That's Twisted

No big news yet! Let's just get that out now. Still, there are a couple of days left of the week so I shouldn't rule it out yet. However, another curious thing has happened this week which I hadn't expected and isn't entirely a bad thing. I've started to write again. I'm not even sure what set it off to be honest, but it was almost like I woke up, and it was there. The urge. That idea. Can I tell you how great it felt yesterday (one of the many instances I've had) to pick up a pen and just write, to have the words flow out and fill half a page in no time. I didn't even know what I was writing about, I just wrote it. And it's not half bad for a mostly unconscious effort!

I've a couple of small choices to make this week, nothing hugely dramatic, but I think I have them sorted out. And peacefully so. Which I'm glad of. And one I am a bit excited about. No, I'm not going away anywhere, unfortunately! Though I really would like to.

Guides this week and next week sees me at the steering wheel. We're going to do the Australian Challenge which I've got to be honest, isn't really all that Australian. I mean bits of it are, and in occar form. Anyway, I'm looking forward to it. I'm enjoying being with an active unit again, though the timing is bad because summer is not far off starting and there will be a huge break! Just as I was starting to get the hang of some of the kids names! The end of term will be a Decades Night, for the Centenary, and each patrol is taking a decade and running an activity. Some are going all out and dressing up big time!! Others not so much.

Yesterday I ventured into the Croydon Library and signed up for a Library card. Only took me a year. Ha ha ha, no point rushing into these things. Initially I was excited by all the wonderful books I could borrow, but I have to admit to leaving feeling somewhat dismal and disheartened by the collection they have there. Seriously, it leaves a lot to be desired for. Unless that's a reflection of the community which is both unsurprising and surprising considering it is a student town.

Great Expectations

There is something in the air today. I'm not really sure what it is. Sure, probably the usual mix of pollution, garbage and onions which by chance seems to be the vegetable fragrance of choice around here of late. I'm not sure why that is. However, there is also something else. A sense of knowing I think. No. A sense of expectation, like big things are going to happen.

True, this could come in any great shape or form. I dare not hold my breath in the hope of news of the visa coming through. I think that might be expecting just a tad too much. But it's something else. It's something big. Seriously, I have this sense of awe and excitement much like I had getting on the plant to fly to Pax Lodge a couple of years ago. Minus the fear of course. Heck, I had no idea what I'd let myself in for then!

Quite simply, I can't shake it. As a result I've been in an unusually good mood today. No, scrub that. Not a good mood, a positive mood. Nothing has bummed me out. Not my laundry, not my dishes, not even cleaning the hair from the shower drain. Oh come on, hair falls out when you shower! And seriously, I don't scoop it all out after every single wash. You don't either, so don't judge me! However, we're not talking about my cleaning habits. We were talking about great expectations.

Thus I put it to fate now, this week better be a promising one! I expect it to be! I expect a big piece of good news, got that?! I'm just not sure what it is. Actually I feel for certain it's not the visa. I think it's job related, be it my current employment of maybe the prospect of future employment? Yes, it's job driven. Or related. Ohh maybe someone I work with has good news. Ohh maybe there's a baby on the way! Or someone is getting married. Or a raise Or . . .hmmm that one I can't announce to the world as it's not mine to announce. But that's a thought . . .

Oh wow, now I am excited!! I even think I am looking forward to going t work tomorrow!

Blah Blah Blah

It's a month until my 26th Birthday! I'm entirely sure why I have an ! at the end of that line. Admittedly I'm not all that excited about it. I've been far too concerned thinking about how quickly (in some ways) time has been moving along and how quickly I will be 30 soon. I think I'm having a midlife crisis. Or mid twenties crisis.

I'm in a weird mood. I actually feel like company this evening. Which is odd because usually at the end of a day at work with so many people coming and going, the last thing I want to have to deal with is entertaining guests. Eh. It'll pass no doubt. Lately my emotions are like the seasons. Too many in a day!

The day started with me looking at people and hearing nothing but that noise the adults make in the Charlie Brown cartoons. Seriously! And the brain has been so slow to process things today, I feel like the computer at work. Always slow to process. As the day went on, I was excited and mused by a few different things. Then I went to Mothercare which opened a whole can or worms I'd rather not go into at the moment. And now, well, I just am. Right here in this moment. A lull. Something exciting needs to happen people!!

The Waiting Game

I've always considered myself to be a patient person. Depending on the circumstance, some would say I have the patience of a saint. I on the other hand know there are times when quite frankly my patience fails me and all I feel like doing is slamming someones head into a wall. Oh come on, this should not come as any shock, I am a redhead after all!! Besides, you can't tell me you've not had one of those moments. Ever. Circumstances, I know, I know.

My patience right now is pushing the limit, though much different to anything I've experienced before. We've now entered into week five of waiting for news on Erin's Visa. I know the reality is that I need to pace myself, there still could be a few weeks of this to go, but somehow it's managed to creep up on me without my knowing it. I spent most of Monday unable to focus on anything. The coin finally dropped this evening as I was walking home as to what is causing all this unrest, this fidgeting, this lack of attention. Indeed, what has caused the onset of my anxiety attacks to return.

Yes thats right. For those of you who didn't know, I suffered from them upon my return to Australia a few years ago. With thanks to a supportive friend, a great therapist and eventually some medication, I got them under control and eventually they were gone. I should have seen the signs really. I had a small one a week back. But at the time I'd just put it down to being tired. Indeed stressing out about things. It was the one which crept up on me walking home this evening that made me understand that somehow, some way, everything that I am feeling (or not at times) is because I am waiting.

It sounds stupid I know, and the easiest thing in the world to say that I should just get on with it and wait and see what happens and sort of plan some damage control for either outcome. Have a back up plan. Have something ready. And indeed I did do that. Have done that. But there are factors and outcomes involved in all this which not everyone is aware of and may never be unless they need to. Which is fine, that's my right. I remain, as always, a private person in certain matters. Its just that, I have moments where I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a river and the water is rushing by all around me. I watch people come and go and plan and laugh and all the things which come together when living life. I'm just there. Waiting. Waiting for the bus that never seems to come when you've got some place to be.

For what it's worth, I've probably been ignorant enough until recent months to this feeling. The reality is for Erin that's something she's been dealing with for some time having put an education on hold in the hopes of having her personal life sorted. And to a degree, maybe I knew that and maybe I was aware that I myself was doing that too. I just didn't expect it to all come shouting at me all at once. I find myself wanting to check e-mail every 5 minutes. Check my phone. Check anything which might indicate to me what is going to happen today. Tomorrow. Next week or god forbid, next month.

I wish I were like people who lost weight when under pressure. Clearly I am not. I unfortunately was blessed with the curse of eating my emotions. Or drinking. Or smoking, though that one not so much any more. I constantly feel like an addict must feel waiting for that next hit. I'm jittery. I can't seem to focus too much. I seem to have this energy which needs to get out but somehow manifests not into the desire to take a walk (or laughably so, a run) rather I've realised it holds me prisoner. In a room. In a building. In a mindset which can think of nothing else and it's driving me mad! Gah!

A-hem. I'll calm myself. Its times like this I wish it were November and I could bury myself into the need to finish NaNo. And trust me, I've tried to fool myself into thinking it's the perfect time to write, to explore and expand the world of past, present and new characters. But when it comes to sitting down, hands poised over the key board all I get is that stupid blinking cursor sitting on the word document before me. And then I lose focus.

Thus it becomes a vicious circle. Dearest Immigration Visa Person, where ever you are, please, please, PLEASE hurry up and make your mind up. On the flip side, knowing also scares me. I can't win either way.

The Road to Plymouth

I'm not actually going to take the metaphorical approach to that one! Basically, I need a break, albeit a cheap but effective one. I've been asked a few times now why I chose Plymouth. Pretty much I looked at my UK map, chose somewhere in Britain I'd not been to yet, was far away and cheap enough to get to. And here I am!

The idea of a 5h 20m coach journey might seem like a nightmare. True, I ended up with a stranger next to me who stunk to high heaven of airplane (you know that stale air smell, and admittedly she did get on at Heathrow and admittedly she said she'd been on a plane all night . . .). True the bloke behind me never once got off his phone. True, for a multitude of reasons the journey became close to 7 hours. But frankly, it didn't matter. As strange as it sounds, the further we drove from London, I could almost feel myself relax. Put everything out of my mind and just enjoy the scenery, the brilliant tunes on my iPod and consider that the only thing which would improve the trip was if I was actually driving. And somehow I don't think Dave would be okay with that. Mind you, by the time we got here he may have been willing!

When I chose a weekend to take off, it didn't occur to me to check for a Bank Holiday. And then when I chose Plymouth, it didn't occur to me to check for the annual Plymouth Mini Marathon . . .but oh wells!! Point being, the traffic today was chaos. Combined with road work (which there seem to be a hell of a lot of!) we were all ready behind in time before we got to Bristol. By the time we got to Sedgecombe, we were so far behind that we had to stop because Dave the driver had to take his mandatory 45 minute break. Frankly I didn't care. I was enjoying the trip! The scenery was stunning and it was a glorious day! Sunshine and blue skies.

The coach's final destination was Penzance, and the irony was not lost on me when Captain Jack Sparrow boarded. I'm serious!! Though I was disappointed when he alighted here in Plymouth. Speaking of which, there's a WalkAbout here! I've found my entertainment for tomorrow night! Anyways, along the road I spotted deer, a hawk and a dinosaur. Driving through Bristol I saw a group of guys in women's bathing suits. Armed with cans of beer. No doubt they'll have had an interesting evening!

