Crap, where'd October go?!

Everyone stop. Don't move and stay exactly where you are. No more letting the calendar days turn over. Just put the brakes on! I realised last night that I've only got about 40 days left in the country and that scared the living crap out of me. Lots to do. Though in saying that, some things are sorted. We've got new tenants coming into the unit. So that's cool. I picked up the moving boxes last night, so that's cool.

This weekend I'm going over to Tassie to see my grandparents, and perhaps it may very well be the last time I see my grandfather alive. Which scares me greatly. He's not well, hasn't been for some time but it seems he gets worse and worse every year. Its funny, my grandparents have always been there. Both of them. To have just one just doesn't feel right. Its really sad. The last time I went to the UK my grandfather said his goodbye to me then. If I am honest, I'm not really sure I can handle another right now. That's selfish I know.

I also have to try and see my dad and that side of the family before I go. That's something I feel I ought to do as opposed to something I want to do. In all honesty, they are strangers to me. I know them no better than my co-workers. In fact, I probably know my co-workers better.

NaNoWriMo starts on Saturday. Its going to be an exciting adventure, I've decided this is the missing case from the life of Agent Manchester. The case that brings her home. It's got a dark bad person in it. Titled Persona, it has promise to be somewhat dark and complex. And on the subject of NaNo stories, there's a chance In A Heartbeat (my 07 entry) could be published. It's a self publish job (ie not picked up by a company) but published none the less! Woohoo!

Slowly, Slowly

So anyways, things are starting to fall into place. Finally. I mean there still are n o concrete plans. But things are happening. I’ve found the company which will ship our items which is all very exciting and all for around $800 assuming we use all 12 boxes which I am doubting because we really don’t intend to take that much!

Next comes wedding plans. Again, while no firm booking has been put in place, we’ve found avenue we can afford, are happy with and will be kinda different. Its not ideal (is anything) but the closest we’ve come to so far. Hopefully we’ll make that booking in January. Six months in advance should be enough, right? In addition to that, the guest list is shaping up nicely. We’ve talking about posting Vs electronic invites. Still no thoughts on what we are to wear, but that can come closer to the day. For me I know that will come down to how much weight I can shift. I have an idea in mind, it’ll just be a case of seeing if I can fit into it!

Then there is Kids on the Block. While again there are no confirmed things in place, there is interest enough to have a possible hand over before we go. Which will be nice! Its not a complete weight off my mind, but it has indeed lightened the load.

As for the unit, we’ve had six inspections with two more lined up for tomorrow. Phew! I’m a bit over the strangers in my hone deal, but at the end of the day it’s all in our favour.

There are still other things on the list to sort out, however, it knocks over a fair few big ones even to have those small rays of light in place.

NaNo is fast approaching and in talking to some people it sounds like there are plots and everything in place. I feel kinda slack on that front. However, my character in my mind is starting to take a little more shape which is reassuring. A little.

I need to go figure out something for my car!

Observations

Its rather interesting to watch how things grow and change. I know of late I’ve not been happy with where I am working and the amount of work I’ve been doing. But the lack of it has allowed me to sit back and watch people. I almost feel like I am back at Pax Lodge where there was the world of the Snr Staff and the world of the HA’s. And sometimes they would collide. In this case it’s 452 and 412 the buildings. In contrast to 412, 452 is like stepping back in time to High School. It’s insane.

Also amusing. See, because of my fast approaching departure, I’m in the unique position of really not giving a damn any more and not really caring that I feel that way. To watch and witness the yelling and screaming (both physically and metaphorically) of others and their plight to keep things as they always have been, I’m in a position where I am able to see the changes happening and the direction they are going in.

This leads me into NaNoWriMo and my thoughts about that. I mean I have this creepy little dark person which has no cause or worth or rhyme or reason. At the moment I feel like I am looking at the world through some sort of special window. Like I can see things coming. And I’m wondering how I can use that. I’m also wondering how I’ll hit my word count this year! I’m also hoping to go to a few of the social events to meet a few more NaNo people. Not sure how successful that attempt will be, but the want and meaning is there.

Friday night I have Region Dinner. I’m both looking forward to it and dreading it. Last year was mighty painful and a little dull. I remember Region Dinners and Breakfasts of years past that were full of laughter and talk and friendship. Now days it seems like there are teams and sides and it’s all about politics. The friendliness has gone. While I’m wishing I could just stay home and relax, I know I’m sort of expected to go because this indeed will be the last Region event I will go to. I don’t know, it’s just sort of hard to feel enthusiastic about it.

