Feeling Not So Good

Yeah I feel a little off today. I'd much rather be back in bed and sleeping the day away. My tummy isn't happy, my zipper broke (again!), my ankles hurt, my head hurts and well I really just don't want to face the day. I'm rather sleepy.

Friday we went to the Dawn Service. There were a lot a lot of people there. Which is always a nice thing, especially seeing the kids knowing that the younger generations really do get in on the service and the respect it holds for our diggers. It brings a tear to my eye. Well the whole thing does really, I always get a little emotional there. It seems sad to think that'll be my last Dawn Service in Melbourne. I should imagine next year I'll be in London again. Not that that thought is a bad one mind.

Going to Guides has become pretty much a solo affair as Erin doesn't get home from work in tmie. Needless to say the open road, music and quiet tend to make my mind tick over. About London. About here. About my relationships with people. Wondering where life will take me. How life used to be. What I want to achieve. I dunno, there just has to me more to it all than this. More than Italian festivals. Going to work and the gym. Going to Guides. Surely there is more to life than this mundane routine that I find myself settling back into.

I'm complaining a lot today. It's not even Monday so really I've nothing to complain about. May is almost upon us. The time when I will begin the three month wait to see if I will hear about my greencard. Tomorrow boot camp starts. I am so gonna die of pain, I know it.

Its about time

See now that I know it's going to post, and after writing the one post like three times. It takes all the excitement and energy out of things. I can't even put into words how much that annoys me. So now I'm just going to dot point things. Well, as best as I can.

-I weighed in last night and beat 600 grams. Wohoo! Yours truly has lost 1.5kg! Yay!!

-Bootcamp starts next Wednesday. I have a snazzy t-shirt.

-This morning I rode in a lift with a killer. I think.

-After trying patiently (as if) for 40 minutes, I have kick ass seats for Wicked in June.

-Kids on the Block last night had issues. That's it. End of story.

How much does this post lack now? It has no real emotion or anything in it. I've just posted a list. How dull. How boring. How unlike me! Stupid, stupid, stupid. Ohh I have a new e-mail. Must go read.

For crying out loud

I've attempted to publish a post three times now and it's friggin not working! Argh! I write and I write and I write but nothing! Fails, Error! Argh!

Bugging Me

Yep you read that right, things are bugging me. Just little petty things. Like wanting something brand new which actually isn't all that different to something all ready in existance, just a few colour differences really. Like stupid things in regards to rubbish, and mail, and stores. Argh! Can you tell that my job is bugging me today? Seriously, sometimes I feel like I am working with a bunch of five year olds who want me to tie their shows and blow their noses. Grr.

We have a Kids on the Block show this evening which is pretty exciting, it's down in Lara and will be our third show. Not too bad all things considered. Rehursing last night went well and everything will be packed and ready to go this afternoon. After the gym. After the weigh in.

Both Kathy and Rebecca are in Canada at the moment. Addmittedly in two different parts, but they are still there. One from this country and one from across the river, NZ! Maggie is coming to visit in July. Rebecca will be here in May. Then I will leave in December. Lots of movement going on. Perhaps more people will come and visit before then.

You ought to see the sky today, it's all hazey and horrid. People this pollution in Beijing is bad, I think today we could give that city a run for its money.

Pangs of Sadness

Do no fret, I am not depressed. Well yes I am, hence I'm on an anti-depressant. What I mean though is that the title of this post should not set off alarm bells. It more describes momentary glimpses into my life. I'm not even sure I know how to explain it, all I can say is that I experienced a similar thing in the weeks leading up to my departure for Pax Lodge. I knew it would happen again knowing that this time I am going to leave for good, however I did not think it would start so soon.

There seems to be a lot of streams of sadness coming from people around me at the moment, its almost like I can feel their emotions. All the sad ones, bad ones, regretful ones. On the same token however, I also have my own pangs of sadness because of a comment or an action on my own part.

We had our house warming on Saturday afternoon. As one of our guests were leaving, one of these pangs crept up on me. Its almost like I can glimpse life here without me. Not in the same way I did some three years ago because back then I believed the world would fall apart without me in it, people here would not cope when I was gone. I think that's because I felt I held far too much responsibility. Since that time I have learned to see a value in myself and how much others really do think of me on a sentimental level. A large part of this awareness of myself all comes down to Erin's doing and I'm actually quite greatful for that. What I am getting at is, in these rare moments which I am sure will come more frequently as time passes, I can almost see a lost person, a person with that missing part or element that I can give them. I realise that I mean a lot more to people than I give myself credit for. I do not say that with a big head, I merely say it because deep down I think I do feel guilty for making them feel that way. Yet I also know that I can't stay where I am not happy, my happiness is not something I am willing to sacrifice for others.