Plymouth was lovely when I got here. Seaside!! It has been a stunning evening and I've just sort of relaxed and enjoyed a TV! I found my way from the bus station to West Hoe with little or no direction or help, just the memory of a birds eye view map of the area! I came to the Guest House/B&B I'm staying at where I was greeted by the husband of the couple who own the place. He's Spanish and introduced himself with his Spanish name and seeing my concern at being able to pronounce it properly, he declared that I could just call him Justin! I'm staying on the second floor in room number 7. Its my own room, has a shower and sink it in and the toilet is out on the landing. I quite like it. And the bed is comfy and I have a TV, lol. So it really is a holiday!! For those of you who don't get that, I don't have a TV at home and haven't for over 12 months now.

Anyways, I unpacked everything and then went out for a walk to a local store and purchased a few bits and pieces in terms of food and snack type stuff for the next few days. I then stopped at a fish and chip shop and got my dinner, then went and sat on the seaside and ate it. Literally, it's like a 2 minute walk from here, if that. We actually have a roof top garden here and the view is very cool! I am thinking I may go sit out there at some stage over the next few days and do a little reading. Maybe Sunday evening.

Still Waters

Oh my goodness, was that Summer who dropped by today?! At long last it seems some full on sunshine and heat has arrived. And a descent temperature showed up as well, clouds vanished and the streets were empty. Everyone was too busy stripping off and laying in the park!! I can only assume this mind you as I didn't wander very far from my flat today, but that seems to be the trend here. A little sunshine equals a lot of skin. I'm not going to get into that argument because my point always seems to be lost! I must learn to argue it better. Perhaps one day I will. That day though, is not today.

Today was better than yesterday. Simply because I was left up to my own devices which is always an added bonus. In saying that it was filled with domestic duties. Thus it frees up tomorrow for a much more impending task at hand, and one that has been continuing since the middle of Feb. Though that in itself seems to be an echo of words I muttered this time last year. Its fate puking itself up again no doubt, trying to teach me a lesson I missed the first time. Well newsflash: I missed it again because I'm in almost the exact same position!! Almost. At least this year I have a job. Which doesn't say a lot really, and not that I am ungrateful or anything, I just know next time I ought to think things through a little bit. There are so many aspects of that problem I could have done without, I promise you.

Right now things feel a bit like a calm lake, right before the monster comes out and grabs you. I'm tempted to just jump in and cause a splash and make rippled. But its also scary too. I actually hate this feeling because I don't know what's next. I should have seen it all coming really, jamming myself in between a rock and a hard place.

I'm not really sure I'm saying anything at all, just writing words for the hell of it. I've not made any sense of anything, though perhaps if you've made sense of it, you're one up on me!! Its getting on in the evening. I was awake into the early hours of this morning, and kind of dozed a little earlier this evening which I should have guessed would have been a bad mistake. Will make sleeping this evening and interesting task to say the least.

Along the Edge

Its been incredibly hard of late to put into words what it is I've been feeling and will continue to feel for some time yet. Late this afternoon I took a nanna nap. Yes, laugh, but that's not where I was wanting to take this!! During this nap, I dreamed a vivid dream unlike any I've had for a very long time. Scope wise, it felt like I was watching a movie at IMAX, on a massive screen in 3D motion.

I found myself walking along a high clifftop, right along the edge, arms spread either side of me to help me hold my balance. To my right spread the ground with trees and grass and roads and buildings. An elaborate canvas of colour and life, with birds and cows. Long grass, short grass. An abundance of stability and foundation, in a representation of all that is routine and solid. A person could run and laugh, dance and sing. The sun shone. It was perfect. Yes, solid is the right word.

When I looked to my left there was nothing. A vast expanse of space as the ground gave way to what could only be described as a canyon. The feeling as I looked out was much like the one I had standing on the edge of the Grand Canyon, only bigger. I couldn't see the bottom. There were thin clouds and moisture. A great opening of soundless air and chills waiting to swallow me whole. If I fell I would fall slowly, arms waving frantically and my face filled with fear.

And yet the duration of this dream I walked that fine line in between. Right along the edge. Constantly looking from left to right and right to left. The edge continued in front of me for as far as the eye could see. When I woke, I realised that is what I felt. Its what I feel. Like everything right now is a delicate balance and until my footing fails me and I fall either way, I must continue straight ahead being taunted and teased by each possibility but never knowing which way will end up being my fate.

Life has become heavy. I feel that for the first time in my life that if I had a remote control, I would not fast forward nor pause, rather I would rewind. Now, let me say this firmly and with certainty: I am not wanting to move back to Australia and I am not regretting the move. But what I crave is a life which at one point felt complicated but in hindsight I know really wasn't. Not truly. To pause life as it is right now is to be stuck in a void of nothingness, nothing beyond simply existing. Fast Forward would mean knowing what fate had planned out for me, it would have the answer I am terrified to have, yet crave like a drug addiction. Thus my only option for grounding is rewind. To go back to a time where by comparison I felt happy. I felt secure. I did not feel scared. As a person who is constantly told how strong I am, how mature I am, how much I am admired for having guts and daring -I really am not that person. For what feels like the first time in my life I am terrified of so many, many things.

Mindless Stuff

I wonder why it is you cannot cut your own hair? I mean, you clearly can. Just pick up a pair of scissors and snip away. Chances are the outcome won't be ideal, but you could do it. Its just that I'm in dire need of a cut. Its bad. And so I was thinking this morning as I was brushing my teeth, about how I could cut it myself and keep it somewhat presentable. Yes, I'm stingy and cheap I know, but I'm on a budget!! So my little mathematical brain was trying to think about angle and cut and well, it just didn't work out for me. Tips anyone?

Then on the way to work this morning I started to think about sunglasses. You see, its been bright enough of late that I've needed a pair because the daylight is hurting my eyes. I mean, bright sunlight. Yes, we do indeed get some here! Point being that on Saturday on my way home I went and got a pair (yes on a budget, tis my middle name!) and well, I'm happy with them. Which is good. And rare. So I wore them home which is fine. But I also had them on this morning as it was bright and sunny out. And it struck me that I was the only person I could see who was wearing them. I felt a little bit odd. Actually if I am honest, I felt really daft!! I was just suddenly aware that I was like the people who wear sunglasses in shopping centres. Anyways, I began to wonder if I was the only person who was like that. Are my eyes really that sensitive?

You might wonder about the significance of these to rather mundane and pointless pondering. Its simple. For me its a sign my brain is starting to function again. There are times that it becomes so stagnant that there are no thoughts in there at all. Its empty. Hollow. Like a giant hall you can make footsteps echo in. Yet when I start to have these thoughts, for me its a sign that the cogs are beginning to turn again. Usually this doesn't happen until October, right before I am gearing up for NaNoWriMo. Right before I'm trying to think of something to write about, like my body is expecting that to happen. So I'm curious, what might this mean now?

Sunshine Days

There is something brilliant about the colour which surrounds you in spring. Flowers start to bloom. Trees once more look healthy, grass is green and much more blue sky appears. When you add sunshine into the equation, what emerges is this canvas of bright and vibrant colour. Greens and pinks and blues and all sorts. Its really quite a glorious thing to see. Somehow it always manages to lift your spirits.

Goodness knows I need it. Genuine smiles these days are few and far between. All things considered, its a wonder I smile at all. But I do. That's one of the worst things about my job. No matter how I feel inside, you just have to keep smiling. Keep making people believe all is well and good. I sometimes wonder if thats why I find myself being so tired. Goodness knows my sleep patterns have been all over the place, but maybe its the sheer energy it takes to wear that face all day . . .true, some days I just can't quite do it.

A lot is going to happen. Six weeks from now life could be a very different thing. There is a fork in the road ahead and I'm driving about 100 miles an hour to get there. And I won't know I've hit it until I literally do. That's the scary part. I can plan and anticipate either outcome, but until it arrives no amount of prediction is going to help me deal with the reality of it. Sounds all rather dramatic I know, however the truth of the matter it really is. For me. For the people involved. What scares me is the distinct lack of support I have here. Emotionally. I really don't feel I have anyone to go to, not without it being weird or awkward. Likely on my part, but that's me!

Which brings me to a very special group of people I want to talk about. My Aussie X-Phile Family. Corny, yes. Very geek like, yes. The past month, maybe two, I'm not really sure because I've lost complete sense of time passing. Point being that for some period of time now they've been a source of love and support in a very distant way and when I least expected it. Truth be that we're from all over the place and I've only actually met four of them in person. Yet many more have been a part of some mass postage campaign of love whereby I come home at the end of the day and find a random postcard waiting from me. Even from people I have never met. More often than not, it makes me both cry and smile all at the same time!!

Just over two years ago now I joined a very small Facebook group of fans. Seriously guys, it was small. Over that time it's grown and they've become a group and a family I'd never expected to have and one I'm not sure many people will really understand. I've learnt a lot from them, and together we've each been rocks in time of a storm, a ray of sunshine on a dull day, a burst of laughter from the most serious of moments. I guess I just wanted to say, somehow, that I appreciate everything I've gained from them. I'm so far away from all that once seemed familiar during a period of turbulence unlike anything I've prepared for. And yet there, on the sidelines they wait, ready to swoop forward and hug me. Of sorts.

However, it also points out to me the lack of human contact I have. Lack of everything I have right now. And I mean everything. It scares me a lot.

I did indeed find a Guide Unit to join which I have to admit is very exciting. I've only been along once to see them, but I look forward to a bright future with them. A huge group of 30 kids all roughly the same age which will be a new challenge I'm sure. But it's an exciting one. I walked away that night and found that a small part of me had been revived. Bring it on!!

Let me point out. At this very point in time I'm not sad or depressed. Indeed I'm not overly joyous either, I just am. I'm thinking about things. I've been applying for jobs. Trying to figure out what I'm going to make for dinner. Listening to music, contemplating reading, tossing up the pros and cons of going for a walk and risk being rained on. My mind is going around in circles and I know that sometimes its good to word it out. And thats what I am doing.

