closed off, and then there were streets closed off and I got yelled at by a police woman because in the process of looking at my map, I stepped off the gutter and onto a road that was blocked off and she got all mad at me!

Walking a little further found me in a novelty Obama shop with all sorts of hats and caps and posters and cartoons and bookmarks. My overprices purchase was a little tin of mints called 'Mints for Obama -Mint you can Believe In' which was perfect in its crazy way. A little on from there I came to the International Spy Museum, but it was an hour and a half wait to go in, so instead I wandered around the gift store and gawked at all the very cool items I wanted to buy but didn't have the money for.

Not long after that the crowds were starting to get to me and it was very hard to find somewhere that didn't have people in it. Despite the small size of London and the crowds it could pull for Live 8 and the World Cup, there were always little holes in the wall to vanish into a find a quiet corner. That was not at all possible in D.C, not that I could find! I went to the Barnes and Nobles I'd gone to the day before in the hope the little Starbucks area would be quiet again. I was wrong. There were even people sitting in book isles and along walls just to be sitting! So that's exactly what I did, found a gap along the wall, and sat with my coffee, cookie and my book just to try and chill before facing the crowds on the Metro. Two days around lots of people was starting to take its toll and I knew the Tuesday would be worse.

Recharged, I decided it was getting dark and I didn't feel up to meeting the others and other people for dinner, so I went back out to the hotel, stopping for dinner on the way home. Kalan and Megan came home without Calvin some time later. He then came home close to midnight. He should have just stayed awake as far as I was concerned.

Picture this. Tuesday, January 20th 2009, Inauguration Day. Its cold, dark and 4am. Yep, we were up, dressed and heading out to the metro station for an event that was due to start after 11am. They were saying be there by 9am the latest. As terrible as the hour was and as cold as the temperature was, I'm glad we left when we did! As we were out towards the end of the Metro line, the station wasn't as packed as it could have been. But as we got closer in, people started to pile on. I think we got off the Metro at like 4:45am and hit gridlock at the bottom of the escalators. And on the street. And on the curb. That lovely curb which we stood on in the darkness for about two hours. At one point I lost my hat, I think it was when I was calling people. Thankfully because of the crowd, we'd moved maybe three centimetres in the whole time. At least it was a good way to get warm. And laugh, which happened every time the yelling guy opened his mouth and well, yelled.

Just after 7am we were herded into a second cattle yard, walking under a silver gate waving tickets in the air. Once more we stood for some time, maybe an hour or two, like sardines in a tin. You can only go so long without getting cold and bored and sore from standing. I know I shouldn't complain, and really I am not because it was awesome to be there in the pre-dawn darkness with all those people, but oh my god the standing for so long killed me!

Just before 8:30 we were shipped through into phase two and washed along with the crowd to the security gates. You had to unzip the outer layer of clothes, be pat down and had your bag (if you had one) looked through. Then the run was on. People were rushing to get the best possible vantage point they could. Frankly as long as you could see a screen, you'd be seeing more than you would just looking at the Capitol! We had a good spot though, right along the edge of the reflecting pond in front of the Capitol Building, thus at least 80% of The Mall was behind us. Brilliant spots actually. And again we were crammed in like sardines for at least another two hours. Or that was the plan. It was pretty incredible really, people were climbing trees to see better. Cramming as far forward as they could. Pushing and shoving . . .

I broke away from the back to walk to the back of the section we were in which was still kind of open. My knees were really aching and I need to walk a bit to get the blood flowing around my body. Here was my first mistake. By moving away from the mass, I allowed the wind to get to me and I just started to get colder and colder. I am SO glad I found my hat because I dread to think about how I'd be feeling without it. Walking around there were people with blankets and cool shirts and dancing, lots of dancing. One group was even singing. There were a few trees dotted around and people were leaning up against them. I figured it would be a good idea to get off my feet and huddle close into myself to get warm. In fact, this was probably mistake number two.

The sun had started to come up by the time we were let into our section, we were totally preying it would warm things up. As I sat down against the tree, the morning sun felt kind of nice on my face. I snuggled into myself and was watching people walk by and talk and laugh and complain about the cold and talk about how long they had been standing there. Next thing I know, someone was poking me and I opened my eyes to more daylight and a woman telling me my lips had gone purple. I don't know a lot about cold climates and how the body copes, but I knew purple lips were not a good sign.

From then on things were down hill. I just could not get warm. I'd watched earlier as the crowds has pushed down one of the barriers and surged forwards. I knew trying to find the others was going to be a tough thing to do. So I walked to keep warm, determined to see Obama up on the screen and I did. I stayed just long enough to see the important part and then I ran. I had to get warm because I did not feel great and was now shivering more than I should have. Trying to get out of the Mall area was a huge feat. There were literally thousands of people around, still trying to get in. I've never seen so many people in my life. It was quite claustrophobic to be honest.

It took lots of walking and three Metro Stations to find one that was taking outgoing passengers. Everyone wanted out and up, not down and away! People. Everywhere. One security guy yelled at a woman for walking on a flowerbed that had clearly been trampled on by a hundred people before her. Children cried. Adults laughed. People pushed and cursed and cheered.

By the time I got out to the hotel, everything was cold and numb and sore. I walked like a cowboy, just a lot slower. When I got to the room (heater blasting away) I thought a hot shower would get me warm. However, room service had come and taken the towels and I guess took a break for the ceremony and not come back! Changing into warm clothes (those not out in the air) I huddled down in a bed to get warm. My guess is that I fell asleep again and when I woke some two hours later, there were towels sitting on the other bed. Room Service had been and gone and you know how loudly some of them knock!! I was still a little chill and on closer examination of my arms and legs, redder than I probably should have been. And dry skin to the max!!

But, I survived and witnessed a huge day in history. Which I am very grateful for. It was incredible to see it all, the ceremony, the crowds the city, the nation. It was amazing.

The trip out of D.C was pretty uneventful. Not as much traffic as I expected. Maryland and West Virginia were blanketed in snow. A very cool thing was on the way there we crossed a lake with flowing water. On the way home, it was frozen over! The biggest event was getting a flat tyre half way across West Virginia and then finding a one horse town with a garage to get a tyre. All a part of the experience really. I got to play in the snow too because in all honesty, having too many people trying to change a tyre is more trouble than it should be. I was happy to play in the snow.

Now we sit and wait and see what happens. I think America is in for a period of great change. We're yet to see if it'll be good or bad, but change is definitely coming and I think it's needed.

Washington D.C (finally!)- Part 1

2009-01-30T21:33:00.000+11:00

In order to make the most of my hotel time, I bought the paper copy of In A Heartbeat in order to make some headway on the editing of it. However, I can't really focus right now so I decided its about time I sit down and talk about the big trip to Washington D.C.

A last minute bout of strep throat found Erin left behind in Kentucky and me hit the road with three other Kentuckians for the event that was to stop a Nation. To coin a phrase. Despite a slight mix up with meeting locations (these things happen) we were soon driving across Kentucky, then into West Virginia and up into Maryland. West Virginia was beautiful. Snow had fallen and it was stunning to look at. There were deer standing close to the road, just standing and grazing. At one point we even had a coyote come charging down the hill, almost up onto the road and then turn around and run back in the other direction.

Our stopping point was a middle of no where gas station which was in a log cabin, and had adds to rent log cabins just behind the gas station. It had a toilet and food, so you know, what more could you ask for? It was pretty smooth sailing after that.

There wasn't any traffic going into Maryland, though we had some fun spotting cars doing up to the D.C area for Obama's big day. We even had one group of people from Illinois take our photo for some random reason.

We got to our hotel, checked in, took in bags and decided to head into the Capital to check out The Mall. It was dark by the time we got there, and a little chill, but despite that there were still a descent number of people around. Screens and barriers had started to be put in place (this was the Saturday night) for Tuesday. In addition to that, there was an endless line or port-a-loos along the outer edges of the Mall. They were all locked. However, later in the night we spied an open one.

As we neared Lincoln Memorial, we discovered that we might not actually be able to go up into the Memorial which bummed Kalan out quite a lot. I was pretty bummed too, it a very awesome place to go into if you have the chance. Anyways, as it turned out, U2 was doing a sound check on the steps for the concert which was going to take place on the Sunday. That was pretty awesome. A free show from u2 with Abe Lincoln in the background, awesome! After that we walked a fair distance and ended up eating Ethiopian food which was scrumptious! And very filling in a deceiving kind of way. The evening wore on and I suddenly came to realise that my knees were not coping with the cold and as a result I was walking a whole lot slower than I wanted to be.

Sunday started off with sore knees and a major disappointment at the Smithsonian when I discovered that the brilliant X-Files display I'd been wanting to see since the items were donated, wasn't actually on display. The first guy I asked was dumber than dog shit and probably wouldn't be able to tell me who the next president was going to be if I had asked him. The second person wasn't too much more help, simply said it wasn't on display. Ha, no shit.

A little while after that I split from the others who were planning to see things I'd seen on a previous trip. So off I went, and able to go at my own pace without feeling like I was slowing everyone down. Seriously, I suddenly realised what it must be like for an old person living in a cold climate. It sucks bigtime! I made my way past the IRS Building, up to the Hoover Building (home of the FBI) and up into a Barnes and Nobles to grab some Starbucks and get warm. Little did I know staying warm was going to become an even bigger issue in the days to come.

From there I jumped on the Metro and went up to Dupont Circle to look at the old and weird homes up there. I also ventured across to the Australian Embassy which I discovered was all closed up, no one was home. Deciding what to do next was an issue. I was tired all ready, and just bored and cold and blah. Looking at my map I discovered I was close enough to the National Geographic Museum to check it out. And I did. It was small and I'd missed the photographic exhibition by like 10 days which I was bummed about. Whales are cool and all, but not exactly my thing. Stacy would have loved it! However, the amusement factor kicked in when the woman in the gift shop asked where I was from. Upon informing her, she and two other works cheered and declared I was the furthest so far. I'm pretty sure there's not too many other places that are further from Washington D.C then Melbourne, Australia. I'd made their day.

It was with renewed excitement that I left and headed out to Arlington National Cemetery. Here I finally found the first dregs of large crowds. It was really busy out there!! Arlington is such a vastly creepy place. But beautifully sad at the same time. I mean its just row after row after row of headstones. There are some lovely memorial areas out there and you can also get a great view of the Capital from the steps of Arlington House. I happened to be out there when the Inauguration Concert was on and it was actually echoing across the river to where I was!

A little under two hours out there turned me cold and darkness was starting to arrive. I headed back into D.C to meet up with the others at a Starbucks only to run into issues on the Metro, namely I couldn't get off at the stop I wanted to because of the crowds that had been in town from the concert. I had to get off two stops later and walk. Needless to say I was sore and cold when I got there to face a line of like 30 people waiting for coffee. I have to admit, I feared I'd be in line for like half an hour, but in actual fact it was less than ten minutes which I was highly impressed by. I lost count the number of times I'd been in line at Highpoint Starbucks and waited like 20 minutes for a coffee when there had only been three people in front of me. The crowds and lines were also a theme which would repeat themselves in the days to follow.

For now I am leaving it at Sunday night as I'm starting to get a headache. Not too much more happened that night, we went back to the hotel and got warm, drank beer and watched TV. And slept, which I have to admit was nice!!

I am a Refugee . . .The Big Freeze of 2009

2009-01-28T18:20:00.002+11:00

So anyways, I know a lot of people have been wanting to hear about Washington D.C but in the days since my return it took a while to calm back down and be ready to see people again. Then there was Australia Day and now there are even bigger things going on. Which I want to talk about first. Seeing as its going to be at least another 35-40 hours before I leave my current location for good, I figure that'll be ample time to take the time to write about my adventures up north. In saying that, let me begin with why I'm a refugee.

Currently it's Wednesday evening around 6pm. So Monday was Australia Day. We went out to Outback Steakhouse for dinner. It was very depressing to learn that an Australian themed eatery didn't have anything happening for Aussieland's special day. Anyways, there was talk in the afternoon of a storm coming through and people were madly buying supplies like they were going to be trapped in their houses. This was generally met with disbelief because apparently the Weather people are in the same class as Frosty, they tend to lie a lot. Monday night I had trouble falling asleep and it was gone 2am before I finally nodded off.

At 7:30am George comes knocking with extra blankets. Apparently the power went off at 6am and hadn't come back on. The central heating had been off. So he was making sure we were warm enough. Well by the time that was all over and he was curled up in bed sleeping, the rest of us were awake, so got up. Well, what an interesting site greeted us Tuesday morning. Everything was frozen. Seriously, everything. It was so weird!! Needless to say we spent Tuesday inside. Preying the electric would come back on so we could get the heaters running again, cook and just generally have electricity to see and what not. Thank goodness for an outdoor camping stove which provided the means to boil water and make soup. However, with Erin's allergies to the cold and Nancy being sick, staying in a house which was getting progressively colder was not going to be an option, regardless of how many torches and candles we had.

Thus began the challenge of trying to find a hotel. Which was hard. Lots of people were out of power and doing the same thing. Eventually we came across a place in downtown Richmond that would fit us in. Last available room. So around dusk we were finally set to leave the house and head into town. It had been 12 hours since the power went off. The were trees down, wires down, and ice everywhere. Earlier in the day I'd been outside and in the silence of the world, you could hear trees falling and popping as the weight of the ice made trees snap and it echoed across the silence. It was so eerie. I am now well acquainted with the sound of popped and shattering trees. We got to the hotel, parts of Richmond were out of electricity too, with shops closed and traffic lights out. There were trees down over roads and it was still raining.

