Working, is it?

Something which has astounded me this past week is just how out of touch I have been with things. The past few months have been tough, which is both known and understandable. But the scary part is how self aware I was. The answer, not very. Communication via many means has been at an all time low. Days blurred into weeks simply by sleeping, eating and working. Sleeping too little, eating too much and working away at a job which has consumed my soul. That's about the best way I can put it.

Lets get one thing clear. I am grateful for a wage, its been better than nothing, though the reality is that I live month to month. Barely. But I live. I'm also incredibly lucky to have worked with the dwindling team that I have. I certainly have no gripes about them. Nothing beyond normal. In fact, should they know it or not, in some ways each of them has played a role in supporting me. And it's this which I've realised has become a problem. My key issue is that I am far too loyal. I don't mean to say that big headedly (is that even a word?). In fact some of you have openly told me that its a flaw of mine. And I'm starting to see why.

Right now I'm caught between being the loyal person I am, and being selfish and careless enough to want to walk away. Bottom line is I won't because I'm not that stupid to put myself in a situation not to have a wage. For those of you who know me and know me well, I can be a passionate person. I've always been a hard worker and I've always been lucky enough to work with and for, people who value that.

I've become aware of how far away from that person I have become. I've come to realise that my current employment situation has not only worn down my working spirit and ethic, but my expectations as well. Frankly, I don't want to do anything. And why should I? That seems to have become my attitude and I HATE that. I've never been against a lot of hard work for little in return. But the difference has always been that it's been worth it. My current job, is not.

Yesterday afternoon I sat on the North End here in Croydon. And can I say, there are far too many pubs in Croydon, make of that what you will. As the sun lowered in the sky, I watched people walk by. I started to think about how life is going to get so much better and that the promise of the life I want is much stronger now. How the blockage has gone. Which is ironic really, because we talk about blockages at work, though we actually use a different term. The irony is that work itself has become a blockage. I need to get out, I need to save whatever remains of my former working self before it too is gone. But on the flip side, I don't want to let anyone down.

I guess in some ways I should have seen this coming. Stupidly I turned down a job just before Christmas. It really didn't pay too much more than I was earning. At the time there were great discussions with the powers that be about how things were going to get better. Its now six months later and I actually believe things are a damn sight worse. All I could think about yesterday was that how maybe I'd missed my chance at Christmas, my chance to escape and move on. Now I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.

When talking to Erin about how brilliant it is that she's finally going to be able to get here (and it totally is, in case you've not gotten that yet!!) she said that it didn't solve all my problems. I laughingly said it didn't matter, it would make them better able to be handled. In part I was right, but in part so was she. In fact I think having one part of my life go right and free up some of the consciousness, it's made me more aware of other areas that are lacking and wrong.

Yes, I am a believer in things happening for a reason. However if I reflect over the past 12 months, I can't quite figure out the benefits of taking on this job. Aside from saving me from more months of unemployment. If we are to learn something from all things, all happenings in life, what the hell have I learned from this? And how has it been to my advantage?

The Wait is Over!

I've been crying. Yes indeed, I will admit it to the world, I sobbed and sobbed! Not tears of sadness, but joy, and more over, release. I hadn't quite realised how much I had been trying not to think about how I felt. And when you consider the level to which I was aware, the fact I'm aware of even more only begins to describe how things have been.

I'll be honest, this past week or so I'd all but convinced myself that life was going to drastically change for the worse. I'd been thinking about single life, about where to live and what to do. I had a third anxiety attack. It was all over and done with because I couldn't handle the waiting. It sounds silly really, but it's been a long 15 months apart with a brief, yet stressful, four days together. And yet today, June 17th, the news finally arrives that Erin's visa has been approved!

The love and support I have been given these past few but long months, has been amazing. Family, friends and my Phile Family have in both large and small ways continued to remind me that no matter what the outcome, people love me and will be there for me in any way that they can. To those who wrote letters of support for the Visa application. I thank you in more ways that I ever could. There were some beautiful words said, and know that they are treasured. To those who listened to me moan, complain, cry and yell, indeed all the spectrum of human emotion there are -I will in debt to you. It's not been easy putting up with me. But you have and you are still here. That means the world to me. I am sure I could keep listing. To everyone else, you know who you are and what you have done.