On a lighter note, ha funny I should choose that, I weigh in again this week. After last weeks result I'm not feeling all that confident. I'm scared I've put on! Because I felt like I'd lost like a lot but it seems I'd only toned up a bit. Boot Camp starts next week and I am so going to die, it'll kill me. I am scared to see how horribly unfit I am, but on the same token I'm excited about it ending because I will know that come the end of the 8 weeks, I'll be able to do things I won't have been able to do when I began.

WTF??

OMG after all that effort I have been putting in, is everyone ready to see my huge weigth loss for the week?? Ready for it...... 600g! I mean why on earth would I do that to myself for a crappy 600g? 600 measily grams. . .

Hunger Pains

My stomach is talking to me. Its not happy I can tell you that. It hasn't been for a while, it wants to know what happened to pasta, and muffins. Garlic Bread and enchiladas. It's completely over salad of all varieties, tired of fruit and sick of having to digest things like kidney beans and bean sprouts. Ekk. It's telling me enough all ready.

To give you the background I went to the docs, she weighed me and I nearly died when I saw what the scales told me. It seems that nice and fit winter Pax Rachael faded into the memory of that very trip. So I went down to the gym, signed up for bootcamp, signed up for PT class and signed up for slim. Hence the change in diet. Last week I lost 2kg. I was pretty impressed with that, because it's losing and not a gain. This past 7 days I've been on a kilojoule controlled eating plan just to see if that will help. I will die if I walk in there and she tells me I have to keep going with it. No, I shouldn't say that because I've actually eaten food which tastes better than it sounds. I think its more the inconvenience of trying to keep fresh food, well, fresh. It's hard. And on the expensive side too.

However, if I go in there and have a further weight loss, I'll be happy. I know there are changes that need to be made if I am going to take this all very serious. Which I am. I've changed the amount of exercise I do, go to the gym a little more, changed what I eat and even talked about getting a push bike. I'm in this for the long haul man, I want to be back to my Pax Lodge size! Its going to take time. I know. It won't happen overnight, but it will happen.

What started this was that my tummy was grumbling for lunch. Mmmmm three bean salad...mmmm so looking forward to it. Not. I hate three been mix, its nasty. I like mushrooms and tomato and celery and cheese which is all good. I just, I dunno. What I wouldn't give for a chicken and avacado sandwich right now. No, how about a toasted cheese sandwich dripping with melted cheese. No! Chinese take away! Oh yes please!

Spending

Have done a little shopping today. No, not on a new laptop. I figure it seems to be tempremental as to what it wants to do now and as far as I am concerned, buying a new laptop just 8 months before I leave the country is stupid. I want to buy one in the country I settle, that ways I don't have to worry about adaptors and stuff. Ha, stuff, that's real technology minded.

So no, not a laptop. But shopping online for three things, two of which are the same (but not) and one which is very different to the other two. Right, the similar ones are Jeff Dunham DVDs, hence they are the same, but of different shows. Which makes them the same, but different. I was rather excited to find them on Amazon.com for the price they were at. Both combined plus postage is still cheaper than buying a copy from a store in the US. I'd try and price them here, but no one seems to even know who Jeff Dunahm is without even bringing Walter, Peanut and Achmed into it. Not to mention the Jalepenio on a stick.

The second item, well third, but second set even though it was the first thing I purchased. Well no because not even that is true because I've not yet paid for it. Anyways, Caro from Germany whom I worked with at Pax Lodge in London, has her own clothing/fashion line. What I've bought you can't actually wear. I guess it's like a cloth pencil case without a zip that kinda rolls up and you close it. I can't explain it really. I can't even think of a name for it. Regardless, I fell in love with it when she posted the photos like two weeks ago and have been hanging out for pay day so that I could purchase it. And I have. Kinda. And it's exciting!

This evening we have our second Kids on the Block show. A diversion from shopping, yes. Yet it's on my mind because I always get kinda nervous before a show and I get scared it won't go very well and I know we've got to be there by a certain time and all its going to take is us getting stuck in traffick and it's all over red rover! I'm being paranoid. I know.

On The Fritz

It would seem that my so called brilliant laptop is on the path to death and if it continues to play up, it'll get there a whole heap sooner! I dunno, maybe it was a bad buy from the beginning, I tend not to have a good deal of luck buying anything other than camera. No I shouldn't say that. To date my stereo, DVD and VHS have all continued to work with vallient effort. Its just annoying thats all, knowing that for the moment my internet access is limited to work hours. Which won't make too much of a difference when you think about the hours I write and check in! More than anything its just the inconvenience of not having access at home. You get used to it.