Well see what started it was looking out my kitchen window and the now filled trees again. The thoughts just sort of flowed from there. As they tend to do.

You see . . .

There's not a lot I have to say really. No I guess I should re-word that. There's not a lot I can say. That's part of the problem with a blog, unlike a personal, physical journal, it's something the world has access to. Mind you, past experiences show me that this too can happen with a real journal -you know who you are.

Point being I feel like talking. Not really to anyone in particular mind you, just talking. Trying to give method to the madness that rolls around in my mind every once in a while. Its like suddenly I've tuned into three different radio stations at the same time, one is playing loud banging music, one is static and one is a bunch of adverts. All different pitches, but all just pounding out at me. Makes it sound like I've little people in my head, banging on the inside of my skull. Which then makes me sound like I have multiple personalities. I do not.

Its just that sometimes talking something out makes more sense. Makes things seem real and plausable and practical. Not that there is any one thing bothing me, rather a few different things that sometimes I need someone else to talk to about to get their point of view. To make sure I"m not mad, or being dramatic or jumping the gun. I suppose I'm not really making all that much sense. In the grand scheme of things I am fine, rest assured its sunny outside and I feel happy. Which I have to add is nice, the past three days have been wonderful sunny, spring days and we're supposed to have a few more. This is the kind of weather I have missed. I rather enjoy it.

I've been reading much more lately. Laid off the writing part and decided to indulge in the work of others. Usually it creates this response, because I will have read something which has made me think about something in a different way. Then I'll have a conversation which then turns around what it is I've read. Like I don't have enough on my mind!! What I was driving to (man I miss that) was that in the choice to read much more (and varied at that) I have to be prepared to want to talk more. To think more. To verbally trace those very patterns. Only I wasn't quite prepared this time.

I've also realised I've used a whole bunch of words to really say nothing at all. What a bore I am.

During the week I placed my passport and Aussie drivers licence in an envelope and posted it away. That's right, I'm getting a UK drivers license. Which really I should have made a much more memorable moment. That was the last time I was to touch my first, full driving licence!! Such memories!! However in light that its shortly to expire and the notion that this summer I want to do a little driving, its time to let go of the old and welcome the new!! All I pray is that my passport comes back in one piece. Such a tight bond I have with that little book.

The other thing which happened during the week was the oh so close, but not quite, light at the end of the tunnel. I was offered a job! However, it was only a temp job and not a position I'd initially applied for. The idea is to take on a job that will provide me with a better income, not a lesser one! At the time I'd used the term 'job stability' but in light of recent times, I'm not even sure thats applicable any more. But yes, for a moment there I was very excited! Alas, nothing changes though. On and on I shall go until the next glimmer shows itself. At least I have a job, right? For that, if nothing else, I should be thankful. Well that and a few other things which again I need not go into where all the world can see.

Hmmm I think I am getting hungry. Tonight I am cooking Mexican.

Essence

Every once in a while I need to be reminded why it is, of all the cities in all the world, that I've chosen to call London home. True the legalities of living in some cities are so complicated that it would take years to get right. Most would assume that London is the chosen one simply because of the convenience of having a Right of Abode. Indeed, it makes the process somewhat simpler. However, it's not the full weight of the decision. Personal life will indeed have its advantages living here, but there again it's not the full weight of the decision. No one thing is. In saying that, one factor does indeed sway me much more significantly then others. Belonging.

In talking to people about this, it always leads to one inevitable question: Did you not feel like you belonged in Melbourne? The simple answer is: no. The complicated answer is: I never had. Now don't get me wrong, Melbourne is a fine city, it's has a vibration of life unique to any other, it has beach and mountains and bush and snow all within a reasonable distance. People are friendly, the lifestyle relaxed and visually it really can be stunning. But a sense of belonging goes much deeper than that. Much in the same way you can make the distinction between a House and a Home.

When I was preparing to go overseas at 17, I somehow knew it was going to be an important trip. The clincher -I just didn't realise how important. Upon my return some three weeks later I was a changed person, both obviously and not so much. In that time I fell in love with Vancouver in the way that most people fall in love with places they go on holiday to. What the subtle, yet significant difference is, is a sense of belonging. I felt I belonged somewhere. For the longest time it confused me. I questioned myself over and over and over again as to how I could feel such a way when in reality I spent a little over a week in Vancouver before moving on elsewhere. As confused as I was about this, it clarified one thing: a simple sense of knowing that I would not live out my days in the fair city I was born in. I'd known for some time that this would be the case, that feeling, that hunch or even that hope that there was something more out there for me. What the trip did was made me realise there is a vast world out there, much bigger and complicated and cultured than Melbourne could ever give me.

The following year I ventured to the UK. In all honesty I hated London. It was this crowded, cramped and chaotic city which for three very long days I trotted around in. I really had no intentions to return. But as fate would have it, I did. At a time when I'd lost hope in a lot of different things a few years later, I made a selfish choice to take advantage of an opportunity that presented itself, I would go to London for five month, a city I did not have fond memories of. Indeed fate would step in again just a few months later, extending that stay from five to fourteen months and create a love affair unlike anything I had expected.

What I always find so challenging about London is showing it to people. I've done it a fair few times now, both in my volunteer life and that as a resident. Its a city that has so much to offer in so many varied fields, interests and even histories. When I ask what people want to see, they'll often say to me that I should show them what I think they need to see. And its here I always end up at a loss, not because there is nothing to show nor nothing to see, indeed far from, rather because we'd look at things from two very different viewpoints.

In my time in this magnificent city during those 14 months as a volunteer it was my viewpoint which changed and what bought about the love and affection I now hold. I stopped looking at London as a tourist and started to see it the way the people who live here see it. Most Londoners will avoid tourist traps with great skill and care. In a city of over a million people, the last thing you want to do is be in the thick of it all. And as time passed, I began to see past the crowd pullers and begin a rather delightful dance with the hidden corners and back streets. I found the life and pulse and vibe which had been calling me for some years. I suddenly felt I belonged. I'd found my people. I'd found a place where pretty much anything goes and where expectation can be as much or as little as you choose it to be.

Upon my return to Melbourne, I was lost. Not only had I changed as a person, but I had seen a bigger picture. I felt grander things and shared experiences that altered who I was and what I wanted. I realised that I'd distinguished that subtle difference -Melbourne was my House, yet somehow London had become my Home. As my life story continues, I followed that feeling and came home.

Like life everywhere, it can be trying. And like I said earlier, every once in a while I need reminding as to why it is I am here. Why I chose to come here. Again, personal life aside. What drove me here was not a legal right to remain, nor the ability to make my lifestyle choices more freely, rather its that sense of belonging. Of feeling like you fit in somewhere in this huge jigsaw of pieces which are completely different to each other. Most of the time I'm aware of when I need that reminder. But every once in a while it catches me off guard and it's not until I'm in the midst of that life or vibe or culture that I realise that yes, this is it. This is the essence of what it is I was searching for. This city feeds my imagination, allows for creativity and expression. Escapism as well as the ability to firmly ground you in what is going on in reality.

And what prompted this confession? Why it's simple. I simply got off the bus much earlier than I'd planned to. You see, I was up in Central London yesterday and homeward bound I was taking the 24 to Victoria to get my train. It was mid-late afternoon. The sun was out, there were a lot of people around and I was on the lower level of the bus, zoned out in my thoughts created by the music flowing from my iPod. The bus pulled up at the intersection of Shaftsbury Avenue and Charing Cross Road and I promptly got off. I'll be honest, I have no idea why! The bus pulled away and as I turned around, I noticed a large crowd had gathered out the front of the Palace Theatre (currently home to the West End version of Priscilla Queen of the Desert) and a rather loud band. Now in this city its normal to find a busker with an instrument. Perhaps a chair, an amp and a microphone. At the most. But as I crossed the road I came to realise not only were there amps and mics, but two electric guitars and a drum kit. I was looking at a complete band.

I stood there for close to 20 minutes listening to a group I'm going to dub the 'Jammers of the Desert' simply because even they admit they weren't a band as such, just some friends who liked to jam together. That said, they were awesome. Had I been the sort of person who knew someone who knew someone, I'd have been in there getting them a gig somewhere. They were really that good. And so I stood, amongst at least 100 people in the growing shadow of a giant stiletto, soaking up all of the things I love most about this city. Its life. It's pulse. Its rhythm. Its promise. Its spontaneity. Chances are they'd have been in a bit of trouble for busking where they were, but I'd also imagine the crowd would have booed a heck of a lot should anyone try stop them playing! Its was just so brilliantly alive.

Afterwards, I walked along with a spring in my step. Its so very hard to show someone that feeling. Its hard to show them atmosphere in places they don't expect to see. I stand firm by the notion that London is a city you have to live in to appreciate it for what it's truly about. Indeed I was not presented with an answer as to what I can show people, because that's the beauty of this place. There is something for everyone, no matter what it is they want to see or experience. Sure, I can lead you to Big Ben, through Trafalgar Square, take you to the theatre, see Buckingham Palace, ride the Tube . . . but I cannot show you My London, because thats the point. It's My London, its what makes London home for me, something that only I can appreciate. Its that feeling of belonging.

In saying that, if you're in the neighbourhood, do drop me a line, I'll be happy to show you around, but be prepared to tell me what you want to see otherwise we could end up anywhere :-)

Croydonia

The weather at times has become mild enough to have my windows open once again. After pretty much three months of not being open (okay on occasion I did because the stuff air was getting to me and those of you who know me, it doesn't take much . . .) it's made a rather nice change. I've taken to opening the window when I get up in the morning and having it open of an evening when I get home for a bit too.