Indeed, there is still lots to do. Plan and move and save and sign. But we know. We have our answer. The plans we made and put on hold can again start to move forward. No longer will life be on hold. It took time, and far more patients and emotions than I knew I was capable of. However I can surely say it has been worth it. Much needs to happen now, but by comparison, to me it seems easy as now the wait is over.

Now, I can sleep.

That's Twisted

No big news yet! Let's just get that out now. Still, there are a couple of days left of the week so I shouldn't rule it out yet. However, another curious thing has happened this week which I hadn't expected and isn't entirely a bad thing. I've started to write again. I'm not even sure what set it off to be honest, but it was almost like I woke up, and it was there. The urge. That idea. Can I tell you how great it felt yesterday (one of the many instances I've had) to pick up a pen and just write, to have the words flow out and fill half a page in no time. I didn't even know what I was writing about, I just wrote it. And it's not half bad for a mostly unconscious effort!

I've a couple of small choices to make this week, nothing hugely dramatic, but I think I have them sorted out. And peacefully so. Which I'm glad of. And one I am a bit excited about. No, I'm not going away anywhere, unfortunately! Though I really would like to.

Guides this week and next week sees me at the steering wheel. We're going to do the Australian Challenge which I've got to be honest, isn't really all that Australian. I mean bits of it are, and in occar form. Anyway, I'm looking forward to it. I'm enjoying being with an active unit again, though the timing is bad because summer is not far off starting and there will be a huge break! Just as I was starting to get the hang of some of the kids names! The end of term will be a Decades Night, for the Centenary, and each patrol is taking a decade and running an activity. Some are going all out and dressing up big time!! Others not so much.

Yesterday I ventured into the Croydon Library and signed up for a Library card. Only took me a year. Ha ha ha, no point rushing into these things. Initially I was excited by all the wonderful books I could borrow, but I have to admit to leaving feeling somewhat dismal and disheartened by the collection they have there. Seriously, it leaves a lot to be desired for. Unless that's a reflection of the community which is both unsurprising and surprising considering it is a student town.

Great Expectations

There is something in the air today. I'm not really sure what it is. Sure, probably the usual mix of pollution, garbage and onions which by chance seems to be the vegetable fragrance of choice around here of late. I'm not sure why that is. However, there is also something else. A sense of knowing I think. No. A sense of expectation, like big things are going to happen.

True, this could come in any great shape or form. I dare not hold my breath in the hope of news of the visa coming through. I think that might be expecting just a tad too much. But it's something else. It's something big. Seriously, I have this sense of awe and excitement much like I had getting on the plant to fly to Pax Lodge a couple of years ago. Minus the fear of course. Heck, I had no idea what I'd let myself in for then!

Quite simply, I can't shake it. As a result I've been in an unusually good mood today. No, scrub that. Not a good mood, a positive mood. Nothing has bummed me out. Not my laundry, not my dishes, not even cleaning the hair from the shower drain. Oh come on, hair falls out when you shower! And seriously, I don't scoop it all out after every single wash. You don't either, so don't judge me! However, we're not talking about my cleaning habits. We were talking about great expectations.

Thus I put it to fate now, this week better be a promising one! I expect it to be! I expect a big piece of good news, got that?! I'm just not sure what it is. Actually I feel for certain it's not the visa. I think it's job related, be it my current employment of maybe the prospect of future employment? Yes, it's job driven. Or related. Ohh maybe someone I work with has good news. Ohh maybe there's a baby on the way! Or someone is getting married. Or a raise Or . . .hmmm that one I can't announce to the world as it's not mine to announce. But that's a thought . . .

Oh wow, now I am excited!! I even think I am looking forward to going t work tomorrow!

Blah Blah Blah

It's a month until my 26th Birthday! I'm entirely sure why I have an ! at the end of that line. Admittedly I'm not all that excited about it. I've been far too concerned thinking about how quickly (in some ways) time has been moving along and how quickly I will be 30 soon. I think I'm having a midlife crisis. Or mid twenties crisis.