Thinking About Things

...that I cannot fix or change or even hope to find out about is doing nothing other than wasting my time! Seriously, I mean thinking about people I went to school with like six years ago is pointless. They've moved on, lived their life in various different ways. I can't sit here and wonder if theya re okay or if they survived the first few years after or even if they are alive at the moment. I've met too many people and crossed too many paths to be able to do that. Sadly they are but lost souls to me. Gone, not to return.

I'm not even sure why I started to think about that. I guess I was thinking about writing and about the people I was friends with when I started writing. Then I began to think about Riannon, or Carrigan, as she was known to me. I, her Casper, one day promised that I would dedicate my first book to her. Most people would have forgotten that promise, especially to someone they've not heard a bo-peep from since the day high school ended. But I do remember it. And I do wonder what happened to her. And Sheridan, and Amy and Rachel and Magenta. How is Carly doing now in married life. And Mel, what's it like to be a mother with another child on the way? The people who changed sexual preference, what made them do it? And those who went overseas, like myself, what were their stories?

I guess right now I am just thinking too much about things which I can't put good energy toward finding out the answers or the outcomes.

In thinking about those things, I think about myself now and how much I have changed in a vast number of ways. Looks, feelings, loves, hates. Goals and dreams. Career. I am so far from the person who graduated from high school that it's not funny. I'd like to be that physical size again though, I do admit that! However, I'm on the road to fixing that, and even a week into that aim to fix I feel a slight difference. And that's the main thing. I want to shift a crap load of weight and be back to my Pax Lodge Christmas weight. The thinnest I'd been in a long time. Mind you, the road to getting there wasn't the best one, that's for sure.

I miss Hampstead Heath. Oh gosh now I'm going to start gushing about all the things I miss about London, someone stop me before I do! Otherwise we could be sitting here all day! I would just endlessly type about buses and parks and shows and people and places . . . you get the idea.

Perhaps my issue right now is that I feel idle. I don't feel like I am going in any sort of direction, despite there being so much going on in life right now that it's not funny. I have to admit, I am a busy person trying to cram a whole lot in such a little time with little time to just chill and relax. But part of that lack of energy will soon be fixed no doubt. Or at least here is to hoping.

Rather random change of subject here, but there has been sucha fuss on TV about the Olympic Torch that I'm starting to wonder about the Beijing Games this year. I mean its kinda scary. I can understand why people are up in arms, but what if someone really targets China in that time? I mean there certianly is motive there. I was thinking about it this morning as I was eating my cornflakes and watching the early morning news and how they were talking about the torch location in San Fransisco being all secret for security reasons, and how they might just stop the world torch relay and take it right into China and leave it there until the games start. It is scary. I'd hate to be in the country while the games are on, I really would. I have that horrible sinking feeling that something dreadful is going to happen because of how much emotion is involved in the whole thing. And its understandable. It's just scary for all the innocent people who may become victims of such strong feelings.

I want to complain

Workers today just don't know what work is. Okay, I guess I am being role specific, company specific and just comparing myown workload in a role to the current workload in the same role. This is how it is. Before I was in my current role, I worked in the finance department in Accounts Payable/Receivable. Prior to my trip overseas I was also in that same role.

Ideally in the way the department was set up, we should have had four processors, a team leader and the Manager. However, because of the system restructure that was not the case. There was the manager, myself and on other processor, soon a second came on board close to my trip overseas. The three-four of us, while rather overworked, was able to manage the finance side of things in all circumstances for all Crime Department areas that as a whole we were accountable for. Then I went overseas. When I came back, we had a manager, a team leader and three processors. We still coped.

However, of late, the finance area (which I am now no longer a part of) has jumped to a manager, a team leader and what looks to be four processors. And yet, they are now palming off some of the processor responsibilities to people who sit in my role because the finance area feel to workload they have is too much. What the FUCK? I mean come on, you people have no idea what a workload is by comparison!!

And I don't understand why I should suddenly have to do their work for them. It's going to cause lots of problems further down the line because there is no open communication between finance and the people in my role. Thus the people in my role really have no idea what they are doing!! If finance are accountable for everything, then they should be doing everything and not getting mad at "us" when we get it wrong.

The whole thing just really pisses me off! I know, I probably haven't explained it really well and not explained everything for a large number of reasons, but I just needed to vent somewhere. Argh!!!

Home Away from Home

This morning was such an odd morning coming to work. It's the first day of daylight savings coming into winter, thus for the first time in a while there was enough light around to see the outside world. As I rode down St. Kilda Road on the number 64 tram, as I watched as the mist slithered through Domain Gardens, I spied many skeletal trees and dog walkers. I cam to realise that the scene I was seeing reminded me ever so much of London in the winter.