This morning I was sitting having my breakfast of Rice Crispies (Rice Bubbles damn it!) and cup of coffee and listening to the silence that is Croydon on a Saturday morning. By comparison to a weekday, it can sometimes be startlingly quite. Anyways, in the distance I heard the clocktower strike 8am. And it was like suddenly the world woke up. I could hear car horns, trains and police sirens start up. As if 8am marked the wake up call, and then the world was noisy. I came to realise that it's one of the small, yet remarkable things about the routine of daily life.

Like the Scary Scary Man. Each evening as I make my dinner or wash my dishes or whatever I might be doing in the kitchen when the time comes, he arrives home. At first I thought it was a once off and didn't notice it for a bit. But anticipating his return each evening, I've started to make note of it a little more. This evening the scene played out like it has been. Now I know it sounds odd and no I don't sit by the window and stalk people (cue Rear Window here). But I do notice things. He seems to be an older man. At first I noticed his OCD actions. He closes the drivers door twice. Locks and pulls on the handle three times. He then walks around to the passenger door, opens that, takes out his bag, closes the door, locks it and pulls on the handle six times. All the while muttering away to himself. In recent evenings of seeing this behaviour, I've been able to make out his words. And the whole time all he says is 'Its a scary fucking world, scary, scary, scary' and on occasion there are variations to it, but that's pretty much said a number of times.

And so I wonder what his story is. I wonder if he has a mental disability. Then I've also wondered if maybe its a front. He is kinda worried about his safety, and as a precautionary measure he puts on the mad man front in case any one decides to jump him. All things considered and remembering the stories I heard about Croydon just prior to, and shortly after moving here, its not entirely a bad course of action to take.

Then I wondered about the woman I see most nights walking home. She's got to be about 70 odd and has a very hunched back and wears a bright orange reflector vest. And yet, every time I see her, she's jogging. The woman has probably been doing it for years. So I wonder what her story is. Much like the (I can only assume) homeless who sleep outside Alders. They never bother you, don't ask for money in fact barely even notice you walk past. They're just there. Sometimes sleeping, sometimes sitting against the doors and even on nicer evenings sitting out on the metal seats. Like the other two I've mentioned, I wonder about their story.

Croydon really isn't made up of mad people, elderly runners or homeless. I mean come on, I live here! What I was trying to get to was that like most places, it has its characters. These people have always been there, yet it's only recently I've really started to notice them and I'm not entirely sure why that is. I notice the Reggae Man much more walking along the High Street. The man who walked his mini Schnauzer. During the lunchtime there's the woman in the bonnet preaching about God and the Bible. And the apparently Native American Indian who plays traditional music, sells traditional items and dresses rather traditionally. Or so you can only assume. Though I suppose most people in Croydon wouldn't know or care if it was traditional or not.

Its kind of reassuring to see those people. I'm sure you all know what I am talking about. You'll be able to name at least one person you see on a regular basis. You may not know them, their name, nor their story, but somehow they feature in yours, even if only in passing. In my quest of looking for a new job, people have asked if I would move away from Croydon. While practically speaking its an easy commute to London and Brighton, the reality of it is that Croydon has grown on me. As yet I'm to find the scary things which people talked about. True, I know of places that I'd not dare walk around in after dark, but again that can apply to most places. People are friendly, occasionally insane, but even then are still friendly and even sometimes polite. There seems to be all walks of life here. A variety of ways to dress and walk and talk and be. I like Croydon. I'm looking forward to a full summer here. I look forward to all the things which go on and believe me, it's a happening place at times!

Drive

And that pretty much sums it up really. That's what I want to do. Drive. I just have this crazily overwhelming urge to get into my little car, toss in a good CD and head out for a grand old Sunday drive, out across the Westgate, watching the sun dance on the surface of Port Phillip Bay. Seeing the glass bouce sunlight off windows, try not to run over a cyclist heading through Brighton. Or maybe I'd head West, out into no where. Or maybe a little North, out through Whittlesea, the hills and mountains leading out to Flowerdale and beyond. The problem? That's not my life anymore!

Homesick? Not sure. Maybe a little. But not in the way most assume I would be by this point. I honestly cannot tell you the physical ache I have not to be able to just climb into my car and go. We have so many memories together! And so many miles together! I guess it's just the weather today, it reminds me of a good day to drive. Maybe it's because I just don't have that release any more. I often found the best way to sort out my thoughts was to just get out of the house and go. I remember once I went out to get some yoghurt and came back six hours later, no yoghurt. Its strange, I don't really miss my former life. I mean I miss parts of it, don't get me wrong, and I miss people too. But not enough that it holds me back. I just, I guess I have moments that seem like an out of body experience where I can imagine and feel what it was to be in a certain place.

I feel a little bit in limbo at the moment. Like I'm stuck between what was and what is to become. Which is indeed a new feeling. Makes a nice change from everything feeling just hopeless and horrible and just the routine of life. It feels like standing on the egde of the Grand Canyon. That's it, thats the feeling I have. Just like there is big expanse of open air in front of me, this gaping hole so beautiful, yet so scary. Good grief what was in my cereal this morning?!

Time to Think

Around the world this weekend there are a lot of celebrations going on. Yes, it's that time of year again, it's Thinking Day. To all the non Guide people out there it really means nothing, but for those of us involved, not only is it like any other Thinking Day, it's thinking day 100 years on. Big, right? I have to admit to being somewhat disheartened that on this be celebratory weekend I'm curled up on the couch/bed with piles of snotty tissues (ah such a glamourous image!) feeling incredibly sorry for myself. I really hate the sick season!

In saying that however, I have caught myself at various times today thinking a lot. I think the whole disheartened thing was a large theme running through a lot of it. Thus far 2010 has been pretty sucky, with some news all unofficial like, which makes it crappier still.

I had to go through some photos today. Well, it was a three fold project really, two I've been meaning to do for some time now, one came to me today. I guess what I found in the photos was a lot of promise. A lot of happiness. A whole bunch of snap shots from a period of about 5 years of my life when I can honestly say there was a lot going on all for good reason. Now, not so much.

See, its nearing on 12 months since my arrival in the UK. And I really don't feel like I have achieved a whole lot. Don't get me wrong, I'm not ready to pack my bags and return to Australia, rather far from. And I also want to note that I never expected that 12 months on life would be perfect and peachy keen. Because in reality I knew that was never going to happen. I know a process like this takes time. Hell, I'm sure that 12 months from now there is a possibility I could still feel the same way. I guess, I dunno, I guess I've gone back to losing sight of what I wanted.

Even then that's really a lie. I've never been a person who has my life mapped out. Like most kids, I wanted to be a such and such when I grew up. But nothing ever really stuck. Going into high school I didn't really know then either what I wanted to do. I started to have a panic attack in my VCE years because the co-ordinators were piling on the pressure to make choices about a future I wasn't even sure of yet. So I finished high school and went into the work force, still not knowing what I wanted to do when I was a grown up, despite having all ready entered that world. Still, to this day, I really don't know what I want to be. I suppose that's consistency for you! I guess I worry a bit that I'll just let the years pass me by never having achieved anything.

And again, that's a lie. Because I know in my heart of hearts I've all ready done far more than most people ever will. But I've gone back to feeling like I don't have a purpose, like something is missing. In August of last year I had a faith crisis. And a few times since then it's raised its head again. So maybe what I am feeling is once again another faith crisis, I don't know. But what struck me today as I was thinking and looking at photos, is that I really have, in some ways, become quite idle. And I'll be honest, I hate that.

People dream of the right job. For me, I've not a clue what that would be. Surely I can't be the only person out there who feels this way? And not that I am having an age crisis or anything, because I am not as I know so much can happen and change in a short period of time. But in just over four years, I'll be 30. I used to know people who had their life to 25 planned, they knew where they wanted to be. Frankly, that scared the crap out of me. Why must I limit myself to what I only think should happen? That totally rules out anything that could happen. However, I'm now over half way in my 25th year, past that age where the plans stopped. And yet, I'm still just bopping along. Drifting.

Its funny. That was the title of my NaNoWriMo entry last year. A part of it came from this feeling I was having at the time. However, as with most writers minds, my imagination took over and it became much larger than a feeling and far more dramatic. I am telling you, somehow I missed my calling for Hollywood. But the bare fact remains that I very much had that theme in common with my main character. That feeling of simply drifting. Driving along an endless road until eventually you run out of road to drive on.

So, I hear you ask, what about Erin? Its funny, my relationship with her was something completely out of the blue. When I initially left for Pax in June of 05 just shy of my 21st birthday, people swore blind I was going to find myself a 'Lovely English Chap' and come home married. Or close enough. Imagine the surprise when a) that hadn't happened and b) actually I've met a woman. . . in saying that, I wouldn't change a thing. Erin has been the one constant feeling (despite the bumpy road it's been) that has kept me sane. That in many ways has kept me alive and helped me to become who I am today. In saying that though, I look at her sometimes and envy her. And in fact, many people in her life. Because they all went and did what they wanted to do. Or are working on it.

I guess what I need right now is some assurance that I'm not the only person in the world who feels this way. So please, if its you, or you know someone, get them to drop me a line!! To a degree I do have a little faith, I have faith in the belief that one day yes, I will wake up and know exactly what I am going to do with the rest of my life. But until then, I can't help but feel like I've missed something.

So anyways, Happy Thinking day everyone!!

Wide Open

The final words of my last blog, the round up of 2009, seem to haunt me in the echos of my quiet flat. Indeed the start of 2010 came along and blew the doors of life wide open, far wider than I thought was still possible. Life is curious in that way. Just when you think the worst is over and that you've almost reached the goal, the aim, the end of it all, a curve ball appears from left field and you're sort of left standing there stunned. Wordless. As if woken from a dream that was both vivid and distant all at the same time.