After getting to the room, cranking on the heater, I decide to head out to Taco Bells to get some warm dinner for us. I've never driven in that kind of weather before, man it's certainly been a challenge and a very tense experience for me. So I head out to discover that in the time we'd been at the hotel, even more electricity had gone out, more traffic lights were down and pretty much all of Richmond from what I could see was out of power. So I drove to the other side of town and found that Mc Donalds near Kroger was open. And every person in Richmond was there. The curious thing is that everyone wanted to go through the drive through, no one was parking and going inside! Which being a Non-American I did. God forbid they have to walk anywhere!! I think I was in McDonalds for about 45 minutes and all I could hear were people complaining. I mean think about it, there are now hundreds, if not thousands of people without heat and power, all needing food. If you get a double cheeseburger instead of just a standard cheeseburger, deal with it and just leave, don't cause a scene!!

It really kind of annoyed me. And the staff weren't helping. I think they were doing their fair share of complaining too. Thus, finally armed with food, I got back into the car, back out onto the crazy roads (I had not a lot of vision, both side mirrors were frozen over!). So I settle back in to the hotel, were eating and then watching property shows when suddenly, after 9pm, the power goes out, the heater goes off and we're blanketed in darkness. Yes, the rest of the place had lost power. After much discussion we decided to stay put. The house had not had any heat since 6am that morning, at least the heater had been running in the hotel. So we stayed, rugged up, and slept.

George came knocking at 7:30am again, then again later at 10am. Finally we ventured out of the hotel into a white world of snow and ice and still no power. Anywhere. Once again we headed back to McDonalds in the hope it was open and working. It was and it was full again. But warm and had food. They even extended the breakfast hours until 11:30am. One guy was talking he'd heard on the news that 60,000 people in Kentucky were without power. And I'd believe it. A change from the night before was that everyone, staff and customers combined, were much nicer and happier and couldn't do enough for each other. Everyone was in the same boat.

From there we headed back to the house with the intention in mind of packing better and trying to find a hotel further afield to house ourselves for a few days. The roads back to the house were crazy. More trees down, more power lines down with lots more ice. It was so beautiful, yet kinda scary. We got back eventually, tucked Nancy up on the couch and hunted around for some hotels. We found one in Lexington, though the room we were trying to get was booked in between us hearing about it and the time we actually booked it. No big deal. We have a room with a King bed and fold out couch. We're all warm and safe and have a place to sleep. Plus, we've power and Internet access!!

We left the house around 3pm and headed up to Lexington which is where we are now. On the way up we were listening to the radio. It could be days until we get power again. Malls and shops are out of gas products and cookers, places are without water and power and no school is happening for the rest of the week. Its crazy. But like I said, as long as the power holds up, we're fine where we are. Might go a little stir crazy being holed up in a room together, but we'll be warm and safe! Plus there's a big plasma in the room so that's kinda cool too.

So here we are, 36 hours after losing power. Who knows what the next few days have waiting for us.

The Eve of D.C

2009-01-16T16:41:00.002+11:00

Winter is here, and in stronger force than I have ever known before. We've not even ventured up to Minnesota yet! The past few days has seen the temperatures drop below zero, hovering around -17 Celsius at one point there. The very odd thing is that there is no snow outside! We had some when it was a little warmer (which sounds rather odd) but its long gone now. At least the Squirrel has been spotted back in the Gow's garden, that's something exciting!

Indeed as the title states, tomorrow we pile into the car and drive North for Washington D.C which no doubt will be a thing a lot of people will be doing in the next few days. Its all rather exciting really, I'm so happy to be going up to D.C for such a historic event. There are five of us going, and only four tickets for the ticketed area for the actual ceremony for Obama, and I nominated myself to be the one to 'miss out' only I really don't see it like that. Besides, I'm the only non-American going and I sort of feel that it's more important to them, but for different reasons. I'm happy simply to be going. Don't get me wrong, if someone handed me a ticket I am so there, but to simply be in the Mall with thousands of thousands of people is just going to be mind blowing. And I sort of feel like I'll get to experience it through the eyes of lots of different Americans. Because I am sure we'll mix and talk in the hours we're waiting for it all to begin!

I have been keeping busy. While my sole project while in the US was to sit and do a re-write of In A Heartbeat for the self publishing deal via NaNoWriMo we're also decided that Erin and I are going to help the Gow's have a clear out. We've been doing well so far and bit by bit things are happening. The past two days has been the office area and I have to admit to having a sense of accomplishment by looking at what is there now. It keeps me busy, satisfies the OCD impulses I have and it practical for those on the receiving end.

We've also settles on dates for our trip to Minnesota, via Southbend on the way up and Des Moines on the way back. February is going to be a busy month all round. A little travel, some Jeff Dunham and the daunting task of finding a job in the UK before I get there. Or at least line up interviews. Its also a little exciting too I think. Its a new chapter of life and while to begin with I won't have the freedom to get 'the' job, I think in time that will happen.

People have been asking about wedding plans and if Erin and I are breaking up or not. Firstly and most importantly, we are not breaking up. The wedding was simply post-poned because of timing and money issues. Something we've been talking about for a good few weeks now. This past week the stress of being away from routine and uncertain about future plans has taken its toll. However, things are back on the road to recovery. So no one panic, stress or worry. Everything is fine. In some twisted kind of way we should be celebrating our first, big, serious argument. In over three years when you consider all thats been going on, that's pretty good!

My return to London has also been something people have been asking about. So here's where I am at. As of today (quite early this morning in fact!!!) I've pushed applying for the OA position at Pax to the back burner. Depending on how things go, it may be something I consider at a later date. However, for the moment there strong plans of being an LTR at Pax until May. In that time, I hope to find a regular income so when May comes along, I find a new place to live and venture out into the world that way. Hopefully that for the time being will satisfy people's curiosity.

Not Just County, but State

2009-01-09T19:20:00.000+11:00

So anyways, I finally had a brush with the law. I have to admit, it was a little scary. In all honesty the belt and hat man probably was trained to talk the talk and scare the crap out of people, so I shouldn't take it too personally -but crap I did! He scared me! Turns out Little Miss Nancy is breaking the law, who'd have guessed it?! Kind of like the way registration work in Oz, there is a similar thing here, but rather than a rego sticker, there is a coloured square that goes on the number plate. Basically, Nancy's is yellow when it should be green, and should have been green some eight months ago, oops.

We are driving round Richmond after buying bird seed and I suddenly went 'oh shit shit what do I do, what do I do??!!' without actually informing my two passengers that there was a flashing police car behind me. I guess I didn't notice right away because the guy didn't have sirens! Too bad if I had been blind...wait...after trying to figure out which traffic law I had broken and finally pulling over (all in about 5 seconds by the way), Mr Hat and Belt got out of the car and talked about something called a tag and yours truly gave a blank look and pointed to the woman in the back saying that she was the owner.

After asking for my licence and pointedly telling me I needed an International Drivers Licence, I pointedly told him that the people I spoke to said I didn't because I was only here on holiday. He takes my licence and Nancy's insurance card and walks back to the car. The three of us chat a little, Erin declared she's never been pulled over by the cops in the US and he eventually comes back. This is the part that scares me.

He informs me that he's only going to give Nancy a caution notice on the condition we go first thing Monday morning to get this tag thing sorted. Otherwise if he issues (the equivalent of) a penalty notice, I'll be summonsed to court because I was the driver and if I wasn't in the country when this happened, some sort of warrant would be issued for failure to appear and when I enter the country next, I'll end up in jail. Wholly crap man!! Even if it was all talk talk to scare me, it so totally worked and I was like freaking out! I like the United States, I'd like to come back!

As we drive off, I'm informed I didn't just get pulled over by a County Cop, but a State Trooper. Or someone similar. I suppose if I am going to get messed up in something like that, it's good to just cut out the little man.

Worlds Apart

2009-01-04T09:48:00.000+11:00

I always feel that on my "long haul" trips to the US there is always a grace period where I am so swept up in the coolness of being in a new country, that everything is great and new and different and I just accept it as being so without questioning on giving things a second thought. Like most phases, that wears off and suddenly I find myself paying a little more attention to what it is I am actually seeing.

Yesterday, I believe, the grace period ended. Or at least for the moment.

Back in Australia there was usually a clear divide about classes, or about wealth or education. It was rare in 'every day life' to be confronted with someone or some place that was not of your own sort. I know this makes me sound like I am a huge snob, and certainly I do not consider myself a snob, but I'm trying to find the right words to describe what it is I am seeing and this is really the only way I know how. So clear class, education and economic divide. Perhaps it is the region I am in of the States, but I almost feel like I am not seeing that here. There seems to be no line. Though in saying that the people who live here clearly see a divide, especially in education, between Richmond and Irving -where ever that is. There were some jokes being thrown around which seemed similar to those you'd be hearing about Broadmeadows, so I can only really assume these things.

Driving around yesterday it struck me how little divide there is (among other things) between class and economy. I mean its utterly bizarre to be driving along in rural Richmond (of which is comparable in size to Seymour, Victoria) and see beautiful brick homes, well kept and presented with nice cars. Somewhat what you'd expect of middle class, possibly in some cases bordering on upper class. Though again this is using comparable Australian expectancies. And yet right next door there is a trailer (portable home) which barely looks fit for human habitation, surrounded by long grass, old and broken cars and enough rubbish to start a land fill. Right there, nestled between two presentable homes. Its so strange.

What strikes me more is in that yard of what I see as rubble, sits a brand new (or appears to be) car. I just can't fathom living in something that barely looks worth $20 yet driving a car that no doubt has cost something like $30,000 + and could easily house a person in a nicer home. The other day Erin told me that here, everyone needs at least one car, even if it is at the sacrifice of how you live because here, a car is everything. Looking at the non-existent transport system and the sheer fear of walking, I can understand why. But on the flip side of that, you get people who are driving unsafe cars which have body work that is certainly not up to safety standards which have been merely spray painted over and based on the assumption that you can't see it, then it's fine! Yesterday at Hamburg Pavilion a car pulled up beside us with a man, woman and young baby. The bonnet was held down with one of those ropes with hooks on either end that you keep in the car (I so can't think of the name right now!) and one of the back windows were taped up. I felt so sorry for that child. For it's safety. For the fact that its parents didn't value it's life enough to not drive a death trap like that. 'Mom' was talking on what appeared to be a Blackberry (can you even talk on a blackberry??). Dad was wearing a pair of converse runners that certainly would have cost a pretty penny. Either that or both had fallen off the back of a truck which I hadn't really thought of until now . . . .

What I am trying to say is that there seems to be no divide between classes or money or education (which I didn't really touch on). Which isn't a bad thing, it's nice to know that people can mix! Its just that visually is quite unexpected to see.

I just, for a country that on the surface appears similar to Australia, it's quite jarring to experience everyday American life and find that they're a lot further apart than you expect them to be.

I could start on food, but I might just leave that until another day because frankly that'll be another long one full of things I do not understand. I always tell people, following on from my experiences, that if they go to America for a holiday to not just fly in and out of the major cities, rather hire a car and drive across a state or two and see just how different life really is. Because it really is. I have a great respect for Americans in small town, even if I don't really understand why they do certain things. Because more often that not they seem to be miles away from anything and I don't know! I just started writing what I was thinking and I can't structure it!!

Its a New One

2009-01-01T23:08:00.000+11:00

Hardly seems like it was before Christmas that I wrote. Its been a number of days which really don't feel like that many at all. However when I think about it, a lot has been crammed in there so its very possible that it's been a while!

Now, Christmas. It was really good in a Gow kinda way! I've become accustomed to celebrating Christmas a little different to my own upbringing, but its sorta nice in a quiet kind of way. Comforting even, to know that commercialising such a time can reach far, but not always penetrate everywhere. In saying that, I got a nice stash of goodies, including my own mail box. Yep, a real life black, USA post approved, metal mail box complete with a little red flag. Its pretty cool!! Needless to say keeping it with me (ie to the US provided much thinking) but it's all sorted now. In addition to that, a harmonica (ha ha ha Erin!!) and much chocolate and good things which aren't as unique as the two I mentioned.

Christmas ended that night with us letting off the fireworks we bought before leaving Tennessee as Nancy and George were going to be away for New Years and well, we got some exciting things that Nancy had to be there for. It was friggin awesome. We even scored an audience of locals :-) and one of the rockets we've still not been able to find.

Along with celebrating the festive season in Kentucky comes the annual Girl Scout gathering at the Gow household. Its been happening for years and I love them because anything can happen and its just a great mix of people who talk about anything. Plus there is always much greatness of foods. And indeed, its always a learning experience. Now see, this year was rather wet. Well at least a little for some, and a lot for others. The Cecils gave me a late birthday present part of which was a very cool dolphin water pistol. Which I just so happened to bring out because I'd been bugging Erin and Nancy with it all the week and they felt the Cecils should have to deal with some of it. Things escalated when Vince went out to the car and returned with something of the Super Soaker variety, and went further still when water was moved via glass onto a head. Oh dear. So not only was it hilariously funny for those watching, it was good fun for those involved too! Ahh what's life without some reckless fun?! Point being I had a great night, I always look forward to the gatherings and I am never disappointed.

The last day of 2008 was spent going through all of Erin's earthly possessions. Wow. It was a task and a half for lots of reasons! But come 8pm on NYE we were done!!! And it looks good and well, there are now lots of bags and boxes out in the garage. As a result of all the hard work during the day, it wasn't surprising that I was almost asleep before midnight. Which I feel is okay as it was only the two of us, we weren't having a wild party and it was far too cold (like -8C!) to let off the remainder of the fireworks.