I have good days and bad days when it comes to being homesick for a city I lived a mere 14 months in as opposed to 22 years of my life. I can't explain it. I know of others who as well can understand this feeling, but can explain it no better than I can. There is something special about London. About the vibe and the life and the culture and the people. And indeed about the city itself. So sitting on the tram this morning I came to feel that today is a homesick day. They come around every once in a while and for the most part they pass without causing too much heartache. Still, what I wouldn't give to be back there again, if only for a moment.

Perhaps I should take up Astral Travel and have an out of body experience in London. That would work, while I sleep here in Australia, it would be daytime there. I could ride around on the buses, and walk along the Thames, chill out at the Tube stations and catch a glimpse of a film being made or a theatre show coming out. Watch as the leaves dance in the Heath and as the buskers entertain. I could watch a vivid and coloured patch-work life evolve and life and breath and beat and move.

Indeed, it is a homesick day.

Ideal World

I've started a little fan group on Facebook for me. Now don't get the wrong idea, I'm not all big headed and like attention drawn to myself. However, I do one day want to have a book published and thus consider myself to be an author of the future. I'd like to have a little fan base starting now, even if it is like ten years away and is only an article in a newspaper or magazine. Actually I've pretty much achieved that all ready so I have no choice but to move onto bigger and better things.

What I was wanting to get at is while in the process of posting up small bits and pieces of my writing works thus far spanning close to ten years, I realised that in the grand scheme of things I would be very happy to be able to sit anywhere I wished with my laptop and write until my heart was content. And while doing that, I would have my SLR camera by my side and be taking photos and be getting photo recognition as well. Things are peachy in my world, I mean really, how cool would that kind of life be?

Nancy has been putting cards together and giving them to little craft shops in and around Berea in Kentucky. Selling the cards mind you. Like I'm making money! Indeed it is only a few small dollars but it's proof that I can actually pull something like that off. I know I can take good, if not great, photos but I had never really considered making money out of it. Same as my writing. I do both because I enjoy it, because it can relax me and make me take a step back from this world and stand in the background and observe for a while. The best place to find inspiration if you ask me.

Then it would come down to where I would like. See in the big plan, the ultimate gain, I would like to spend 6-8 months in London and then 6-8 months in the USA. I'd get the best of both worlds and be in the various countries at various times of the year and be able to see all the seasons. I took some brilliant photos (if I do say so myself) in the fall in The Greak Smokey Mountains, and some awesome snow photos in Kentucky in January. But I also have some rather haunting photos of London in July and some almost bleak ones in March.

Pondering all this right here and right now really doesn't get me anywhere because my immeadiate future will all depend on if I get my greencard to enter the US as a resident. If not, then London will become home again. Point being I am leaving Australia at the end of the year. But so much is in limbo at the moment it's like driving me mad. I want the next few months to fly by and suddenly I want it to be August so I know what fate the American Immigration Department has handed me. That way I can start to make more concrete plans.

Chatting over Coffee

I feel like talking right now but that's one of the down sides of working at a reception desk. There isn't anyone else to talk to because I sit out here all alone. Now when I say talk, there is nothing really bothering me as such, I just feel like talking. Actually, what I would like to be doing is sitting in Starbucks sipping on a grande caremal macchiato and chatting away like I have all the time in the world. That too is the other down side of reception work -there is always something to do. Being the start of the month, there are additional things to do which suck because they're crappy jobs that take up more time than they are really worth. Oh wells.

Our PM is doing a lot of travel at the moment. This guy is going around the world shaking hands with people while all of us tax payers foot the bill. Its high time I went for PM, don't you think? Indeed I've done much travel in my time but I'd like to do some with someone else paying for me you know? And sure as hell Mr Rudd won't be flying cattle class, no sir.

For some time I have been meaning to scan lots of old photos and put them up on Facebook but I have not gotten around to it yet. I found a whole heap more I could put up the other day. My aunt and uncle were over going through all my photos for an idea they're doing for my grandparent's Christmas present and well I realised I have lots and lots and lots of photos -plenty of which are of people I have once again been put in contact with through the wonders of a social networking site. Don't you just love how technology works?! Anyways, I suddenly found I could add a few more albums to an all ready long list. I'm not real sure adding more is going to achieve anything. Just take up more of what little time I have.

This evening I'm going to the gym. I have my second PT session and my first slim session. It's probably all going to start at a great time considering I went to the doc's yesterday and she tells me I've gained a little weight. Just a little? Hell I'd like to go back to my Pax Lodge weight but that seems to be getting further and further away! I feel like it's just never going to happen. However, I'm not giving up that easily. I know there is lots to do, lots to shift but it can all be shifted by taking little steps to begin with.

