The Road to Plymouth

I'm not actually going to take the metaphorical approach to that one! Basically, I need a break, albeit a cheap but effective one. I've been asked a few times now why I chose Plymouth. Pretty much I looked at my UK map, chose somewhere in Britain I'd not been to yet, was far away and cheap enough to get to. And here I am!

The idea of a 5h 20m coach journey might seem like a nightmare. True, I ended up with a stranger next to me who stunk to high heaven of airplane (you know that stale air smell, and admittedly she did get on at Heathrow and admittedly she said she'd been on a plane all night . . .). True the bloke behind me never once got off his phone. True, for a multitude of reasons the journey became close to 7 hours. But frankly, it didn't matter. As strange as it sounds, the further we drove from London, I could almost feel myself relax. Put everything out of my mind and just enjoy the scenery, the brilliant tunes on my iPod and consider that the only thing which would improve the trip was if I was actually driving. And somehow I don't think Dave would be okay with that. Mind you, by the time we got here he may have been willing!

When I chose a weekend to take off, it didn't occur to me to check for a Bank Holiday. And then when I chose Plymouth, it didn't occur to me to check for the annual Plymouth Mini Marathon . . .but oh wells!! Point being, the traffic today was chaos. Combined with road work (which there seem to be a hell of a lot of!) we were all ready behind in time before we got to Bristol. By the time we got to Sedgecombe, we were so far behind that we had to stop because Dave the driver had to take his mandatory 45 minute break. Frankly I didn't care. I was enjoying the trip! The scenery was stunning and it was a glorious day! Sunshine and blue skies.

The coach's final destination was Penzance, and the irony was not lost on me when Captain Jack Sparrow boarded. I'm serious!! Though I was disappointed when he alighted here in Plymouth. Speaking of which, there's a WalkAbout here! I've found my entertainment for tomorrow night! Anyways, along the road I spotted deer, a hawk and a dinosaur. Driving through Bristol I saw a group of guys in women's bathing suits. Armed with cans of beer. No doubt they'll have had an interesting evening!

Plymouth was lovely when I got here. Seaside!! It has been a stunning evening and I've just sort of relaxed and enjoyed a TV! I found my way from the bus station to West Hoe with little or no direction or help, just the memory of a birds eye view map of the area! I came to the Guest House/B&B I'm staying at where I was greeted by the husband of the couple who own the place. He's Spanish and introduced himself with his Spanish name and seeing my concern at being able to pronounce it properly, he declared that I could just call him Justin! I'm staying on the second floor in room number 7. Its my own room, has a shower and sink it in and the toilet is out on the landing. I quite like it. And the bed is comfy and I have a TV, lol. So it really is a holiday!! For those of you who don't get that, I don't have a TV at home and haven't for over 12 months now.

Anyways, I unpacked everything and then went out for a walk to a local store and purchased a few bits and pieces in terms of food and snack type stuff for the next few days. I then stopped at a fish and chip shop and got my dinner, then went and sat on the seaside and ate it. Literally, it's like a 2 minute walk from here, if that. We actually have a roof top garden here and the view is very cool! I am thinking I may go sit out there at some stage over the next few days and do a little reading. Maybe Sunday evening.

Still Waters

Oh my goodness, was that Summer who dropped by today?! At long last it seems some full on sunshine and heat has arrived. And a descent temperature showed up as well, clouds vanished and the streets were empty. Everyone was too busy stripping off and laying in the park!! I can only assume this mind you as I didn't wander very far from my flat today, but that seems to be the trend here. A little sunshine equals a lot of skin. I'm not going to get into that argument because my point always seems to be lost! I must learn to argue it better. Perhaps one day I will. That day though, is not today.

Today was better than yesterday. Simply because I was left up to my own devices which is always an added bonus. In saying that it was filled with domestic duties. Thus it frees up tomorrow for a much more impending task at hand, and one that has been continuing since the middle of Feb. Though that in itself seems to be an echo of words I muttered this time last year. Its fate puking itself up again no doubt, trying to teach me a lesson I missed the first time. Well newsflash: I missed it again because I'm in almost the exact same position!! Almost. At least this year I have a job. Which doesn't say a lot really, and not that I am ungrateful or anything, I just know next time I ought to think things through a little bit. There are so many aspects of that problem I could have done without, I promise you.