Great news follows with the purchase of tickets to Jeff Dunham!! Yay! Bring on Feb 15th! I'm so very excited about seeing him and the gang live, seriously, I all ready know it'll be worth every penny. Unfortunately the ticket which didn't happen was the one to Canada. I held off too long in sorting it out and as a result I now don't have one. Which I have to admit sucks pretty bad because I really was looking forward to heading to Ottawa for a while. I guess these things just aren't meant to be, right?

The weather in general hasn't been too bad. When we arrived back in Kentucky it was freezing, but it actually warmed up a bit (well it went above zero and up to around 10C) and now it's gone back down again. It snowed for a little while this morning, but not enough to stick.

Plans are starting to take shape for the big trip to Washington DC to see the President Elect sworn in. We know where we are staying, Erin did tell me but I don't remember right now . . . and I'm excited just to be going really! With lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of other people of course. I'll be there when History is made and that's pretty awesome.

We've been able to catch up with Maggie as well since returning to KY. Twice in fact. The first time we rescued her from boredom and she helped to bake cookies. The second time was legendary Pesto Pizza at Mellow Mushroom followed by some post-Christmas shopping which is always fun when you're in the crowds. I found a mega, uber cool X-Files book and Erin got a new puppet which even now I stand by the idea it had coffee on it!!

Now that the new year has arrived, its time to get serious about things. Time to think forward to whats coming, even if I can't be sure of too much of what is happening. Point is, something will. Until then, I am happy to have a little fun and explore a little. Rest up and work at the same time. Believe me, it can be done.

3330 Miles

2008-12-24T09:46:00.000+11:00

That's the total sum of distance we drove from Los Angeles into Lexington to return the car. Which in itself was a story because the return point is listed as Lexington Bluegrass Airport. Now you see, the thing about Lexington Airport is its maybe twice the size of Wynayrd Airport, plus some. So it's not real big. So it's really hard to get lost in. Not that we got lost. But we soon discovered that the return point may have been listed as Lexington Bluegrass Airport, but the location was actually off site and we had to follow a shuttle bus to goodness knows where in Lexington. All I can figure out it, that it was actually no where near Lexington Bluegrass Airport. These people are on Frosty's side. They're all a pack of liars.

So I have missed a great bunch of time and out last few location. I actually have an offline entry on my laptop that I wrote on our night in Chattanooga, Tennessee because I couldn't pick up wireless for some stupid reason in the room we moved to. Always a great adventure on that last night to be had, I'm sure. Basically there were toilet issues and we had to shift rooms. That's all I am saying.

Anyways, that last day on the road was probably a good thing. It was high time to get out of the Van and walk and be in a house. We stopped just before the Kentucky boarder and spent a bunch of USD on some pretty awesome looking fireworks which I have to tell you I'm rather excited about lighting. I can't help it, maybe there is a small strain of pyromaniac in me.

Alas we are back home in Richmond, Kentucky. And it really is a beautiful state. I just love the scenery and the small town feel of the place. That you can be in the middle of nowhere and there is a huge massive world out there and you can just put your head in the ground and ignore it. I really love it. Hence it's been a while since I wrote. It's been a blur of catching up on sleep, unpacking, getting ready for Christmas and freezing my arse off. Seriously guys. Today is the first time is gone above zero since returning. I even feel last night on some bricks out back (twice mind you) and I can assure you it's not fun. It hurts!

That aside, I went shopping for some warm gloves and a super cool but way too warm jacket. It's multiple layers and makes me look like a marshmallow man or something. Its rather hilarious. But certainly it'll be needed when we head North to Minnesota in February, and very much so when I head to Ottawa at the end of January to see Erin M. Yay! I even have long johns. It's scary. I'm an Australian, we don't even know how to wear these things! Or at least I've never had to.

So it's Christmas in Australia and Sandi takes prize as sending me the first SMS of the holiday. At 1am in the morning, what on earth are you doing up that early girl!! But thanks, the sentiment and thought is much appreciated because it's going to suck to wait another 24 hours to open presents. I can't help it, I'm a kid at heart :-)

Thus today, December 24th, will consist of baking, present wrapping and rescuing Maggie from her void of boredom which seems very Maggie like since I imagine that it's rather weird not to be thinking about study all the frigging time. Rest assured my friend, time with me will always be entertaining!!

Anyways, I think that just about does it at the moment, time to start the day, more so that just waking up and having breakfast and a cup of Yoga Tea. Its raining now.

The Last Leg

2008-12-20T22:58:00.001+11:00

Its our last night on the road. Its been a long trip. It'll be good to get out of the car. I've experienced a real life Road Trip of long proportions across several states from West to South to South East. Phew, lots to see and experience. Tonight we rest our heads in Chattanooga, Tennessee.

Friday we drove across the rest of Mississippi, crossing into Alabama and further still into Georgia, spending the night in Atlanta. One thing I have noticed about big city America is that there is a theme of confusing roads and that usually includes a six lane freeway at some point!! I liked Atlanta even if most of it was seen in the dark and in the rain.

Today, Saturday, we were in Atlanta for the morning and early afternoon, seeing a puppet show about a love struck snowman and wandering around the Puppetry museum there. They even had the original KOB puppet on display. But the pretty cool thing was they had Big Bird there! Yep, in a display case as though he had jumped off the TV screen and into the museum. It was great!

The last night on the road has had drama. Issues with a toilet which lead to it overflowing which has resulted in us moving rooms and now dealing with a smoking room smell. Crap. And that's only a part of it! Oh wells. Tomorrow its back to Richmond, Kentucky and back to the Gow household and the comfort and warmth it holds waiting for us. Woohoo!

Erin read Twilight, that new book everyone seems to be reading and talking about. I've not a clue. It took me like five years to catch onto the Harry Potter phrase so you know. . . Anyways, we been wandering into places to buy the second book in about three different states, if not more! That in itself has been an adventure.

Anyways, its late and Mrs Bucket is on the TV so I am going.

Entering the Deep South

2008-12-18T21:11:00.000+11:00

Well here I sit in Jackson, Mississippi and it's so humid outside! Goodness me! It was like the moment we crossed the Mississippi River from Louisiana to Mississippi the humidity went through the roof!!

Its been interesting to watch the landscape change again. Though the last of three days in Texas was kinda foggy and this afternoon across Louisiana got sort of misty too . . .but you can see subtle changes. I guess the changes have more been in the people. From Hispanics to, well I guess African-Americans is the politically correct term these days. I'm not a racist, far from, but suddenly I'm much more aware of my skin colour which up until now hasn't really been a conscious though. But let me go back a few days.

Tuesday morning we left Odessa, Texas. I left off talking about the Globe Theatre. Well by the time we left (it seriously took us an hour to get out of that place, we thought we'd remain there our whole life!!) we came across not only Shakespeare's Globe, but a scaled replica of Stone Henge! It was hilarious!! Eventually we found our way out of Odessa and hit the road again. Nothing major happened between there and Dallas, only that Dallas and Fort Worth are about 30 miles apart but they sprawl and mix in the centre. That place was huge!! And the traffic and roads in the dark are majorly confusing!!

That night I was introduced to another American Eatery -Denny's. I have to admit, I'm not hugely inclined to go back. I mean the food was nice and all and the pumpkin pie was yummy, but I don't know. It sorta creeped me out a little bit. Maybe it was that particular one.

Oh my gosh, third night running the cartoon version of Survivor is on Cartoon Network and I'm not too sure how much more I can handle. Its so stupid but Erin and Nancy love it. I don't know why!! Its on at the moment and they're laughing and oh my gosh, is it any wonder I've been playing games on the computer in the evening?!!

Anyways, Dallas was freezing and we woke in the morning to a mist and light rain. Visibility wasn't really good so it made driving on those mad highways even worse! At one point I counted five layers of roadway piling skywards. Shoot it was crazy. We ventured to a Mc Donalds built like a Happy Meal but was all very posh inside (totally bizarre!) and then we continued on to Texas Stadium, home to the Dallas Cowboys which was pretty cool. The guy who signed us in said Yáll about three times which just cracked my up (not to his face mind) and we went into the Pro-Store and saw lots of mad things to buy.

The rest of the drive to Shreveport, Louisiana was in fog so we really didn't see too much. We actually arrived in Shreveport in daylight which made a nice change! We stayed at Diamond Jacks Casino which was an interesting experience and a huge room! Seriously, the bathroom part would have been as big as the bedroom part!! And brightly coloured too. But totally cool. The casino was kinda lame, but the main activity of the night was catching up with Shanna and Phillip and finally meeting Anna-Claire! And how adorable is she?! And just a cute baby! And totally mad about Shanna. You can see it when it beams across her face. We ate at a Steak House on the Boardwalk which in itself was a really interesting place down along the river. Its sort of set up like shops on a street, but there are no cars down there and kinda like an outdoor shopping centre. But it was all festive and we even saw Santa on a tram.

Today, Thursday, we stopped for some Mini-Golf in Bossier City before hitting the road again. I won!! Ha!! But 4 strokes, but I won! So the Chattanooga Challenge will be on and a chance for Gow Snr to re-claim her title of winner!! Anyways, it was misty again today and slightly humid, but like I said, big time once we crossed the river. Drove a little around Vicksburg and saw some lovely old homes and the place where Coca-cola was first bottled. There were even casinos on the river too!!

Anyways, I have some Ben and Jerry's calling my name so I should go and answer it. Traveling across America in a car has been an interesting experience, its a good chance to learn more about me, Nancy and Erin too! Oh and Sealy, who seems to be my outlet of someone to talk to when I get bored. She always answers.

Tomorrow, we head to Atlanta, driving across Alabama in the process.

Miles and Miles

2008-12-15T20:13:00.000+11:00

The desert has changed again. This evening I find myself in Odessa, Texas, after spending last night in El Paso and traveling through New Mexico to get there. Eventually I did fall asleep in Phoenix, some hours later we were late getting up and leaving for the day. Oh wells, we can do that once in a while!

Yesterday I felt like all we did was drive, because in the grand scheme of things, that's exactly what we did. Shortly after leaving Phoenix, we pulled into a rest stop and ended up doing a little shopping from some local Indians. I purchased some jewelery and Nancy some pottery. Its beautiful. Back on the road we passed more and more mountains of Arizona. You'd think I'd get sick of it, but the scenery is forever changing and the mountains are just stunning.

Before leaving Arizona we stopped at The Thing, one of those roadside gimmicks that just suck you in for paying $1 and unsure of what you are going to get. The gas station was just a small part of it (coupled with a Dairy Queen). Erin decided to sit the experience out, so Nancy and I paid our $1 and ventured out to see The Thing, following giant yellow footsteps. well basically it was three sheds of really old 'things' which was hilariously bad and we were in stitches. We'd been in anticipation of The Thing for some 30 miles. I guess it was a welcome distraction and in a bad kinda way was well worth it!

Crossing over into New Mexico I became more aware of the number of cargo train on the train tracks. I guess that's because the Interstate was a lot closer to the train tracks than it had been in the previous states. The landscape changed a little, more red and orange sand than anything else. And big boulders. About half way through our trek across New Mexico, we stopped at Shakespeare, a ghost town just off the interstate. It was actually closed, but we took a few photos as dusk fast approached. Shortly before the boarder, we stopped at Cracker Barrel for dinner and oh my gosh I had forgotten just how much I love the food there! Could have done without the spoilt child screaming but oh wells, these things happen.

By 8pm we'd crossed over the boarder once again, this time arriving in Texas. Yes, El Paso was the stop for last night in a somewhat, lower scale hotel than we'd been staying in! Don't get me wrong, it was clean and all, it just felt, well, creepy. That and you could hear just about everything going on next door or up stairs.

This morning we woke a little late again missing breakfast provided by the hotel which probably wasn't a bad thing. Thus I was introduced to IHOP. International House Of Pancakes. Crickey the menu was mind boggling!! Spanish became a lot more fluent in the people around us and everything printed is suddenly duel language. This is because Mexico is so very close. That and a lot of the South has a high population of immigrants. Anyways, over breakfast we made plans for the day.

First stop, Tony Lama's. Yep, I went and bought a pair of cowboy boots and they are so friggin awesome!! The bottom part is brown and the top part is green and that sounds totally gross but they are so not! The store was massive and had a large range of boots to choose from. Who'd have thought working out shoe size could be so complicated! From getting the boots, we travelled down along the Boarder Highway, looking across into Mexico and being in the shadow of the brown fence which separates the two countries. Its crazy. About 40 miles from El Paso all the traffick was diverted off the Interstate for a secutiry check to make sure vehicles weren't harbouring illegal immigrants. Its so weird.

Pretty much today we just drove. Texas (or this part of it) is rather flat and boring. Yes more desert, but at least the other states have had some elevation and tumble weeds in it.

Odessa is a lot bigger than we thought it would be. Taking a wrong turn actually took us the long way to our hotel and it felt like we'd left the town!! Rumour has it there is a copy of Shakespeares Globe here in town. Perhaps we'll check that out tomorrow before leaving for Dallas.

Restless nights in Phoenix

2008-12-14T03:26:00.000+11:00

I can't sleep. Erin would tell me its because there is something on my mind which is why my brain won't switch off. Personally, I don't think it's that. I'm just sure my mind wants to constantly be on the go because it has ADD or something. That's just how it is sometimes. So our room at Hyatt Place is pretty cool I have to admit. Sorta dark at the moment, but very comfy! There's a lot of noise around, well background noise which just seems amplified at the moment. Simply because I can't sleep. People out in the hallway (are they having a HA party out there?!) and the traffic going by. Even at this ungodly hour of the morning.