I still want that coffee by the way. I'm trying to figure out a good excuse to go and get it. Mind you, Starbucks is in the CBD. Somehow I doubt I'll be able to pull that one off.

Done One

Its all rather exciting really. This coming July will see the second X-files movie launch onto the big screen and scare the crap out of us all. Maybe. But what's really exciting is all the build up to it. Once more the XF boards are alive and those of us who have been hanging on for years have finally been rewarded for our dedication. Now we must sit and wait until it hits screens because the plot is so hush hush that no one seems to know anything concrete.

The Facebook group I'm in practically exploded over the weekend with the official movie poster being released and lots of exciting things happening at PARLEY. Needless to say yours truely was out of action due to moving and has since missed all the exciting stuff via links because Twentieth Century Fox must employ people just to scan the net. Lots of footage and trailers only manage to stay up for a few hours before being taken down.

I lost a bit of time here in this blog. Its like keeping a real life journal, days can go by without actually writing anything. Unlike a real journal though, this one comes with much less guilt should you miss a few days.

The weather has been insane. Only a week ago we were sweltering. Now it's darn freezing and pouring with rain. Don't get me wrong, I know we need the rain, but still, it would be nice not to get wet. It poured on moving day. One of the removalists slipped and bruised his butt bone, that's so got to be hurting him right about now. They (the pair of them) were hilarious, and New Zealanders who kept saying "Got it Bro?" and "You right Bro?" and constantly amusing me with the way they spoke to each other. I can give you their number if you want fast, efficient and entertaining removalists.

It is just hair after all

This morning an odd thought occured to me. Okay, so maybe not perhaps a thought as such, more like an observation. Hair is such an odd thing. I mean, it's just there. Some people have long hair or blonde hair or grey hair or curly hair. In the grand scheme of things, it really doesn't do much other than hang.

Perhaps its my sudden release from having hair which makes me think this way. Today marked my first journey into work on the train since having my head shaved. Yes, while there is a week of growth up there, it's still a rather striking style to have. Despite all my efforts to become totally engrossed in my book (I suppose it's not all that brilliant after all) I could still feel people looking. And that is an odd feeling too. Even if you can't see people looking at you, sure as anything you can feel it. I wonder what their thoughts were? Some people at work were afraid to ask about the hair in case I was terminally ill or something.

So as I was sitting there, trying to read my book and trying not to feel people looking, I couldn't help my eyes wandering off the pages and just sort of looking at people's hair. Not their faces, their hair. I should imagine there were a few people who felt me looking! But as I was sitting there I came to realise it really has no purpose other than to help us with our vanity. I mean really it has more hazards than advantages when you think about it. Its not like it will help you with the washing, or drive the car for you, nor offer to pay your bills. It's just this coloured thing on your head. A sitting, hanging, swaying thing.

Ramblings

Its Saturday evening. I am sitting on the couch with my legs straight out tapping away on my laptop sitting here with The X-Files on in the background. Yep, I'm sitting here watching Unusual Suspects, the episode that explains how Mulder met The Lone Gunmen. Not something of major importance to most people out there, I mean for most people I could be talking jibberish for all they cared.

I feel like sitting and rambling only I'm not really sure what it is I want to talk about. I just got an e-mail from someone I used to go to school with who in the past year or so has started a relationship which seems to have started in a similar way to my own. Which is kinda nice to know that someone else out there might understand how I came to be at this point of my life. Three years ago I could have laughed at someone who had told me this would be how things turned out. I mean three years ago multiple people were laying bets that I'd go to the UK and meet some great british chap who would sweep me off my feet and marry me. Ha! how wrong they were! I mean even then I was a bit psycho, I was hooked on a guy I worked with and looking back I really have no idea why I was! It was such a wrong thing for me to do, I keep telling myself that it must have been my hormones. That or it was some midlife crisis that had showed itself a hell of a lot earlier than it should have!

Anyways, I am happy, which is nice.

My hair is starting to grow back a lot quicker than I thought it would. It's nice and springy now, though I should think it's growth process would slow down a little.

I have a Personal Trainer class on Wednesday night which is a bit of a scary thing because I'm likely to get my butt kicked and have it pointed out to me just how unfit I actually am. And this is something that I pay for. Just what kind of person signs up for a gym? Okay, a person like me who knows she's a bit on the chubby side and little less fit than she was two years ago. I'd like to make some major changes in my appearence, but I know that these things take time.

So, does anyone have a watch?

Bowling, Burgers and Back Pain

Disco Bowling is one of the most annoying things only when the staff can't decided if they want all the overhead normal lights on, or if they want to dip the place in darkness only lit up by glowing bowling balls and swinging lights. Its enough to make anyone seasick I tell you. But how does a score of 119 match in the overall feel of the sport? I mean, do I suck so bad that I shouldn't publish that score? Or is that pretty good considering I was bowling on an empty stomach and had just come from the chiropractor?

