The Year That Was

It's time. Time to write and reflect over the past 12 months of life. Its the season to do it, of course, as not only another year ends but a decade as well. They've been calling these past 10 the Noughties which is a rather unfortunate name when you think about it. Ha, just 10 years ago I was 15 and half. Finishing year nine. What a year that was. But alas, it should be this past year I should be thinking most about. And so I will.

For me it's rather strange to think that I've been gone from Australia for nearly 13 months now, however have only been in the UK for 10 of those. I keep saying that once it's been a year things should have settled a bit, so in some regards I still have a little time. I suppose that's what has made the year a bit bumpy and unstable, certainly the first part anyways. You know this year alone I have lived in four different addresses. I do believe that's a new record for me! It's been the year of moves bought on by the biggest one yet at the end of last year, the choice to move to the UK. Since leaving Australia, I called Richmond KY, USA home for three months. Then I flew to London calling Pax Lodge in Hampstead home again for three months. Then from there I shifted to South London, living in Catford for two months before shifting once again to my current home in Croydon. Where ideally I'd like to say settled for a bit! I moved there on the 4th of July and now, just over six months later (oh my GOD I only just figured that out) I think it really is starting to feel like home.

A part of me in recent weeks has questioned the value of the past year. In some ways I feel like it's been a bit of a waste and partly feels like I don't have a whole lot to show for that passed time. What has made me feel like this is comparing the foundations I had in Australia to the ones I have now. Unfairly so. I've had to keep telling myself that the foundations there took 21 years to achieve. I can't expect miracles over night. And so with that in mind, I look forward to the New Year with the hope of a new job (one I choose rather than one which is simply there) and the hope of meeting more new people and starting foundations and creating memories and a life here.

Indeed it's been a rough year for the emotions. I've struggled with my depression much more than I thought I would. But again, under the circumstances, I've done quite well! I've said some hard good-byes some of which are much more long term than others. I've said hello's once again to people from my previous life here as well as my previous life way back there. I've stressed over being unemployed, then stressed about being employed. About money. About gaining weight again. About getting to the point where I am happy. Somewhere in there I dealt with painful wisdom teeth, a flu (several times), having domestic life prolonged much longer than it was supposed to have been and I even scared myself in there with a bit of an alcohol problem. This latter one, to relieve any concerns, is now gone.

However, I don't want to dwell on the negatives and what sounds like such a bad time because in all honesty, it really hasn't been that terrible. Its been an amazing year of growth for me and once more I learnt just how much I am capable of dealing with. To praise myself a little, a lot of people told me as I went into this that they admired me a lot for what I was going to do. At the time I looked at the move as simply something that I wanted to do to make myself happy. To make a commitment to the person I want to share the rest of my life with. I didn't see it as a big deal at all. A wise friend told me that I might not recognise the scope of this until later on when I reflected back over it. As always, she was right. What I've put myself through these past 12 months in some ways make me sit back in awe. Was I really that naive about it all?!

The flip side to all that is the series of adventures I've had. Some grand. Some momentous. Some special just for me. But each month has presented an adventure of some description. True to myself there are some which stand out more than others and some which words cannot even begin to do justice to. And so it's those now that I focus on and wonder just what the New Year will bring.

December saw me leave Australia bound for the US for three months starting with an awesome road trip across the Southern States of the USA. And what a trip it was! I think it worked out to be 15 days in total starting in LA (and then onto Disneyland!!) and ending in Kentucky. Along the way seeing sights which will always make me smile, some which leave me in awe and the chance of catching up with Shanna & Philip (and meeting Anna-Claire!). I blogged a lot about those days which I am sure should you wish to, can go back and read. The month also saw me celebrate my third Christmas Kentucky style, complete with fireworks, the Girl Scout gathering (which always rocks my world) and pasta on Christmas Day.

January will always be remembered not for Australia Day in USA (complete with beer and footy), not for the onset of a killer ice-storm (good grief living in a hotel is not really all that fun) but for Obama's Inauguration Day. Yes, I was there the day that history happened catching what could very well have been hypothermia out on The Mall amongst millions of people. It truly was an amazing few days and it was incredible to watch people come together for an event which represented so much hope for change for so many people. Washington D.C went from being busy, to really busy to sardine style busy over the course of a weekend and I was in crowds I hope to high heaven I'm never in again. But it was TOTALLY worth it!

February was the month of many more miles on the road. With thanks to the ice storm's effects which filtered over into the start of the month, our trip to Minnesota was postponed and tagged on later in the month with a trip to Des Moines to visit Erin S. In the middle came a trip to South Bend to visit Maggie (and Notre Dame!) where we ventured across to Illinois for a day in Chicago and a visit to my first Great Lake. Jeff (Fa-fa!) Dunham (dot com!) made an appearance in Lexington, KY which was totally awesome and very, very exciting for me (not so much for Erin who was stuck in the car with me). And then there was Minnesota via Des Moines. So. Much. Snow. Seriously! It was so beautiful! I saw my second Great Lake (it was frozen which was very cool), ate some great pie in Two Harbours and caught up with a grand old Canadian friend in Wisconsin. I also got to spend time with lots of Erin's family which simply had me in my element. I don't come from a large family, so it was a very new experience for me and one I honest to god hope to enjoy again!

March sucked in a lot of ways. I flew solo back to the UK to start on the adventure for some time I'd been feeling was one I was destined to make. I once again called Pax Lodge home and in many ways it was so strange to be back. While a lot had changed, some things hadn't and it took most of the month for me to get my head around how I was feeling about it all. A week after my arrival I had my first job interview which got my hopes up very high way too quickly. I was soon to learn things weren't going to be that easy. I spent some time getting re-acquainted with London. We celebrated Pax Lodge's anniversary and Earth Hour. I had more interviews.

April presented me with many more interview opportunities. Many, many more rejections as well. I met my first UK Philer (X-files fan) Victoria, whom came like a breath of well needed fresh air (V that's a compliment!). It also found two visitors from my old Pax days come and visit me. Both Saga and Ruth returned to London and it was great catching up with them. Saw some theatre in there, got a National Insurance number and came down with the flu. Bleh. Right as the month ended I enjoyed a dinner at Euston train station with another old friend, Mutley Ruth (!).

May equated to change. The month saw me achieve a decade long dream of finally seeing Gillian Anderson on stage which truly was an amazing experience. Coupled with this was meeting Aussie Philer Ros for some much counted down squeeness and some wandering around Grand Old London Town. My dear friend Kathy was in the UK and I managed to catch some time with her and Ruth to have dinner. Heather and I went out to Crystal Palace for the day. I was interviewed more. I moved out of Pax Lodge and down to Catford which was scary and exciting all at the same time. On the 29th I spent my last £7 on a rail ticket to get to an interview. The following day I started work. Fate for once was leaning in my favour.

June was epic. I survived my first week on the job as a thrown in the deep end CA for Back to Health. It was a long month work wise, working literally six days a week between Croydon and Richmond. I was tired. The commute from Catford was a killer. Then another Aussie Phile came to London, Sandi, and on my second viewing of 'A Dolls House' I finally got to meet Gillian Anderson. Such an amazing moment. Heart pounding. Palms sweaty. Programme and Pen ready. She made her way along the gathered line and despite me practiced efforts, all I did was squeak at her to which she simply smiled and moved on. Epic fail! Now I look back and laugh, but then I was gutted.

July marked my silver Jubilee, indeed I turned 25 -a quarter of a century! By way of celebration I had treated myself (indeed the first ticket I purchased) to a viewing of A Dolls House on my birthday. It was my third time seeing the show and by far the best performance I'd seen. It was much more powerful and moving than previous shows. That same night I met a bunch of German Philes whom I was likely to see again in October at X-Con in Berlin, but as things turned out, I never made it there. Rebecca from New Zealand also came to visit me and we celebrated with a pub crawl beginning around 2pm, among other things. It also saw the birth of Shanna's second baby girl, Aubrey.

August was another busy month. Rebecca returned to London once again for some more adventure. A friend from the Force back home, Christina, was also in London so in addition to wandering around this cultured city, she also came with me on Day 1 of walking The London Loop. It was a tiring day! Unfortunately not long after that came the news that Erin's visa was declined and the onset of dealing with being apart much longer than we'd planned to be. Late in the month I took a trip to Scotland with Heather to see the Edinburgh Military Tattoo and we were joined by Heather's friend Anne and my London buddy Victoria. Shortly there after I began to have wisdom teeth woes. Not fun.

September started with the removal of the first of three painful teeth. It also meant that plans to tackle the second leg of the London Loop were postponed and is still yet to be walked (I'll get there eventually!). I battled with loneliness a lot this month but on the up side, fall came to London and turned all the leaves red and yellow. The 5th marked my 18 year anniversary of being a Guide. I tagged along for a rather religious Sunday with Heather, Maia and Yvette which further made me question my faith or lack there of. Things as work continued to be rocky and thus started the thoughts of finding somewhere else to work. My flat started to take shape with more furniture added into it. The Croydon Food Festival happened at the end of the Month which allowed for two weeks of food, glorious food! Once more another baby joined the world, with Louise giving birth to baby Jack.

October arrived quickly. I turned my heating on for the first time. Yes, I was cold! Erin and I celebrated our fourth anniversary, however it was the first time we were unable to be together. Ruth returned for a few days and became my first house guest! Amazingly enough by the end of it we'd not killed each other, managed a trip to Brighton, the theatre and ate lots of yummy food. Oh and played lots of Skip-Bo! I also began to partly plan for my third NaNoWriMo attempt. Shortly after that was the fundraiser weekend of AXFF which I was able to semi-successfully Skype with the gathering in Queensland. Much to my horror Christmas arrived, decorations came into the stores, went up in the streets and carols were being played. I couldn't believe my eyes. It all arrived before Halloween, which (on the day) allowed me the opportunity to decorate the clinic and have lots of sweets on my desk. Plus I re-visited the challenge of carving a pumpkin!