Here Comes NaNo!

I have to admit to being slightly excited about NaNoWriMo this year. I mean there is all the normal excitement there as well, but also the sense of challenge I'm now putting myself towards because there is going to be a hell of a lot going on.

Other than my somewhat dark character making it'self know (genderless at this point) I don't seem to have a whole lot to work with. However, last year Cassandra in my piece In A Heartbeat, did exactly the same thing so I feel like it's okay not to be concerned. Still, I'd like to have a title before I start this year. Or at least one that sticks.

We'll see how it goes. Just 14 days to go!

Put Put

Just pottering along the road to a Nervous Breakdown. Okay, so its not that serious really. But I am feeling frazzled. The final strawer came when my car broke down just outside Port Campbell at like 8pm at night, again 20km later and having a tow truck arrive at 10:30pm. While in hindsight it certainly was an adventure, it was the last thing I needed. Three and a bit ours home in a tow truck is not fun let me tell you. However, finally, four days later, I'm gearing up to pick up my little baby this evening after work. Yay!

There is a lot going on. That's obvious. Slowly but surely I'm becoming more aware of things I will miss. Singing taps with the girls at Guides on Monday night had me kinda choking up. Though we have established the emotions are kind of frayed at the moment.

Working at E-Crime still kinda sucks, however in my moments of spare time have managed to possibly find a wedding reception venue, found a good price on a flight (just need to book it) and even found a shipping company which actually has a special on at the moment for shipping to the UK. Some things are looking rosy which is nice.

KOB is a nightmare in lots of ways. Had to cancel a show because of car issues and I'm now starting to fret that no one is coming to the training next weekend and as a result of that, I've not a clue who I am going to hand over the puppets to. Give me strength.

There are good things though, let me reassure you. The weather is getting nicer, I'm getting excited about my multiple trips in the US, plus Erin and I celebrated three years together back on the 14th. And alas, on the far horizon, there is a slight glimmer of hope for a third X-files movie, oh how wonderful that will be!! Argh! AND Gillian Anderson will be ina play next May in London and I am so there! Woohoo!!

Bizzard, Very, Very Bizzard

How so? Simply I couldn't think of a title to "blog about' so I just thought of any word and that's the one that came to mine, thanks Pen. Lol. To be honest I don't really have a lot to purposefully say, I just sort of want to ramble and I don't know why. This is why after a while a physical journal fails to work for me. I can type much quicker than I can write and I always feel to use the ink and the paper, I should write something worth saying. Not that I am saying what I have to say isn't worth saying. It's just well, not quite.

Thankfully it's Friday. The thoughts in my head right now are whining. Its only been a week, it terrifying to think I still have three more to go. My mind is also sort of all over the place about a lot of things. Time is ticking by. I think I could be talking in about ten different directions if I were verbalising all of this.

You see, recently I came off my anti-depressant. Which isn't a big issue, it was half a tablet and working on methods to balance my moods. It took a long time to be able to admit that I took them and a long time for me to understand depression itself. First of all that there are varying degrees and ways in which is can impact on a person's life. I for one have been better off for the knowledge I gained and the help that half a little white pill has given me.

However, I don't want to be popping pills the rest of my life regardless of how small it is! The thing I actually wanted to say was that I was so sure I could handle things on my own, and frankly I am. Its just I notice the different in how I handle things. Its a this point that I bring those methods of control into play, those coping mechanisms. Its actually quite nice to be able to take control. But in coming off that little while pill, I'm actually aware of just how much of a difference it made. So it's really kind of fascinating really. Okay, maybe that's a little twisted for some of you. But human behaviour is exactly that!

I'm trying to figure out how to explain it. Okay, think radios. You have an old style manual tuning radio. You get fed up with it. So you upgrade to a new, auto tuning one. Perfect. Clears the static, makes life easier. But after a while you come to understand that you would always tune the old manual one, you just lost touch. So you go back to it. Takes a while to clear the static away, but you certainly can do it.

I think that's the best I can do.

Moving on, aside from the above which I had not an intention of talking about, life is busy. I'm in a temp role in another building which I'd rather be doing without, but oh wells. Guides is keeping me busy. The unit is growing nicely. International is sort of pushed to the side at the moment because Kids on the Block has sort of taken precedent considering the time frame I'm now on to have a hand over. We also have a training day coming up. The gym has fallen by the wayside to make room for Nancy's visit and preparing for the onset of moving. Once she leaves it's all systems go for packing up the house. Or beginning to. Then there are trying to pin down some plans for the wedding. Good grief!