Needless to say it can't be any worse than chowing down on Hungry Jacks (Burger King) at around 11pm at night.

Since it's Good Friday today, I did my best to avoid watching the Good Friday Appeal on the TV. I'm such an emotional person when it comes to kids, I always end up crying. So since we are moving this week, there is no time like the present to start moving all the stuff not being looked after by the moving van. In other words, everything aside from all the big furniture. Needless to say some three hours later my back was aching like you would believe. I have never in my life felt back pain like that. Never.

And they expect me to go to body combat tomorrow morning? Ha, chance would be a fine thing.

Typical

It erks me to no end to know that suddenly the Landlord has taken an interest in the property that he owns, enough to come and cut back all the threes, look after the drive way and make the general look of the four apartments far more appealing to the eye. Having been in the place 11 months and become increasingly aware of all the faults with it, I'm now wondering if potential renters know that they are in for.

Yep, I came home from work last night to see the place all spick and span. Funny what the onset of new interest can spark. Now all he has to do is get all the taps to work, fly screens on all the windows, all the doors square, the roof repairs, the possoms gone, the carpet replaced and the floor evened out and it'll be somewhat more livable for the next tennant. Remind me in the future to make a good look over the places I see and not settle for something that I think can be easily lived in. A note to all renters out there: Look a hell of a lot closer than you think you need to!

At least the new place seems far grander. We went over to complete the inspection report and looked a lot closer and it all seems brilliant. All the doors open, there are no crawling things in the walls (not that there is room considering it's double brick), the floors are even, the carpet is in near new condition, all the taps work, all the fly screens are on all the windowns, no major holes and guess what? It's a bit cheaper too!

Better still its just a short walk to a store which sells both American and British food products of the sweet nature. How perfect!

Oh So Tired

Surely I've been awake long enough for my body to be awake now right? No, certainly not. Over two hours since getting out of bed and I am still yawning and yawning and yawning. And I feel really, really tired. Which is quite hilarious in its own way because I've managed to be yawning as people are coming through the door and have kinda scared them!

My experiences with no hair thus far haven't been as traumatic as I feared they may. But then in the grand scheme of things I've not really been out in the public eye. Right now I sit in the hiding hole that is my reception desk and I drove in today and well, it was the weekend so I was able to limit who saw me. Tomorrow will be the test. I'm loving not having to wash my hair, showers are nice and short and well, it's like build in Air Con!

Aside from that nothing major is going on really. Well no I should rephrase that because in the building excitement to shavign my head, we had our first Kids on the Block puppet show down in Corio which went really, really well! It was very exciting because the kids responded well, we got another booking out of it and perhaps may have picked up another puppeteer!

Then on Friday we also picked up the key to our new apartment which is soooo much cooler than the one we are currently in. So moving is actually something to really look forward to which makes a nice change.

I Have, I did -It's Done!

Almost three hours into my life without hair and what the best description I can give you? Well driving along with the window down feels like that tingling sensation you get in your leg after you know that you've got pins and needles and the blood is starting to come back into that area of your body. I can tell you now it's one weirdly amazing feeling!

I woke up feeling fine all things considered. Poor Erin I think was freaking out far more than I was, infact she was the one chanting oddly "Oh my gosh you're going to lose your hair". And I was just sort of brushing her comments aside and laughing.

It began with a lovely and utterly sinful yet delicious breakfast in Ackland Street. From there we walked back to Luna Park, met up with my aunt and uncle and then they decided to show some support, along with Erin, and get their hair spray painted. It was great! Took lots of photos of this, then we walked into Luna Park. There were a lot of people around, it's a hot summers day and there are lots of kids parties going on.

Suddenly the shave stand was before us and as soon as they twigged I was shaving my head, I started to draw a crowd. I'm serious, I think I was the first female to shave my hair thus far that day at that location. And so I sign in, hand my bag to the waiting fans of camera's and video camera and phones and microphones and found my way to the thorne where by I would lose my hair.

To be honest, I think having a big crowd kinda egged me on, I didn't at all feel nervous or scared. If anything I was sweating horribly but because of the heat and nothing else. Suddenly the clippers were being set up and I went for a '0' and away she went, shaving and shaving and shaving...about five minutes later it was all over and done with. As soon as she started to remove the bulk of my hair, I began to feel nice and cool! I mean seriously, who needs aircon?!

Alas I sit here now, closer to three hours later having driven my car, sat in a public cafe with my bald head speaking to the world and having had my first shower. I can tell you, it's hard to break the habit of the routine of showering! No need to touch the hair or rub shampoo into it or wring it out at the end. It's all done for you!

