Friday

Just to point out the obvious, you know. As I'm good at that. Thankfully it's the end of the week. Just a half day at work followed by a 3 hour International meeting. Then interviews for International tomorrow then a puppet show in the evening in Ballarat, cleaning on Sunday, Nancy arrives Monday!! It's gonna be busy. Crazy busy. But good. Hopefully.

Have been updating my Pax Blog, the one I am posting up old e-mails. Its pretty hard to figure out what to put and when and what to leave out. I mean there are some parts of e-mails which should remain unsaid and only known between sender and recipient. But I find it interesting to see what was going through my mind. Hilarious even.

I'm bored. I think I should do some work! What there is of it.

Tuesday Child . . . was it full of Grace?

Just for something different I thought I would write when I had nothing to complain about. Well I am sure if I really think about it I could complain. But generally speaking I'm feeling upbeat which certainly is a turn up for the books. I think that its got a lot to do with Fluid Retention. Okay so that's something maybe you didn't need to know about, but I went and got some pills to help it because I was finding my hands were swelling up something shocking and I was getting tummy cramps and yeah . . . anyways, I think it's working. I even feel up to going and doing the stairs again. Though admittedly I did not do all 12 floors today, just 8 of them. Phew!

Nancy arrive in less than a week, its all very exciting! There is lots going on and lots to show her and lots to get her to taste. It'll be really cool. The first week and a bit is pretty busy, in face the times not at work are busy! Fingers crossed this trip (she was last here in August) will have much better weather and if days of late are anything to go by, then it should be.

Guides. What can I say about Guides? It tired me out last night. Really, it did. Made me feel old. But I suddenly realised I have but 8 nights left. That's it. just 8 nights because there are two weeks of school holidays and a Monday without Guides because of the Melbourne Cup. Wholly crap that's scary. And sad. Because I like the kids, they're great and we've just got an influx of new girls and it's brought a new life into the group.

Well, I'm out of water and thirsty, so I should go and top up I suppose. Not that I am sure where the nearest water cooler is. The refurb on this floor has sent everything in a million different directions. I could endless complain about that, but I won't. Rather I'll just focus on the fact the floor will be a hell of a lot better at the end of it all!

Wedding Plans

How hard is it to keep people happy?!! Okay, that sounds a lot worse than it actually is. We've been engaged for about a month or so now, maybe more. We've talked about a two week time frame and the city in which we are to wed -or the legal equivalent in London. Beyond that, we know it will be an outdoor evening reception, simple, a little formal, but relaxed.

There will be a legal ceremony, no doubt at a registry office somewhere. There will be food. We even talked about clothing. I do not wish to have a white dress, but I'm not against the idea of a dress. Or a fitted suit. Unsure. I guess that will depend on my body shape as the date draws near!

However, it seems people want more details. More, More, MORE!! Like, what exact date? A definite location. What sort of wedding gifts do we want? What will we need? Oh my gosh!!! People, calm down! I thank you for your enthusiasm I really do, but until I get to London and can figure a few things out, there aren't going to be confirmed details!!

Oh, and we want happy flowers. Oh and not traditional fruit cake with think icing. No thanks!

There isn't even talk of a honeymoon, goodness me! How will we survive! We plan to have invitations, we plan to design our own and have them printed while in the USA over Christmas, New Year and into Feb. That way we can send the same invite to everyone, make it personal and hopefully keep people happy!

I sound so ungrateful. I am not, honest, in fact I'm actually rather flattered that people care so much. Its a new experience, believe me! I just . . . I don't know, I can't give people the answers they want right now and there is no sign of being able to to that any time soon.

Culture, yup that's what its about!

The weekend has made me think about a few things. One of my issues comes down to culture. For the longest time I felt like I was being a snob. Like I felt so much better than everyone else and I hated that feeling. The Australian Culture has a core of mateship. Yes, I love that. But coating that core is the layer which creates the unspoken law that to go out and have a good time, you need to go to a pub and get pissed. That I do not like. Its all about pubs and clubs. About how much you can drink and who you can snog.

I hate it. I want so much more than that, but the quest to find it has become futile. The few friends I did have who were not into that, have vanished off into their own lives. I almost feel like a stranded island. I understand so much more now why I found it hard to make friends in high school. Like good friends. Genuine friends. Friends with whom you say more than a passing hello to. You know their life. They know yours, and yet its not invasive. For the longest time I thought I had that, I thought I was as happy as I could be. But soon I saw different.

People ask me why I am leaving Australia? Why leave behind an awesome country? Deep down I don't feel that it is all that awesome. And perhaps it comes down to culture. The Australian Culture is not my culture. Its not what I want. Its not who I am. I don't want to settle for boganism. I want to pronounce words correctly, not be excited by the fact that Kmart and Safeway are in multiple states. I don't want a life that's about drinking on a Friday night, about being plastered or paralytic.