Every once in a while, other words haunt me. Some which I have said, some which others have said. Combined, it does make me worry somewhat just how much more is going to be pushed and thrown not only at me, but my loved ones as well. I mean, surely there must be an emotional endurance level when once hit, that's it. You get an easy ride. Okay I can hear some of you now practically yelling at me that it doesn't really work that way. Logically I know this. But you can't blame a person for hoping now, can you?

A month and a half into 2010 and I find myself standing out on a limb. Stripped bare. Metaphorically speaking I feel naked, standing in the middle of Trafalgar Square on a hot summers day, the world looking at me as though they can feel and hear and be privy to everything I am thinking, feeling and experiencing. You know me, I am a somewhat private person which is somewhat laughable when you consider I write those very words in an online blog and spend way too much time on Facebook. I guess I mean more by way of emotions. I'll gladly tell people that I am fine when in reality it's likely I am not. Its a rare few that can actually get past that and find what is making me sad or angry or any number of other emotions I seem to go through on an hourly, daily or weekly basis.

Sarah, the wisest of my therapists (why yes, shock horror I've had not only one, but three) once said that while writing a journal is a great tool for personal benefit, it can also be a harmful measure for a person who remains a great deal closed off from those who care most about them. The idea behind a journal is to write the continuance of thoughts which a person feels they cannot verbally say. But when thoughts aren't even started to be spoken of in the first place, therein lies the problem. I guess that was partly the reason why I started my blog in the first place. It was a step towards leaving the journal pages less filled. True, I still have the option of choosing what it is I reveal to the world, however it's progress.

So, the point of this? In the 46 days that has been 2010 so far I've experienced an array of emotions at a far greater level of intensity than I ever have before. I've struggled. Some of you I have talked to about this, others I have not. Those who know me best know not to take it personally if I haven't, because it really isn't intended that way. Old habits die hard and I spent so long not telling anyone anything, that every once in a while I slip back into that routine.

There are a wide variety of issues for me at the moment. The most prominent, and most obvious, was Erin's arrival and very sudden and unexpected departure in January through no fault of her own. In the 10 hours I paced the arrivals hall of Gatwick Airport I was faced with a very real possibility that I might not even get to see her. In fact I was so convinced they were going to deport her immediately that when I was eventually told they were going to grant her temporary entrance into the country, I was somewhat shocked and a bit unsure of what to do with myself.

However, what stays with me most from those hours was the sheer physical pain as to what I was feeling. It hurt. I really felt like I was dying inside, like a part of me had been violently ripped away and I was never going to get it back. Now, I'm not a person to take things for granted. I've learnt to appreciate and hold onto the simple things in life. But what I discovered was that I was taking for granted that everything was going to be okay. That my Happily Ever After was about to happen and nothing could get in the way of that. I took for granted that I love Erin. And I do, don't get me wrong, but it was almost like that entire experience made me realise just how much I actually do love her. How much I rely on her company and care and love and warmth. To be suddenly faced with having that taken away, it took the wind out of me. It crippled my spirit. It rendered me alone and isolated like a lighthouse on the coast.

Many, many people have asked me how I am doing. What I am feeling and how I am coping. For the most part I've shrugged this off and said I am fine. There are several close friends I've not even discussed how I feel with and to be honest, I don't know why. I guess I just didn't want to feel those things any more. Despite the crowds coming and going in the arrivals hall, I dealt with what felt like the most traumatic emotions of my life thus far, alone. Part of me really doesn't want to feel that again. But a part of me knows that it's important to feel them and to release them and to let others feel some of it too.

So while I won't declare to the world here every thought and fear and emotion I have or feel, I can at least make a start and perhaps make sure that some of you don't allow me to get away with simply saying I'm fine. Because the fact of that matter is, no one really pushes. They just take the fine at face value. Ultimately if I don't want to talk about something, I can come right out and say so. But until I do, I often just need a little nudge in the right direction.

In saying that, I don't expect to be interrogated the next time I see or speak to you!! I guess I was more just wanting to say sorry to anyone who may feel a bit hurt by my not being open and sharing. I am feeling a great deal of things and being the control freak I am (come on people, lets be honest here!) I don't know how to cope and as a result of that, I don't want to lose control of the front which most people see as me coping. I think to a degree we all feel like that at times.

Thus, to answer the ever asked question: I'm good, all things considered :-)

Now, I do believe the kettle is whistling to me and two wonderful men by the name of Ben & Jerry are calling to me. Time to curl up on the couch and do some DVD viewing before facing yet another week in the world.

Good Night All.

The Year That Was

It's time. Time to write and reflect over the past 12 months of life. Its the season to do it, of course, as not only another year ends but a decade as well. They've been calling these past 10 the Noughties which is a rather unfortunate name when you think about it. Ha, just 10 years ago I was 15 and half. Finishing year nine. What a year that was. But alas, it should be this past year I should be thinking most about. And so I will.

For me it's rather strange to think that I've been gone from Australia for nearly 13 months now, however have only been in the UK for 10 of those. I keep saying that once it's been a year things should have settled a bit, so in some regards I still have a little time. I suppose that's what has made the year a bit bumpy and unstable, certainly the first part anyways. You know this year alone I have lived in four different addresses. I do believe that's a new record for me! It's been the year of moves bought on by the biggest one yet at the end of last year, the choice to move to the UK. Since leaving Australia, I called Richmond KY, USA home for three months. Then I flew to London calling Pax Lodge in Hampstead home again for three months. Then from there I shifted to South London, living in Catford for two months before shifting once again to my current home in Croydon. Where ideally I'd like to say settled for a bit! I moved there on the 4th of July and now, just over six months later (oh my GOD I only just figured that out) I think it really is starting to feel like home.

A part of me in recent weeks has questioned the value of the past year. In some ways I feel like it's been a bit of a waste and partly feels like I don't have a whole lot to show for that passed time. What has made me feel like this is comparing the foundations I had in Australia to the ones I have now. Unfairly so. I've had to keep telling myself that the foundations there took 21 years to achieve. I can't expect miracles over night. And so with that in mind, I look forward to the New Year with the hope of a new job (one I choose rather than one which is simply there) and the hope of meeting more new people and starting foundations and creating memories and a life here.

Indeed it's been a rough year for the emotions. I've struggled with my depression much more than I thought I would. But again, under the circumstances, I've done quite well! I've said some hard good-byes some of which are much more long term than others. I've said hello's once again to people from my previous life here as well as my previous life way back there. I've stressed over being unemployed, then stressed about being employed. About money. About gaining weight again. About getting to the point where I am happy. Somewhere in there I dealt with painful wisdom teeth, a flu (several times), having domestic life prolonged much longer than it was supposed to have been and I even scared myself in there with a bit of an alcohol problem. This latter one, to relieve any concerns, is now gone.

However, I don't want to dwell on the negatives and what sounds like such a bad time because in all honesty, it really hasn't been that terrible. Its been an amazing year of growth for me and once more I learnt just how much I am capable of dealing with. To praise myself a little, a lot of people told me as I went into this that they admired me a lot for what I was going to do. At the time I looked at the move as simply something that I wanted to do to make myself happy. To make a commitment to the person I want to share the rest of my life with. I didn't see it as a big deal at all. A wise friend told me that I might not recognise the scope of this until later on when I reflected back over it. As always, she was right. What I've put myself through these past 12 months in some ways make me sit back in awe. Was I really that naive about it all?!

The flip side to all that is the series of adventures I've had. Some grand. Some momentous. Some special just for me. But each month has presented an adventure of some description. True to myself there are some which stand out more than others and some which words cannot even begin to do justice to. And so it's those now that I focus on and wonder just what the New Year will bring.

December saw me leave Australia bound for the US for three months starting with an awesome road trip across the Southern States of the USA. And what a trip it was! I think it worked out to be 15 days in total starting in LA (and then onto Disneyland!!) and ending in Kentucky. Along the way seeing sights which will always make me smile, some which leave me in awe and the chance of catching up with Shanna & Philip (and meeting Anna-Claire!). I blogged a lot about those days which I am sure should you wish to, can go back and read. The month also saw me celebrate my third Christmas Kentucky style, complete with fireworks, the Girl Scout gathering (which always rocks my world) and pasta on Christmas Day.

January will always be remembered not for Australia Day in USA (complete with beer and footy), not for the onset of a killer ice-storm (good grief living in a hotel is not really all that fun) but for Obama's Inauguration Day. Yes, I was there the day that history happened catching what could very well have been hypothermia out on The Mall amongst millions of people. It truly was an amazing few days and it was incredible to watch people come together for an event which represented so much hope for change for so many people. Washington D.C went from being busy, to really busy to sardine style busy over the course of a weekend and I was in crowds I hope to high heaven I'm never in again. But it was TOTALLY worth it!

February was the month of many more miles on the road. With thanks to the ice storm's effects which filtered over into the start of the month, our trip to Minnesota was postponed and tagged on later in the month with a trip to Des Moines to visit Erin S. In the middle came a trip to South Bend to visit Maggie (and Notre Dame!) where we ventured across to Illinois for a day in Chicago and a visit to my first Great Lake. Jeff (Fa-fa!) Dunham (dot com!) made an appearance in Lexington, KY which was totally awesome and very, very exciting for me (not so much for Erin who was stuck in the car with me). And then there was Minnesota via Des Moines. So. Much. Snow. Seriously! It was so beautiful! I saw my second Great Lake (it was frozen which was very cool), ate some great pie in Two Harbours and caught up with a grand old Canadian friend in Wisconsin. I also got to spend time with lots of Erin's family which simply had me in my element. I don't come from a large family, so it was a very new experience for me and one I honest to god hope to enjoy again!