For the most part I find myself forgetting I don't have hair. Until I look in the mirror or a window that it.

Losing It

Two words which can be taken in so many vastly different ways! Mostly rather turbulent which seems almost fitting considering how I feel right now knowing that in 30 hours from now I will have a bald head. The hair that I so tediously blow dried and straightened this morning will be long gone and will not be like this for some time. In fact, there is a possibility it may never be like this again. But that's my choice to make.

On the way to work this morning (I drove), I found myself deep in thought. When you consider the time of morning I drive to work and the volume of traffic that is around on a normal day (right now the F1 Grand Prix is in Melbourne right behind where I work!) then you know that's probably not really a safe situation. Alas I made it in one piece and so did my car.

What got me thinking was about shaving my head and why and who for. In my thinking I came to really understand that cancer is something that can have an impact on all of us, be it an immediate one or one that strikes somewhere along the domino effect that surges out from a cancer sufferer. Initially what prompted me to do this was my grandmother's death right before Christmas last year. Her battle with pancreatic cancer ended up too much for her body and seeing her in her last few days I feel that at least now she is no longer suffering the pain, nor the loss of dignity in front of her family. Nonna Anna was a very proud woman and I know that should she have been in her normal mind set, she would have hated for us to see her that way.

Then I thought more about other people in my life who have battled with some form of cancer over the years. Rosy whom I have known for a large chunk of my life had Hodgkinsons Lymphoma. Mrs Roberts who was one of my favourite teachers in high school battled with Breast Cancer. Leaving this country and moving to others there was my wonderful host mother Donna in Vancouver who showed the love and care towards me and my companions like she would give to people she'd known her whole life. Sadly Donna has passed away. While in England I visited some long time family friends who I'd met previously many, many years before. Dear Floss lost her battle with cancer late last year.

The one thing that all these women had/have in common was/is their passion for life and learning and teaching and family. Somewhere in their strong selves they found an inner strength that most people never really have to draw on and a part of that is knowing that death may be coming for you. The strength to ask for help. The need for love and care. But most amazingly the strength to inspire others. They've left a mark on my life which will always be there for one reason or another.

None of them had a choice when it came to cancer. Most of them lost their hair because of the chemo, there was no choice to be made. For the most part I am fit and healthy and I feel that by doing this I can support them or help to support those who suffer in the future.

Yes I am scared. I'll admit it, I woke up this morning not wanting to get out of bed knowing that this would be my last full day with hair. But I also know that it will grow back. I'm not a vain person, but I am pretty attached to my locks. However, the fear I hold now must be nothing compared to the fear that all those women (and many more people around the world) must face on a daily basis. If by choice I chose to be scared, then I know in my heart of hearts I am doing something good and something to be proud of. I am making the statement that I do care and that I do want to make a difference.

At the start of all this I dedicated this brave shave to the life and memory of my dear Nonna, today I made the dedication to all of those who have touched my life and have had to go through a battle with cancer. I am proud of you and your strength. And by doing this I really do hope that somehow I can make a difference, even if it is just a small one -it is something.

Life is nothing without hope and hope is nothing without life.

Not quite, but almost

Right now I feel kinda quiet. Wanting to withdraw and be kind of quiet while sitting at a reception desk doesn't quite work out all that well. You have to be alert, have to answer the phone and speak to people plus deal with anyone that comes up to your desk. It happens, I know, it's a part of the job but not conducive to my mood.

Why quiet? To be honest I'm really not that sure. The rational part of me knows that it's just the calm before the storm as the next few days promises to be pretty full on. In a lot of different ways and will require a lot of different emotions to surface, either in the public or in the privacy of my own home. But that other part of me that is not rational thinks that maybe there is something else going on in that tiny little brain of mind. Turning things over. Either that or I have had far too much caffine and for some odd reason it's decided to have the reverse effect on me.

There is just one full day that separates me from losing my hair. Perhaps that has lulled me. Perhaps its knowing that today is pay day but regardless I'm as poor as I was yesterday. Oddly life will do that to a person. The cost of living, eh? Or even it's just knowing that as I sit in this stuffy office, it's an awful lot more hot outside! If figure if I sit here and be all quiet like, no one will ask me to go outside and do anything for them. Not that they usually do, but knowing my luck today would be the day that they start.

In A Heartbeat

Ah yes, those three words that riddled me throughout the month of November 07. The adventure that was NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writers Month) for the first time ever. It's not that particular experience I want to talk about, though I really did enjoy the challenge of it. What I do want to look at is: Where to from here?