November =NaNoWriMo. Enough said. Just kidding! My life in this month was pretty much dedicated to writing. I attended a number of Write-Ins where I met some new people and rediscovered my love of writing. For the first time in a long time, I'd started to feel alive again and its a feeling I found I'd missed. With a piece titled 'Drifting' I crossed the finish line three days ahead of schedule and 20 words over the target. Winter had arrived, fog started to show up in the mornings and we got a new Doctor at the clinic. This month Sally gave birth to baby Tess which was very exciting!! I made some pumpkin pies for Thanksgiving and ventured out to Wimbledon for Bruce's birthday.

December is here once more and is now almost over. With it came the arrival of horrid cold and damp weather which has covered the country in stark beauty. We had snowfall and a lot of ice. One morning on the way to work, I slipped and fell. My social life picked up a bit with visiting friends and few planned festive events. The Christmas Market set up on the North End of Croydon and the shops came to life filled with hundreds of people. I got sick with the flu and was pretty much out of action for a week. Great news came with Erin's flight being booked for January (yay!) followed by the sad news of the passing of her grandfather. I made some firm choices to find a new job and indeed applied for one or two. At least this time round I am employed so I at least have a wage coming in! Natalie, another pal from the Force, was in Europe and dropped by London. We did a Jack the Ripper walk and froze a little bit. Hopefully we'll get the chance to catch up again before she heads back. The main Christmas Days were spent up at Pax Lodge which made for a nice holiday from my own life. But as always, that in turn gives you chance to think about too much!

Looking ahead to the next few days, New Years looks to be a quiet one. I'm tossing around the idea of going up to London to watch the fireworks on the Thames which is sort of iconic really. It's likely I'll end up doing just that. Until then, I'll just keep working away. And once more I'll do just that in the New Year. 2010 is on our doorstep. I look forward to throwing the door open and seeing what's waiting on the other side.

Here's to a New Year, a New Decade and a New Adventure awaiting us all.
Cheers!

Almost Time

T'was the Morning before Christmas, not a creature was stirring, Stuart was wrapping and Rachael was typing. Indeed it's a slow morning a work! I'll be honest. There are lots of little admin things I could be doing right now and in my defence I've been doing them since I got here, but right now it's Christmas and I don't wanna work. Lol. Its not that bad, we've got a string of patients coming through this morning and it's been kind of chilled.

Finally the ice has melted! It felt so wonderful to be able to walk to work and not fear for my safety. A small amount of snow is still sitting on the ground in parks and things, but for the most part it has gone. The North End where our clinic is has people all over it. Apparently there are lines in all the shops. Last minute shoppers no doubt. I can't imagine going and shopping, it would be horrible. For the most part I've been able to avoid shops this week. I've had to go get a few small things and it's been a nightmare.

I got to thinking about things again. I still haven't been settled for a year yet, despite leaving Australia just over a year ago. This time last year we'd been back from our mega awesomely cool road trip across the south of USA and were baking and buying winter jackets. The year before that I was on a plane to the US, or about to get on one. The year before that I'd not long returned to Australia and was in Tasmania to celebrate the festive season. And indeed the one before that I was experiencing my first USA Christmas with the Gow family.

(ha ha ha a patient just came in and said to Stu 'Bah Humbug' because he didn't have the Santa Suit on, he he he)

Anyways, I started to think about the kind of flight miles I've been adding up the past few years and realised I have a very bad carbon footprint! I blame Canada. Since traveling there in 2001 I've had the travel bug and can't shake it. I mean look, I've had a nice few years, check it out:

July/Aug 2001: Canada and the USA (3.5 weeks)
July/Aug 2002: Singapore and the UK (3.5 weeks)
Jun -Dec 2005: Singapore and the UK (6 months)
Dec 05/Jan 06: The US (2 weeks)
Jan -Sept 06: The UK (8 months)
Sept-Dec 06: The USA (3 months)
April/May 07: The USA (3 weeks)
Dec 07/Jan 08: The USA (4 weeks)
Dec 08 - Mar 09: The USA (3 months)
Mar 09 to now: The UK

And that's just long haul flights. In there are multiple flights within the USA, the UK and Australia. I wonder how many miles I've flown in that time? I bet there would be a way to work it out. And the number of hours too! He he he. Hmmm maybe one day when I'm bored I'll work that out! Anyways, all that adds up to a bad carbon footprint. I'm mean to the environment. I'm sorry!! I just like planes . . .

But look, Christmas is just that little bit closer now! I'm kinda more excited about it now than I was say a week or so back. It was nice, I walked into the Whitgift Centre on Tuesday and there were some kids in there singing Christmas Carols (like from a school or something) and it just felt, well, like Christmas. Don't laugh. It's been weird. But hey, Christmas is here! Woohoo! I've not even done my traditional e-mail around to everyone. I just haven't really felt like it. I even have a handful of Christmas cards still to post simply because between being sick and catching up at work and doing things at home I've been meaning to for some time . . . well I've just not gotten around to it. I'm thinking next year I'll start in September, just to make sure everything is done and sorted! Actually next year I'd like to make my own cards, or have a photo I've taken printed out as cards. That would be kinda nice.

Counting the Days

I'm feeling nostalgic. I always do around this time of the year, I start to think about getting together with people whom I've barely had the chance to see during the year. I start to think about family and those who can't be with us any more. I also start to think about what I've crammed into the last 12 months of my life and if I think it's been worth it or not. To be honest, that's not exactly what I'm doing right now because, well, that blog tends to come closer to New Years Eve when I almost have lived 12 months. Its been a rough few months so I am sure there will be some great debate as to my sense of value of the past year, but that's not for now, that's for a few days from now.

I guess what's got me nostalgic is being on my own. Yes, I am alone. I can say it. I'm sitting in an empty flat with no human contact, nor animal, I can't even hear my neighbours. But I'm not lonely. Not really. I guess it's provided me time to reflect back over different memories of different times. Its been a strange week. It started off brilliant and wonderful with the news that Erin is to arrive in the UK on the 14th of January, just on three and a half weeks from now. Rest assured there is a countdown and there will be one very excited young Australian prowling the halls of Gatwick far earlier than she needs to be because she'll be so excited there will be nothing left to do but just get to the airport. I pray for those I run into that morning. Then there was the excitement of snow. Yes, by most American and Canadian accounts not a whole lot. But lots for the UK and indeed very much for a Melbournian. Cold and icy was the theme for a few days.

After that came the sudden news of the death of Erin's grandfather George. A death by any means is always a sad event. Naturally the distance has been hard these past few days because by nature I want to be supportive. Most people are when loved ones are hurting. But I've also found myself in a somewhat strange situation. In the past, deaths have always been of family and friends. There's always been that clear cut level of grief to display or feel. This time though, I've found I'm not sure what the correct level of care, concern and sadness should be. Yes, I feel sad that George is no longer living, a loss of life is always sad. But I'm faced with the dilemma of just how much I'm allowed to be sad. Never before have I had an In-Law die, I've never had In-Laws before! Under the circumstances its not quite like blood family, but much more than friends. Its hard. I'm not sure what is appropriate or not. And I don't want to make this about me, because it's not. Its very much about Erin and her family dealing with a loss. But in conjunction with that is a sense of uncertainty as to how I should feel.

Of course feeling like that and being sad about a death this time of the year has bought up memories of my own loss just two years ago of my Nonna. I think a large part of that is because I never really grieved properly, if anything I felt guilty for perhaps not being the granddaughter that I could have been. A natural way to feel no doubt, questioning if I'd done enough, called enough, even visited enough. Deep down I guess I told myself I didn't, and thus didn't deserve the right to grieve. Harsh, yes, but then those of you who know me know that the manner of thinking which I had was not uncommon. Which brings us to now. Yes, I feel guilty and yes I miss my Nonna. I feel sad about George and wish that somehow I could be there to help. Ultimately I know I can't and that's something I'll have to deal with.

But in a round about way this got me thinking about memories in general. Yes, some Christmas ones. Like the one sitting in the back of my fathers car one Christmas, sitting next to my Nonna and her asking if I had started getting periods yet, and then going on further to tell me that when I do it's a good time to start looking for a husband to have children with. Looking back I do smile in amusement at that moment, at how embarrassed I felt at the time because it was the first Christmas since hitting puberty and the idea of now being a 'young woman' was something I was still kind of awkward about without even thinking about getting married and having kids.

Like most families there are a couple of Christmas ones I'd rather forget. For that matter I'm pretty sure there are a couple of Easter and Birthday ones too. But that's a common place occurrence really. I then started to think about memories that made me smile. Of simple joy. Childhood games. The few holidays we had as a family. Flashes from school and guides. Then I started to think about the people who had made an impact on my life. Some are still around, some are not. Some are close by and others are thousands of miles away. But some how they're all still quite close. So yes, I get lonely at times, but today I've felt I've had a lot of company.

As Christmas draws near and I face the first one ever where I've not been with family or future in-laws (yes my darling Gow's that first one counts), I come to realise that I wasn't looking forward to it. I'd mentally blocked Christmas from my own mind and its only the last day or so that I've realised in a week, it'll all be over. Its strange. In theory I should have been feeling this way four years ago when I'd planned on being in the UK at the end of my time at Pax simply to be someplace new for Christmas. At that time, fate stepped in and it didn't happen. Thus here I am thinking and feeling this way now. Don't get me wrong, I won't be alone for Christmas. In fact by all accounts it sounds like there will be lots of company. There will be a face or two which feels like family, and many more who are not, but may become new friends.