I am only partly Australian. Some things I am proud of, others I am not.

Spring

At last it is here! Not that it much matters really. As I sit here at my desk, the most I can still see are walls and desks and doors. I suppose it means I can let my imagination run a little wild and now picture sunlight outside. Which makes a nice change.

The refurb has started at work. I feel like there are people everywhere. Boxes in places that they shouldn't be, items that should be somewhere, but aren't. Trolleys and walls and dust and thuds and noise. I am sure once it is all done and completed it'll look nice. In the interum, it means we get to see the change over as it occurs. Or something like that. All I know is that its going to be bloody insane while this all goes on. Goodness me.

Its moments like this I am glad of the little SOAR reunion on Friday. Yep five nights in Sydney to catch up with Lauren, Carolyn and Kacey. It's gonna be good fun! It's been seven years since SOAR and lots has been going on and changed and yeah, it'll be good. I actually need to figure out how I will get out to the hotel, and I also need to call Kacey. I need to make a list!

OMG!!! OCD! OCD!! Quick, where is the CPS group?!

Blah

Is how I feel right now. Starting day 5 of being completely out of action with something that started as a sinus infection which I now think has become a chest infection. It's horrible. When I breathe I sound like a old person with emphasaemia. It's just horrid. I feel like crap. Pretty much, that's it. Crap. Arghh!! I'm supposed to be going to Sydney on Friday. I have to get better!!

It's now official. There are less than 100 days left until we leave Australia. Its rather exciting. We're getting our plans together for three months in the US, mainly the big road trip from LA to Richmond, KY. It's all rather exciting. I then need to start getting things together to start applying for jobs in London. I estimate the Pax OA position comes up in March assuming the person in the current role doesn't stay on. I'd like to apply for that. But I also want to apply for Scotland Yard or The Met in an admin role. Ideally Pax would work. It would give me 12 months of income without to much out going costs which certainly is a very good thing! Alas in saying that, I don't just assume I would get it. Because I know it's a big world out there.

But yes, things are happening.

Today being the 1st of September I should be starting Spring into Summer at the gym. Somehow I can't see that taking off at great speed for me right now!! Not the way I feel. . .

Resignation

That's it! I did! It's done!! The letter of Resignation from Victoria Police is now handed in and making it's way through the chair of command like a row of dominoes falling one by one. Okay, perhaps not that drastic and not that amusing. Still, it's moving. I cannot tell you how nice yet weird this feeling is. It's going to end! Oh joy! I'll leave this work place's woes for that of another, but there will be a three month holiday in there! Woot Woot! However, it also makes things a lot more final. I've got just over three months to get finances in line, book a ticket, find a mover, sort out my last week (this will be vital to helping things run smooth) and a whole bunch of other things that right now are just clogging up the thought processed.

And I still want to do NaNoWriMo in there?! I keep telling myself it'll be a good focus, but I don't know. Maybe I'm just being insane!

I was talking to a good, old, almost lost friend. It's complicated. There is a history there. Good and bad and some self inflicted and some not. Anyways, we were talking about marriage (which I am embarking on, oh my gosh!) and kids and a few other serious things as one does when one reaches their mid 20's. And well, I want to go back to the kids idea and pose a question:

Does it really matter if there parents of each gender, parents of one gender or simply one parent?

Many years ago, the belief was that stable kids came from a stable home life with mum and dad. However, society has changed so much, the structure of family has changed so much that perhaps that ideal family isn't so much needed any more. A lot of people will argue that kids screwed up the most have come from split families or families of same gender persons in the parental role.

Having come from a split family myself, having known people who have had same gender parents and knowing people from that ideal family, I'd have to say that the most screwed up tend to be from the ideal family! I turned out quite well! And I mean, I dunno, would the concept of same gender parents be a problem? I mean as long as the child is loved and can source either female or male role models from other places (ie aunts. uncles, family friends etc) . . . I just, I can't personally see what the big deal is. I know people who would kill for a loving family, to have been better looked after as a child . . . and I know people who were given everything they could have wanted from that "ideal family" yet have turned out to be the most horrid and selfish people I know. So what gives?

That's my rant for the moment. And even then it's not a rant. Just a thought process I guess. Not that I am having kids any time soon either! Don't go getting the wrong idea! It was just something to think about that's all.

Oi -back to work. Back to archiving. Back to the cave.

Reflection

Canberra was cold. But then, that's Canberra! It even snowed which I have to admit I was pretty impressed by. It was a weekend of spending money, alcohol, drugs, sleeping, eating and driving. Well for most anyways! I was minus a few of those things (mainly drugs I might proudly add). What I did realise though is that I'm very happy with my life. I may lead a simple one and not party a lot nor have the best or first of everything, but I am happy. I am not trying to replace being lonely with monetary items.