March sucked in a lot of ways. I flew solo back to the UK to start on the adventure for some time I'd been feeling was one I was destined to make. I once again called Pax Lodge home and in many ways it was so strange to be back. While a lot had changed, some things hadn't and it took most of the month for me to get my head around how I was feeling about it all. A week after my arrival I had my first job interview which got my hopes up very high way too quickly. I was soon to learn things weren't going to be that easy. I spent some time getting re-acquainted with London. We celebrated Pax Lodge's anniversary and Earth Hour. I had more interviews.

April presented me with many more interview opportunities. Many, many more rejections as well. I met my first UK Philer (X-files fan) Victoria, whom came like a breath of well needed fresh air (V that's a compliment!). It also found two visitors from my old Pax days come and visit me. Both Saga and Ruth returned to London and it was great catching up with them. Saw some theatre in there, got a National Insurance number and came down with the flu. Bleh. Right as the month ended I enjoyed a dinner at Euston train station with another old friend, Mutley Ruth (!).

May equated to change. The month saw me achieve a decade long dream of finally seeing Gillian Anderson on stage which truly was an amazing experience. Coupled with this was meeting Aussie Philer Ros for some much counted down squeeness and some wandering around Grand Old London Town. My dear friend Kathy was in the UK and I managed to catch some time with her and Ruth to have dinner. Heather and I went out to Crystal Palace for the day. I was interviewed more. I moved out of Pax Lodge and down to Catford which was scary and exciting all at the same time. On the 29th I spent my last £7 on a rail ticket to get to an interview. The following day I started work. Fate for once was leaning in my favour.

June was epic. I survived my first week on the job as a thrown in the deep end CA for Back to Health. It was a long month work wise, working literally six days a week between Croydon and Richmond. I was tired. The commute from Catford was a killer. Then another Aussie Phile came to London, Sandi, and on my second viewing of 'A Dolls House' I finally got to meet Gillian Anderson. Such an amazing moment. Heart pounding. Palms sweaty. Programme and Pen ready. She made her way along the gathered line and despite me practiced efforts, all I did was squeak at her to which she simply smiled and moved on. Epic fail! Now I look back and laugh, but then I was gutted.

July marked my silver Jubilee, indeed I turned 25 -a quarter of a century! By way of celebration I had treated myself (indeed the first ticket I purchased) to a viewing of A Dolls House on my birthday. It was my third time seeing the show and by far the best performance I'd seen. It was much more powerful and moving than previous shows. That same night I met a bunch of German Philes whom I was likely to see again in October at X-Con in Berlin, but as things turned out, I never made it there. Rebecca from New Zealand also came to visit me and we celebrated with a pub crawl beginning around 2pm, among other things. It also saw the birth of Shanna's second baby girl, Aubrey.

August was another busy month. Rebecca returned to London once again for some more adventure. A friend from the Force back home, Christina, was also in London so in addition to wandering around this cultured city, she also came with me on Day 1 of walking The London Loop. It was a tiring day! Unfortunately not long after that came the news that Erin's visa was declined and the onset of dealing with being apart much longer than we'd planned to be. Late in the month I took a trip to Scotland with Heather to see the Edinburgh Military Tattoo and we were joined by Heather's friend Anne and my London buddy Victoria. Shortly there after I began to have wisdom teeth woes. Not fun.

September started with the removal of the first of three painful teeth. It also meant that plans to tackle the second leg of the London Loop were postponed and is still yet to be walked (I'll get there eventually!). I battled with loneliness a lot this month but on the up side, fall came to London and turned all the leaves red and yellow. The 5th marked my 18 year anniversary of being a Guide. I tagged along for a rather religious Sunday with Heather, Maia and Yvette which further made me question my faith or lack there of. Things as work continued to be rocky and thus started the thoughts of finding somewhere else to work. My flat started to take shape with more furniture added into it. The Croydon Food Festival happened at the end of the Month which allowed for two weeks of food, glorious food! Once more another baby joined the world, with Louise giving birth to baby Jack.

October arrived quickly. I turned my heating on for the first time. Yes, I was cold! Erin and I celebrated our fourth anniversary, however it was the first time we were unable to be together. Ruth returned for a few days and became my first house guest! Amazingly enough by the end of it we'd not killed each other, managed a trip to Brighton, the theatre and ate lots of yummy food. Oh and played lots of Skip-Bo! I also began to partly plan for my third NaNoWriMo attempt. Shortly after that was the fundraiser weekend of AXFF which I was able to semi-successfully Skype with the gathering in Queensland. Much to my horror Christmas arrived, decorations came into the stores, went up in the streets and carols were being played. I couldn't believe my eyes. It all arrived before Halloween, which (on the day) allowed me the opportunity to decorate the clinic and have lots of sweets on my desk. Plus I re-visited the challenge of carving a pumpkin!

November =NaNoWriMo. Enough said. Just kidding! My life in this month was pretty much dedicated to writing. I attended a number of Write-Ins where I met some new people and rediscovered my love of writing. For the first time in a long time, I'd started to feel alive again and its a feeling I found I'd missed. With a piece titled 'Drifting' I crossed the finish line three days ahead of schedule and 20 words over the target. Winter had arrived, fog started to show up in the mornings and we got a new Doctor at the clinic. This month Sally gave birth to baby Tess which was very exciting!! I made some pumpkin pies for Thanksgiving and ventured out to Wimbledon for Bruce's birthday.

December is here once more and is now almost over. With it came the arrival of horrid cold and damp weather which has covered the country in stark beauty. We had snowfall and a lot of ice. One morning on the way to work, I slipped and fell. My social life picked up a bit with visiting friends and few planned festive events. The Christmas Market set up on the North End of Croydon and the shops came to life filled with hundreds of people. I got sick with the flu and was pretty much out of action for a week. Great news came with Erin's flight being booked for January (yay!) followed by the sad news of the passing of her grandfather. I made some firm choices to find a new job and indeed applied for one or two. At least this time round I am employed so I at least have a wage coming in! Natalie, another pal from the Force, was in Europe and dropped by London. We did a Jack the Ripper walk and froze a little bit. Hopefully we'll get the chance to catch up again before she heads back. The main Christmas Days were spent up at Pax Lodge which made for a nice holiday from my own life. But as always, that in turn gives you chance to think about too much!

Looking ahead to the next few days, New Years looks to be a quiet one. I'm tossing around the idea of going up to London to watch the fireworks on the Thames which is sort of iconic really. It's likely I'll end up doing just that. Until then, I'll just keep working away. And once more I'll do just that in the New Year. 2010 is on our doorstep. I look forward to throwing the door open and seeing what's waiting on the other side.

Here's to a New Year, a New Decade and a New Adventure awaiting us all.
Cheers!

Almost Time

T'was the Morning before Christmas, not a creature was stirring, Stuart was wrapping and Rachael was typing. Indeed it's a slow morning a work! I'll be honest. There are lots of little admin things I could be doing right now and in my defence I've been doing them since I got here, but right now it's Christmas and I don't wanna work. Lol. Its not that bad, we've got a string of patients coming through this morning and it's been kind of chilled.

Finally the ice has melted! It felt so wonderful to be able to walk to work and not fear for my safety. A small amount of snow is still sitting on the ground in parks and things, but for the most part it has gone. The North End where our clinic is has people all over it. Apparently there are lines in all the shops. Last minute shoppers no doubt. I can't imagine going and shopping, it would be horrible. For the most part I've been able to avoid shops this week. I've had to go get a few small things and it's been a nightmare.

I got to thinking about things again. I still haven't been settled for a year yet, despite leaving Australia just over a year ago. This time last year we'd been back from our mega awesomely cool road trip across the south of USA and were baking and buying winter jackets. The year before that I was on a plane to the US, or about to get on one. The year before that I'd not long returned to Australia and was in Tasmania to celebrate the festive season. And indeed the one before that I was experiencing my first USA Christmas with the Gow family.

(ha ha ha a patient just came in and said to Stu 'Bah Humbug' because he didn't have the Santa Suit on, he he he)

Anyways, I started to think about the kind of flight miles I've been adding up the past few years and realised I have a very bad carbon footprint! I blame Canada. Since traveling there in 2001 I've had the travel bug and can't shake it. I mean look, I've had a nice few years, check it out:

July/Aug 2001: Canada and the USA (3.5 weeks)
July/Aug 2002: Singapore and the UK (3.5 weeks)
Jun -Dec 2005: Singapore and the UK (6 months)
Dec 05/Jan 06: The US (2 weeks)
Jan -Sept 06: The UK (8 months)
Sept-Dec 06: The USA (3 months)
April/May 07: The USA (3 weeks)
Dec 07/Jan 08: The USA (4 weeks)
Dec 08 - Mar 09: The USA (3 months)
Mar 09 to now: The UK

And that's just long haul flights. In there are multiple flights within the USA, the UK and Australia. I wonder how many miles I've flown in that time? I bet there would be a way to work it out. And the number of hours too! He he he. Hmmm maybe one day when I'm bored I'll work that out! Anyways, all that adds up to a bad carbon footprint. I'm mean to the environment. I'm sorry!! I just like planes . . .

But look, Christmas is just that little bit closer now! I'm kinda more excited about it now than I was say a week or so back. It was nice, I walked into the Whitgift Centre on Tuesday and there were some kids in there singing Christmas Carols (like from a school or something) and it just felt, well, like Christmas. Don't laugh. It's been weird. But hey, Christmas is here! Woohoo! I've not even done my traditional e-mail around to everyone. I just haven't really felt like it. I even have a handful of Christmas cards still to post simply because between being sick and catching up at work and doing things at home I've been meaning to for some time . . . well I've just not gotten around to it. I'm thinking next year I'll start in September, just to make sure everything is done and sorted! Actually next year I'd like to make my own cards, or have a photo I've taken printed out as cards. That would be kinda nice.