I don't know, I guess I'm feeling old and boring as well. Its been too long being alone, I crave that domestic life once again. I have someone that I love so dearly whom I cannot be with just yet. Family is a long way away. And though Pax is in some ways home, its just won't be the same without the people who made it feel that way. Therefore I started to count the days to the time when familiarity returns. To the time when a small level of stability will return. To the day when I'll feel a much more complete again. In meeting with an old and dear friend the other night, I came to realise what I miss most is having a foundation and an existence. A history.

Here, up until nine months ago, Rachael Marchese didn't exist in this life. Not in Croydon, not in the UK, not in any capacity other than a volunteer. For 21 years I developed an identity and an existence. Then I decided to take a leap of faith and find something new. Four and a half years later here I am, having taken the biggest leap ever. Don't get me wrong, I have no doubt in my mind that leaving Australia was the best choice I made. Indeed not an easy one, but a good one. And so I have the ability to think back over memories of the life I once had. Here, as yet, I cannot. Not really. Not yet. One day yes, but not right now. So in some ways I begin to count the days until I can do that.

Knowing that one day I'll be able to say 'Remember that summer we . . .' or 'How funny was it when . . .' in a context that's relevant to my current environment. And how exciting does that seem?! I mean really, it's exciting to think that I can also pick and choose and create what the endings to those sentences will be.

Gah, I think it's dinner time. Too much thought and too little food. I need sustenance!

Making Choices

Yes, now that's an original title, no? I am sure somewhere along the line going back over the years there will be a blog post somewhere titled the same thing. Are we seeing a pattern here? Though I suppose techincally we make choices every day of our life. From what to have to breakfast right down to what PJs to wear at night. Assuming you wear PJs that is. I was just trying to be broad in my thinking.

There have been a lot of choices in life to make. All of which no doubt have helped me to reach this point in time, yet again faced with choices. Right at this moment I am debating to have corn chips or chocolate. I'm feeling a little ill at the moment, so I am thinking corn chips might be the better answer. Well I suppose they're tortilla chips. I'm not sure why, but the word tortilla reminds me of Maggie. I wonder what is happening in Southbend at this very point in time?

I feel like I should be writing Christmas cards. Would you believe I picked up the box like two weeks ago now and still not a single card has been written. How slack of me. With Royal Mail still playing catch up with all the post from the strikes, I'm pretty sure I should do something about them this weekend. Among other things. That's assuming I can afford the postage! The one draw back about having friends and family right across the world, postage can be a killer! Especially at Christmas. Memo to self, next year put a few pounds a month away for a Christmas Postage fund. Hmmm, I should get me a tin for that. Wait, I think I have one in the last box I've still to unpack. Its offical, that box has been sealed for 12 months. Its like a little mini time capsule! Ha! I wonder what I packed in there . . . actually I could probably guess, more stuffed animals no doubt!

In case you were wondering, I had egg fried rice this evening. With soya sauce. It was yummy. And warm, which is always a bonus on a cold night. Which it is. I'm thinking I might turn the heat up a little, I feel a little shivery. But then again, I don't feel well in general, I have a migrane on top of everything else. Looking at a screen really isn't going to help that, but I figure soon enough it'll be painful enough to make me just turn off the laptop and go to bed. Its beyond pain killer point, but not quite at black out point. I've not had one for some time, so I suppose I shouldn't complain.

Croydon is very pretty at the moment, all the lights are up and there is a cool looking market type of thing set up for Christmas on the North End. Each stall is like a hut, some have beads up, some have fake snow, some have pine spriggs. Its all rather atmospheric. That and I've started to notice the salt on the ground. Now that I've been to Minnesota in winter, the concept of snow doesn't excite me as much as it once did, only because I've seen it in large amounts now and anything less will be much less impressive. However, in saying that, I'm sure when the timem comes I'll want to go out and play in it. I can't help the inner child, it's quite pushy at times.

To Hell With That

Yes, that's what I want to say, though I have to admit it might not be entirely wise to declare why right here where the world can see. But some of you might just figure it out, knowing what was going on this week. Last week. Almost all weeks for some time now. The New Year is coming, so who knows what new adventures might await me.

Its really cold tonight. I lost the feeling in my fingers walking home. Memo to self, start using your gloves! Its that horrid cold, damp feeling. A lot of the cars have been getting a heavy frost on them of late too. I'm waiting for the ice which will send me ass up walking to work. While I know it'll hurt and won't be funny at the time, I'm sure I'll reach a point where I'll thnk it would have been amusing to see me fall. I do that. Some of you know that. I have a twisted sense of humour.

Strange things happen in the Festive Season. People start to get social. I am getting social. Shock horror! And meeting people not previously met before. I blame NaNo, that started it. Hmmm that was random. I don't even know where I was going with that one. I'm supposed to be putting up Christmas stuff at the moment. Got to be honest, I don't feel motivated to do so. I don't feel like being all Merry like. I think it's slowly been drained from me since the decos started appearing in October. I knew this was going to happen.

What to look forward to this weekend? Deep cleaning!! Actually, we're having a somewhat low key Christmas Shindig on Saturday after work. That'll be fun, though the concept of drinking games has always scared me somewhat. People say stupid things when they've had a bit too much to drink. And there's always a photo which shows up too. But Sunday, yes Sunday I have to clean and re-arrange the flat. Made a horrid discovery on Wednesday morning. The wall was wet and I found the startings of mould behind my bed. Ekkk! I know it's only arrived since two weeks back, that was when I last moved it. Totally want to avoid that again.

Mmmm something smells good, I think dinner is nearly ready. Bout time really, I'm famished. Might curl up on my couch with a blanket, dinner and some quality Nanny time. Yes, mindless TV shows, they rock my world.

Cutting It Fine

I always hope that I'll be able to post at least once a month. I like to be able to look at my blog and see one entry under the heading of each month. However, that doesn't always happen and so when I check in, I always feel somewhat responsible for the abandoned state it's in. *sighs* I guess some things will never change. Of all the good intentions I have . . .

Time since I last wrote has flown by. A lot has gone on, some changes have come about. The most obvious one is in the physical sense, it's now a whole lot colder and wetter! Seriously, its a very strange world out there first thing in the morning. I enjoyed the changing colours of leaves and how starkly stunning it looks here when the sun is out and the air is cold. And now, everything gets damp. I hate it. I do, because nothing seems to dry. Oh and I do have to share the funny letter I got from my real estate agent last week. It basically summed up what was to come in the next month or so, talking about freezing pipes and keeping buildings at a certain temperature to avoid problems like mould and well, freezing pipes. I'm from Australia for God sakes, what the hell are the implications for freezing pipes?! Okay, so I'm not that dumb, I can actually figure it out. But the concept of the letter just amused me greatly. I did in fact laugh out loud at it.

Keeping my busy this past month, the one that has flown by which I think was the month of November, was NaNoWriMo. Yep, I won yay! I actually came up with 50,020 words in 27 days which is nice and quite close to my record for my first winning year back in 2007. However, unlike that first year, my entry this year is no where near as stunning and complete as it could be. Actually if I am honest, its a pile of dung! There is SO much wrong with it. But that's the point of NaNo -you just write, editing can come later on. Anyways, this year my piece is about a woman with Bipolar. Actually I'm not even clear if it is Bipolar. Its in that ball park at least. So pretty much there is a murder in her workplace and unsure if she was capable of the actions or not, she flees. And so the bulk of the story is centred around driving and thinking and memories. There's the introduction of a second main character who much to my dismay never actually reaches his pull potential. Which indeed is something I can go back and fix, but the jerk was so sure of who he was before I started writing and now, well, he's just a let down. Point being, its two people on the road and what life have served them and what it might produce in the future.

I can hardly believe that December will knock on our doors tomorrow. Though if the stores around Croydon and indeed Greater London are anything to go by, Christmas has been here since the end of October. I can't fathom another month of it. But I like it, because it's a very pretty time of year. Depressing, yes, because the days are short and I'm sure the sun goes away on vacation, but it's also a magical time of year. I like London like this.

Crap, I've just looked at the time. Break is over! Get back to it!

Coming to terms

What a month it has been. I always tell myself I'm going to come and blog regularly, but for some reason I never quite get around to it. I suppose its because I spend most of my day sitting at a desk with a computer and I don't want to spend a whole lot of time outside of work doing the same. Which in itself is kinda of a lie, because my laptop is my television as well as a gateway to communication with everything in a pretty quick method. I suppose I've not found myself motivated enough to blog.

As I said, its been a hell of a month. I've been up very high, but I've also been down quite low. There are multiple factors in there, but they all stream into one main line of thought: I have not been happy. Not happy with work. Not happy with myself and not happy with the situation I now find myself in. I'm sure I'm not alone in those thoughts. I guess the main difference I now find clear is that in some regards I'm in a position to do something about it.

Life in Croydon is interesting in some ways, however, its also very lonely. There I said it: I've felt very lonesome of late. Isolated and far away from the people I want to be closest to. In various degrees. Most prominently is coming home to an empty house at night. I'm usually tired and niggly. But there is no one here to share that with. To share the cooking. The company. The books. The flat. The day to day living of life. There is no one there to curl up with last thing and night and no one to wake up smiling to the next morning. I'd assume a fair number of you have been there too. I guess I just hadn't realised just how much I was missing all that.

I've had a bit of a midlife crisis. Not that I'm midlife mind, so how about we call it a mid 20s crisis. In many ways I have lost a sense of direction and focus and substance. I'm not sure what my role in the world is. Again, I'm probably not alone in that. However, usually I'd dive head first into work and guides. But neither are an option at the moment. My work hours are not Guide unit friendly. However, I'm looking at making a change to that. Yes, that's right, I'm applying for work elsewhere. The job that seemed forever to arrive has become something I wish I could do without. If I am honest, there are days I just want to walk out. I want to scream. I want to break things, not that there is anything worth breaking mind you. Anyways, I hadn't wanted to go much beyond saying I'm looking for work elsewhere. I'm smart enough to know that in times such as they are, you don't go quitting a job before you find another, and I'm not the sort of person to start doing things half arsed simply because I am going soon.