Now I am back at work, back to the slog. Thats okay. I keep telling myself there are merely months to go and that's that. Being the start of August means no greencard, but also means plans are now conrete to go ahead and move to London. Which is exciting, I have to admit. Plus there is a wedding to plan for (as big or as small as we wish!) and well, just general excitement about being back in that part of the world.

Before then, Nancy will come. Before that I will be in Sydney for the mini SOAR reunion. And before that, I'll be in Bendigo for Zoe's wedding party. It's all happening, I tell you!

Seriousness

I looked at myself this morning before leaving for work and found myself looking at someone I didn't know. Not because I was a stranger and doing things I never thought were a part of my personality, but rather because I genuinely feel happy. I'm at a place I didn't see myself being at, certainly not now.

Erin and I are engaged. We will marry in the English summer of 2009 in London. There are still lots of plans to make, but most of those will have to wait until February or March to begin to be looked at. Its rather exciting I have to admit. I smile lots and people are very happy. Well, most anyways. I feel the people located furthest from me aer most happiest. I don't know, maybe I'd lost touch with life here a lot more than I thought I had. Not that it concerns me any, I'll be leaving soon and I have to tell you that's pretty awesome.

I'm highly surprised August is here. I'm not sure what happened to July. I know it felt like Maggie was here fleetingly (it was a whole month!) and I know that XF2 was released . . . but it can't be August all ready, can it? I mean winter will be over before you know it. Soon, Nancy will be here. Soon we will move. Soon I will leave for good. All in the space of months. In four months in fact. Four months and two days to be exact. And if July went by so quickly, well you get my drift.

Comfy Viewing

Have you ever been to see a movie in Gold Class? I now have! And talk about nice! Oh man! Nice, big reclining chairs which are big and puffy and comfy. And then the food. And the coffee which comes out towards the end of the movie . . . oh man!! I went for a second viewing of I Want To Believe last night and much enjoyed it. Because of the comfort but also because this time round I wasn't all hyped up and was able to focus a little more. Which was nice because I got to see all the things I missed the first time round.

All ready there is speculation for a third movie. Who knows, maybe that time round I'll be in London for the premier :-)

Maggie goes home tomorrow. I can't believe it! How fast has this month gone? Its almost like since we went up to Sydney that time has zoomed and now it's like almost all over. Insane! Its going to be weird not having her around, but nice as well. Not that's its been horrible having her here, not at all! But I guess having someone around makes you realise how much of a routine you have. And I was always bought up to believe you look after you guest as best as possible. So it's almost like a month of being on duty even though that wasn't expected of me! It's just a programmed thing I have happening!

The big news is that Sally has decided to quit from Pax Lodge. I have to admit, I saw it coming, just not so suddenly that's all. Should I go back and work there next year it will be just Grace and Heather there that I will know. Which is good because I really want to go back with a different perscpective in mind. I will approach it much differently and look forward to meeting a whole bunch of new people too. Anyways, that's all dependant on the "if" factor.

This weekend will be screening number 3 of IWTB and the weekend after that will be House Warming weeking with Lou up in Canberra! Yay!

Work to Rest

Its been a pretty full on weekend, some 10 hours of driving or perhaps even more! This is Maggie's las weekend in Australia so we jumped in the car on Saturday Morning and drove the length of the Great Ocean Road to the 12 Apostles. Then all the way back. It was pretty good and for the most part we were really lucky with the rain, it only seemed to pour down on the times we were driving between stops. What more could you ask for?!

On Sunday we decided to go down to Phillip Island and said the Penguin Parade which was pretty awesome. Kinda cold and not as many penguins as there is in the summer, but great none the less. I got a pal for Squeak, Squee is his name and he is very cute.

I'm trying to decide if I want to start putting up photos with my posts. Like one photo a post or something. I'm not sure, but maybe make a habit of it more so than not? Something additional to do I suppose, and sometimes a scene is easier to express in visuals rather than words.

Something is up with my body at the moment. Its just not happy about anything.

I Want To Believe -and Have!

So I had intended to write yesterday in the lead up to, the big anticipation of finally going to see XF2. It just didn't happen. For a few reasons, one was that I was jumpy and all over the place and the day simply didn't go quick enough. And also because I had work to do. And I may have had a glance at the LA Premier online for a while . . .

. . . Alas all has been revealed! Sort of. In true X-Files tradition there are questions left unanswered, but not as many as their could have been. Overall the movie has sort of left me half half in the sense that I wasn't expecting what I saw. It was both reassuring and different. Like going home to family and friends after a long time away. It was odd. But all very good!

It was nice to see that the corny humour and one liners were still around, still nice to see old faces and also quite nice to have Mark Snow back creating that creepy kinda atmosphere. For the most part its what long time fans wanted, but also a new spin on things, just enough to pull in a new fan base some 10 years since the show started. It may even be more now, who knows.