Speaking of God, we drove along on the way to somewhere (very descriptive, I know) and the ten commandments were posted sign by sign. I always think what you see along the side of the road is a good reminder that you are in America. Its endlessly amusing. I wonder if we shall indeed see some fork cactus today?

Do you know how incredibly hard it is sitting here knowing I have a 42"plasma in the same room with 30 channels of who knows what and know that I can't put it on?! Ohh I hear rustling, maybe someone else is awake?

Nope, seems not. *sighs* oh well I can live in hope right?! Speaking of TV, we caught a bit of a show called How Things Work and they were talking about the Turkey industry here in America. Some interesting facts: Five months is the lifespan of a turkey bred to eat. All the turkey's are artificially inseminated, the males and females never mix. Turkey farms pump out on average 250 million turkey's a year, which equates to approx 1 per person. Americans eat about 17 pounds of turkey per person each year.

That's pretty sad. Its like 3am and I've driven across some amazing parts of the country all ready and all I can think about is turkey? Hmmm maybe I am hungry. I might go rustle me up some snacks!

Land of Scenery

2008-12-13T20:48:00.000+11:00

Desert has been a running theme the past few days. After leaving Vagas it felt like we drove through miles and miles of it, because in all honesty, that's what we did. The excitement came when we discovered that we were to cross the Hoover Dam which I have to admit was very cool indeed. Busy, and cool too. They're building a bridge across the gorge (if that's what it's called??) and Nancy was rather excited about that. Erin just thought she was insane. I just wanted to take a photo knowing that one day it would be a famous landmark.

Sometime later into Arizona we realised that we were in a spot of bother. We were running out of fuel!! I tell you what, for a nation which thus far has blown my mind with the number of exits on the interstate and the sheer number of gas stations and take out places you can find on those exits, it was some 100 miles until we came to a gas station at Kingman in Arizona! I can tell you, that great van pulled into the place on the smell of a rag. OMG it was freakin scary! Though in there I managed to run over a tumble weed which was rather atmospheric I have to admit. The desert just isn't the desert without tumble weed.

Gassed up we continued onto the next great destination. The Grand Canyon. With a late start and several stops under our belt, we didn't arrive in the National Park until after dark. However, I saw the most stunning sunset I have ever seen. It was simply stunning. I saw a beauty I've never seen before, it was magic, really it was.

This morning, Saturday morning, Nancy and I were up at 7am to take a short walk to the South rim of The Grand Canyon to see the sun come up. Having not see the Canyon the day before, I really wasn't sure what to expect. But it took my breath away. It was freezing, I tell you that much! But silent and open and just . . .WOW. It was well worth it and just so beautiful. I can't even put it into words. It left me breathless. Quite literally.

An hour later we got some well needed warm coffee (oh so good!) and returned to the room. We spent the better half of today going to various look out points across the Canyon, stumbling upon a wedding in the process! Fancy getting married on the edge of the Grand Canyon! Seriously, if you only go one place in Arizona, let it be there. Amazing. Beautiful. Stunning. Breathtaking. Around Noon we found Desert View and caught a glimpse of the Colorado River and the freezing air around it.

Hitting the road again, we went through more desert, this time more like what I was expecting to see. The wind was insane though. The strongest I have even encountered in my life. We stopped at a Native American Indian roadside stall type of thing and the wind nearly broke the door off its hinges. driving further along still, we spied a sand storm in the distance which was rather cool. We drove through Navajo and Anasazi area and finally into Flagstaff where we ran into snow! It was awesome!! It snowed for quite some time after that and was bitterly cold, obviously. Arizona has been such a stunning state to drive through and we'll see more of it tomorrow. I think we've spent all the drive (or at least 90%) in Arizona at an elevation of 3000 feet or more! Seriously!

This evening we're settled in Phoenix, where we arrived after dark, yet again. As darkness fell it was pointed out that there were fork cactus out there in the darkness. I so hope we see some tomorrow!! It's a long day on the road, our longest so far. About eight hours we think. So tonight we shall sleep well, get an early night followed by an early start. So I should be off!

On The Open Road

2008-12-13T20:27:00.003+11:00

Its been an amazing few days. Seriously. I can't think of any other words. Okay maybe I can. Bizarre and awesome and incredible and mind boggling. I feel like the last three days have had so much packed into them that it's no wonder I'm feeling a tad on the tired side.

Now, I left off at Disneyland I believe. Upon reflection, the place does seem to have a somewhat magical appeal to it. However, Thursday morning we picked up the hire car. Nancy and I made the journey to John Wayne Airport in Orange County to pick up the mini van. Yep, a white Dodge Grand Mini Van. Believe me, we need it with the amount of luggage we have and how much we are picking up along the way. On the way there we got stuck in the morning peak hour traffic (we were on a shuttle bus) and I tell you now, you've nothing to complain about when you consider we were stuck in six lanes (going one direction!!) of traffic jam pleasure. It was insane.

So we jump into the van, play with all the gadgets and go ohh and ahh over all the cool things it does (and believe me, there are many) and off we go, back to Anaheim, our luggage and Erin. Santa was down in the lobby area upon our return which was pretty cool. Some time later, a lovely person with a luggage trolley helped us load the van and we were on our way to Las Vegas!!

I've never actually seen the desert before, and in the past few days I've seen how much it varies. We crossed the Mojave Desert in the early afternoon. Its rather strange and stunning in a stark kind of way. Our stop came at a small place called Baker where we saw the worlds biggest Thermometer (the gift shop was closed) and a very corny place called Alien Jerky which was merely for my benefit and totally worth the stop, even if it was only for a laugh and a few small souveneers.

Late Afternoon we crossed into Nevada. You're driving along as the sun is going down, through the desert and as soon as you hit the state line, BAM, there's a huge casino with lots of flashing lights and mega huge roller coaster. It was at this point I was like bouncing around with energy because it seemed to be taking FOREVER to get to Las Vegas. Driving along pass more mountains and sand and rocks and then suddenly, there it is. In the dusk this mass of lights and buildings and cars and its just crazy. And as soon as you lay your eyes on it, Vegas just sort of sucks you in. It casts its magic on you. It was all so exciting!! And of course you can see our hotel, The Luxor, from ages away, the big pyramid and Sphinx gives it away, or maybe it's the huge beacon that shoots up from its point into the sky . . .

Its hard to really talk about Vegas. Its just so overwhelming. I guess it's like a hangover. It's a great journey and fun at the time, but you wake up the next morning and wonder what the hell you were thinking the night before. Just to clarify, I did not get drunk, married or win the jackpot. Rather I had a light beer, went on a roller coaster and lost about $30. But that amused me right up until midnight, which I was determined to reach just to not pike it in Vegas, unlike two Gow women I know. So yes, I played some one arm bandits and we ate at New York New York after riding the terrifyingly awesome roller coaster on its roof. Friggin hell, it was worth the $14 I paid!! After dinner the three of us walked as far as the Bellagio, at which point Erin and Nancy went back to the hotel and I walked the remainder of The Strip, stepping in and gambling at some of the biggest named Casinos Sin City has to offer. It was all a blur of noises and lights and people. Needless to say I returned and went to bed on very tired tourist. And it's no wonder I had weird dreams that night.

Friday morning I woke and looked out the winder of our 16th floor spa room to realise that Vegas is dull during the daylight. It really is a bunch of buildings in the middle of the desert. Its incredible the difference from the night time. Utterly incredible.

Starbucks was down in the lobby so after a stop for breakfast and some last minute gambling to wash down with the coffee, we headed back to the van and continued upon our journey.

Looking back I can't really figure out why I was so excited to get there. I mean it was great and one of those experiences that you just have to have and well, experience, but it doesn't leave a glowing impression on me. Its like the lights and the glitz and the glamour all faded away with the bizarre set of dreams I had that night.

The Wonderful World of Disney

2008-12-11T06:54:00.000+11:00

Its one of those pilgrimage places for some people. Disneyland is a place I've been to before, back in 2001 with my SOAR buddies, before the place was prettied up for it's 50th birthday celebrations. I have to admit, you can see the difference, which is nice. This time it felt a little more magical.

Having been to California Adventure the day before, you can see vast differences. Namely in the crowd. And it had nothing to do with the weather, despite it being winter I do believe I've got a little tan line all ready. In California the crowd was as expected when you take into account that it's off season. Disneyland however was packed! Seriously, I remember it being really busy that hot July back in 2001, but aside from the fact it was a lot cooler, it still could have been summer. I guess the place really can be packed year round.

So I only ended up getting a photo with one character. Which is fine really, it was Goofy and he rocks. It just seemed like too much effort to wait in line for a character photo when I could wait in line for a ride. Crap, there were some good ones too! I have to said either Thunder Mountain or Indiana Jones were my favs. Splash Mountain was closed because someone broke it (there were still people stuck in it!!) and well, I think we did just about most others.

It was a hell of a long day. The ankles are starting to ache badly, well there were last night and this morning I've just sort of fallen from the bed to the floor because I couldn't sleep and here I am. I've not actually stood up yet. But it's all been worth it.

On the way into the park yesterday morning (yesterday was Disneyland) we saw a very cute humming bird in the Birds of Paradise plants which are everywhere. They are beautiful. Oh and I never got to go on the very cool looking water slide here at the hotel because it was closed by the time I got down there. But despite the hour, there were a heap of people in the pool and hot tub.

Kids here are very amusing and so animated, its been great fun watching them all. Today we pick up the hire car and hit the road. Las Vagas here we come!!

From Hollywood to Anaheim

2008-12-09T21:03:00.000+11:00

Right now I sit at the desk of our hotel room in the Paradise Pier Hotel which is a part of the Disneyland Resorts. The weird thing is that I am near an air vent and I can hear a baby crying. I'm hoping that my theory that it's travelling up from another room is correct and that there isn't actually a baby in the venting system.

Phew, it's tiring being a tourist! Yesterday we spent day two in Los Angeles, though it was really day one of sightseeing because the day prior to that we stayed mostly in just to try and get our heads in the right time zone. So we made the journey out to Hollywood Boulevard, just on an hour on the train system which in itself is rather interesting and has been creating using good space between the direction lanes on the highways as opposed to having a median strip down the middle. At least they didn't have to clear more land. Los Angeles is an interesting place, and much more Spanish feeling than I expected it to be. Kinda old too. As for Hollywood Boulevard, it wasn't what I was expecting. Much more old and seedy than you would think. In the grand scheme of things its not all that glitzy and there are lots of people trying to give you maps to famous peoples home. I think I stand by my initial thoughts of Los Angeles back in 2001, it's not really a place I'd come back to. It just doesn't feel right.

However, it was fun pointing out the names on the stars even if we didn't see all 2000 of them! Graumans' Chinese Theatre was pretty amazing, some of the hand and foot prints are a good two or three decades old. There were people out the front dressed up as Batman and Elvis and a few others. Just there for the tourists really. I can't imagine what the place would be like in the summer when traffic through there is much higher. What a nightmare.

Heading back into downtown, I made a pilgrimage to a place called Casey's Irish Bar and Grill which for most people means nothing. However, for my Phile friends this is the bar that was used in filming several scenes in Fight the Future. OMG!!! We stayed and had a beer and dessert and I took photos and was all in awe of it. It was just so . . . surreal but totally mega cool and Erin got me a shirt for Christmas which was just the bestest thing. Again, it'll me nothing to the average person walking along the street who sees me in it, but as for me . . .score!

Night two at La Quinta was a quiet one with some early dinner (ohh Taco Bells for fast food Mexican) and a viewing of Mrs Doubtfire which was on TV. That and some totally old school Family Feud which I haven't seen in many years and never the American version.

This morning I woke the others up in order to get moving. We had to change hotels and get out to Anaheim (where the Disneyland Parks and Resorts are) and get into California Adventure!! I missed going there back in 2001 so I wanted to go this time around. I was very impressed with my efforts. We were on the bus from LAX to Anaheim at 9:30. Go me.

California Adventure is kinda like Disney in the city. It's not quite Disneyland, and has some cool stuff in it, but its missing something. However, went on a super cool roller coaster twice (one in daylight, one in twilight) and the log rides and all sorts. Did a little shopping, took a few photos (not as many as you guys would think) and just walked around a lot. It was kinda busy, but again certainly nothing compared to how the summer would see it.

We had to walk through the Grant California Resort in order to get to the guest entrance to the resort. Of my gosh it was like walking into a real Alpine Resort. It was stunning. Seriously. Our hotel is ocean themed and even the little bottles of shampoo etc have black lids on them which have Mickey Mouse ears sticking out the top. Its very cool. Am over hearing Christmas Carols all ready, and Americans talking at me is such a jarring experience. I think I'll be glad to get on the road and get away from big city America.

In saying that, tomorrow we head into Disneyland. The actual original park. It'll be good. This time round I think I'll be a lot more conscious and less tired and up for a bit more fun! We can actually see the fireworks from our hotel out on the swimming pool balcony with the cool water slide. Which reminds me, I was going to try that out!! I'm outta here!

Touchdown In Los Angeles

2008-12-08T07:10:00.001+11:00

Check it out, it's 6 something in the morning and I am awake! Not too bad when you consider that I usually wake around that time at home for work and it's actually 1:52am, so my laptop tells me.

Finally we made it to the USA. The last few days have been a blur. Quite literally. I know at some point we spent our last night in our unit, cleaned and bit and spent some time smelling like chlorine. I can't tell you now, the excitement the man shows in the Easy Off Bam commercial, it's all fake. I had no where near the same amount of joy from that product. False advertising if you ask me.