Right now things feel a bit like a calm lake, right before the monster comes out and grabs you. I'm tempted to just jump in and cause a splash and make rippled. But its also scary too. I actually hate this feeling because I don't know what's next. I should have seen it all coming really, jamming myself in between a rock and a hard place.

I'm not really sure I'm saying anything at all, just writing words for the hell of it. I've not made any sense of anything, though perhaps if you've made sense of it, you're one up on me!! Its getting on in the evening. I was awake into the early hours of this morning, and kind of dozed a little earlier this evening which I should have guessed would have been a bad mistake. Will make sleeping this evening and interesting task to say the least.

Along the Edge

Its been incredibly hard of late to put into words what it is I've been feeling and will continue to feel for some time yet. Late this afternoon I took a nanna nap. Yes, laugh, but that's not where I was wanting to take this!! During this nap, I dreamed a vivid dream unlike any I've had for a very long time. Scope wise, it felt like I was watching a movie at IMAX, on a massive screen in 3D motion.

I found myself walking along a high clifftop, right along the edge, arms spread either side of me to help me hold my balance. To my right spread the ground with trees and grass and roads and buildings. An elaborate canvas of colour and life, with birds and cows. Long grass, short grass. An abundance of stability and foundation, in a representation of all that is routine and solid. A person could run and laugh, dance and sing. The sun shone. It was perfect. Yes, solid is the right word.

When I looked to my left there was nothing. A vast expanse of space as the ground gave way to what could only be described as a canyon. The feeling as I looked out was much like the one I had standing on the edge of the Grand Canyon, only bigger. I couldn't see the bottom. There were thin clouds and moisture. A great opening of soundless air and chills waiting to swallow me whole. If I fell I would fall slowly, arms waving frantically and my face filled with fear.

And yet the duration of this dream I walked that fine line in between. Right along the edge. Constantly looking from left to right and right to left. The edge continued in front of me for as far as the eye could see. When I woke, I realised that is what I felt. Its what I feel. Like everything right now is a delicate balance and until my footing fails me and I fall either way, I must continue straight ahead being taunted and teased by each possibility but never knowing which way will end up being my fate.

Life has become heavy. I feel that for the first time in my life that if I had a remote control, I would not fast forward nor pause, rather I would rewind. Now, let me say this firmly and with certainty: I am not wanting to move back to Australia and I am not regretting the move. But what I crave is a life which at one point felt complicated but in hindsight I know really wasn't. Not truly. To pause life as it is right now is to be stuck in a void of nothingness, nothing beyond simply existing. Fast Forward would mean knowing what fate had planned out for me, it would have the answer I am terrified to have, yet crave like a drug addiction. Thus my only option for grounding is rewind. To go back to a time where by comparison I felt happy. I felt secure. I did not feel scared. As a person who is constantly told how strong I am, how mature I am, how much I am admired for having guts and daring -I really am not that person. For what feels like the first time in my life I am terrified of so many, many things.

Mindless Stuff

I wonder why it is you cannot cut your own hair? I mean, you clearly can. Just pick up a pair of scissors and snip away. Chances are the outcome won't be ideal, but you could do it. Its just that I'm in dire need of a cut. Its bad. And so I was thinking this morning as I was brushing my teeth, about how I could cut it myself and keep it somewhat presentable. Yes, I'm stingy and cheap I know, but I'm on a budget!! So my little mathematical brain was trying to think about angle and cut and well, it just didn't work out for me. Tips anyone?

Then on the way to work this morning I started to think about sunglasses. You see, its been bright enough of late that I've needed a pair because the daylight is hurting my eyes. I mean, bright sunlight. Yes, we do indeed get some here! Point being that on Saturday on my way home I went and got a pair (yes on a budget, tis my middle name!) and well, I'm happy with them. Which is good. And rare. So I wore them home which is fine. But I also had them on this morning as it was bright and sunny out. And it struck me that I was the only person I could see who was wearing them. I felt a little bit odd. Actually if I am honest, I felt really daft!! I was just suddenly aware that I was like the people who wear sunglasses in shopping centres. Anyways, I began to wonder if I was the only person who was like that. Are my eyes really that sensitive?