However, what I wasn't expect was such a strong story line on the whole priest pedophile thing. Is it any wonder the movie has had like no PR in the lead up to the release, especially since Worth Youth Day was last week and that very subject was one discussed with the Pope.

My overall rating. I'd say about a 9 or a 9.5 out of 10. It's nice to have fresh material, even if it isn't new ground :-) And yay for the shippy moments too!

Being Back

Talk about difference in weather. Sydney was glorious. Melbroune is drab. Ha! But it is nice to be "home" as such, be back in my own house with my own bed and my own things and my own shower, toilet, kitchen and my car! Oh how I missed and worried about my car! Alas, I was quite happy when I get back to the airport carpark and found her still sitting there. December will be gut wrenching for me!

So. Sydney. We saw lots, ate lots and saw lots and lots and lots of people! Oh we even took a day trip out to the Blue Mountains which was better than I feared, though the driver left a lot to be desired for. Not that his driving was bad, rather I just wish he hadn't spoke so much and tried not to be so "Okka Aussie". Drove me mad after a while. Very soon. The highlight of that day was the evening. We missed the ferry we were supposed to get, however, it got us back into the Harbour after dark and it was so totally worth it! It was stunning to see the city all lit up and go under the bridge and yeah, awesome.

Now it's back to the real world. Back to work and guides and laundry and bills. Sighs. Oh wells, as Ned Kelly said, Such is Life, or at least I think it was he who said it. . .

World Youth Day

Oh my gosh, it's so insane! I'm in Sydney at the moment with Erin and Maggie playing tourists. And well on my part the planning was bad. There are people all over the place. Seriously. Packed. But for their luck and ours, the weather has been simply glorious, in fact, I even caught a little sun today.

We went all around the place. First to the Opera House, then walked across the Sydney Harbour Bridge. From there was a ferry from the North Shore round to Darling harbour for lunch, then on the Monorail to Hyde Park, the Australia Musuem and then back to where we are staying for yet another night in. That's going to do my head in. In saying that, it's been fun.

Fickle -The Word of the Day

I've decided if I were to turn into a word, it would be Fickle because right now that's what I feel surging through my body. Fickle. Or Fickleness, if that's even a word. Lots is Fickle right now. Lots is changing which makes things even more Fickle. Or it feels like lots is changing, thus I guess lots will become Fickle. I highly doubt that is making any sense to anyone other than myself and even then I'm not sure that it makes sense, as such.

Let's start over.

I'm in an odd mood today. Or was. Then I just got really made again, and decided I'm back to really badly wanting to quit my job. I really badly can feel that I'm now no longer getting anything out of this and am feeling of no use to anyone. More than anything I am so over being treated like a piece of poop and being on the receiving end of frustrations simply because I am the lowly admin person. My new side kick seemed as appalled as I was about it. I told her it's all a part of our role. Not to take those things personally, even if they are point blankly directed at us. Needless to say she's said no more about the matter. I so hate this job. I really do.

Relationships are also a fickle thing. Friendships, romances, accquaintances. I'm telling I feel like Bass Straight has suddenly overflowed and is whole heartedly intending to drown me. Gosh darn it! I want life to be simple again!

Maggie is over at the moment so we've been busy playing host, working, guiding gyming and just trying to sleep every once in a while. Having a guest in the house suddenly points out just how routine and home body like we are. In saying that, I don't imply we are a pair of recluses. Just set in our ways that's all. And it's really sort of boring to an outside person no doubt!

I just . . . I don't know. Sometimes I feel like a stranger in my own life. It's almost like I leap out of my body and suddenly find myself questioning if this is who I am and if I'm leading my life in the right direction. I should imagine a lot of people find themselves asking the same thing. But still, it doesn't make the though any less alarming. I assumed I was doing what I wanted to do. Though right now I feel like I am stuck in a bogg, can see the distant shore but also know I am getting no closer to it. What the hell is that about?!

There is a nice new shining ring on my finger. It's a rather odd thing to wear. I don't say that in a bad way. But it feels different to how I thought it would feel, not that I could describe how I thought it would feel in the first place. Not that I've ever thought of straying, I have very stong feelings about that. But it's almost like now I totally can't. Not that I want to! It's odd. I am looking at things in a very odd way today. Maybe there was something in my tea. Or maybe it was the stale cornflakes, I do not know.

Have to admit I am both excited about and dreading the arrival of Thursday. Sydney. Normally it would be fine, but the more and more I read about World Youth Day, the more nervous I become. I can't believe of all weekends I choose for us to fly up there, that's the one. Good grief.

Mmmm Ice -Cream

I totally want ice-cream right now! I think some real good, rich chocolate would do the trick!

It's been a busy few days. Maggie has arrived, I've eaten out like a heap of times (tends to be that case around birthdays) and well, there's work and we're a KOB show tomorrow and it's all just sort of crazy. But not totally crazy. I've also been trying to cram in the gym which has fallen by the way side in rescent times which is a bad thing.