This brings us to shifting to my aunt and uncles for the last three nights. Yet more of a blur of re-packing, little sleep and lots of details. My car was handed over to my brother (sniff sniff, I'll miss you babe, you've been so great to me) and we had moments of wonder just how much we'd pay for excess baggage. Soul Mama's on Saturday was somewhat disappointing in the sense that many people were coming, but not many actually did. If I am honest, that seems to be the story of my life! I have to admit that I can't actually be disappointed, in the past two years here I really haven't settled too much back into life here and thus don't have a social following as such. Point is that it was yet another confirmation that the big heave -ho overseas is a right choice to make.

Yesterday, Sunday, seemed to go on forever. Which is probably correct because it probably lasted something like 40 hours. I can't do that maths right now. Our flight was late because the Qantas engineers had found an issue with the seal on the door so we didn't board until 1:30 when we were actually supposed to take off at 12:10. Personally, I didn't have an issue. I'm glad they found the problem on the ground before we had to take off. I still maintain that they're a safe airline, no one has died yet and planes have been landed safely. And they're service is still perfectly fine.

And so the 14 hours and 20 minute journey across the ocean began. Oh. My. God. It was long. I had back pain and couldn't sleep which is something I haven't been getting a lot of lately so it was just all bad. I felt like it was going forever!! However, I managed to squeeze in three screenings of I Want To Believe (Squee!!!) plus some Simpsons, Are You Being Served, some CSI and the start of Wanted, which lost my attention about 40 minutes in. Oh wells. Thus, we landed!

My past experiences going through LAX have mostly consisted of blurs trying to catch connecting flight, having me stressed out in the immigration line because I'm running very late. However, as that pain in the butt Murphy would have it, I had no connecting flight, thus the process of going through immigration, collecting bags, clearing customs and leaving the airport was done in one hour. Typical!

We had a lot of luggage. Four checked bags ranging from smallest to largest, weighting 17kg, 21kg, 25.6kg and 31.7kg. Thank goodness for combining weight between bags!! Plus being ladies, we had a 'hangbag' each, plus a jacket, then a backpack each, I had my pillow and Erin had the Laptop bag. Needless to say we had a lot for two people to carry. But we made it!

Los Angeles was like landing back in Melbourne on an overcast but humid day. Seriously. Lots of cars, loud people and take out places. Even now the traffic going past is kinda heavy.

Erin is waiting for me to breakdown and cry. She won't accept the fact that I'm likely not to, not in the way she is expecting me to. I don't feel like crying because in the grand scheme of things, I'm not sad about leaving Australia. Partly because I've done it before (so in theory I'm good for the next 17 months!) and partly because I feel this is the best choice for me. As I said, I really haven't settled in the two years being back at home. Yes, there are a small group of people I will miss, but the world is a lot smaller than most people think it is. And with technology these days, its smaller still.

A Returning Argh?

2008-12-03T13:47:00.002+11:00

The boxes have gone! Yep, the nine boxes just were piled into the truck and not to be seen until four months from now! It's kinda weird to think I'll be without that stuff for so long. You could do a personality guess by the stuff in there, it's a part of what makes me who I am! Someone would have some fun with that no doubt. All I need is for the ship to sink and some poor person like Tom Hanks be stranded on an island with it all. He he he, that would be kinda funny actually.

After all the hype of NaNo, I just made it to the halfway mark. People were right, I was insane to try and get 50k in the busiest month of my life. But I did get half way and that's something. I just found it so hard to sit and concerntrate on it. My mind was like going in ten different directions and unfortunately it wasn't the focus or distraction I was hoping it would be. However, there is always next year when things will be more settled. Oh my god I'll be married then.

Aside from that, I think all seems to be going okay. I'm not left with as much money as I had hoped, but my car is going to my brother which is nice and it's keeping her in the family. I have a road trip happebing on a budget. I'm going to be in Washington DC when Obama is sworn in which is friggin awesome, and I've a free trip to Canada to think about which is nice as well. Yay for frequent flyer miles.

Plans for London are still up in the air. I need to sit down and put some concrete plans in place to have somewhere to live when I arrive there. That's my main concern. Everything should hopefully fall into place after that. Fingers crossed. I feel okay about it all really. I just until I know what is what, I'm not sure what to feel.

Poor Erin has been dealing with all sorts of emotions, I've been a roller coaster at the best of times. Thank god for Lexapro! I dread to think what I'd be like without it. There's been enough going on to throw myself into but I'm having trouble sleeping at night and just really not sure what I want about little things. Like what to watch on TV or what to have for dinner. I can't focus on it. I feel like I am living in La-la land.

So yes, today is Wednesday. Just three full days and two part days to go until we get on the plane. Part of me wants it to come very quick, the other part not. I'm starting to think about all the little things I'll miss. But on a very general level I feel like I've done this before so in some way it makes it a whole lot easier to do.

OMG I have the TV on at the moment. Who has seen those "Talking Sex with Olivia"adverts?? What is up with that, seriously?! You can call them for a consultation now on 1300 50 50 70! OMG what is daytime TV coming to?

Anyways, the afternoon is pretty much free now. I have two phone calls to make (on is fixing an issue with my water company who are ringing me about the address I previously lived at!) and one is about lunch on Saturday. Mmmmm Soul Mamas, I have heard lots of good things about it so am looking forward to good food.

This morning I had to take the Kids on the Block puppets into Guide Centre. The poor things will be living in the shower by the sounds of it. It breaks my heart to see them go!! And to know that they'll sit idle for a while sucks even more!! Someone out there please help out! Those kids can't be left in the shower forever! not even for a month if it can be helped!

Argh!

2008-12-03T13:24:00.002+11:00

So I think I am going insane. I feel like trying to sort the details out of the final things has been one issue after another. Really, I feel like every time I pick up the phone to either call or receive an incoming call, something is wrong. Argh!

Finally finally after six weeks Expedia/AA have refunded my money. Yep when I booked my flight, stupidly (despite all the amounts being quoted in AUD) I was charged in USD which was a lot more than I thought I was paying. As a result, they broke my credit card and even after saying I'd get my money and a cheque in two weeks, only now, six weeks later, do I get my money and it's less than I thought it would be because of the change in the exchange rate. Argh! However, at least its finally sorted.

Then comes the costs to move house. I was quoted one thing, and it was changed. Yep, I've ended up paying an extra $200 dollars more than I thought I would. Good grief! That and people want to try and charge you lots of money for things. Like Bigpond. I have to dish out $60 so that they'll close my account. What's that about? I'm poor before I even leave I tell you. Those out there reading this, don't do it, don't move OS unless you are a millionaire! Even the awesome exchange rate is against me. When we planned on doing this, our cool road trip, the dollar was buying 0.91 USD. Now it's down at 0.63. Wholly crap!!!

Hmmm....the moving people are here. I have to go, I'll be back . . .

Its Closer Now

2008-11-17T08:57:00.002+11:00

Its hard to believe that it's all ready the middle of November, erring on the side of late November. Kind of. Or it will be before I know it. I had many plans for this month, lots to do, much more to achieve. NaNo has fallen by the wayside. I'm not sure how that happened. Oh I should correct that. I know exactly how that has happened. For starters, limited time. Next to that comes focus. I've had very little. I can't seem to hone in on those creative writing juices thus my piece Persona has been left, well, lonely. Maybe I need to change the perspective of it. Include some blog entries, lol. I'll keep going of course, but I doubt I'll make the big 50k in less than 13 days. I'll be pushing it. In order to do that I need to write . . .just over 3100 words a day. Oh yeah, sure! Like that's gonna happen! Unless I give up on sleep. Now that's an option.

Tonight is my third last night of Guides. Its sad. I like the kids a lot. But its also a bit of a releif as well. Monday nights are getting long. I've a 50 minute drive in one direction and a 40 minute one back. On top of the worst day of the week, well, you get my drift. In saying that though, I know I'll miss the interaction with the kids greatly. I'll need to sort that out when I get to the UK.

The weekend was busy. Dinner with Penny on Friday night. Saturday morning was the finishing touches to my 100 Women in Guiding article thingie. Then I drove to Geelong for an X-Files Marathon with Jess and Emma. Left there around 11:30am on Sunday, to come home and pack and sort and pack and eat. I"m trying to do this with a sore foot. Oh yeah, like that's helping! I think I'd rather a hole in my foot!

I'm back at the DTF and CLS. It's rather white and blue. The only thing missing is the hospital smell. On the surface things have changed, but all the same issues are there. You can interpret that any which way you want. And all I need to keep telling myself is that in two weeks, it won't be my problem any more. Still . . .

Crap, where'd October go?!

2008-10-29T10:20:00.002+11:00

Everyone stop. Don't move and stay exactly where you are. No more letting the calendar days turn over. Just put the brakes on! I realised last night that I've only got about 40 days left in the country and that scared the living crap out of me. Lots to do. Though in saying that, some things are sorted. We've got new tenants coming into the unit. So that's cool. I picked up the moving boxes last night, so that's cool.

This weekend I'm going over to Tassie to see my grandparents, and perhaps it may very well be the last time I see my grandfather alive. Which scares me greatly. He's not well, hasn't been for some time but it seems he gets worse and worse every year. Its funny, my grandparents have always been there. Both of them. To have just one just doesn't feel right. Its really sad. The last time I went to the UK my grandfather said his goodbye to me then. If I am honest, I'm not really sure I can handle another right now. That's selfish I know.

I also have to try and see my dad and that side of the family before I go. That's something I feel I ought to do as opposed to something I want to do. In all honesty, they are strangers to me. I know them no better than my co-workers. In fact, I probably know my co-workers better.

NaNoWriMo starts on Saturday. Its going to be an exciting adventure, I've decided this is the missing case from the life of Agent Manchester. The case that brings her home. It's got a dark bad person in it. Titled Persona, it has promise to be somewhat dark and complex. And on the subject of NaNo stories, there's a chance In A Heartbeat (my 07 entry) could be published. It's a self publish job (ie not picked up by a company) but published none the less! Woohoo!

Slowly, Slowly

2008-10-22T14:09:00.000+11:00

So anyways, things are starting to fall into place. Finally. I mean there still are n o concrete plans. But things are happening. I’ve found the company which will ship our items which is all very exciting and all for around $800 assuming we use all 12 boxes which I am doubting because we really don’t intend to take that much!

Next comes wedding plans. Again, while no firm booking has been put in place, we’ve found avenue we can afford, are happy with and will be kinda different. Its not ideal (is anything) but the closest we’ve come to so far. Hopefully we’ll make that booking in January. Six months in advance should be enough, right? In addition to that, the guest list is shaping up nicely. We’ve talking about posting Vs electronic invites. Still no thoughts on what we are to wear, but that can come closer to the day. For me I know that will come down to how much weight I can shift. I have an idea in mind, it’ll just be a case of seeing if I can fit into it!

Then there is Kids on the Block. While again there are no confirmed things in place, there is interest enough to have a possible hand over before we go. Which will be nice! Its not a complete weight off my mind, but it has indeed lightened the load.

As for the unit, we’ve had six inspections with two more lined up for tomorrow. Phew! I’m a bit over the strangers in my hone deal, but at the end of the day it’s all in our favour.

There are still other things on the list to sort out, however, it knocks over a fair few big ones even to have those small rays of light in place.

NaNo is fast approaching and in talking to some people it sounds like there are plots and everything in place. I feel kinda slack on that front. However, my character in my mind is starting to take a little more shape which is reassuring. A little.

I need to go figure out something for my car!

Observations

2008-10-20T13:45:00.000+11:00

Its rather interesting to watch how things grow and change. I know of late I’ve not been happy with where I am working and the amount of work I’ve been doing. But the lack of it has allowed me to sit back and watch people. I almost feel like I am back at Pax Lodge where there was the world of the Snr Staff and the world of the HA’s. And sometimes they would collide. In this case it’s 452 and 412 the buildings. In contrast to 412, 452 is like stepping back in time to High School. It’s insane.

Also amusing. See, because of my fast approaching departure, I’m in the unique position of really not giving a damn any more and not really caring that I feel that way. To watch and witness the yelling and screaming (both physically and metaphorically) of others and their plight to keep things as they always have been, I’m in a position where I am able to see the changes happening and the direction they are going in.

This leads me into NaNoWriMo and my thoughts about that. I mean I have this creepy little dark person which has no cause or worth or rhyme or reason. At the moment I feel like I am looking at the world through some sort of special window. Like I can see things coming. And I’m wondering how I can use that. I’m also wondering how I’ll hit my word count this year! I’m also hoping to go to a few of the social events to meet a few more NaNo people. Not sure how successful that attempt will be, but the want and meaning is there.

Friday night I have Region Dinner. I’m both looking forward to it and dreading it. Last year was mighty painful and a little dull. I remember Region Dinners and Breakfasts of years past that were full of laughter and talk and friendship. Now days it seems like there are teams and sides and it’s all about politics. The friendliness has gone. While I’m wishing I could just stay home and relax, I know I’m sort of expected to go because this indeed will be the last Region event I will go to. I don’t know, it’s just sort of hard to feel enthusiastic about it.

Here Comes NaNo!

2008-10-17T13:32:00.004+11:00

I have to admit to being slightly excited about NaNoWriMo this year. I mean there is all the normal excitement there as well, but also the sense of challenge I'm now putting myself towards because there is going to be a hell of a lot going on.

Other than my somewhat dark character making it'self know (genderless at this point) I don't seem to have a whole lot to work with. However, last year Cassandra in my piece In A Heartbeat, did exactly the same thing so I feel like it's okay not to be concerned. Still, I'd like to have a title before I start this year. Or at least one that sticks.

We'll see how it goes. Just 14 days to go!