I'm in a weird mood. I actually feel like company this evening. Which is odd because usually at the end of a day at work with so many people coming and going, the last thing I want to have to deal with is entertaining guests. Eh. It'll pass no doubt. Lately my emotions are like the seasons. Too many in a day!

The day started with me looking at people and hearing nothing but that noise the adults make in the Charlie Brown cartoons. Seriously! And the brain has been so slow to process things today, I feel like the computer at work. Always slow to process. As the day went on, I was excited and mused by a few different things. Then I went to Mothercare which opened a whole can or worms I'd rather not go into at the moment. And now, well, I just am. Right here in this moment. A lull. Something exciting needs to happen people!!

The Waiting Game

I've always considered myself to be a patient person. Depending on the circumstance, some would say I have the patience of a saint. I on the other hand know there are times when quite frankly my patience fails me and all I feel like doing is slamming someones head into a wall. Oh come on, this should not come as any shock, I am a redhead after all!! Besides, you can't tell me you've not had one of those moments. Ever. Circumstances, I know, I know.

My patience right now is pushing the limit, though much different to anything I've experienced before. We've now entered into week five of waiting for news on Erin's Visa. I know the reality is that I need to pace myself, there still could be a few weeks of this to go, but somehow it's managed to creep up on me without my knowing it. I spent most of Monday unable to focus on anything. The coin finally dropped this evening as I was walking home as to what is causing all this unrest, this fidgeting, this lack of attention. Indeed, what has caused the onset of my anxiety attacks to return.

Yes thats right. For those of you who didn't know, I suffered from them upon my return to Australia a few years ago. With thanks to a supportive friend, a great therapist and eventually some medication, I got them under control and eventually they were gone. I should have seen the signs really. I had a small one a week back. But at the time I'd just put it down to being tired. Indeed stressing out about things. It was the one which crept up on me walking home this evening that made me understand that somehow, some way, everything that I am feeling (or not at times) is because I am waiting.

It sounds stupid I know, and the easiest thing in the world to say that I should just get on with it and wait and see what happens and sort of plan some damage control for either outcome. Have a back up plan. Have something ready. And indeed I did do that. Have done that. But there are factors and outcomes involved in all this which not everyone is aware of and may never be unless they need to. Which is fine, that's my right. I remain, as always, a private person in certain matters. Its just that, I have moments where I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a river and the water is rushing by all around me. I watch people come and go and plan and laugh and all the things which come together when living life. I'm just there. Waiting. Waiting for the bus that never seems to come when you've got some place to be.

For what it's worth, I've probably been ignorant enough until recent months to this feeling. The reality is for Erin that's something she's been dealing with for some time having put an education on hold in the hopes of having her personal life sorted. And to a degree, maybe I knew that and maybe I was aware that I myself was doing that too. I just didn't expect it to all come shouting at me all at once. I find myself wanting to check e-mail every 5 minutes. Check my phone. Check anything which might indicate to me what is going to happen today. Tomorrow. Next week or god forbid, next month.

I wish I were like people who lost weight when under pressure. Clearly I am not. I unfortunately was blessed with the curse of eating my emotions. Or drinking. Or smoking, though that one not so much any more. I constantly feel like an addict must feel waiting for that next hit. I'm jittery. I can't seem to focus too much. I seem to have this energy which needs to get out but somehow manifests not into the desire to take a walk (or laughably so, a run) rather I've realised it holds me prisoner. In a room. In a building. In a mindset which can think of nothing else and it's driving me mad! Gah!

A-hem. I'll calm myself. Its times like this I wish it were November and I could bury myself into the need to finish NaNo. And trust me, I've tried to fool myself into thinking it's the perfect time to write, to explore and expand the world of past, present and new characters. But when it comes to sitting down, hands poised over the key board all I get is that stupid blinking cursor sitting on the word document before me. And then I lose focus.

Thus it becomes a vicious circle. Dearest Immigration Visa Person, where ever you are, please, please, PLEASE hurry up and make your mind up. On the flip side, knowing also scares me. I can't win either way.