Winter is in full force in Melbourne now. Shouldn't have expected much less really, but its cold and blustery and rainy and the fog has been quite hilarious in some respects because its been hiding a lot of the buildings in the city.

It's just over a week before XF2 premiers. Totally pumped for that! I tried to win a midnight screening tickets but failed dismally. So I'll head out to see it on the 24th like everyone else. But it's almost here!!

Yummy Morning

Happy Birthday to me!!

Have you ever noticed how much better a Grande Caramel Macchiato and chocolate crossant taste on your special day?? I have, yum yum!

I have the Wicked soundtrack, it's so brilliant and all I've been singing of late.

July beings the mid 20s

First and most pertanent of questions floats from your mouth. How was the Opera? Well let me put it this way. I left after the first act. About 45 minutes in and I'd had enough so I bid farewell to Erin and Maggie and left for the freedom of the street. Goodness me! Remind me never to try attempt Opera again. I'm sure it's only really mild and I'm sure that the show maybe got better, but I can't deal with people singing at me like that! And no it's not like a musical! Those are fun! Those you can understand, those don't recite the same lines over and over again! But in saying that, it was an experience and I can now say I've seen live Opera, even if it is only a little bit.

This week brings me face to face with an age crisis. I'm entering my mid 20s. I'm leaving my early 20s behind (which have been really great years I might add) and am entering the settling phase of my life. Apparently. Anyways, it promises to be a busy week with dinner and gym and guides and sight seeing and yeah, busy. I don't feel like it's near my birthday in the same way I usually do. Maybe that's a side effect of getting older. Who knows. Not that I am ancient yet mind you.

I Want To Believe premiers so very soon! In like 17 days! It's rather exciting I have to admit, I'm very much looking forward to seeing it. Which reminds me, I really need to go put Triple M on to listen, they're giving away preview tickets for a midnight screening. Must go!

Mixed Emotions

They're such complicated things, emotions. You can feel any number of them at once and it's like different parts of you are split into different segments and are arguing with themselves. I guess that's what it feels like to have multiple personalities, only I'm not sure the person is aware that they have multiple personalities.

Anyways, here's a run down of it all. Firstly, and foremost, I'm excited. Maggie arrives tomorrow morning. July has arrived ever so quickly! So there will be lots to do and see and Erin will be very happy for some time because she'll have a little slice of home here and I know its going to make her smile unlike she's smiled in a long time. But on the flip side to that, I know that when Maggie goes she's going to be all sad and depressed and really homesick. So that in turn makes me feel bad. It's such a bittersweet situation.

Next in line comes guilt. And well, for a lot of reasons. Mainly because we're have the first screw up of KOB shows and even though its not my fault, I still feel bad. Way back in May for the Guides Vic AGM we talked to a group of people about coming and performing for what I assuming is like a school holiday program, but only for a day. Because it was a work day, it would require us taking time off work. At that stage they were unsure if we were going to be suited. We were told they'd get back to us and let us know and I remember saying let us know ASAP so that we can arrange to get that day off work. Handed over some flyers and left it at that. Monday I get a phone call making sure we're still able to come on next Tuesday. Well of course I freak out over that, said that we had never confirmed that date and the caller said we had. I told them I'd see what I could do. So bottom line is we can't do that date as Erin can't get the day off work. She also agrees that we never confirmed the date and that someone was going to call us about it. So yeah, I feel bad about the whole thing because they now need to scramble to find something to fill in that time, but on the same token I know it's not my fault. Though I do feel bad. That's just me.

I'm also feeling a little guilty about moving OS. Not for anyone here, rather for Erin. Its going to mean that for a while we may have to have some time apart again. I'm not happy with that arrangement and neither is she, but there's not a lot we can do about it. She's just so scared about it and I think I'm mentally starting (even now) to prepare myself for that parting again, but she refuses point blank to even think about it. But knowing the sort of planning involved in this, it's something we need to think about now to make preparations. It's so hard.

Then comes the exhaustion. I do simply just feel tired all the time. Like I"m constantly on the go. Work is busy. Guides seems to be becoming more and more a burden and Kids on the Block is sort of stagnent in a busy kind of way. I'm trying to cram the gym in there, and when I don't get there, feel guitly about that as well.

Stressing about money. About family. About friends. About the future.

Classic candidate for a nervous breakdown, what do you think?! Lol, it's not that bad, its really just a whole bunch of stuff having a party in my head. It just all gets a bit too much sometimes and I can't turn the music down. I'm sure it'll all pan out fine.

The Marriage of Figaro is on Saturday night. I've never been to Opera before. Gosh I hope I like it!

A WICKED Night

Finally the night to see Wicked arrived! And oh my GOSH!! It was totally wonderful and beat the expectations I had for it, simply it blew me away and soooo worth the wait.