Put Put

2008-10-16T10:58:00.002+11:00

Just pottering along the road to a Nervous Breakdown. Okay, so its not that serious really. But I am feeling frazzled. The final strawer came when my car broke down just outside Port Campbell at like 8pm at night, again 20km later and having a tow truck arrive at 10:30pm. While in hindsight it certainly was an adventure, it was the last thing I needed. Three and a bit ours home in a tow truck is not fun let me tell you. However, finally, four days later, I'm gearing up to pick up my little baby this evening after work. Yay!

There is a lot going on. That's obvious. Slowly but surely I'm becoming more aware of things I will miss. Singing taps with the girls at Guides on Monday night had me kinda choking up. Though we have established the emotions are kind of frayed at the moment.

Working at E-Crime still kinda sucks, however in my moments of spare time have managed to possibly find a wedding reception venue, found a good price on a flight (just need to book it) and even found a shipping company which actually has a special on at the moment for shipping to the UK. Some things are looking rosy which is nice.

KOB is a nightmare in lots of ways. Had to cancel a show because of car issues and I'm now starting to fret that no one is coming to the training next weekend and as a result of that, I've not a clue who I am going to hand over the puppets to. Give me strength.

There are good things though, let me reassure you. The weather is getting nicer, I'm getting excited about my multiple trips in the US, plus Erin and I celebrated three years together back on the 14th. And alas, on the far horizon, there is a slight glimmer of hope for a third X-files movie, oh how wonderful that will be!! Argh! AND Gillian Anderson will be ina play next May in London and I am so there! Woohoo!!

Bizzard, Very, Very Bizzard

2008-10-10T08:15:00.003+11:00

How so? Simply I couldn't think of a title to "blog about' so I just thought of any word and that's the one that came to mine, thanks Pen. Lol. To be honest I don't really have a lot to purposefully say, I just sort of want to ramble and I don't know why. This is why after a while a physical journal fails to work for me. I can type much quicker than I can write and I always feel to use the ink and the paper, I should write something worth saying. Not that I am saying what I have to say isn't worth saying. It's just well, not quite.

Thankfully it's Friday. The thoughts in my head right now are whining. Its only been a week, it terrifying to think I still have three more to go. My mind is also sort of all over the place about a lot of things. Time is ticking by. I think I could be talking in about ten different directions if I were verbalising all of this.

You see, recently I came off my anti-depressant. Which isn't a big issue, it was half a tablet and working on methods to balance my moods. It took a long time to be able to admit that I took them and a long time for me to understand depression itself. First of all that there are varying degrees and ways in which is can impact on a person's life. I for one have been better off for the knowledge I gained and the help that half a little white pill has given me.

However, I don't want to be popping pills the rest of my life regardless of how small it is! The thing I actually wanted to say was that I was so sure I could handle things on my own, and frankly I am. Its just I notice the different in how I handle things. Its a this point that I bring those methods of control into play, those coping mechanisms. Its actually quite nice to be able to take control. But in coming off that little while pill, I'm actually aware of just how much of a difference it made. So it's really kind of fascinating really. Okay, maybe that's a little twisted for some of you. But human behaviour is exactly that!

I'm trying to figure out how to explain it. Okay, think radios. You have an old style manual tuning radio. You get fed up with it. So you upgrade to a new, auto tuning one. Perfect. Clears the static, makes life easier. But after a while you come to understand that you would always tune the old manual one, you just lost touch. So you go back to it. Takes a while to clear the static away, but you certainly can do it.

I think that's the best I can do.

Moving on, aside from the above which I had not an intention of talking about, life is busy. I'm in a temp role in another building which I'd rather be doing without, but oh wells. Guides is keeping me busy. The unit is growing nicely. International is sort of pushed to the side at the moment because Kids on the Block has sort of taken precedent considering the time frame I'm now on to have a hand over. We also have a training day coming up. The gym has fallen by the wayside to make room for Nancy's visit and preparing for the onset of moving. Once she leaves it's all systems go for packing up the house. Or beginning to. Then there are trying to pin down some plans for the wedding. Good grief!

My brother has moved back to Melbourne and is living with mum. I'm not sure what to feel about that and I'm not so sure it was a wise move. However, I could be proven wrong. I just hope it all works out for him is all. He's a good kid. Well, young man now I suppose!

Of late I've been thinking about the person I was and the person I am and the person I am aiming to become. There's always room for growing. But its kind of hard when two of those three merge into being. There are patterns of the old Rachael starting to return. Starting to panic and be scared. Starting to want things that I cannot have. Worst of all, starting to question everything that is.

Just another day in the life of Rachael! Man, one day I'm gonna write a book about it all.

Just 21 days until NaNoWriMo 2008 begins. Bring it on!

Monday It is (ITIS!!!)

2008-10-06T10:01:00.001+11:00

You know I really do not want to be here. But not in the usual way. Right now I'd be more than happy to be at my desk back at 412. I'm left wondering if I'll be able to hack the slowness of this place. There is like, nothing to do. Seriously. I'm at the mercy of updating the admin folder and I can tell you now I am ever so glad that I dragged it along to work on, Oh my GOSH!!

The weekend was nice. Not long enough as always and having daylight savings start didn't really help. However, found a house I really, really like! Not that I'm looking for a house at the moment. Its just that Nancy wanted to go and see some display homes so I took her out to Caroline Springs while Erin was at work. Anyways, found a home by Porter Davis that I liked a lot. More than any of the others there and we looked at like 16 or some crazy number like that! Anyways, it struck me how modern and ugly homes have become these days. That and how huge they are. I mean seriously, do people really need that much space to live in? And come on, there was like at least three lounge/living areas in each!! Darn scary it was.

Friday I bought myself a journal. I assumed that soon enough I'll need it and there's not always a chance I'll get to my blog. That and not everything I think or feel should be expressed in such a public place. Some things I do wish to remain entirely my own thoughts.

My other excitement/time taker-upper which will start soon is NaNoWriMo, no longer am I a virgin! Phew! I think it's going to be a crazy month and initially I'd hoped to blow 50,000 to high heaven, however in reality I'll be happy enough just to hit 50,000 in the first place!! So far no major ideas have made themselves known. I'm not too concerned yet as I came up with In A Heartbeat just days before it started. This year all I have is a genderless person in a dark room who seems to pick at their skin a lot. Kinda nasty if you ask me. Ewww.

Suddenly its October!

2008-10-03T10:43:00.002+10:00

There's an obvious opening. Just in case you'd not noticed the date at the start of this post. A lot of things are going on in my mind at the moment. Some good, some bad and some pretty neutral. Which is always a good thing.

It's now two months and four days until I leave Australia. It all sounds so final. For a time I was okay with that and I still am, it just feels like all of a sudden it's become even more final. I'm not sure it's a feeling I can put into words. But its more looming now. There's lots to do, but lots to not do because I have to wait for things to be done!!

Nancy arrived well and safe, and with her came the return of the Erin I've tried so hard to live without. That sounds horrid, it's not meant to be. But Erin can be very childlike at times, and being around her mother brings that out in her. There are moments where I just want to scream "For God's Sake she's 23 years old not 10!!". But alas I cannot. Simply because they have a somewhat unique relationship to any I have with anyone else. So it has been trying at times. Aside from that, we've had a pretty full on time. There was an evening along Southbank, then there was the Royal Melbourne Show and then an AFL Grand Final BBQ in a real life aussie back yard, and then we hit the road for four days to go up to Canberra. We had some simply stunning weather I have to admit.

What struck me driving along the road was a sense of self, but not centred on me, rather on Australia. There is something nice about driving along for hours on end on a straight road with lots of "Australian-ness" around you. Its hard to explain. The landscape is amazing and somewhat unique to anything I've seen before. A part of me would like to one day take the time to drive around Australia, armed with nothing more than clothes, food and a camera. I think it would be kind of cool. I guess I developed an appreciation of the place. And laughed at a few names along the way.

I've started working at e-Crime for a month, something that was pushed onto me with short notice (in true Vic Pol style) and while its slow and boring and different, and despite the fact poor Jade is left holding the fort at DTF and CLS, I can't help but want to be back there. Back at my desk, doing my work and being around things I know. It's rather odd here. I'd like to note that for amusement factor, I've discovered the mess room has bookshelves in there with all sorts of books on computers and their programs. It's amusing, I'm at Geek central and these guys seem to pretty proud of that. I feel out of my depth. I felt stupid asking how to turn the computer on this morning because it wouldn't work for me!! Alas, most normal users would have had an issue too. So I don't feel too bad.

Oi, give me strength!

Friday

2008-09-19T08:35:00.002+10:00

Just to point out the obvious, you know. As I'm good at that. Thankfully it's the end of the week. Just a half day at work followed by a 3 hour International meeting. Then interviews for International tomorrow then a puppet show in the evening in Ballarat, cleaning on Sunday, Nancy arrives Monday!! It's gonna be busy. Crazy busy. But good. Hopefully.

Have been updating my Pax Blog, the one I am posting up old e-mails. Its pretty hard to figure out what to put and when and what to leave out. I mean there are some parts of e-mails which should remain unsaid and only known between sender and recipient. But I find it interesting to see what was going through my mind. Hilarious even.

I'm bored. I think I should do some work! What there is of it.

Tuesday Child . . . was it full of Grace?

2008-09-16T12:22:00.002+10:00

Just for something different I thought I would write when I had nothing to complain about. Well I am sure if I really think about it I could complain. But generally speaking I'm feeling upbeat which certainly is a turn up for the books. I think that its got a lot to do with Fluid Retention. Okay so that's something maybe you didn't need to know about, but I went and got some pills to help it because I was finding my hands were swelling up something shocking and I was getting tummy cramps and yeah . . . anyways, I think it's working. I even feel up to going and doing the stairs again. Though admittedly I did not do all 12 floors today, just 8 of them. Phew!

Nancy arrive in less than a week, its all very exciting! There is lots going on and lots to show her and lots to get her to taste. It'll be really cool. The first week and a bit is pretty busy, in face the times not at work are busy! Fingers crossed this trip (she was last here in August) will have much better weather and if days of late are anything to go by, then it should be.

Guides. What can I say about Guides? It tired me out last night. Really, it did. Made me feel old. But I suddenly realised I have but 8 nights left. That's it. just 8 nights because there are two weeks of school holidays and a Monday without Guides because of the Melbourne Cup. Wholly crap that's scary. And sad. Because I like the kids, they're great and we've just got an influx of new girls and it's brought a new life into the group.

Well, I'm out of water and thirsty, so I should go and top up I suppose. Not that I am sure where the nearest water cooler is. The refurb on this floor has sent everything in a million different directions. I could endless complain about that, but I won't. Rather I'll just focus on the fact the floor will be a hell of a lot better at the end of it all!

Wedding Plans

2008-09-15T13:45:00.003+10:00

How hard is it to keep people happy?!! Okay, that sounds a lot worse than it actually is. We've been engaged for about a month or so now, maybe more. We've talked about a two week time frame and the city in which we are to wed -or the legal equivalent in London. Beyond that, we know it will be an outdoor evening reception, simple, a little formal, but relaxed.

There will be a legal ceremony, no doubt at a registry office somewhere. There will be food. We even talked about clothing. I do not wish to have a white dress, but I'm not against the idea of a dress. Or a fitted suit. Unsure. I guess that will depend on my body shape as the date draws near!

However, it seems people want more details. More, More, MORE!! Like, what exact date? A definite location. What sort of wedding gifts do we want? What will we need? Oh my gosh!!! People, calm down! I thank you for your enthusiasm I really do, but until I get to London and can figure a few things out, there aren't going to be confirmed details!!

Oh, and we want happy flowers. Oh and not traditional fruit cake with think icing. No thanks!

There isn't even talk of a honeymoon, goodness me! How will we survive! We plan to have invitations, we plan to design our own and have them printed while in the USA over Christmas, New Year and into Feb. That way we can send the same invite to everyone, make it personal and hopefully keep people happy!

I sound so ungrateful. I am not, honest, in fact I'm actually rather flattered that people care so much. Its a new experience, believe me! I just . . . I don't know, I can't give people the answers they want right now and there is no sign of being able to to that any time soon.

Culture, yup that's what its about!

2008-09-11T13:46:00.002+10:00

The weekend has made me think about a few things. One of my issues comes down to culture. For the longest time I felt like I was being a snob. Like I felt so much better than everyone else and I hated that feeling. The Australian Culture has a core of mateship. Yes, I love that. But coating that core is the layer which creates the unspoken law that to go out and have a good time, you need to go to a pub and get pissed. That I do not like. Its all about pubs and clubs. About how much you can drink and who you can snog.

I hate it. I want so much more than that, but the quest to find it has become futile. The few friends I did have who were not into that, have vanished off into their own lives. I almost feel like a stranded island. I understand so much more now why I found it hard to make friends in high school. Like good friends. Genuine friends. Friends with whom you say more than a passing hello to. You know their life. They know yours, and yet its not invasive. For the longest time I thought I had that, I thought I was as happy as I could be. But soon I saw different.

People ask me why I am leaving Australia? Why leave behind an awesome country? Deep down I don't feel that it is all that awesome. And perhaps it comes down to culture. The Australian Culture is not my culture. Its not what I want. Its not who I am. I don't want to settle for boganism. I want to pronounce words correctly, not be excited by the fact that Kmart and Safeway are in multiple states. I don't want a life that's about drinking on a Friday night, about being plastered or paralytic.

I am only partly Australian. Some things I am proud of, others I am not.

Spring

2008-09-03T13:24:00.002+10:00

At last it is here! Not that it much matters really. As I sit here at my desk, the most I can still see are walls and desks and doors. I suppose it means I can let my imagination run a little wild and now picture sunlight outside. Which makes a nice change.