So anyways I've been looking at other things to do in what little free time I have. There is a local group which looks after the wild open spaces in the area and cover conservation of both flora and fauna. They meet on a Sunday so I'm thinking that's going to be an option I like. It'll also give me reason to get out of bed on a Sunday morning!! In addition to that, I've discovered once again my love for reading. Its like meeting with an old friend. Its been quite lovely. And on top of that, November is fast approaching which as some of you know means that NaNoWriMo will once again enter the world of Rachael. I'm actually quite excited about it this year, like I was in my first year, and I actually think I've the brain power and creativity to go the distance again. I look forward to the challenge of it.

This past two weeks has been the Croydon Food Festival. There's been a few things going on, though I have missed most of it due to working. However, I've been able to have German Sausage (so very yummy) wander along North End and look at the various stalls around, see some chef action on a stage and today listened to a Tin Band which I know is the wrong term, but its the best way to describe it! There was a Caribbean Market on today, so there were lots of interesting food smells wafting through the air. I've been meaning to make use of the Food Festival discount card to try somewhere new to eat but as yet it hasn't happened. I can't see that it will.

Believe it or not I have the heating on this evening. Well I did have, I turned it off because I was getting quite hot! It was a typical autumn day here in South London and with all my windows opened, I returned to a very chilly flat. This might have also had something to do with the fact I was walking in the cold wind in just a t-shirt type top and I was cold to begin with. Anyways, I feel well assured that I won't freeze this winter unless I don't pay the gas bill and even then I'm told they can't turn it off for fear of people dying or something like that. I don't know. Not that I would let it get that far mind you. A part of me is contemplating opening a window just to cool down a little. Crazy I know.

I've been thinking about my Nonna a lot lately and how I miss her. I know I didn't see her as regularly as I should have done and I guess its now that I can't which makes me realise how much I should have. I don't know, it's weird. I'm not even sure what triggered it, but it makes me feel sad the way life turned out for her. There are so many questions I now have which I won't ever get answers to. In some ways I feel almost like she was a stranger. Which isn't true, but I guess her memory seems so far away now. Like most things really.

Lighten Up

Today I decided to lighten my hair a little. I'm sure in the sun it'll look like quite a lot, but in normal indoors, I doubt too many people will notice. Time will tell no doubt. Why lighten my hair? I'm not entirely sure to be honest! Looking back at various points over the years I've been most shades from blonde to black including a little blue and some purple too. Its quite funny actually (psycho analysing myself here) it seems to be something I do when I don't want to think about anything else. When things in life get hectic, or complicated or I just want out. Perhaps it is a form of transformation into someone else. Despite the fact that in reality I am still the same person. Hmmm, I wonder what a shrink would say?

Yes, I'm in a thoughtful mood. Goodness knows why because of late I feel like all I have done is think and it's keeping me up! Either that or it is the pain of my teeth. Which brings me to an update on that front. The dentist today was terrible. No, not really. I had forgotten just how much I hate going to the dentist, how it scares me and how I break out in a sweat and get really nervous. I think it goes back to that phobia I have of teeth. Anyway, next Friday I will have the top left hand wisdom tooth removed which as it happens has a hole in it which also explains the infection that is there. However, the bigger news is that I actually have to have my bottom wisdom teeth surgically removed at the hospital as apparently that's beyond the means of a dental practice. I don't care, I'm going to get knocked out and that's what matters. I'm sure it'll cost an arm and a leg but if it helps me sleep at night I am not going to complain! In saying that, I'm kinda scared about next Friday because chances are I'm not going to get knocked out for that one and suddenly everyone has felt inclined to tell me all their horror stories: I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THEM!!

The people next door moved out today. Just in case you wanted to know. Not that I knew them of course, it was just an observation that I made out my window as I was passing it.

This afternoon I venture to the Croydon Library. Yes I now know where it is and can compile my observation notes! Frankly as far as libraries go I wasn't overly impressed with the layout and there are no catalogue computers anywhere, or so it seemed. How on earth am I supposed to find out if they have a specific book or not?! Anyways, I wasn't able to join because I had no ID on me which confirms my address. Note to self, hurry up and get a UK drivers licence. That'll solve the ID problem.

My weekend, well what I have as a weekend, seems to be somewhat empty. Kinda the way my flat has felt this week. I've become very aware of how alone I am for some reason. I can't really place why, I just have. I need a couch. Maybe that will help. But back to the weekend. Saturday morning will be an insane one at work. I can see it now. Its all going to go horribly wrong and its all going to be my fault. I can hear it now. Suck it up Rachael. After that, well, home. And Sunday presents the option of going touring someplace in London. Though, that's yet to be confirmed. Technically I'll be a tag along, and there once would have been a time when my pride wouldn't have allowed that. But my pride is not keeping me company at the moment, so I'm ignoring it.

Right, I think I'm due for the next dose of painkillers. Bring it on! Hmmm, that and dinner I think. Oh and maybe some CSI watching, but maybe that should wait until after dinner . . . LOL!

The Pain of Wisdom

I wonder why they are called Wisdom Teeth? I mean, does having them actually make you feel smarter? Or wiser? If you ask me, they're more pain than they are actually worth. I suppose I can't complain too much. I still have all four wisdom teeth and it's only now in my 25th year they've decided to give me grief. And grief they've given! Holy Mother of God its painful. I'd imagine there are a lot of people out there who can relate to the level of pain they give. I remember once my mum showing me one of her wisdom teeth and the size of it scared me into wondering if my teeth are the same. Give me strength.

Today the weather has been glorious! Stunning sunhine with a few white puffy clouds dotted against a tranquil blue sky. It really was quite lovely to look at. Walking home from work late this afternoon was a pleasant experience. The sun was warm and indeed so was the air which has made a nice change since yesterday I actually felt cold at one point.

Tomorrow I will embark upon the NHS dental system here in Croydon and see what can be achieved. I won't hold my breath. I just pray for some descent painkillers if nothing else!

This week marks six months back in the UK. It also means that I've been in a job for three months now. I have to admit it doesn't feel like three months. I mean it was all very daunting to begin with. Now I feel there isn't too much challenge in it. Funny what time will do to you. Its also interesting to note that should I now be interested in trying to get a job with The Met, I can now do so as I've been here long enough to be able to run a background check on me. Or something along those lines anyways.

This afternoon I had a Nanna Nap. It was a nice experience I can tell you due to lack of sleep last night. Actually the past few nights really. I woke feeling quite refreshed and positive. Then I decided to cook a yummy dinner and watch What Lies Beneath which even now I can all ready tell was a bad move. Whose stupid idea was it to watch that? Especially going into the evening and especially since I live on my own?! Like I need noises and bumps to keep me awake as well! Can you image it? Me, under the covers scared to close my eyes thinking the ghosts are going to get me. Ha ha ha, actually, its rather hilarious to picture.

Oh my gosh! This time last week I was getting ready to watch the Edinburgh Military Tattoo!! Oh man! Where the frick did that week go?! It was an awesome experience I have to tell you, SO much better than the television. It was incredible and even now I can still hear the bagpipes playing, the cool evening air, the clear night sky and the excitement of the crowd. I can see the flashing cameras, the glowing lights and the colours bouncing around the arena. *sighs* I wanna go back.

A Box of Crayons

Its a rather odd hour of the night to be blogging, or at least in my world it is! But in coming home on the train and in fact for most of the day, if not the past two days, a lot has been ticking over in my mind and perhaps could explain the lack of ability to stay sleeping at night.

The week has been a roller coaster in some ways. I came back from Edinburgh on Tuesday evening, all chilled and relaxed and well, glowing with the benefits of a holiday as most people do. Wednesday arrived and I was thrown back into reality with a thud. Not that any one thing triggered that, it just so happened it was Wednesday. In the grand scheme of things it was due to happen sooner or later. I guess I didn't expect it to happen in the way it did.

As most of you know, I enjoy writing. Like taking photos, but in a vastly different way. For many years now I've kept hand written journals. I can always tell when things just aren't quite right because I start to write them again. Its almost like writing things down on a page is a form of therapy. Whats important to note that up until the past weekend, I'd not put pen to paper since November last year. That's a hell of a gap in such a turbulent time in my life. Yes, people tell me that the change has been real and I guess the scope of it didn't sink in until a few months ago. In passing at least. However, I think another part of me blocked out feeling the effects of such a large change and overhaul of ones life.

Last Monday I sat in the pews, well chairs really, of The Church of the Holy Rude in Stirling, Scotland. If anyone knows their history and can link that with Tutbury Castle, great. If not, I suppose its not real significant to the story other than the fact that sitting in that chair made me think about my first trip to England some seven years ago. Which in turn got me thinking about other things which eventually found me thinking about substance in life. Long story short, I guess I had some sort of purpose crisis. Since then it's like the flood gates have been left open and I'm suddenly feeling things again. Its like having a box of 24 crayons and then suddenly realising you have a box of 200.

Being a writer, emotions play a large part in the ability to write, to paint a picture or scene using words. I hadn't quite realised how switched off I'd been in regards to what I feeling. I mean yes, I have still been feeling, but I'd not quite given those feelings the notice and attention they truly deserved. Since reality thudded towards me on Wednesday, I haven't quite realised how intensely I was feeling things. I was suddenly awakened, realising that I am feeling a large number of emotions right now and quite strongly.