It was a nice night, Dinner at Wagamamas, then a stop for Trampoline ice-cream (ohhh so yummy) then a cup of Starbucks and then to the theatre. I've never been to Regents Theatre before and inside was simply beautiful, such detail and grace and just -wow. Anyways, I wanted an Ozmopolitan (basically a green cocktail and in a green glowing glass, very cool!) but waited until interval because Erin said I should. So I did. But I was very excitable.

Bought a copy of the Programme and was happily reading away and I discovered that the Lead for Elphaba was actually one of the original cast members for We Will Rock You in London, how awesome is that?!! Anyways, we ended up with the understudy for Elphaba as I guess the first night would have been the lead. Anyways, she was brilliant. Just incredible and talented and amazing. The whole cast was. The whole show was.

Better still for the most part if kept relatively close to the book which is great. Yeah, wow, fantastic, so worth waiting like nearly two years to see it. In addition to that, I came to realise just how much I miss going to the Theatre. I really do. It almost reduced me to tears. Its an incredible thing. I miss Theatre, and I miss going often, but its just so expensive here!

Road Trippin

I'm reading a book at the moment by Bill Bryson and it's called The Lost Continent. Basically its about his experiences road tripping across America. Having done a good deal of this myself, I can actually relate to a lot of what he writes. Its all quite humerous! However, the point I wanted to make was that America really is quite a diverse place and the country changes ever so quickly from state to state. I mean we're talking a matter of miles here. You can cross the boarder into a neighbouring state and it's like being in a brand new country. People change, buildings, roads, foods it's really incredible.

If any one of you reading this are thinking about going to America for a holiday, seriously, drive it. Okay you may not fit in many major cities if you're going East to West or West to East, but even then I suppose you won't catch that many going North to South or South to North... point being that you can really see what small town America is like. I've loved it and am looking forward to the next one in December. This one will start in Los Angeles, California and take me to Richmond, Kentucky, going via Vagas, El Paso, Dallas, Atlanta and so on and so forth. We're going across the South and I have to admit I'm really excited about it! Of course there will be Disneyland at the start of it (who can't get excited about that).

Yay!

Appriciation

That's not true, I want to retract that comment. I have not lost myself. I just find myself in a work place where I no longer feel I am of any use to the people here. I feel that I can't help, I can't get any joy out of the job like I used to. This whole copier/stores thing has become a right pain. I work my ass off for these people, busting my butt to go above and beyond. But the second something goes wrong (usually through a third party and of no doing of my own) I'm the worst in the world and crap at my job. I'm tired of other people having a go at me because of things other people have done. When things go missing, or stop working or people don't show up -it's always my fault. People take it out on me and I am so over it. I just don't feel that I'm any good here any more.

At the moment my desktop background is a photo from my window at Pax Lodge. So it shows the front lawn, drive and road out onto the street. Its actually kind of nice. Most importantly though it reminds me of a time when I felt I was achieving something. I felt like the work and effort I put in was appriciated. Yes it was an office job and yes at times I just wanted to break out of the bubble, but people really honestly thanked me for the work I did for them. I'm not asking for certificates or parties or anything, but a simple thank you once in a while would be nice. It just seems that phrase is not in the vocab of people in this building.

No wonder I wanted to quite. I think deep down I still do.

Customer Service

Or lack there of should be the title. It really pisses me off. I mean these days, seriously, no one really cares about giving good customer service and going above and beyond the call of duty. I've always been one of those people. If you're going to help someone, do it properly. Do our jobs well! Doreen would be proud. Anyways, it seems that there is a breed of non-customer friendly people. No one returns calls. No one wants to help even if you've spoken to someone else. They'd rather leave you hanging by a thread waiting and waiting and waiting for help. Our photocopier/printer/fax machine has been out since Thursday. The piece of crap and poor excuse of technology that it is seems to be more trouble than it's worth. However, the service call that was put in at 2pm on Thursday has still not been given and it's now 10L45am on Tuesday. Call after call I have made to no avail. Argh! And then there is the stationary company. Don't even start me on those dumbasses. Seriously. It just bugs the crap out of me. And then there are the new generation of admin staff in this building. Gone are the days of a Chris, or Jan or Zoe. Melanie and I are a dying breed in this place, we are the last of the old admin staff who actually gave a damn about their work, about the members we serve and the role we play.

However in thinking that, I realise that now days, I really hate my job. I can remember when I used to beam about it. I used to think I was worth something in this organisation, this squad this floor this building. But alas thats not the case. I find myself not caring. And it's because of other people which is a really bad thing because I never used to let other people influence my manner of thinking. But it's happened. Am I losing myself?

Beep Beep Beeeeep!

No that's not a car horn. Nor a bee nor any other kinda of beetle having a psycho half hour. Of seconds, either way. I just couldn't think up a title for my post. I'm aiming to have a different one each time, we'll see how that goes. Eventually I'm sure I'll miss-mindedly (is that even a word?) use the same post title twice. I so need a life.