My brother has moved back to Melbourne and is living with mum. I'm not sure what to feel about that and I'm not so sure it was a wise move. However, I could be proven wrong. I just hope it all works out for him is all. He's a good kid. Well, young man now I suppose!

Of late I've been thinking about the person I was and the person I am and the person I am aiming to become. There's always room for growing. But its kind of hard when two of those three merge into being. There are patterns of the old Rachael starting to return. Starting to panic and be scared. Starting to want things that I cannot have. Worst of all, starting to question everything that is.

Just another day in the life of Rachael! Man, one day I'm gonna write a book about it all.

Just 21 days until NaNoWriMo 2008 begins. Bring it on!

Monday It is (ITIS!!!)

You know I really do not want to be here. But not in the usual way. Right now I'd be more than happy to be at my desk back at 412. I'm left wondering if I'll be able to hack the slowness of this place. There is like, nothing to do. Seriously. I'm at the mercy of updating the admin folder and I can tell you now I am ever so glad that I dragged it along to work on, Oh my GOSH!!

The weekend was nice. Not long enough as always and having daylight savings start didn't really help. However, found a house I really, really like! Not that I'm looking for a house at the moment. Its just that Nancy wanted to go and see some display homes so I took her out to Caroline Springs while Erin was at work. Anyways, found a home by Porter Davis that I liked a lot. More than any of the others there and we looked at like 16 or some crazy number like that! Anyways, it struck me how modern and ugly homes have become these days. That and how huge they are. I mean seriously, do people really need that much space to live in? And come on, there was like at least three lounge/living areas in each!! Darn scary it was.

Friday I bought myself a journal. I assumed that soon enough I'll need it and there's not always a chance I'll get to my blog. That and not everything I think or feel should be expressed in such a public place. Some things I do wish to remain entirely my own thoughts.

My other excitement/time taker-upper which will start soon is NaNoWriMo, no longer am I a virgin! Phew! I think it's going to be a crazy month and initially I'd hoped to blow 50,000 to high heaven, however in reality I'll be happy enough just to hit 50,000 in the first place!! So far no major ideas have made themselves known. I'm not too concerned yet as I came up with In A Heartbeat just days before it started. This year all I have is a genderless person in a dark room who seems to pick at their skin a lot. Kinda nasty if you ask me. Ewww.

Suddenly its October!

There's an obvious opening. Just in case you'd not noticed the date at the start of this post. A lot of things are going on in my mind at the moment. Some good, some bad and some pretty neutral. Which is always a good thing.

It's now two months and four days until I leave Australia. It all sounds so final. For a time I was okay with that and I still am, it just feels like all of a sudden it's become even more final. I'm not sure it's a feeling I can put into words. But its more looming now. There's lots to do, but lots to not do because I have to wait for things to be done!!

Nancy arrived well and safe, and with her came the return of the Erin I've tried so hard to live without. That sounds horrid, it's not meant to be. But Erin can be very childlike at times, and being around her mother brings that out in her. There are moments where I just want to scream "For God's Sake she's 23 years old not 10!!". But alas I cannot. Simply because they have a somewhat unique relationship to any I have with anyone else. So it has been trying at times. Aside from that, we've had a pretty full on time. There was an evening along Southbank, then there was the Royal Melbourne Show and then an AFL Grand Final BBQ in a real life aussie back yard, and then we hit the road for four days to go up to Canberra. We had some simply stunning weather I have to admit.

What struck me driving along the road was a sense of self, but not centred on me, rather on Australia. There is something nice about driving along for hours on end on a straight road with lots of "Australian-ness" around you. Its hard to explain. The landscape is amazing and somewhat unique to anything I've seen before. A part of me would like to one day take the time to drive around Australia, armed with nothing more than clothes, food and a camera. I think it would be kind of cool. I guess I developed an appreciation of the place. And laughed at a few names along the way.

I've started working at e-Crime for a month, something that was pushed onto me with short notice (in true Vic Pol style) and while its slow and boring and different, and despite the fact poor Jade is left holding the fort at DTF and CLS, I can't help but want to be back there. Back at my desk, doing my work and being around things I know. It's rather odd here. I'd like to note that for amusement factor, I've discovered the mess room has bookshelves in there with all sorts of books on computers and their programs. It's amusing, I'm at Geek central and these guys seem to pretty proud of that. I feel out of my depth. I felt stupid asking how to turn the computer on this morning because it wouldn't work for me!! Alas, most normal users would have had an issue too. So I don't feel too bad.

Oi, give me strength!