Anger and frustration seem to be at the top of the list. Also mixed in there is being lonely, un-inspired, stuck, happy, confused, empowered. All in all I've been left feeling somewhat overwhelmed by everything. Today I was faced with the urge to pick up a pen and paper, and write. That's what I did. I'd originally intended to sit in a park and read. I ended up sitting in Hampstead Heath (on and off in the rain I might add) scrawling away on a piece of paper. I suddenly realised I had all these colours inside of me just bursting out wanting to paint a scene. Consequently, I became depressed. Trapped. And a little confused again. Despite how it sounds, it's actually a positive experience. I was mentally blocking that flow of what to feel, what to write, what to paint. And suddenly that blockage has gone. All because I sat in a church and thought about a holiday some years ago.

Once again how I perceive people and the impact they have on my life has changed. Some people I am seeing in a new light, some still the same. Some I am finding I like less, others more. Its rather liberating really. I can almost feel that aside from catching up on cleaning and washing, I want to spend a large portion of what weekend I have writing. About, who knows. As for length or substance, it could be anything. But I want to write, which is something I have not really done or desired in quite some time.

There is so much to catch up on, both creatively and physically. My blog has holes in the physical sense, I've not really been telling the story of what I've seen and where I've been and who I have been with. I really do believe I've been blocking it off.

However, I do know that there is unrest about. Almost like its a make or break situation. I know I should sleep on it, but I'm not really sure I could sleep at the moment. The brain is going 100 miles an hour. Which isn't something new either, I go through these phases, I'm just not really sure what to do about it.

M&S Cola -blah

Its lunchtime. I'm taking the time to catch up on a few things. Seems I have been doing a lot of that lately, through no fault of my own or any one Else's for that matter, it's just how it turned out really. Its been a whirlwind 10 days. Starting a new job has started with a bang which has been brilliant. Quite refreshing if nothing else. It's been a long time since I've really had to think on my feet and been thrown so deeply into the deep end. But I've loved it. Yes, the hours have been hard, as has the struggle with travel and routine. Yet, 10 days later I'm still alive and kicking!

True, I've been sick. But I've managed to charge on and with each day that goes by, I feel there is more and more I can understand, I can do, I can attempt to do. People interaction, new programmes, new bits of information I didn't know. Plus, the two guys I work with love me. I don't say that in a big headed way, because I was only told so via a third party. But it's a really nice feeling to be appreciated. Let me explain.

Working for Vic Pol was a great thing. Yes, like everyone else, I had days where I complained. That comes with any job really. But when I returned from Pax Lodge I realised just how much of a number I was as opposed to an individual working to make a difference. Two years I struggled with that. Working and working and getting no thanks, no indication that the place would fall apart without me. Or, well, there were small glimpses of that, but in the long run it didn't really matter if it was me or someone else doing the work. Or at least that's how it felt.

While job hunting here in London, I really did try keep in mind the aim of finding a job that I would make a difference in. As much as wage and location would be a nice thing to have as I want, I know the bottom line is I want a job I can be happy in, a job that I know I am valued as an individual as well as a team. Frankly, this new role of just me and two chiropractors has been a shock to the system! In saying that, I know it's what I want. Yes, I'm learning as I am going as that's something due to circumstances prior to my arrival that can't be changed. For the first time in a long time, I really feel like I matter. And I like that. I mean, I don't want thanks for everything I do. But I do want some every once in a while for making an effort or a difference. If I go that extra mile (which is in my nature to do so) and simple thanks is nice.

Anyways, I'm using my lunch to write this because it's quiet and I just felt like blogging really. I'm done with my lunch and was drinking my Marks and Spencer's' cola and thought I'd drop by. After writing an e-mail prior to this that is. Its during the course of that e-mail as I was listing various ways to get in contact with me that I realised just how much of my life is electronic! There is mobile, e-mail, Facebook, blog, BigLight, MSN and Skype. Goodness me!

The past two weeks I've been able to meet up with some familiar faces. Rachel S and Maria P were in London for various reasons. One thing I am constantly reminded is that no matter how much time has passed (in both cases nearly two and a half years) we can get together and talk like old friends again. I've had the same experiences with Shanna, Erin S, Saga, Ruth, Doreen, Heather, Grace, Carla, Louise and Janet. I love how working as a house cleaner (said tongue in cheek of course) can bring people together!

There is more excitement afoot for Philers this coming week. With all the babble about A Dolls House starring Gillian Anderson opening and then Ros coming to visit, London now has the onset of the IC coming to see ADH and meeting up with out every fearless aussie leader, Sandi. Woohoo! I have to admit to being very excited about meeting her. Conversations twice on the phone just don't cut it now! There is also some small, but excited talk, about X-Con in Berlin in October. I can't wait! Woohoo!! Though I think the pressure to be a rep for all the Aussie Philes will hit me closer to it. OMG, how insane is that?! But still so very exciting!

So here's where I am at travel wise. In August we're going up to Edinburgh, Scotland for the Military Tattoo. October will be Berlin, Germany for X-Con. For a while there I had thoughts about going to Blackpool, England in September for the L Word L6 convention. That one I think for the moment is on the back burner. Soon I shall embark upon a journey to Worthing to see Mother Duck and Liz. I also want to go annoy Ruth in Ireland (she just doesn't know it yet) at some point before it starts getting cold. Though I've dealt with Minnesota in winter, I should be fine with most things now!! Ha!

Then there is summer in London. Always a brilliant time to have things going on. I really must go see some theatre at Regents Park. And I've got to start walking my London LOOP! Ohhh man, I need more days off!! Lol NO WAY!! I've had far too many of those recently, I'm perfectly happy to have none. . . .

Its starts . . .

What a difference a day can make. Here is a prime example that you never know how things will turn out and what hand fate may deal you.

Friday I had an interview. It was for a part time job working for a Chiropractor in Richmond. It was going to be about 15 hours a week split between Richmond and Ealing. Not ideal, not by a long shot, but its work and that's always a good thing, especially after being unemployed for six months now.

I went in, talked about the role until I was informed that half an hour before my interview, the guy interviewing me, was called about the full time CA (chiropractic assistant) in Croydon was going to go off sick for a month. There was the offer of that if I wanted it. Of the two options, it certainly was appealing. So leaning towards that, we went to get a coffee and talk over the details a little more. He left to go back to the office, telling me to come back at 3pm to meet one of the two Chiropractors in Croydon and perhaps learn a little more about what I have to do and how to do it.

When I go back, I meet the fellow, whom then takes me for coffee (OMG caffeine OD!) and explains how the practice works, numbers, hours, clients etc. Its during this time (a mere half an hour after speaking to the first fellow) that I discover the CA is in fact nor returning to work and thus the roll would be full time permanent. Woohoo! By the sounds of things, I'll have my work cut out for me organising and putting systems in place.

Having spent my first day there today, Saturday, I can see a lot that needs doing. First and foremost in my mind, the place needs to be clean. Ewwww it's really, really bad! And there is just stuff everywhere. Just you wait, I'll get it in ship, shape order. You guys know what I am like.

Last night I met up with Rachel, Pax HA from Maine who was in London on her way home from France. It was really good seeing her and catching up and just talking and sharing. It was a lovely evening weather wise too, a lovely summer night sitting in The Garden Gate's beer garden. I then walked up the hill with her back to Pax to find Maria Plaza sleeping and dazed on Heather's couch! I wouldn't at all be surprised if she woke this morning wondering if it was a dream!

Life is about to sort itself out. Watch this space.

Markers

Even an electronic marking of time cannot escape the fate of simply being forgotten with the passing of time. It sounds funny to say it like that, but indeed it's the fate of all the journals I have. I've not a single journal where all the pages are filled. Its almost like I get bored with them and move onto the next one. Or perhaps the cover, the pages, the pen are a reflection of the person I am during the duration of the journal's life, and once that phase has ended, thus too must the journal.

I can't say a lot has happened in a month. But that also is a lie in itself. No longer do I find myself a resident at Pax Lodge, I now call Catford home. For a little while anyways. I'm still looking for work, the 4th of June will mark six months being unemployed, the last three of those an utter nightmare of trying to keep myself sane and occupied and my brain from becoming a stagnant mass of well, nothingness really. I think I've exhausted every puzzle book I have. I'm thinking I should start taking IQ tests just to keep my brain pumping and happy and alive.

June is almost upon me. Yes indeed it brings the promise of summer and fine weather and a life and vibe in London which most people probably hate by now, but one I am looking forward to getting to know again. Summer here is amazing. Alive. Colourful. Busy. Varied. I love it. Indeed the past week or so has seen some glorious sunshine and made my freckles which have been exposed to it, stand out with colour. I think my skin is glad to see sunshine. And a sunshine which won't burn it to the core.

South London is a rather curious place. Let me make this clear now -I did not expect a suburb like Hampstead! I am well aware that the area in which Pax Lodge sits is a rather nice one and not one replicated in many places. In saying that though, the Catford area really isn't that bad. Yes, it's a little poorer. Yes, the transport links leave a lot to be desired for, but it's not that bad. I have moments where I feel out of place amongst people, being only too aware that my skin colour is far too pale for these parts. But I don't feel unsafe. Just different. I take all experiences I have as something new to learn and feel and well, experience. From that point of view I am loving it.

And it certainly hasn't hampered my job hunting either. Since my arrival in March I think I've now hit the 500 applications/e-mails/CV lodging mark. That's insane. The number of interview to come out of that? I think I barely make 20. Of those I've been shortlisted from 400 down to 20, or 10, or 8 or even 2. But not quite close enough yet to secure an income. God I hope I can soon. I really hate being poor!

But there again, its not as bad as it could be. I have clothes and food and a roof over my head. I should be thankful for that. I'm healthy (minus a rash which I think is actually an allergy to something). For the most part I'm happy, though a job and seeing Erin again would certainly fill the quota of happiness in my life. Generally speaking. I'm doing well.