You might wonder about the significance of these to rather mundane and pointless pondering. Its simple. For me its a sign my brain is starting to function again. There are times that it becomes so stagnant that there are no thoughts in there at all. Its empty. Hollow. Like a giant hall you can make footsteps echo in. Yet when I start to have these thoughts, for me its a sign that the cogs are beginning to turn again. Usually this doesn't happen until October, right before I am gearing up for NaNoWriMo. Right before I'm trying to think of something to write about, like my body is expecting that to happen. So I'm curious, what might this mean now?

Sunshine Days

There is something brilliant about the colour which surrounds you in spring. Flowers start to bloom. Trees once more look healthy, grass is green and much more blue sky appears. When you add sunshine into the equation, what emerges is this canvas of bright and vibrant colour. Greens and pinks and blues and all sorts. Its really quite a glorious thing to see. Somehow it always manages to lift your spirits.

Goodness knows I need it. Genuine smiles these days are few and far between. All things considered, its a wonder I smile at all. But I do. That's one of the worst things about my job. No matter how I feel inside, you just have to keep smiling. Keep making people believe all is well and good. I sometimes wonder if thats why I find myself being so tired. Goodness knows my sleep patterns have been all over the place, but maybe its the sheer energy it takes to wear that face all day . . .true, some days I just can't quite do it.

A lot is going to happen. Six weeks from now life could be a very different thing. There is a fork in the road ahead and I'm driving about 100 miles an hour to get there. And I won't know I've hit it until I literally do. That's the scary part. I can plan and anticipate either outcome, but until it arrives no amount of prediction is going to help me deal with the reality of it. Sounds all rather dramatic I know, however the truth of the matter it really is. For me. For the people involved. What scares me is the distinct lack of support I have here. Emotionally. I really don't feel I have anyone to go to, not without it being weird or awkward. Likely on my part, but that's me!

Which brings me to a very special group of people I want to talk about. My Aussie X-Phile Family. Corny, yes. Very geek like, yes. The past month, maybe two, I'm not really sure because I've lost complete sense of time passing. Point being that for some period of time now they've been a source of love and support in a very distant way and when I least expected it. Truth be that we're from all over the place and I've only actually met four of them in person. Yet many more have been a part of some mass postage campaign of love whereby I come home at the end of the day and find a random postcard waiting from me. Even from people I have never met. More often than not, it makes me both cry and smile all at the same time!!

Just over two years ago now I joined a very small Facebook group of fans. Seriously guys, it was small. Over that time it's grown and they've become a group and a family I'd never expected to have and one I'm not sure many people will really understand. I've learnt a lot from them, and together we've each been rocks in time of a storm, a ray of sunshine on a dull day, a burst of laughter from the most serious of moments. I guess I just wanted to say, somehow, that I appreciate everything I've gained from them. I'm so far away from all that once seemed familiar during a period of turbulence unlike anything I've prepared for. And yet there, on the sidelines they wait, ready to swoop forward and hug me. Of sorts.

However, it also points out to me the lack of human contact I have. Lack of everything I have right now. And I mean everything. It scares me a lot.

I did indeed find a Guide Unit to join which I have to admit is very exciting. I've only been along once to see them, but I look forward to a bright future with them. A huge group of 30 kids all roughly the same age which will be a new challenge I'm sure. But it's an exciting one. I walked away that night and found that a small part of me had been revived. Bring it on!!

Let me point out. At this very point in time I'm not sad or depressed. Indeed I'm not overly joyous either, I just am. I'm thinking about things. I've been applying for jobs. Trying to figure out what I'm going to make for dinner. Listening to music, contemplating reading, tossing up the pros and cons of going for a walk and risk being rained on. My mind is going around in circles and I know that sometimes its good to word it out. And thats what I am doing.

Well see what started it was looking out my kitchen window and the now filled trees again. The thoughts just sort of flowed from there. As they tend to do.