I've got a complete story which is in the process of going through a second writing. I've had my chief editor (!) read over the piece and tell me any thoughts, opinions, changes etc. There are things to fix, I know that, I knew that when I read it in it's complete form for the first time. However, if I do say so myself, its rather brilliant for a first draft. Which is exactly why I'm bringing this up. It's just that, a first draft.

Many years ago, and some of my high school friends will no doubt remember this, I embarked on the journey to become a writer. Back then I merely wanted to publish something and I think right back in the very beginning I wanted it to have something to do with The X-Files. Admittedly I have since grown past that phase of my life to the point where I still love the show, but it's not all I live and breathe. Certainly it's not all I write about now days.

Point being is that back a little while ago, though not back as far as my obsession days, I made a promise to myself that I would have something published by the time I was 30. I'm not doing too bad in the grand scheme of things, I've had a few articles published in local publications, a little bit of fame on fanfiction.net (though obsession related) and I found a new audience in the session participants who visited us at Pax Lodge over two summers. There I re-found my artistic flare to write and began to enjoy the art again.

Thus, I'm talking about In A Heartbeat. When I came up with the idea to write it . . . wait I really should not say that because the original notions for my NaNoWriMo project were for it to contain a character who was pushy called Cassandra and it had to have a lighthouse in it and a scene on an airplane. Yep, that's what I went into 30 days of hardcore writing with. I pulled it off though which is some comfort. However, what I was trying to get at was I didn't think I would produce something that I would like so much, and would work so well, that I would consider using it as a chance to have published. In all honesty, I expected that month of writing to be pretty useless because I really did have no idea as to where I was going with it.

Sitting back now, I know that it did go somewhere and it did work out quite well. In a conversation with a friend from Armenia last night, I realised that I did want to really give this publishing lark a go. Only if I am going to use In A Heartbeat I will most likely have the most success in London as that is where it is mostly based and the main point of the story occurs around the time of the London Underground bombings in the summer of 2005.

Night Noises

This will be the thing now, I know I have a place to come and write and will want to write about all sorts of random things at all sorts of times of day. Like I need another distraction at work, as if I don't spend enough time on Facebook! Wait, let me put it this way. I do work. But I also think the temptation of having internet access all day is just a little too much for me.

At the moment, the house is silent. Aside from the small humming of my laptop and my tap-tap tapping on the keys. I vaugely remember being up at all hours of the morning one night writing. Ahh yes, I was staying at a friends place and was typing away at about 3am in the morning. It was a classic writers pose. The house was dark aside from the small lamp on the table next to me. There were papers spread on the desk and a low smoke was hanging in the air. This was back in my indulging days. Not so much any more. But I was there, hunched over the keys tap-tap tapping back then struggling to breathe. That's not the case this evening. I can breath quite well. And that will improve, according to Roy my chiro.

There is this one thing he does that always kinda weirds me out in the sense I am scared that my neck is going to break! I mean he assured me that the odds are like a gabillion to one of that happening, but its just that kneejerk reaction you know? I do feel a lot better for it though, my back doesn't ache as much and I do feel that my posture has improved a hell of a lot. I am so glad of that, there are times I feel like the hunchback of Notre Dame.

Starting at the Beginning

Well it's now official -I have a blog. What made me start one you ask? Well multiple reasons really. Mainly because I do keep a journal which I have not put pen to paper in since May last year. Yes, nearly a whole year. That's pretty bad on my part. I want to be able to track my life as best I can so maybe it's time to convert that tracking to an electronic version.

Also because I know a lot is going to happen in the next year or so. Much promises to change, once again, and from what I can see it's all for the better. It always is, right? I know that the time will come when I will once more depart the land of Australia and not return for some time. So for those I will leave behind, this will be a place to let them know what is going on without clogging up their e-mail accounts with endless tales and words and lines and paragraphs.

It then is also a way to let friends I have now pass on into what was. I've experienced enough thus far in life to know that friends come and go for various reasons. There is nothing wrong nor sad about about. Or at least that's how I feel now looking back. I'm very much a thinker, a reflector when it comes to past happenings. There are many, many past happenings I will no doubt reflect on. However, not all of those will make an appearance today.

I guess the most significant thing to happen in days to come will be my decision to shave my head for the Leukaemia Foundation. That happens on Saturday. Just four days from now. Its scary to be honest because I'm not really sure what I am letting myself in for. I have a lot of hang ups about myself, how I look and how I act. This will only open myself up to more riddicule (in my own mind) but I think I am ready for that. I've been facing a lot of demons this past year, coming to understand and accept myself a lot more. I also think I've come to like myself a lot more too! Which has to be a good thing.

Today I will start my blogging journey and see how far into the future it will take me. Who knows, ten years from now I still may be doing this. But knowing the rate that technology grows these days, I'm sure the blog will have been long replaced by then.