I recently went to the theatre again, this time to see A Doll's House which stars the ever amazing Gillian Anderson. Doing the maths I figured it was 10 years or so since I realised that she did theatre and that same amount of time that I promised myself that I'd see her in the flesh, performing on stage. You have to admit, that is kinda amazing! I've actually done that! Unfortunately she didn't come down to the stage door between the matinee and the evening show, but that's okay. I've still chances to come.

Wherever We Wander, Wherever We Roam . . .

I've been asked a few times in the past weeks about how it feels to be back at Pax Lodge again. For the most part there has been mixed feelings. Things have changed and yet some things have not. There are things I see or hear which make me stop and pause and wonder what the response would have been in my time as a volunteer. Its only natural, I am sure all those who return do exactly the same thing.

To be back has been a new experience for me. Third time returning to Pax and each time has been different. My first time was back on the cusp of adulthood. I'd just turned 18, was in my final months of high school and at a very complex stage of my life. Indeed one of many! I don't remember too much, only that the house tour we took was given by our own London Guide from Birmingham, Ruth. I remember it being a very moving time for my other traveling companions, and perhaps I cried too. I'm not sure. I know a part of me walked away that day feeling that the experience was not as moving as I had expected it to be. At that point, I really didn't believe I'd come back.

Experience number two spanned 14 months of my life, at yet another complex point in time. Many of the people who will read this were a part of that experience. It really was life changing in so many ways. Beyond what mere words could ever help me to express. I grew and learned and experiences, and most of all lived and felt alive. The one thing I do know is that it was unique to me and while some common factors will be shared between those who were there with me, there were personal journeys which no one will ever fully understand or relate to.

Then there is now. The Long Term Resident. Sort of an outsider, but closer to the experience than a guest would be. Generally speaking of course. Its such an interesting role to find myself in. I observe, as I always do, and think about what things the current staff and volunteers will learn and experience about and for themselves.

This evening there were welcome ceremonies and leaving ceremonies. These are somewhat personal moments which will shape how the new arrivals will view there new friends, and how those leaving will be forever engraved into the history of the building. To become another face, or memory or legend that will be mentioned in the years to come, if not by name, but by reputation. I've always wondered what it would be like to be a stranger walk through the door in those moments, wondered what they would think or feel or turn away running from.

I firmly believe that in the atmosphere remains a part of every staff member and volunteer. When a candle is lit, and the lights go down, somewhere in the glowing aura of the flame lingers a special vibe. Its in that swaying light where you can be witness to world peace. To the coming together of different races, cultures and personalities. There is something magical about hearing a Guide Promise and Taps being said and sang in a foreign language. Its in those glowing moments that life bonds are forged.

So while things may change or stay unchanged at a visual level, its those small, quiet and personal moments which remain the same. Words might be different, ceremonies may differ from time to time, but right there in that moment, lay an unspoken understanding as to why each person is there and what they hold closest to their hearts. A special moment to which few are privileged to see and feel and hear.

To my Pax Lodge Family of new friends, old friends, mentors, guardians, sisters and life companions, I just wanted you to know that I think of you often and though we may only see each other once a year, once every four years or once every ten years we'll forever be bound by our memories, experiences and friendships. Life may present us with challenge and change, but together, somehow, we'll make it through.

And if all else fails, I'll always meet you there, Where The Rainbow Ends.

Where I am at

Bleh. That's about it really. I've stopped looking at those online symptom websites because in the past ten minutes I've had everything from Strep throat to Scarlet Fever to who knows what else. I think if I'd kept on going, I would have come across a fatal disease. Totally leaving that alone! But yes, I feel crappy. Have been for a few days now, though the past two have been the worst and I am entering day three of Blehville and day two of nasty spots. Hurry up Monday, I want to go to the Doc!

Illness aside, its stunning outside. Spring has come to London and we've had some simply glorious days of sunshine and blue skies. Everything is in flower and green and just happy looking. Its nice. If I have the energy I am thinking of going out into the Heath for a walk. We'll see.

The past week or so has been insanely busy. I've met new friends (Yay for Victoria!) and met up again with old friends (Yay for Saga, Ruth and Doreen!). Eaten at a variety of cheap eats, played games in the Trocadero centre and won me a toy cat, seen movies (Doubt and Revolutionary Road -totally digging cheap cinema). Even scored two free tickets to two shows! In the same day! Woohoo! The first was 'Shout' a small musical set in the swinging 60s which I have to admit was really good! I even knew at least half of the songs, what does that tell you??? And then in the evening went along to St. Stephens (the little run down church on the corner who know the area) to see 'The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe' which was just brilliant! I was a little weary at first, but they did a marvelous job, even managed to scare the crap out of me at one point!

I'm still unemployed. Its been a busy week on that front too. Two jobs, two call back interviews and two times still unemployed. Though to be honest, the first one I turned down because it turned out to be a job standing on the street getting people to donate money. I'm sorry, I really don't want to do that! In an interesting twist of fate, the person I 'interviewed' with on the second day, I ran into her trying to get people to sign up in Leicester Square. Like that wasn't awkward . . . and then the second job was for a company called Perform which I have to admit to being very excited about. Despite my first impressions of it being a performance school in the arts sense, it was actually a performance school, but looking at a child's performance in speaking and expression and developing skills to help them in life. Very similar to Guides in fact. Walked out of the first interview knowing I had a call back, the call back interview I was very unsure about because it didn't go as I was told it would. There was no logic or problem solving test and to date they've not contacted me either via phone or electronically despite being told they would regardless if I got the job or not. So I assume since it starts tomorrow, I didn't get it. I am pretty bummed about that.

However, it's a new week tomorrow and I just need to put my head down, bum up and keep at the job hunting. The right one will turn up I am sure.

Bout time eh?

After much anticipation, my next post is here! Ha! Yeah okay because people have been screaming at me to hear about the life of an unemployed person in London. . .

. . . Gosh how depressing is that? It's true, yes, I'm still unemployed, and yes, I do have somewhere dire moments of down time, but that's to be expected. On the whole, life is kinda grand. Seriously, I live in one of the most animated cities on the planet, what could be so bad?

Indeed the job search has been much more harder than I anticipated. I've been here a month and three days now and with three interviews under my belt and something like 180 job applications lodged, the odds aren't in my favour. However, the feed back I have been getting has been somehow twistedly positive. I'm over qualified. I've made shortlists, but not shortlists of shortlists. So clearly I am employable. For the right role. Which to date hasn't reared it's taunting head.

So to occupy myself in all this free time I have (well outside of applications which believe it or not takes up a big chunk of my day) I've been wandering the city. I've been to see We Will Rock You again (friggin awesome, if not a little different) and been duped by the movie DUPLICiTY. Walked the gardens of St. James Park, Hyde Park, Embankment Gardens and though not a garden, wandered along the Thames Path. Which I might add had me run into filming for a movie called Forget Me Not. The actress looked somewhat familiar to me, but I cannot place her name. I guess we'll see when the movie comes out.

I've had good times with people. We had a surprise celebration party for Heather who has just passed exams and earned her Blue Badge here in London. Which I might add she gets presented with today. I mingled with a great group of kids for an afternoon of fun. I ran into a face from high school which was something nice and unexpected, a great way to spend three hours on a relaxing day. Visited a few local pubs, including one for a trivia night which we won (with little help from me I might add!).

Been to some remarkable places I missed on my previous visits like the Portobello Road Markets on a Saturday morning (utter chaos I might add!), wandered the rooms of The National Gallery, visited the BFI building on the Thames and even took a trip out to Old Street to see Jamie Oliver's famous Fifteen eatery. Needless to say on my current budget I could not eat there, but I certainly plan to in the future :-)

Overall its lots of little things that have occupied my time. The weekend before the G20 summit there was a PPF march (Put People First) which found me sitting on the base of Nelson's Column (that's somewhat crude in some minds no doubt) for two hours watching the march go by and look enviously at other photographers cameras. Sometimes it takes being somewhere quite randomly to find something to amuse you. I have to admit, that's one of the things I love about London. Somewhere, somehow, there is always something happening.

*sighs* Jeff Dunham is in London tonight . . .

Theatreland

So I decided that since I was going to be by the laptop most of the day job hunting, writting job applications and well, being dull, I could at least go into Central London and do it on free wi-fi! Two issues. I'm not very confortable where I am sitting and I'm not getting a whole lot of job hunting done. Far too many distractions!

Needless to say I didn't get the job I was interviewed for last week. Oh gosh, was it really only a week ago? Wow. Anyways, its back to the drawing board and I figured out on estimate I'm finding 10 jobs a day that I could do, thus working out to be that I've applied for around 70 -80 jobs since I've been here. How can I not have heard back from any of them?! Seriously people!

At the moment I am in Covent Garden, close, ever so close to the Donmar Warehouse where Gillian Anderson will perform the role of Nora in A Dolls House starting in May. It was somewhere to aim for and hear I am. Soon I'll wander through Neals Yard. After that, I do not know.

Recently I have discovered the brilliance of YouTube (yes, slow I know) for watching old TV shows. I'm slowly making my way through the series Birds of a Feather which is a BBC show that's only had the first six episodes released on DVD and that's it. Anyways, I'm loving it! I'm finding episodes I've never seen and it reminds me why I love the show so much.

Its been a nice few days weather wise. The sun has been out and making itself known for hours at a time which makes a nice change. I've finally twigged the more time I spend in the sun, the better I feel. You'd think I would have remembered that from my last winter in London! Oh wells, a little slow off the mark at times I am. You know that.

Jetlag and Beyond

Here I am a month and a half into job hunting, a week and a half into living in London and a day and a half into battling the blues. On the upside, it’s sunny out. Which is a nice change. Hopefully it shall stick around. And I think the jetlag has finally gone.