The weekend was relatively quiet. Which was good. Friday even I suffered the tail end of an old day and felt like I was about 100. Haven't felt like that in a very long time. It crippled me and I did not move. What resulted was a quiet weekend indeed, spent mainly at home minus the trip to a farmers market on Saturday morning. The arvo was spent doing Guide stuff and watching TV and playing cards. Very riviting stuff.

Also the was the onset of a relationship break up. Not my own, do not worry, though that's not without stresses, it's someone else. A good pal who is overseas and whose relationship has been going as long as my own. It's sad, but then I do not know everything and people split for their own reasons. Well, they're on a break, but I'm thinking the break might be a permanent arrangement. Which is sad. But it happens. Its just hard being of any use so very far away.

That will change in Feb no doubt. I'll be a lot closer to the life I want, well closer than I am here at least. In some ways.

Marking Time

Compared to the last few days, I don't feel any worse. I have to admit I'm not sure I feel much better, but not worse and that's the good thing. Mind you, my body is SO sore right now it's not funny. A whole hour of PT at the gym last night and it was hard work man! That and I didn't sleep all that well and have woken up with a stiff neck. Maybe my chiro appointment this afternoon will help sort that our a little. He's pretty good is Roy, and funny too.

I made a decision about the whole cert IV in Small business management. I'm gonna pass. Not because I don't think I can do it (because at one point in my life that would have been the reason) rather I don't think the timing is right. I have a fair few expenses coming up in the next few months and I just sort of feel at this point in time the money can be better spent there. In saying that, where ever I settle next year (likely to be London) I can pick the course up via correspondence there which might be better in the long run. So I'm not saying no completely, just putting it off for a short while that's all.

Have found a new crime author I really enjoy reading and better still, there are no make out scenes in them! Argh that's one thing that really bugs me about some crime writers -the main character always has to get laid. I mean come on people its about crime and solving crimes! Anyways, Willian Kent Kruger or something along those lines, is the fellow I've stumbled upon simply because I liked the cover of his book Thunder Bay. Funnily enough I've found a few good books that way! But I like his style and pace and just how different it feels to read his books. Its a nice change I have to admit.

The television is a right pain in the butt at the moment. There is like NOTHING on TV. Though I am happy that they've finally put the new episodes of Numbers on again. It took them long enough! Because of the lack of entertainment on the box (when I've time and patience to watch it) I've started watching Friends. It was never a show a got into while it was all popular, in fact I never even watched an episode. However lately I've been catching a few when I get home from the gym and it's just kinda hooked me in. I love how mind numbing it is, yet funny at the same time. I am so like Joey. Seriously, I am. That's me. And I've taken up saying "how you doin". Dear me. That's all I need.

Ohh exciting times ahead today. It's pay day (not that it matters all that much) which means grocery shopping this evening and Noodle Box. Oh yay! Hold me back! The Excitement is just too much for me!

Ponderings and News

Okay so it's been a pretty crappy fews days. I've lost a pal and come to realised that right here in this country I have enough people on my hand to count that I care about. That's it. I've been questioning my return to the country, wondering if at all in the long run it was really worth it. So I've been depressed. Really, I have. I'll admit it. Trying for a long time to ignore the fact I don't have a life here, rather just an existance. Now I've also put a date to a departure from here at the end of the year. Either the 6th or 7th of December. Less than six months to go.

Of late I've been putting some thought into registering a tradmark name and starting my own business. Photography of course, cards, framed and mounted, portraits for grads and weddings. I could do it. I'd enjoy it. I'd need a super cool camera, but even without that I'm willing to admit without feeling big headed that I do have some talent. And that's a start. So I was looking into a Cert IV in Business Management to get myself set up with some skills to figure out how the hell I am going to do this. The next few days will tell.

This morning was the last session of Wednesday Bootcamp. Yes indeed we measured up against our times and efforts from the very first session some 8 weeks ago. Or maybe it's 7. Not sure. Either way, I topped everything and my greatest claim to fame is shaving 1min and 10sec off my running time. Totally pumped about that. I really am. I screamed great joy when I heard the time. Lucky very few people were around lol.

Feeling Dejected

Right now I just feel so disconnected. Like something is off balance and nothing seems to be going right. Not so much in the physical world because in the bigger picture it's actually quite fine. More so it seems to be an inner disconnection. There are a couple of people at the moment (spread across the globe as it would happen, so no easy fix) which seem to have taken something I said the wrong way. Three seperate issues, each leaving me feel like I'm the worst person in the world. One in particular is playing on my mind.

