Coming to terms

What a month it has been. I always tell myself I'm going to come and blog regularly, but for some reason I never quite get around to it. I suppose its because I spend most of my day sitting at a desk with a computer and I don't want to spend a whole lot of time outside of work doing the same. Which in itself is kinda of a lie, because my laptop is my television as well as a gateway to communication with everything in a pretty quick method. I suppose I've not found myself motivated enough to blog.

As I said, its been a hell of a month. I've been up very high, but I've also been down quite low. There are multiple factors in there, but they all stream into one main line of thought: I have not been happy. Not happy with work. Not happy with myself and not happy with the situation I now find myself in. I'm sure I'm not alone in those thoughts. I guess the main difference I now find clear is that in some regards I'm in a position to do something about it.

Life in Croydon is interesting in some ways, however, its also very lonely. There I said it: I've felt very lonesome of late. Isolated and far away from the people I want to be closest to. In various degrees. Most prominently is coming home to an empty house at night. I'm usually tired and niggly. But there is no one here to share that with. To share the cooking. The company. The books. The flat. The day to day living of life. There is no one there to curl up with last thing and night and no one to wake up smiling to the next morning. I'd assume a fair number of you have been there too. I guess I just hadn't realised just how much I was missing all that.

I've had a bit of a midlife crisis. Not that I'm midlife mind, so how about we call it a mid 20s crisis. In many ways I have lost a sense of direction and focus and substance. I'm not sure what my role in the world is. Again, I'm probably not alone in that. However, usually I'd dive head first into work and guides. But neither are an option at the moment. My work hours are not Guide unit friendly. However, I'm looking at making a change to that. Yes, that's right, I'm applying for work elsewhere. The job that seemed forever to arrive has become something I wish I could do without. If I am honest, there are days I just want to walk out. I want to scream. I want to break things, not that there is anything worth breaking mind you. Anyways, I hadn't wanted to go much beyond saying I'm looking for work elsewhere. I'm smart enough to know that in times such as they are, you don't go quitting a job before you find another, and I'm not the sort of person to start doing things half arsed simply because I am going soon.

So anyways I've been looking at other things to do in what little free time I have. There is a local group which looks after the wild open spaces in the area and cover conservation of both flora and fauna. They meet on a Sunday so I'm thinking that's going to be an option I like. It'll also give me reason to get out of bed on a Sunday morning!! In addition to that, I've discovered once again my love for reading. Its like meeting with an old friend. Its been quite lovely. And on top of that, November is fast approaching which as some of you know means that NaNoWriMo will once again enter the world of Rachael. I'm actually quite excited about it this year, like I was in my first year, and I actually think I've the brain power and creativity to go the distance again. I look forward to the challenge of it.

This past two weeks has been the Croydon Food Festival. There's been a few things going on, though I have missed most of it due to working. However, I've been able to have German Sausage (so very yummy) wander along North End and look at the various stalls around, see some chef action on a stage and today listened to a Tin Band which I know is the wrong term, but its the best way to describe it! There was a Caribbean Market on today, so there were lots of interesting food smells wafting through the air. I've been meaning to make use of the Food Festival discount card to try somewhere new to eat but as yet it hasn't happened. I can't see that it will.

Believe it or not I have the heating on this evening. Well I did have, I turned it off because I was getting quite hot! It was a typical autumn day here in South London and with all my windows opened, I returned to a very chilly flat. This might have also had something to do with the fact I was walking in the cold wind in just a t-shirt type top and I was cold to begin with. Anyways, I feel well assured that I won't freeze this winter unless I don't pay the gas bill and even then I'm told they can't turn it off for fear of people dying or something like that. I don't know. Not that I would let it get that far mind you. A part of me is contemplating opening a window just to cool down a little. Crazy I know.

I've been thinking about my Nonna a lot lately and how I miss her. I know I didn't see her as regularly as I should have done and I guess its now that I can't which makes me realise how much I should have. I don't know, it's weird. I'm not even sure what triggered it, but it makes me feel sad the way life turned out for her. There are so many questions I now have which I won't ever get answers to. In some ways I feel almost like she was a stranger. Which isn't true, but I guess her memory seems so far away now. Like most things really.