It’s been a big week and a half, an emotional rollercoaster unlike anything I’ve felt in a long time. In saying that, no one panic. I’m fine and probably experiencing somewhat normal emotions under the circumstances –it’s just not something I’m too accustomed to dealing with! At times I hear Sally’s voice in my head ‘Just keep smiling’ and more often than not, it gets me through. However, that’s not working so I need someone else’s words of wisdom!!

Being home in London the city has been nice. It started coming back from Heathrow and sort of continued into the rest of the week as I ventured in to Leicester Square for a job interview, wandered Oxford Street and shopped in Camden Town and out at Brent Cross. It’s an odd feeling to describe, but it was like coming home and meeting familiar friends. Seeing the somewhat mix match of fashion, the crowds, the setting up of movie releases, watching people shuffle on buses and the Tube. Comforting and familiar. I have to admit it has been nice. And exciting.

Thursday night I went to the Ceremony of the Keys which happens each night at the Tower of London. It’s basically the locking up and has been happening for over 700 years now. The entire ceremony only takes 7.5 minutes to complete, but is so worth it. I think there is something special about standing in the darkened grounds of the Tower of London at the clock strikes ten, as the guards go about business as usual and as a lone trumpeter plays The Last Post as a gentle breeze flaps around the British Flag. Something historically magical.

Settling into home at Pax Lodge has been a challenge. Some things have changed, some have stayed the same. I’ve struggled somewhat this past weekend as move familiar faces descend on the building to celebrate the 18th birthday of Pax Lodge. It was lovely seeing Janet again, rather surprising to find Doreen wandering through the HA corridor late at night and humbling to meet again with various Friends of Pax Lodge whom I am sure are going to live forever, even if it’s just in the hearts and minds of those who’ve met them. Yet despite all that, I have been incredibly lonely these past few days.

Yes, I miss my Erin. Having a constant companion for nearly two years now and on and off before that has found me less able to deal with my own company. Not that it’s a bad thing mind! Being back in a building that holds many memories for me . . . watching the volunteers interact with each other . . . it reminds me of the friendships I made here and looking back between the two time periods, it is not hard to understand why I feel a little on the lonely side.

In saying that, the current staff and volunteers are lovely. I can honestly say that. They’ve been lovely and welcoming and chatty which I have appreciated a lot. Last night I even got to venture into the social room, Finland, which once was home to Priyanka and later, Shanna. So it was a little odd but such a nice set up! They even have a little fridge in there for the keeping of beverages!

A new week has started though. Its Sunday, the Holy Day. For me, just to stick to a routine of some description, means doing my laundry. Joy! Monday brings the promise of a call about a job (wait, wait, and waiting) and the next round of applying for more. It brings me a day closer to my next theatre show, closer to the summer and closer to seeing old friends too.

Writing this I realise I am still to talk about the remainder of my trip North to Minnesota! How slack am I?! You’d think with all the free time I have on my hands I’d be tap-tap-tapping away to share the adventure with you all! And so maybe I shall . . .

. . . Upon arrival in Minneapolis visibility was bad. What I loved most about my few days in the Minnesota Twin Cities, was getting to know Nancy’s (and Erin’s too I guess!) family. My favourite moments were meal times, it’s rare for me to have a meal with 10 people sitting around a table, but with a family of eight children, I should image it was normal for them! I loved it! Seriously. The project for those few days was to sort through lots of old photos and documents from passed members of the family. I touched documents and photos that were over 100 years old, it was simply amazing!

Also coupled with that was a trip across the border to River Falls, Wisconsin to visit Wendy from Canada. It was lovely to see her again and finally get to see her slice of heaven. And heaven it was! It was just wonderful! We went snow shoeing which was a very new experience for me and I learnt lots about the prairie work being done in her area. Next time I plan to stay longer and explore the area a little more.

Coming home from Minneapolis, we stopped in Wabasha (yes home of Grumpy Old Men!!) and visited the National Eagle Centre and I got to see a real life Bald Eagle and hold some of it’s feathers. I can tell you one thing, I’d not like to come under attack from one of those birds!

Old London Town

And here I am! Two and a half days later I think I might just be getting over the jet lag. Possibly. I'm not really sure, I'll let you all know when I wake up, lol. In all seriousness, it wasn't so bad. My flight from Chicago got into Heathrow 45 minutes early. The flight itself was good, three seats to myself and it was only 7 hours long! That's a push over! The hilarious part occurred when I left the airport, lugging about 120 pounds (approx 60 kg) of luggage between a suitcase, a backpacking backpack, a normal backpack, a laptop case, handbag and a pillow, plus two jackets. Needless to say I was very tired by the time I reached Pax Lodge. Exhausted even. Someone on the Tube made a crack about me having enough stuff to move house. He didn't have a thing to say when I told him that was pretty much what I had done!

For those of you who have been to Belsize Park Tube station, the stairs to get up to the lift area have never seemed so daunting. Seriously. I have about a billion people go past me (okay that's an over exaggeration) but no one helped. Not even the silly people who walked up the stairs behind me, they just huffed and puffed because I was slowing them down. Whatever!

In saying that, its rather odd to be back. Hampstead still looks, sounds and smells like it did. That's a rather strange thing to say, I know, but all I can tell you is that it simply does. I was recognised by the woman at the Crepe stand, she even remembered what I ordered all the time. I didn't realise I was such a memorable person.

The past two full days has pretty much seen me trying to settle in, doing food shopping, feeding myself, unpacking and making house in my room. In addition to that, it's been some pretty hard core job hunting. And thus far it seems to have paid off. I have my first interview next Wednesday which is rather exciting, and I was also contacted by a woman from a recruiting company who specialise in Government jobs. All works for me pretty much, I'll take anything thrown my way!

And Pax. What can I say? In a lot of ways, things have changed. But in others its still very much the same. An amusing moment occurred when I closed the door to get into the shower. While the inside of the building has been painted and things have been moved around and what not, despite all the changes, I can close the door of the shower area and find Caro's German lessons still on the back of the door. Its almost comforting in a weird kind of way. I'm also enjoying simply watching. I was asked by one of the RVs if I wanted to go up the Crepe stand with them (and I said yes of course!!) and found myself looking at them as an outsider, watching and wondering if that was how we looked a few years back. It too was kind of comforting.

Last night I went and had dinner with Sally, Andrew and a few of the St. Johns people. For the most part I spent most of the time catching up with Sally. Despite the jet lag, I actually enjoyed it and was glad I went. I considered not, but did. Only issue was I went to the wrong Pizza Express, oops!

I'm still to finish up writing about my last few days in the United States, I am sure I shall get around to it one day, like putting up photos. Its very jarring to suddenly be in another country again. I'm starting to understand why people look at me like a mad woman when I explain the saga of being an Australian who was in the US on her way to moving to the UK.

However, I have no regrets and am still optimistic about getting a job. Perhaps I should revisit that thought in about a week or two!

London Baby!

I have decided that I have a lot of things in common with Joey from Friends. Some, not all. Anyways, its his excitement for the Mother Country that is echoing around in my mind as I sit here at Chicago International Airport. I’m writing this offline as I have to pay for wi-fi and since I am leaving the country, that’s pointless. So here I am.

Its a rather strange sensation. I’m sitting in an American Airport listening to a group of British people talk. And it sorta scares me. In a good way, I’m sure, but I think suddenly I have realised just how huge this. Every once in a while I have these moments which remind me that I’m likely to be a tad crazier than most people. Clearly I am. I’m excited scared.

To make matters worse, the woman at Cincinnati when I checked in decided I needed to be on the earlier flight to give me more time in Chicago. Needless to say I had four minutes to say good-bye to the love of my life and future mother-in-law. Can you imagine how gut wrenching that was? In one way I guess it was better because it didn’t drag the wait out. However, I’d have liked a little more than four minutes! Needless to say it frazzled me some. But I am here, I made it.

In addition to that, I’m no longer an excess baggage virgin. Yep, I paid a lovely $50USD for having too much. In reality, it should have been $100USD but the man was nice and said in this hard economic time, everyone needs a break. I’m not a religious person, but bless that good man.

Alas, here I sit. That opening line was just for Erin. I’ve barely been able to write about my last week or two in the States and I’m off to the next country. I figure my first few days will be dedicated to getting over jet lag and getting my boxes to me safe and sound. Thus it should provide ample time to catch up on the blog and upload photos on Facebook. Or at least that’s the aim. If I somehow manage to get an interview, that’s so coming first!

Closings and Openings

Here I sit with officially less then a week left in the United States. Can someone explain to me where almost three months of time has gone?! Seriously, it feels like only yesterday that we unloaded the van from our trip across the South from Los Angeles. Though maybe that's because we got back from Minnesota yesterday and were unpacking the car . . .

Right, the journey North. It was lots of driving, I know that much! I was actually surprised at the lack of snow we had driving up. Even as we neared Minneapolis the ground was much more visible than I had anticipated. But back a little.

To break the journey we stayed in Bloomington/Normal over night. Which was probably a good thing as three people and a bunch of luggage in a smallish car does not bond well with around 5 hours of driving. I have to admit, nothing eventful happened here. Not that I expected it would.

Night two we stayed in Des Moines with Erin S. On the way we stopped at Iowa 80, the biggest truck stop in the world (or so it boasts) which was kinda cool in a truck stop kind of way . . .We got to the city just before dusk and Erin showed us around the Living History Farm where she works. It was so cool! If not dark and a little cold too. But I really enjoyed it and was fascinated with her job there. We met all the animals (alive and dead . . .) and saw into all the buildings including the 1900s house where they hold dinners off season. Note to self, must go back and experience this!