The refurb has started at work. I feel like there are people everywhere. Boxes in places that they shouldn't be, items that should be somewhere, but aren't. Trolleys and walls and dust and thuds and noise. I am sure once it is all done and completed it'll look nice. In the interum, it means we get to see the change over as it occurs. Or something like that. All I know is that its going to be bloody insane while this all goes on. Goodness me.

Its moments like this I am glad of the little SOAR reunion on Friday. Yep five nights in Sydney to catch up with Lauren, Carolyn and Kacey. It's gonna be good fun! It's been seven years since SOAR and lots has been going on and changed and yeah, it'll be good. I actually need to figure out how I will get out to the hotel, and I also need to call Kacey. I need to make a list!

OMG!!! OCD! OCD!! Quick, where is the CPS group?!

Blah

2008-09-01T09:03:00.002+10:00

Is how I feel right now. Starting day 5 of being completely out of action with something that started as a sinus infection which I now think has become a chest infection. It's horrible. When I breathe I sound like a old person with emphasaemia. It's just horrid. I feel like crap. Pretty much, that's it. Crap. Arghh!! I'm supposed to be going to Sydney on Friday. I have to get better!!

It's now official. There are less than 100 days left until we leave Australia. Its rather exciting. We're getting our plans together for three months in the US, mainly the big road trip from LA to Richmond, KY. It's all rather exciting. I then need to start getting things together to start applying for jobs in London. I estimate the Pax OA position comes up in March assuming the person in the current role doesn't stay on. I'd like to apply for that. But I also want to apply for Scotland Yard or The Met in an admin role. Ideally Pax would work. It would give me 12 months of income without to much out going costs which certainly is a very good thing! Alas in saying that, I don't just assume I would get it. Because I know it's a big world out there.

But yes, things are happening.

Today being the 1st of September I should be starting Spring into Summer at the gym. Somehow I can't see that taking off at great speed for me right now!! Not the way I feel. . .

Resignation

2008-08-20T08:29:00.003+10:00

That's it! I did! It's done!! The letter of Resignation from Victoria Police is now handed in and making it's way through the chair of command like a row of dominoes falling one by one. Okay, perhaps not that drastic and not that amusing. Still, it's moving. I cannot tell you how nice yet weird this feeling is. It's going to end! Oh joy! I'll leave this work place's woes for that of another, but there will be a three month holiday in there! Woot Woot! However, it also makes things a lot more final. I've got just over three months to get finances in line, book a ticket, find a mover, sort out my last week (this will be vital to helping things run smooth) and a whole bunch of other things that right now are just clogging up the thought processed.

And I still want to do NaNoWriMo in there?! I keep telling myself it'll be a good focus, but I don't know. Maybe I'm just being insane!

I was talking to a good, old, almost lost friend. It's complicated. There is a history there. Good and bad and some self inflicted and some not. Anyways, we were talking about marriage (which I am embarking on, oh my gosh!) and kids and a few other serious things as one does when one reaches their mid 20's. And well, I want to go back to the kids idea and pose a question:

Does it really matter if there parents of each gender, parents of one gender or simply one parent?

Many years ago, the belief was that stable kids came from a stable home life with mum and dad. However, society has changed so much, the structure of family has changed so much that perhaps that ideal family isn't so much needed any more. A lot of people will argue that kids screwed up the most have come from split families or families of same gender persons in the parental role.

Having come from a split family myself, having known people who have had same gender parents and knowing people from that ideal family, I'd have to say that the most screwed up tend to be from the ideal family! I turned out quite well! And I mean, I dunno, would the concept of same gender parents be a problem? I mean as long as the child is loved and can source either female or male role models from other places (ie aunts. uncles, family friends etc) . . . I just, I can't personally see what the big deal is. I know people who would kill for a loving family, to have been better looked after as a child . . . and I know people who were given everything they could have wanted from that "ideal family" yet have turned out to be the most horrid and selfish people I know. So what gives?

That's my rant for the moment. And even then it's not a rant. Just a thought process I guess. Not that I am having kids any time soon either! Don't go getting the wrong idea! It was just something to think about that's all.

Oi -back to work. Back to archiving. Back to the cave.

Reflection

2008-08-14T15:53:00.002+10:00

Canberra was cold. But then, that's Canberra! It even snowed which I have to admit I was pretty impressed by. It was a weekend of spending money, alcohol, drugs, sleeping, eating and driving. Well for most anyways! I was minus a few of those things (mainly drugs I might proudly add). What I did realise though is that I'm very happy with my life. I may lead a simple one and not party a lot nor have the best or first of everything, but I am happy. I am not trying to replace being lonely with monetary items.

Now I am back at work, back to the slog. Thats okay. I keep telling myself there are merely months to go and that's that. Being the start of August means no greencard, but also means plans are now conrete to go ahead and move to London. Which is exciting, I have to admit. Plus there is a wedding to plan for (as big or as small as we wish!) and well, just general excitement about being back in that part of the world.

Before then, Nancy will come. Before that I will be in Sydney for the mini SOAR reunion. And before that, I'll be in Bendigo for Zoe's wedding party. It's all happening, I tell you!

Seriousness

2008-08-05T15:18:00.002+10:00

I looked at myself this morning before leaving for work and found myself looking at someone I didn't know. Not because I was a stranger and doing things I never thought were a part of my personality, but rather because I genuinely feel happy. I'm at a place I didn't see myself being at, certainly not now.

Erin and I are engaged. We will marry in the English summer of 2009 in London. There are still lots of plans to make, but most of those will have to wait until February or March to begin to be looked at. Its rather exciting I have to admit. I smile lots and people are very happy. Well, most anyways. I feel the people located furthest from me aer most happiest. I don't know, maybe I'd lost touch with life here a lot more than I thought I had. Not that it concerns me any, I'll be leaving soon and I have to tell you that's pretty awesome.

I'm highly surprised August is here. I'm not sure what happened to July. I know it felt like Maggie was here fleetingly (it was a whole month!) and I know that XF2 was released . . . but it can't be August all ready, can it? I mean winter will be over before you know it. Soon, Nancy will be here. Soon we will move. Soon I will leave for good. All in the space of months. In four months in fact. Four months and two days to be exact. And if July went by so quickly, well you get my drift.

Comfy Viewing

2008-07-30T08:38:00.002+10:00

Have you ever been to see a movie in Gold Class? I now have! And talk about nice! Oh man! Nice, big reclining chairs which are big and puffy and comfy. And then the food. And the coffee which comes out towards the end of the movie . . . oh man!! I went for a second viewing of I Want To Believe last night and much enjoyed it. Because of the comfort but also because this time round I wasn't all hyped up and was able to focus a little more. Which was nice because I got to see all the things I missed the first time round.

All ready there is speculation for a third movie. Who knows, maybe that time round I'll be in London for the premier :-)

Maggie goes home tomorrow. I can't believe it! How fast has this month gone? Its almost like since we went up to Sydney that time has zoomed and now it's like almost all over. Insane! Its going to be weird not having her around, but nice as well. Not that's its been horrible having her here, not at all! But I guess having someone around makes you realise how much of a routine you have. And I was always bought up to believe you look after you guest as best as possible. So it's almost like a month of being on duty even though that wasn't expected of me! It's just a programmed thing I have happening!

The big news is that Sally has decided to quit from Pax Lodge. I have to admit, I saw it coming, just not so suddenly that's all. Should I go back and work there next year it will be just Grace and Heather there that I will know. Which is good because I really want to go back with a different perscpective in mind. I will approach it much differently and look forward to meeting a whole bunch of new people too. Anyways, that's all dependant on the "if" factor.

This weekend will be screening number 3 of IWTB and the weekend after that will be House Warming weeking with Lou up in Canberra! Yay!

Work to Rest

2008-07-28T12:45:00.002+10:00

Its been a pretty full on weekend, some 10 hours of driving or perhaps even more! This is Maggie's las weekend in Australia so we jumped in the car on Saturday Morning and drove the length of the Great Ocean Road to the 12 Apostles. Then all the way back. It was pretty good and for the most part we were really lucky with the rain, it only seemed to pour down on the times we were driving between stops. What more could you ask for?!

On Sunday we decided to go down to Phillip Island and said the Penguin Parade which was pretty awesome. Kinda cold and not as many penguins as there is in the summer, but great none the less. I got a pal for Squeak, Squee is his name and he is very cute.

I'm trying to decide if I want to start putting up photos with my posts. Like one photo a post or something. I'm not sure, but maybe make a habit of it more so than not? Something additional to do I suppose, and sometimes a scene is easier to express in visuals rather than words.

Something is up with my body at the moment. Its just not happy about anything.

I Want To Believe -and Have!

2008-07-25T08:53:00.002+10:00

So I had intended to write yesterday in the lead up to, the big anticipation of finally going to see XF2. It just didn't happen. For a few reasons, one was that I was jumpy and all over the place and the day simply didn't go quick enough. And also because I had work to do. And I may have had a glance at the LA Premier online for a while . . .

. . . Alas all has been revealed! Sort of. In true X-Files tradition there are questions left unanswered, but not as many as their could have been. Overall the movie has sort of left me half half in the sense that I wasn't expecting what I saw. It was both reassuring and different. Like going home to family and friends after a long time away. It was odd. But all very good!

It was nice to see that the corny humour and one liners were still around, still nice to see old faces and also quite nice to have Mark Snow back creating that creepy kinda atmosphere. For the most part its what long time fans wanted, but also a new spin on things, just enough to pull in a new fan base some 10 years since the show started. It may even be more now, who knows.

However, what I wasn't expect was such a strong story line on the whole priest pedophile thing. Is it any wonder the movie has had like no PR in the lead up to the release, especially since Worth Youth Day was last week and that very subject was one discussed with the Pope.

My overall rating. I'd say about a 9 or a 9.5 out of 10. It's nice to have fresh material, even if it isn't new ground :-) And yay for the shippy moments too!

Being Back

2008-07-22T10:20:00.002+10:00

Talk about difference in weather. Sydney was glorious. Melbroune is drab. Ha! But it is nice to be "home" as such, be back in my own house with my own bed and my own things and my own shower, toilet, kitchen and my car! Oh how I missed and worried about my car! Alas, I was quite happy when I get back to the airport carpark and found her still sitting there. December will be gut wrenching for me!

So. Sydney. We saw lots, ate lots and saw lots and lots and lots of people! Oh we even took a day trip out to the Blue Mountains which was better than I feared, though the driver left a lot to be desired for. Not that his driving was bad, rather I just wish he hadn't spoke so much and tried not to be so "Okka Aussie". Drove me mad after a while. Very soon. The highlight of that day was the evening. We missed the ferry we were supposed to get, however, it got us back into the Harbour after dark and it was so totally worth it! It was stunning to see the city all lit up and go under the bridge and yeah, awesome.

Now it's back to the real world. Back to work and guides and laundry and bills. Sighs. Oh wells, as Ned Kelly said, Such is Life, or at least I think it was he who said it. . .

World Youth Day

2008-07-18T20:08:00.002+10:00

Oh my gosh, it's so insane! I'm in Sydney at the moment with Erin and Maggie playing tourists. And well on my part the planning was bad. There are people all over the place. Seriously. Packed. But for their luck and ours, the weather has been simply glorious, in fact, I even caught a little sun today.

We went all around the place. First to the Opera House, then walked across the Sydney Harbour Bridge. From there was a ferry from the North Shore round to Darling harbour for lunch, then on the Monorail to Hyde Park, the Australia Musuem and then back to where we are staying for yet another night in. That's going to do my head in. In saying that, it's been fun.

Fickle -The Word of the Day

2008-07-15T12:22:00.002+10:00

I've decided if I were to turn into a word, it would be Fickle because right now that's what I feel surging through my body. Fickle. Or Fickleness, if that's even a word. Lots is Fickle right now. Lots is changing which makes things even more Fickle. Or it feels like lots is changing, thus I guess lots will become Fickle. I highly doubt that is making any sense to anyone other than myself and even then I'm not sure that it makes sense, as such.

Let's start over.

I'm in an odd mood today. Or was. Then I just got really made again, and decided I'm back to really badly wanting to quit my job. I really badly can feel that I'm now no longer getting anything out of this and am feeling of no use to anyone. More than anything I am so over being treated like a piece of poop and being on the receiving end of frustrations simply because I am the lowly admin person. My new side kick seemed as appalled as I was about it. I told her it's all a part of our role. Not to take those things personally, even if they are point blankly directed at us. Needless to say she's said no more about the matter. I so hate this job. I really do.

Relationships are also a fickle thing. Friendships, romances, accquaintances. I'm telling I feel like Bass Straight has suddenly overflowed and is whole heartedly intending to drown me. Gosh darn it! I want life to be simple again!

Maggie is over at the moment so we've been busy playing host, working, guiding gyming and just trying to sleep every once in a while. Having a guest in the house suddenly points out just how routine and home body like we are. In saying that, I don't imply we are a pair of recluses. Just set in our ways that's all. And it's really sort of boring to an outside person no doubt!

I just . . . I don't know. Sometimes I feel like a stranger in my own life. It's almost like I leap out of my body and suddenly find myself questioning if this is who I am and if I'm leading my life in the right direction. I should imagine a lot of people find themselves asking the same thing. But still, it doesn't make the though any less alarming. I assumed I was doing what I wanted to do. Though right now I feel like I am stuck in a bogg, can see the distant shore but also know I am getting no closer to it. What the hell is that about?!

There is a nice new shining ring on my finger. It's a rather odd thing to wear. I don't say that in a bad way. But it feels different to how I thought it would feel, not that I could describe how I thought it would feel in the first place. Not that I've ever thought of straying, I have very stong feelings about that. But it's almost like now I totally can't. Not that I want to! It's odd. I am looking at things in a very odd way today. Maybe there was something in my tea. Or maybe it was the stale cornflakes, I do not know.