The weekend saw me catch up with an old friend, who used to be a really good friend. Like many things I've discovered since my return, it takes a process or re-learning and re-discovering things. Mainly because I have changed. And the people involved have changed which is to be expected in such a large gap of time. So I'm faced with getting to know people again. And in all innocence I asked this friend why she was with her partner. It seems like it was the wrong thing to do and now both might be mad at me. I dunno, I thought it was a pretty logical question in fact a question I know I've asked other friends in the past. It's something I thought people would ask me because it's a part of knowing who this person I now am is. But no one has asked me. So I'm left wondering if maybe I shouldn't have asked it. I don't know. All I do know is that it's left a bad taste in my mouth and I hate it.

It leaves me wondering just what it is I am sticking around here for.

Too much has happened and changed and even stayed the same. For the most part I've been putting in a heap of effort to get to know people again, more than I feel I probably should compared to (in my opinion) what other have done towards me. I just feel like people in general have just assumed that I'm the same person who left the country some years ago. And it bugs the crap out of me. How much of my life here is left to hold onto? Seriously, I doubt that my leaving at the end of the year is going to have any impact on anyone (at least here in Australia) other than a few select members of my family, and even then I think I can count four. What the hell has made me stay put for so long? If anything, I should have just stayed away because it's been becoming increasingly clear that no one gives a damn. Which hurts, it really does because I felt like I put so much effort into maintaining relationships with people. Why should I bother? Because I care? Well look where caring has got me. No where. Just miserable.

Sniffles

That sounds like a cute name for a fluffy dog! Alas it is not, we do not have a pet and have no plans to get one in the near future. Which is a shame. I miss having pets. Rather it is a reference to a noise and action which has played a large part in my life in the past four days. Damn you winter!

However, I'm feeling much better now and after having missed bootcamp on Saturday morning am like totally kicking myself for losing such a perfect record. Darn it! Believe it or not, this is the last week, just two more sessions to go. Wednesday morning I plan to slash lots of time off my first run. Or at least some time. That's the hope and aim. We'll see how it goes.

The weekend was relatively quiet, did nothing much other than watch TV, play card games, drive a little and have dinner with a pal I have not seen for close to three years. She and her partner and another pal. What an evening it was. For me it was nice to catch up, but on the same token it also opened my eyes to a few things and allows me to see that perhaps some perspectives have been over looked. I didn't know a friend of mine could be so cruel. That is about the only way I can put it. And it's sad. Really it is.

I'm still at work and still cheesed about things going on, but in the long run it's probably best if I stay put. Trust me, if I could quit tomorrow I would. But in the long run where I want to be might mean a little sacrifice in the interum. Sounds like the story of my life really. Okay, well at least some parts of it.

Not sure if I mentioned the prospect of mum going through divorce number three. I'm not really sure where that's all at, but I just wish that it had worked out you know? I dunno. There's a history there and for once it would have been nice to see her settled and happy. Not meant to be I guess. Its kinda crazy really.

Numb Bum

I do, I have, its sore. And one should think so! After spending close to six years not having riden a bike, the 31kms (close to 20 miles) I did on Sunday has left a lasting impression. Literally every time I sit, stand and walk. I almost feel like John Wayne. Seriously. It's not funny! I suppose it makes up for missing Bootcamp on Saturday morning. I was doing so well! Stupid me thought I had set my alarm and I hadn't. I can't tell you how pissed I was!

Its been a rather eventful Queen's Birthday Weekend. Aside from the bike ride, visiting a cool book warehouse and getting some good books, there was also an issue with electricity, Erin being sick and me being addicted to a new card game. Also in there was a mini-friends Marathon, a movie about a control freak and her gay housemate and some interesting food ideas. Life is never dull.

Movements

There is going to be a lot of shifting and changing and flying and packing over the next few months. Calm down, I didn't get my greencard (or at least that I know of) and even then I'm only talking about the next two or three months. Not six.

Firstly, Maggie is coming over from the US, yay! We're going up to Sydney for that. Then in September Nancy is coming back to Australia which is very exciting also. She'd like to go to Canberra. I can think of a dozen other places much cooler and entertaining and interesting. BUT that's where she wants to go so that's where we shall go.

Also comes the news that my mum and Phil are getting divorced. Just seven months into marriage it's not working, thus they are splitting. In addition to that news comes the fact that mum will move back to Tassie to be with family. For me this brings up a whole lot of other questions and what ifs and I wonder whys. Alas I guess in time we shall see. I stopped caring so much a long time ago. I need to put that energy into making my own life work.

Lots going on. As always. Life is not still. On the subject of still, I'm still at my job, though other issues have come to light that are rather unfair. I don't really want to go into too much detail, but I've come to realise that I might not be the only person with my eye on my position. It would seem that a relative of a boss may be next in line. Who knows. As long as I get another six months out of this job, I'm sure it will be fine. Unless something better comes along in the mean time.

Gym and weight loss and measurements are all over the place. Overall it's all a loss. But my body is doing weird things right now and its both interesting and disturbing all at the same time.