After unloading at Erin's apartment, we ditched Nancy at her hotel and the three of us headed downtown for dinner and a little entertainment. What I do remember about Des Moines was the very cool library that was glass and quite see through, as well as the numerous walkways above the roads from buildings to buildings. We ate at a place whose name I can't remember, but it had dueling pianos which was pretty awesome. I managed to make a fool of myself by falling flat on my face after misjudging the distance from the stage to the floor. Oh wells, its not like I am ever going back again!! Anyways, I requested Men at Works 'Down Under' which I have to admit to really enjoying!

The next morning after a stop at Starbucks, we hit the road again aiming for Duluth, in North Minnesota. It wasn't until we were an hour or two away that we started seeing the sorts of snow I was expecting. After stopping at the traditional half way mark, Toby's, for doughnuts, we arrived in Duluth after dark. As we pulled into the street where Nancy's sister lives, we spotted deer just sort of wandering around the neighbourhood! I was so excited! I would imagine that's the image everyone has of Australia, only substituting the deer for Kangaroos!

That evening I met the first new family member, cousin Valerie. Despite not meeting her cat Bijou, I feel like I know the cat too! It struck me as amazing as to how similar Erin and her cousin are. It was during conversations that Betty's Pies came up.

In the morning after Mickey Mouse shaped waffles for breakfast, Erin and I went out into the snow and had lots of fun. Only I wasn't able to make my giant snowball as it was the wrong kind of snow. However, it was the most snow I'd ever played in so I wasn't complaining one bit! Erin made a cave for Sealy and I managed to break the end of a pipe. So it was all eventful. When we came in we talked about the plans for the day before heading back down south to Minneapolis. And here, Betty's Pies were talked about again.

We piled into the car with Kay and headed out to Lake Superior which was frozen! It was so awesome! Because of the wind and current, the ice was sliding along and snapping and crunching and it was amazing! It was so cool! Seriously, it was great. I even picked up one of the bits of ice and it was like a huge sheet of broken glass, thick and clear and really heavy. Getting back in the car to defrost a little after my experiences with my second Great Lake in less than a week, we continued the journey North to Two Harbours and a destination I'd heard lots of talk about. Yes, Betty's Pies. And I can tell you, after trying several types of pie, I can so tell you it's totally worth it! That stuff is the best pie ever! And I had a scrumptious pasty too! I was a very content Aussie after that lunch I can assure you!

What I love most about the morning was driving along the lake and the scenery and the snow and the sun, it was just so wonderful and I think I started to fall in love with Duluth and the surrounding areas. I can totally see the appeal!

That afternoon Nancy rode with Kay so it was just Erin and I in the car down to Minneapolis. By the time we got there, it was dark, there was snow falling and it was like driving in fog. We're on the interstate and having a really hard time seeing the lines on the roads. It was really kind of scary. But we made it, safe and sound. And there at the end of it, were Erin's Grandparents! It was so good to see them again!

Passing Time

So anyways I wanted something to do to occupy myself. Here's where we are at. We were supposed to leave for our trip to Minnesota this morning. And we will, don't get me wrong! Nancy had a Docs appointment in Lexington (on the way on our trip) and we were going with her and leaving from Lexington. Makes total sense. Its along the interstate we need to go. But no, Erin comes in last night and tells me Nancy is going alone and will come back and get us. Way to lose at least two hours travel time! How stupid is that?! I totally don't understand why, it just doesn't make sense in my mind. Needless to say, I'm awake and have been for a while and am sitting here looking at our bags and just fuming about it because its argh!!!!

Okay, now I've gotten that out.

The trip is passing by incredibly quickly. Suddenly I'm left with about 15 days in the US and freaking out about money and jobs and much uncertainty. This is somewhat normal I well imagine. And in the grand scheme of things I shouldn't worry too much. I have a place to live and some money. So it'll be fine. I guess I'm just sort of idle and am used to going right back to work after a holiday.

Last Thursday we hit the road to Southbend, Indiana to go and see Maggie in her Notre Dame world. And a very awesome world it is too. Great little flat, huge campus and even snow. What more could you ask for? She even has squirrel friends!!! We spent Friday in Chicago which is a much huger place than I initially thought it was. Yes, it looks big on the map but in real life its positively massive. We spent the day in the downtown area which may not sound big, but it really was. Saw Trump Tower and the Tribune Tower, at deep dish pizza at the first pizza place in Chicago, went into Bloomingdales and spent the afternoon out on Navy Pier which no doubt is much more exciting in summer, but I loved in anyways for it's totally random Stained Glass Museum. That and I saw my first Great Lake! Yay!! It was like being on the side of an ocean! Seriously!

The train ride there and back was somewhat interesting. The train wasn't as I expected it would be for a long distance trip. Coming home it was highly entertaining in an annoying way. Two and a half hours with all walks of life. Hmmm.... some stations weren't even stations, there's just a patch of asphalt and that's it!! AND the trains go down the middle of streets! Okay so at home they usually run along the back of houses, behind the backyard. Nope, down residential streets, its down the middle of the road where the cars and things are! Weird!

On Saturday morning we walked around the Notre Dame campus. Area. School. Uni. I'm not sure what to call it. Anyways, I saw Touchdown Jesus!!! Yay! And some very nice looking buildings. Its almost like being transported to Oxford or Cambridge. Anyways, we went into the library and up to the Medieval floor and into the graduate area (you have to know the magic code) and I touched books that were like 700 + years old! I was so scared to drop one!! Oh my gosh!! And they're just there are reference material . . . cripes!

Homeward bound we decided to stop overnight at a place called Nashville, Indiana. It was such a quaint little town! It was great! Met a random person who led us to random place to eat and had the best food ever! Okay maybe not ever, but it was really, really, really good! In the morning we wandered around all the little shops of candy and candles and art and craft and it was great!

Driving back to Lexington I drove Erin mad with my half hour updates of how soon it was we were going to see Jeff Dunham and the last hour was the worst because I think I went totally loopy and insane. However, he was awesome!! The bulk of the time was spent with Walter, Achmed and Peanut (with an appearance by Jose) but at the end he bought out Bubba J because apparently he's a Kentuckian . . .anyways, that was hilarious because everyone in the audience (generalising here) knew the lines!! Plus I now have a very cool Peanut shirt which I'm rather excited about. Two hours of Dunham and Co live, what a great way to spend a Sunday night.

In general we've just been home and seeing movies or finishing up on the house. The last week we were on Tornado watch which was pretty exciting. But nothing eventuated. Nancy tells me I can't talk about Whiteouts because with my track record, we're likely to have one during our time in Minnesota! I can't help it!

As The Day Closes

I’m in such a weird mood. Well I shouldn't say weird because I am sure somewhere along the line someone is likely to point out its probably a very normal mood for someone in my situation to be in. So no, not weird. Maybe nostalgic. Maybe reflective. Maybe contemplative. I guess the weird part is that I’m not really sure what has sparked it. No, that’s not really true either. It all sort of started at dinner last night as we were sitting there eating our pasta in Olive Garden.

See, we were talking about Italian cooking, and as a result of that I started talking about my Nonna. It seems terrible to think that now all the things that made her who she was, all the things that made her memorable in my mind, just aren’t there anymore. I won’t hear her say things, or won’t smell things that are just so typically her. And so I began to think about how that part of my life is now something I can’t go back to.

Then we started talking about family trees. And so I was mentally putting mine together in my head and this morning when I got up I actually mapped it out. Don’t get me wrong, I want to make this very clear now, I am not missing my family. Well yes I am, but nothing more than is to be expected. I don’t regret the big move I am making or anything. I just, like I said, I’m just a little nostalgic.

As I swam deeper into my nostalgia, I realised just how much of a brink of nothingness I am. I mean that in a positive way, despite the negative connotations its probably just revealed in your mind. I sort of feel like I’m perched on the edge of The Grand Canyon (I can say that now I know what it feels like!). I’m sturdy on the edge, but right there, right in front of me is a vast empty and open space. I really don’t know what is next. I mean, I can plan for things to be next, but in reality there is no promise of anything. I’ve shifted everything I know to be constant (in its inconsistency) and placed it in the realm of uncertainty.

Relax. I’m not freaking out. I guess I suddenly just realised the scope of what it is I am actually doing. Nothing is going to be the same, not really. Not in Australia and not in London. At least not the way I remember it. I have no great expectations and am rather excited about the prospect of starting a new life there. But the familiarity that I have with London is somewhat superficial. I will merely be seeing things that look familiar. People I knew from my previous time there will have changed, that’s to be expected. So I’m not worried about that. Like I said, I find it rather exciting.

I don’t know, I guess I am just in a thinking mood, but not anything in particular. I think I feel a little left of centre right in this moment. Like having an out of body experience. Or having prior knowledge of something before it actually happens. I really just don’t know how to explain it.
Here in the dusk I am sitting here looking out the window at the fast approaching evening sky, listening to Nickleback and well, feeling like there is a huge expanse of space within me. I’m a little concerned that people are going to think I am spacing out or having an emotional breakdown, I am not, let me make that very clear! I’m just trying to figure out what it is I am feeling and put it into words. Its not really working very well.

Blessed. I think I feel blessed for how life is turning out for me. No, it hasn’t been easy, but then I am also very aware of other people and their lives and really I have nothing to complain about, not that I am wanting to complain. Argh! I don’t know! I’m frustrated! Stupid words! I had indeed intended to sit down and write postcards that I’ve now had sitting here for close to two months. Ones I’d picked up on my trip when I first arrived in the US. I just haven’t yet. And I should. I’m lazy. I’d also hoped to spend a little time writing. Or editing. And I haven’t done that either. I think I’m just letting the days sort of drift by. With less than a month here, yep, just 25 days until I fly out to London, you’d be thinking I’d be making some big attempts to be doing things I’d hoped to achieve in my time here!

And yet the only thing that really concerns me, is trying to fit everything into my suitcases! Ha!