Have to admit I am both excited about and dreading the arrival of Thursday. Sydney. Normally it would be fine, but the more and more I read about World Youth Day, the more nervous I become. I can't believe of all weekends I choose for us to fly up there, that's the one. Good grief.

Mmmm Ice -Cream

2008-07-13T20:27:00.002+10:00

I totally want ice-cream right now! I think some real good, rich chocolate would do the trick!

It's been a busy few days. Maggie has arrived, I've eaten out like a heap of times (tends to be that case around birthdays) and well, there's work and we're a KOB show tomorrow and it's all just sort of crazy. But not totally crazy. I've also been trying to cram in the gym which has fallen by the way side in rescent times which is a bad thing.

Winter is in full force in Melbourne now. Shouldn't have expected much less really, but its cold and blustery and rainy and the fog has been quite hilarious in some respects because its been hiding a lot of the buildings in the city.

It's just over a week before XF2 premiers. Totally pumped for that! I tried to win a midnight screening tickets but failed dismally. So I'll head out to see it on the 24th like everyone else. But it's almost here!!

Yummy Morning

2008-07-10T08:18:00.001+10:00

Happy Birthday to me!!

Have you ever noticed how much better a Grande Caramel Macchiato and chocolate crossant taste on your special day?? I have, yum yum!

I have the Wicked soundtrack, it's so brilliant and all I've been singing of late.

July beings the mid 20s

2008-07-07T10:00:00.002+10:00

First and most pertanent of questions floats from your mouth. How was the Opera? Well let me put it this way. I left after the first act. About 45 minutes in and I'd had enough so I bid farewell to Erin and Maggie and left for the freedom of the street. Goodness me! Remind me never to try attempt Opera again. I'm sure it's only really mild and I'm sure that the show maybe got better, but I can't deal with people singing at me like that! And no it's not like a musical! Those are fun! Those you can understand, those don't recite the same lines over and over again! But in saying that, it was an experience and I can now say I've seen live Opera, even if it is only a little bit.

This week brings me face to face with an age crisis. I'm entering my mid 20s. I'm leaving my early 20s behind (which have been really great years I might add) and am entering the settling phase of my life. Apparently. Anyways, it promises to be a busy week with dinner and gym and guides and sight seeing and yeah, busy. I don't feel like it's near my birthday in the same way I usually do. Maybe that's a side effect of getting older. Who knows. Not that I am ancient yet mind you.

I Want To Believe premiers so very soon! In like 17 days! It's rather exciting I have to admit, I'm very much looking forward to seeing it. Which reminds me, I really need to go put Triple M on to listen, they're giving away preview tickets for a midnight screening. Must go!

Mixed Emotions

2008-07-03T12:21:00.002+10:00

They're such complicated things, emotions. You can feel any number of them at once and it's like different parts of you are split into different segments and are arguing with themselves. I guess that's what it feels like to have multiple personalities, only I'm not sure the person is aware that they have multiple personalities.

Anyways, here's a run down of it all. Firstly, and foremost, I'm excited. Maggie arrives tomorrow morning. July has arrived ever so quickly! So there will be lots to do and see and Erin will be very happy for some time because she'll have a little slice of home here and I know its going to make her smile unlike she's smiled in a long time. But on the flip side to that, I know that when Maggie goes she's going to be all sad and depressed and really homesick. So that in turn makes me feel bad. It's such a bittersweet situation.

Next in line comes guilt. And well, for a lot of reasons. Mainly because we're have the first screw up of KOB shows and even though its not my fault, I still feel bad. Way back in May for the Guides Vic AGM we talked to a group of people about coming and performing for what I assuming is like a school holiday program, but only for a day. Because it was a work day, it would require us taking time off work. At that stage they were unsure if we were going to be suited. We were told they'd get back to us and let us know and I remember saying let us know ASAP so that we can arrange to get that day off work. Handed over some flyers and left it at that. Monday I get a phone call making sure we're still able to come on next Tuesday. Well of course I freak out over that, said that we had never confirmed that date and the caller said we had. I told them I'd see what I could do. So bottom line is we can't do that date as Erin can't get the day off work. She also agrees that we never confirmed the date and that someone was going to call us about it. So yeah, I feel bad about the whole thing because they now need to scramble to find something to fill in that time, but on the same token I know it's not my fault. Though I do feel bad. That's just me.

I'm also feeling a little guilty about moving OS. Not for anyone here, rather for Erin. Its going to mean that for a while we may have to have some time apart again. I'm not happy with that arrangement and neither is she, but there's not a lot we can do about it. She's just so scared about it and I think I'm mentally starting (even now) to prepare myself for that parting again, but she refuses point blank to even think about it. But knowing the sort of planning involved in this, it's something we need to think about now to make preparations. It's so hard.

Then comes the exhaustion. I do simply just feel tired all the time. Like I"m constantly on the go. Work is busy. Guides seems to be becoming more and more a burden and Kids on the Block is sort of stagnent in a busy kind of way. I'm trying to cram the gym in there, and when I don't get there, feel guitly about that as well.

Stressing about money. About family. About friends. About the future.

Classic candidate for a nervous breakdown, what do you think?! Lol, it's not that bad, its really just a whole bunch of stuff having a party in my head. It just all gets a bit too much sometimes and I can't turn the music down. I'm sure it'll all pan out fine.

The Marriage of Figaro is on Saturday night. I've never been to Opera before. Gosh I hope I like it!

A WICKED Night

2008-06-29T10:02:00.002+10:00

Finally the night to see Wicked arrived! And oh my GOSH!! It was totally wonderful and beat the expectations I had for it, simply it blew me away and soooo worth the wait.

It was a nice night, Dinner at Wagamamas, then a stop for Trampoline ice-cream (ohhh so yummy) then a cup of Starbucks and then to the theatre. I've never been to Regents Theatre before and inside was simply beautiful, such detail and grace and just -wow. Anyways, I wanted an Ozmopolitan (basically a green cocktail and in a green glowing glass, very cool!) but waited until interval because Erin said I should. So I did. But I was very excitable.

Bought a copy of the Programme and was happily reading away and I discovered that the Lead for Elphaba was actually one of the original cast members for We Will Rock You in London, how awesome is that?!! Anyways, we ended up with the understudy for Elphaba as I guess the first night would have been the lead. Anyways, she was brilliant. Just incredible and talented and amazing. The whole cast was. The whole show was.

Better still for the most part if kept relatively close to the book which is great. Yeah, wow, fantastic, so worth waiting like nearly two years to see it. In addition to that, I came to realise just how much I miss going to the Theatre. I really do. It almost reduced me to tears. Its an incredible thing. I miss Theatre, and I miss going often, but its just so expensive here!

Road Trippin

2008-06-25T08:58:00.002+10:00

I'm reading a book at the moment by Bill Bryson and it's called The Lost Continent. Basically its about his experiences road tripping across America. Having done a good deal of this myself, I can actually relate to a lot of what he writes. Its all quite humerous! However, the point I wanted to make was that America really is quite a diverse place and the country changes ever so quickly from state to state. I mean we're talking a matter of miles here. You can cross the boarder into a neighbouring state and it's like being in a brand new country. People change, buildings, roads, foods it's really incredible.

If any one of you reading this are thinking about going to America for a holiday, seriously, drive it. Okay you may not fit in many major cities if you're going East to West or West to East, but even then I suppose you won't catch that many going North to South or South to North... point being that you can really see what small town America is like. I've loved it and am looking forward to the next one in December. This one will start in Los Angeles, California and take me to Richmond, Kentucky, going via Vagas, El Paso, Dallas, Atlanta and so on and so forth. We're going across the South and I have to admit I'm really excited about it! Of course there will be Disneyland at the start of it (who can't get excited about that).

Yay!

Appriciation

2008-06-24T10:57:00.002+10:00

That's not true, I want to retract that comment. I have not lost myself. I just find myself in a work place where I no longer feel I am of any use to the people here. I feel that I can't help, I can't get any joy out of the job like I used to. This whole copier/stores thing has become a right pain. I work my ass off for these people, busting my butt to go above and beyond. But the second something goes wrong (usually through a third party and of no doing of my own) I'm the worst in the world and crap at my job. I'm tired of other people having a go at me because of things other people have done. When things go missing, or stop working or people don't show up -it's always my fault. People take it out on me and I am so over it. I just don't feel that I'm any good here any more.

At the moment my desktop background is a photo from my window at Pax Lodge. So it shows the front lawn, drive and road out onto the street. Its actually kind of nice. Most importantly though it reminds me of a time when I felt I was achieving something. I felt like the work and effort I put in was appriciated. Yes it was an office job and yes at times I just wanted to break out of the bubble, but people really honestly thanked me for the work I did for them. I'm not asking for certificates or parties or anything, but a simple thank you once in a while would be nice. It just seems that phrase is not in the vocab of people in this building.

No wonder I wanted to quite. I think deep down I still do.

Customer Service

2008-06-24T10:40:00.002+10:00

Or lack there of should be the title. It really pisses me off. I mean these days, seriously, no one really cares about giving good customer service and going above and beyond the call of duty. I've always been one of those people. If you're going to help someone, do it properly. Do our jobs well! Doreen would be proud. Anyways, it seems that there is a breed of non-customer friendly people. No one returns calls. No one wants to help even if you've spoken to someone else. They'd rather leave you hanging by a thread waiting and waiting and waiting for help. Our photocopier/printer/fax machine has been out since Thursday. The piece of crap and poor excuse of technology that it is seems to be more trouble than it's worth. However, the service call that was put in at 2pm on Thursday has still not been given and it's now 10L45am on Tuesday. Call after call I have made to no avail. Argh! And then there is the stationary company. Don't even start me on those dumbasses. Seriously. It just bugs the crap out of me. And then there are the new generation of admin staff in this building. Gone are the days of a Chris, or Jan or Zoe. Melanie and I are a dying breed in this place, we are the last of the old admin staff who actually gave a damn about their work, about the members we serve and the role we play.

However in thinking that, I realise that now days, I really hate my job. I can remember when I used to beam about it. I used to think I was worth something in this organisation, this squad this floor this building. But alas thats not the case. I find myself not caring. And it's because of other people which is a really bad thing because I never used to let other people influence my manner of thinking. But it's happened. Am I losing myself?

Beep Beep Beeeeep!

2008-06-23T08:11:00.003+10:00

No that's not a car horn. Nor a bee nor any other kinda of beetle having a psycho half hour. Of seconds, either way. I just couldn't think up a title for my post. I'm aiming to have a different one each time, we'll see how that goes. Eventually I'm sure I'll miss-mindedly (is that even a word?) use the same post title twice. I so need a life.

The weekend was relatively quiet. Which was good. Friday even I suffered the tail end of an old day and felt like I was about 100. Haven't felt like that in a very long time. It crippled me and I did not move. What resulted was a quiet weekend indeed, spent mainly at home minus the trip to a farmers market on Saturday morning. The arvo was spent doing Guide stuff and watching TV and playing cards. Very riviting stuff.

Also the was the onset of a relationship break up. Not my own, do not worry, though that's not without stresses, it's someone else. A good pal who is overseas and whose relationship has been going as long as my own. It's sad, but then I do not know everything and people split for their own reasons. Well, they're on a break, but I'm thinking the break might be a permanent arrangement. Which is sad. But it happens. Its just hard being of any use so very far away.

That will change in Feb no doubt. I'll be a lot closer to the life I want, well closer than I am here at least. In some ways.

Marking Time

2008-06-19T09:15:00.002+10:00

Compared to the last few days, I don't feel any worse. I have to admit I'm not sure I feel much better, but not worse and that's the good thing. Mind you, my body is SO sore right now it's not funny. A whole hour of PT at the gym last night and it was hard work man! That and I didn't sleep all that well and have woken up with a stiff neck. Maybe my chiro appointment this afternoon will help sort that our a little. He's pretty good is Roy, and funny too.

I made a decision about the whole cert IV in Small business management. I'm gonna pass. Not because I don't think I can do it (because at one point in my life that would have been the reason) rather I don't think the timing is right. I have a fair few expenses coming up in the next few months and I just sort of feel at this point in time the money can be better spent there. In saying that, where ever I settle next year (likely to be London) I can pick the course up via correspondence there which might be better in the long run. So I'm not saying no completely, just putting it off for a short while that's all.

Have found a new crime author I really enjoy reading and better still, there are no make out scenes in them! Argh that's one thing that really bugs me about some crime writers -the main character always has to get laid. I mean come on people its about crime and solving crimes! Anyways, Willian Kent Kruger or something along those lines, is the fellow I've stumbled upon simply because I liked the cover of his book Thunder Bay. Funnily enough I've found a few good books that way! But I like his style and pace and just how different it feels to read his books. Its a nice change I have to admit.

The television is a right pain in the butt at the moment. There is like NOTHING on TV. Though I am happy that they've finally put the new episodes of Numbers on again. It took them long enough! Because of the lack of entertainment on the box (when I've time and patience to watch it) I've started watching Friends. It was never a show a got into while it was all popular, in fact I never even watched an episode. However lately I've been catching a few when I get home from the gym and it's just kinda hooked me in. I love how mind numbing it is, yet funny at the same time. I am so like Joey. Seriously, I am. That's me. And I've taken up saying "how you doin". Dear me. That's all I need.

Ohh exciting times ahead today. It's pay day (not that it matters all that much) which means grocery shopping this evening and Noodle Box. Oh yay! Hold me back! The Excitement is just too much for me!