Counting the Days

I'm feeling nostalgic. I always do around this time of the year, I start to think about getting together with people whom I've barely had the chance to see during the year. I start to think about family and those who can't be with us any more. I also start to think about what I've crammed into the last 12 months of my life and if I think it's been worth it or not. To be honest, that's not exactly what I'm doing right now because, well, that blog tends to come closer to New Years Eve when I almost have lived 12 months. Its been a rough few months so I am sure there will be some great debate as to my sense of value of the past year, but that's not for now, that's for a few days from now.

I guess what's got me nostalgic is being on my own. Yes, I am alone. I can say it. I'm sitting in an empty flat with no human contact, nor animal, I can't even hear my neighbours. But I'm not lonely. Not really. I guess it's provided me time to reflect back over different memories of different times. Its been a strange week. It started off brilliant and wonderful with the news that Erin is to arrive in the UK on the 14th of January, just on three and a half weeks from now. Rest assured there is a countdown and there will be one very excited young Australian prowling the halls of Gatwick far earlier than she needs to be because she'll be so excited there will be nothing left to do but just get to the airport. I pray for those I run into that morning. Then there was the excitement of snow. Yes, by most American and Canadian accounts not a whole lot. But lots for the UK and indeed very much for a Melbournian. Cold and icy was the theme for a few days.

After that came the sudden news of the death of Erin's grandfather George. A death by any means is always a sad event. Naturally the distance has been hard these past few days because by nature I want to be supportive. Most people are when loved ones are hurting. But I've also found myself in a somewhat strange situation. In the past, deaths have always been of family and friends. There's always been that clear cut level of grief to display or feel. This time though, I've found I'm not sure what the correct level of care, concern and sadness should be. Yes, I feel sad that George is no longer living, a loss of life is always sad. But I'm faced with the dilemma of just how much I'm allowed to be sad. Never before have I had an In-Law die, I've never had In-Laws before! Under the circumstances its not quite like blood family, but much more than friends. Its hard. I'm not sure what is appropriate or not. And I don't want to make this about me, because it's not. Its very much about Erin and her family dealing with a loss. But in conjunction with that is a sense of uncertainty as to how I should feel.

Of course feeling like that and being sad about a death this time of the year has bought up memories of my own loss just two years ago of my Nonna. I think a large part of that is because I never really grieved properly, if anything I felt guilty for perhaps not being the granddaughter that I could have been. A natural way to feel no doubt, questioning if I'd done enough, called enough, even visited enough. Deep down I guess I told myself I didn't, and thus didn't deserve the right to grieve. Harsh, yes, but then those of you who know me know that the manner of thinking which I had was not uncommon. Which brings us to now. Yes, I feel guilty and yes I miss my Nonna. I feel sad about George and wish that somehow I could be there to help. Ultimately I know I can't and that's something I'll have to deal with.

But in a round about way this got me thinking about memories in general. Yes, some Christmas ones. Like the one sitting in the back of my fathers car one Christmas, sitting next to my Nonna and her asking if I had started getting periods yet, and then going on further to tell me that when I do it's a good time to start looking for a husband to have children with. Looking back I do smile in amusement at that moment, at how embarrassed I felt at the time because it was the first Christmas since hitting puberty and the idea of now being a 'young woman' was something I was still kind of awkward about without even thinking about getting married and having kids.

Like most families there are a couple of Christmas ones I'd rather forget. For that matter I'm pretty sure there are a couple of Easter and Birthday ones too. But that's a common place occurrence really. I then started to think about memories that made me smile. Of simple joy. Childhood games. The few holidays we had as a family. Flashes from school and guides. Then I started to think about the people who had made an impact on my life. Some are still around, some are not. Some are close by and others are thousands of miles away. But some how they're all still quite close. So yes, I get lonely at times, but today I've felt I've had a lot of company.

As Christmas draws near and I face the first one ever where I've not been with family or future in-laws (yes my darling Gow's that first one counts), I come to realise that I wasn't looking forward to it. I'd mentally blocked Christmas from my own mind and its only the last day or so that I've realised in a week, it'll all be over. Its strange. In theory I should have been feeling this way four years ago when I'd planned on being in the UK at the end of my time at Pax simply to be someplace new for Christmas. At that time, fate stepped in and it didn't happen. Thus here I am thinking and feeling this way now. Don't get me wrong, I won't be alone for Christmas. In fact by all accounts it sounds like there will be lots of company. There will be a face or two which feels like family, and many more who are not, but may become new friends.

I don't know, I guess I'm feeling old and boring as well. Its been too long being alone, I crave that domestic life once again. I have someone that I love so dearly whom I cannot be with just yet. Family is a long way away. And though Pax is in some ways home, its just won't be the same without the people who made it feel that way. Therefore I started to count the days to the time when familiarity returns. To the time when a small level of stability will return. To the day when I'll feel a much more complete again. In meeting with an old and dear friend the other night, I came to realise what I miss most is having a foundation and an existence. A history.

Here, up until nine months ago, Rachael Marchese didn't exist in this life. Not in Croydon, not in the UK, not in any capacity other than a volunteer. For 21 years I developed an identity and an existence. Then I decided to take a leap of faith and find something new. Four and a half years later here I am, having taken the biggest leap ever. Don't get me wrong, I have no doubt in my mind that leaving Australia was the best choice I made. Indeed not an easy one, but a good one. And so I have the ability to think back over memories of the life I once had. Here, as yet, I cannot. Not really. Not yet. One day yes, but not right now. So in some ways I begin to count the days until I can do that.

Knowing that one day I'll be able to say 'Remember that summer we . . .' or 'How funny was it when . . .' in a context that's relevant to my current environment. And how exciting does that seem?! I mean really, it's exciting to think that I can also pick and choose and create what the endings to those sentences will be.

Gah, I think it's dinner time. Too much thought and too little food. I need sustenance!

Making Choices

Yes, now that's an original title, no? I am sure somewhere along the line going back over the years there will be a blog post somewhere titled the same thing. Are we seeing a pattern here? Though I suppose techincally we make choices every day of our life. From what to have to breakfast right down to what PJs to wear at night. Assuming you wear PJs that is. I was just trying to be broad in my thinking.

There have been a lot of choices in life to make. All of which no doubt have helped me to reach this point in time, yet again faced with choices. Right at this moment I am debating to have corn chips or chocolate. I'm feeling a little ill at the moment, so I am thinking corn chips might be the better answer. Well I suppose they're tortilla chips. I'm not sure why, but the word tortilla reminds me of Maggie. I wonder what is happening in Southbend at this very point in time?

I feel like I should be writing Christmas cards. Would you believe I picked up the box like two weeks ago now and still not a single card has been written. How slack of me. With Royal Mail still playing catch up with all the post from the strikes, I'm pretty sure I should do something about them this weekend. Among other things. That's assuming I can afford the postage! The one draw back about having friends and family right across the world, postage can be a killer! Especially at Christmas. Memo to self, next year put a few pounds a month away for a Christmas Postage fund. Hmmm, I should get me a tin for that. Wait, I think I have one in the last box I've still to unpack. Its offical, that box has been sealed for 12 months. Its like a little mini time capsule! Ha! I wonder what I packed in there . . . actually I could probably guess, more stuffed animals no doubt!

In case you were wondering, I had egg fried rice this evening. With soya sauce. It was yummy. And warm, which is always a bonus on a cold night. Which it is. I'm thinking I might turn the heat up a little, I feel a little shivery. But then again, I don't feel well in general, I have a migrane on top of everything else. Looking at a screen really isn't going to help that, but I figure soon enough it'll be painful enough to make me just turn off the laptop and go to bed. Its beyond pain killer point, but not quite at black out point. I've not had one for some time, so I suppose I shouldn't complain.

Croydon is very pretty at the moment, all the lights are up and there is a cool looking market type of thing set up for Christmas on the North End. Each stall is like a hut, some have beads up, some have fake snow, some have pine spriggs. Its all rather atmospheric. That and I've started to notice the salt on the ground. Now that I've been to Minnesota in winter, the concept of snow doesn't excite me as much as it once did, only because I've seen it in large amounts now and anything less will be much less impressive. However, in saying that, I'm sure when the timem comes I'll want to go out and play in it. I can't help the inner child, it's quite pushy at times.

To Hell With That

Yes, that's what I want to say, though I have to admit it might not be entirely wise to declare why right here where the world can see. But some of you might just figure it out, knowing what was going on this week. Last week. Almost all weeks for some time now. The New Year is coming, so who knows what new adventures might await me.

Its really cold tonight. I lost the feeling in my fingers walking home. Memo to self, start using your gloves! Its that horrid cold, damp feeling. A lot of the cars have been getting a heavy frost on them of late too. I'm waiting for the ice which will send me ass up walking to work. While I know it'll hurt and won't be funny at the time, I'm sure I'll reach a point where I'll thnk it would have been amusing to see me fall. I do that. Some of you know that. I have a twisted sense of humour.

Strange things happen in the Festive Season. People start to get social. I am getting social. Shock horror! And meeting people not previously met before. I blame NaNo, that started it. Hmmm that was random. I don't even know where I was going with that one. I'm supposed to be putting up Christmas stuff at the moment. Got to be honest, I don't feel motivated to do so. I don't feel like being all Merry like. I think it's slowly been drained from me since the decos started appearing in October. I knew this was going to happen.

What to look forward to this weekend? Deep cleaning!! Actually, we're having a somewhat low key Christmas Shindig on Saturday after work. That'll be fun, though the concept of drinking games has always scared me somewhat. People say stupid things when they've had a bit too much to drink. And there's always a photo which shows up too. But Sunday, yes Sunday I have to clean and re-arrange the flat. Made a horrid discovery on Wednesday morning. The wall was wet and I found the startings of mould behind my bed. Ekkk! I know it's only arrived since two weeks back, that was when I last moved it. Totally want to avoid that again.

Mmmm something smells good, I think dinner is nearly ready. Bout time really, I'm famished. Might curl up on my couch with a blanket, dinner and some quality Nanny time. Yes, mindless TV shows, they rock my world.

Cutting It Fine

I always hope that I'll be able to post at least once a month. I like to be able to look at my blog and see one entry under the heading of each month. However, that doesn't always happen and so when I check in, I always feel somewhat responsible for the abandoned state it's in. *sighs* I guess some things will never change. Of all the good intentions I have . . .

Time since I last wrote has flown by. A lot has gone on, some changes have come about. The most obvious one is in the physical sense, it's now a whole lot colder and wetter! Seriously, its a very strange world out there first thing in the morning. I enjoyed the changing colours of leaves and how starkly stunning it looks here when the sun is out and the air is cold. And now, everything gets damp. I hate it. I do, because nothing seems to dry. Oh and I do have to share the funny letter I got from my real estate agent last week. It basically summed up what was to come in the next month or so, talking about freezing pipes and keeping buildings at a certain temperature to avoid problems like mould and well, freezing pipes. I'm from Australia for God sakes, what the hell are the implications for freezing pipes?! Okay, so I'm not that dumb, I can actually figure it out. But the concept of the letter just amused me greatly. I did in fact laugh out loud at it.

Keeping my busy this past month, the one that has flown by which I think was the month of November, was NaNoWriMo. Yep, I won yay! I actually came up with 50,020 words in 27 days which is nice and quite close to my record for my first winning year back in 2007. However, unlike that first year, my entry this year is no where near as stunning and complete as it could be. Actually if I am honest, its a pile of dung! There is SO much wrong with it. But that's the point of NaNo -you just write, editing can come later on. Anyways, this year my piece is about a woman with Bipolar. Actually I'm not even clear if it is Bipolar. Its in that ball park at least. So pretty much there is a murder in her workplace and unsure if she was capable of the actions or not, she flees. And so the bulk of the story is centred around driving and thinking and memories. There's the introduction of a second main character who much to my dismay never actually reaches his pull potential. Which indeed is something I can go back and fix, but the jerk was so sure of who he was before I started writing and now, well, he's just a let down. Point being, its two people on the road and what life have served them and what it might produce in the future.

I can hardly believe that December will knock on our doors tomorrow. Though if the stores around Croydon and indeed Greater London are anything to go by, Christmas has been here since the end of October. I can't fathom another month of it. But I like it, because it's a very pretty time of year. Depressing, yes, because the days are short and I'm sure the sun goes away on vacation, but it's also a magical time of year. I like London like this.

Crap, I've just looked at the time. Break is over! Get back to it!

Coming to terms

What a month it has been. I always tell myself I'm going to come and blog regularly, but for some reason I never quite get around to it. I suppose its because I spend most of my day sitting at a desk with a computer and I don't want to spend a whole lot of time outside of work doing the same. Which in itself is kinda of a lie, because my laptop is my television as well as a gateway to communication with everything in a pretty quick method. I suppose I've not found myself motivated enough to blog.

As I said, its been a hell of a month. I've been up very high, but I've also been down quite low. There are multiple factors in there, but they all stream into one main line of thought: I have not been happy. Not happy with work. Not happy with myself and not happy with the situation I now find myself in. I'm sure I'm not alone in those thoughts. I guess the main difference I now find clear is that in some regards I'm in a position to do something about it.

Life in Croydon is interesting in some ways, however, its also very lonely. There I said it: I've felt very lonesome of late. Isolated and far away from the people I want to be closest to. In various degrees. Most prominently is coming home to an empty house at night. I'm usually tired and niggly. But there is no one here to share that with. To share the cooking. The company. The books. The flat. The day to day living of life. There is no one there to curl up with last thing and night and no one to wake up smiling to the next morning. I'd assume a fair number of you have been there too. I guess I just hadn't realised just how much I was missing all that.

I've had a bit of a midlife crisis. Not that I'm midlife mind, so how about we call it a mid 20s crisis. In many ways I have lost a sense of direction and focus and substance. I'm not sure what my role in the world is. Again, I'm probably not alone in that. However, usually I'd dive head first into work and guides. But neither are an option at the moment. My work hours are not Guide unit friendly. However, I'm looking at making a change to that. Yes, that's right, I'm applying for work elsewhere. The job that seemed forever to arrive has become something I wish I could do without. If I am honest, there are days I just want to walk out. I want to scream. I want to break things, not that there is anything worth breaking mind you. Anyways, I hadn't wanted to go much beyond saying I'm looking for work elsewhere. I'm smart enough to know that in times such as they are, you don't go quitting a job before you find another, and I'm not the sort of person to start doing things half arsed simply because I am going soon.

So anyways I've been looking at other things to do in what little free time I have. There is a local group which looks after the wild open spaces in the area and cover conservation of both flora and fauna. They meet on a Sunday so I'm thinking that's going to be an option I like. It'll also give me reason to get out of bed on a Sunday morning!! In addition to that, I've discovered once again my love for reading. Its like meeting with an old friend. Its been quite lovely. And on top of that, November is fast approaching which as some of you know means that NaNoWriMo will once again enter the world of Rachael. I'm actually quite excited about it this year, like I was in my first year, and I actually think I've the brain power and creativity to go the distance again. I look forward to the challenge of it.

This past two weeks has been the Croydon Food Festival. There's been a few things going on, though I have missed most of it due to working. However, I've been able to have German Sausage (so very yummy) wander along North End and look at the various stalls around, see some chef action on a stage and today listened to a Tin Band which I know is the wrong term, but its the best way to describe it! There was a Caribbean Market on today, so there were lots of interesting food smells wafting through the air. I've been meaning to make use of the Food Festival discount card to try somewhere new to eat but as yet it hasn't happened. I can't see that it will.

Believe it or not I have the heating on this evening. Well I did have, I turned it off because I was getting quite hot! It was a typical autumn day here in South London and with all my windows opened, I returned to a very chilly flat. This might have also had something to do with the fact I was walking in the cold wind in just a t-shirt type top and I was cold to begin with. Anyways, I feel well assured that I won't freeze this winter unless I don't pay the gas bill and even then I'm told they can't turn it off for fear of people dying or something like that. I don't know. Not that I would let it get that far mind you. A part of me is contemplating opening a window just to cool down a little. Crazy I know.

I've been thinking about my Nonna a lot lately and how I miss her. I know I didn't see her as regularly as I should have done and I guess its now that I can't which makes me realise how much I should have. I don't know, it's weird. I'm not even sure what triggered it, but it makes me feel sad the way life turned out for her. There are so many questions I now have which I won't ever get answers to. In some ways I feel almost like she was a stranger. Which isn't true, but I guess her memory seems so far away now. Like most things really.

Lighten Up

Today I decided to lighten my hair a little. I'm sure in the sun it'll look like quite a lot, but in normal indoors, I doubt too many people will notice. Time will tell no doubt. Why lighten my hair? I'm not entirely sure to be honest! Looking back at various points over the years I've been most shades from blonde to black including a little blue and some purple too. Its quite funny actually (psycho analysing myself here) it seems to be something I do when I don't want to think about anything else. When things in life get hectic, or complicated or I just want out. Perhaps it is a form of transformation into someone else. Despite the fact that in reality I am still the same person. Hmmm, I wonder what a shrink would say?

Yes, I'm in a thoughtful mood. Goodness knows why because of late I feel like all I have done is think and it's keeping me up! Either that or it is the pain of my teeth. Which brings me to an update on that front. The dentist today was terrible. No, not really. I had forgotten just how much I hate going to the dentist, how it scares me and how I break out in a sweat and get really nervous. I think it goes back to that phobia I have of teeth. Anyway, next Friday I will have the top left hand wisdom tooth removed which as it happens has a hole in it which also explains the infection that is there. However, the bigger news is that I actually have to have my bottom wisdom teeth surgically removed at the hospital as apparently that's beyond the means of a dental practice. I don't care, I'm going to get knocked out and that's what matters. I'm sure it'll cost an arm and a leg but if it helps me sleep at night I am not going to complain! In saying that, I'm kinda scared about next Friday because chances are I'm not going to get knocked out for that one and suddenly everyone has felt inclined to tell me all their horror stories: I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THEM!!

The people next door moved out today. Just in case you wanted to know. Not that I knew them of course, it was just an observation that I made out my window as I was passing it.

This afternoon I venture to the Croydon Library. Yes I now know where it is and can compile my observation notes! Frankly as far as libraries go I wasn't overly impressed with the layout and there are no catalogue computers anywhere, or so it seemed. How on earth am I supposed to find out if they have a specific book or not?! Anyways, I wasn't able to join because I had no ID on me which confirms my address. Note to self, hurry up and get a UK drivers licence. That'll solve the ID problem.

My weekend, well what I have as a weekend, seems to be somewhat empty. Kinda the way my flat has felt this week. I've become very aware of how alone I am for some reason. I can't really place why, I just have. I need a couch. Maybe that will help. But back to the weekend. Saturday morning will be an insane one at work. I can see it now. Its all going to go horribly wrong and its all going to be my fault. I can hear it now. Suck it up Rachael. After that, well, home. And Sunday presents the option of going touring someplace in London. Though, that's yet to be confirmed. Technically I'll be a tag along, and there once would have been a time when my pride wouldn't have allowed that. But my pride is not keeping me company at the moment, so I'm ignoring it.

Right, I think I'm due for the next dose of painkillers. Bring it on! Hmmm, that and dinner I think. Oh and maybe some CSI watching, but maybe that should wait until after dinner . . . LOL!