Time to Think

Around the world this weekend there are a lot of celebrations going on. Yes, it's that time of year again, it's Thinking Day. To all the non Guide people out there it really means nothing, but for those of us involved, not only is it like any other Thinking Day, it's thinking day 100 years on. Big, right? I have to admit to being somewhat disheartened that on this be celebratory weekend I'm curled up on the couch/bed with piles of snotty tissues (ah such a glamourous image!) feeling incredibly sorry for myself. I really hate the sick season!

In saying that however, I have caught myself at various times today thinking a lot. I think the whole disheartened thing was a large theme running through a lot of it. Thus far 2010 has been pretty sucky, with some news all unofficial like, which makes it crappier still.

I had to go through some photos today. Well, it was a three fold project really, two I've been meaning to do for some time now, one came to me today. I guess what I found in the photos was a lot of promise. A lot of happiness. A whole bunch of snap shots from a period of about 5 years of my life when I can honestly say there was a lot going on all for good reason. Now, not so much.

See, its nearing on 12 months since my arrival in the UK. And I really don't feel like I have achieved a whole lot. Don't get me wrong, I'm not ready to pack my bags and return to Australia, rather far from. And I also want to note that I never expected that 12 months on life would be perfect and peachy keen. Because in reality I knew that was never going to happen. I know a process like this takes time. Hell, I'm sure that 12 months from now there is a possibility I could still feel the same way. I guess, I dunno, I guess I've gone back to losing sight of what I wanted.

Even then that's really a lie. I've never been a person who has my life mapped out. Like most kids, I wanted to be a such and such when I grew up. But nothing ever really stuck. Going into high school I didn't really know then either what I wanted to do. I started to have a panic attack in my VCE years because the co-ordinators were piling on the pressure to make choices about a future I wasn't even sure of yet. So I finished high school and went into the work force, still not knowing what I wanted to do when I was a grown up, despite having all ready entered that world. Still, to this day, I really don't know what I want to be. I suppose that's consistency for you! I guess I worry a bit that I'll just let the years pass me by never having achieved anything.

And again, that's a lie. Because I know in my heart of hearts I've all ready done far more than most people ever will. But I've gone back to feeling like I don't have a purpose, like something is missing. In August of last year I had a faith crisis. And a few times since then it's raised its head again. So maybe what I am feeling is once again another faith crisis, I don't know. But what struck me today as I was thinking and looking at photos, is that I really have, in some ways, become quite idle. And I'll be honest, I hate that.

People dream of the right job. For me, I've not a clue what that would be. Surely I can't be the only person out there who feels this way? And not that I am having an age crisis or anything, because I am not as I know so much can happen and change in a short period of time. But in just over four years, I'll be 30. I used to know people who had their life to 25 planned, they knew where they wanted to be. Frankly, that scared the crap out of me. Why must I limit myself to what I only think should happen? That totally rules out anything that could happen. However, I'm now over half way in my 25th year, past that age where the plans stopped. And yet, I'm still just bopping along. Drifting.

Its funny. That was the title of my NaNoWriMo entry last year. A part of it came from this feeling I was having at the time. However, as with most writers minds, my imagination took over and it became much larger than a feeling and far more dramatic. I am telling you, somehow I missed my calling for Hollywood. But the bare fact remains that I very much had that theme in common with my main character. That feeling of simply drifting. Driving along an endless road until eventually you run out of road to drive on.

So, I hear you ask, what about Erin? Its funny, my relationship with her was something completely out of the blue. When I initially left for Pax in June of 05 just shy of my 21st birthday, people swore blind I was going to find myself a 'Lovely English Chap' and come home married. Or close enough. Imagine the surprise when a) that hadn't happened and b) actually I've met a woman. . . in saying that, I wouldn't change a thing. Erin has been the one constant feeling (despite the bumpy road it's been) that has kept me sane. That in many ways has kept me alive and helped me to become who I am today. In saying that though, I look at her sometimes and envy her. And in fact, many people in her life. Because they all went and did what they wanted to do. Or are working on it.

I guess what I need right now is some assurance that I'm not the only person in the world who feels this way. So please, if its you, or you know someone, get them to drop me a line!! To a degree I do have a little faith, I have faith in the belief that one day yes, I will wake up and know exactly what I am going to do with the rest of my life. But until then, I can't help but feel like I've missed something.

So anyways, Happy Thinking day everyone!!

Wide Open

The final words of my last blog, the round up of 2009, seem to haunt me in the echos of my quiet flat. Indeed the start of 2010 came along and blew the doors of life wide open, far wider than I thought was still possible. Life is curious in that way. Just when you think the worst is over and that you've almost reached the goal, the aim, the end of it all, a curve ball appears from left field and you're sort of left standing there stunned. Wordless. As if woken from a dream that was both vivid and distant all at the same time.

Every once in a while, other words haunt me. Some which I have said, some which others have said. Combined, it does make me worry somewhat just how much more is going to be pushed and thrown not only at me, but my loved ones as well. I mean, surely there must be an emotional endurance level when once hit, that's it. You get an easy ride. Okay I can hear some of you now practically yelling at me that it doesn't really work that way. Logically I know this. But you can't blame a person for hoping now, can you?

A month and a half into 2010 and I find myself standing out on a limb. Stripped bare. Metaphorically speaking I feel naked, standing in the middle of Trafalgar Square on a hot summers day, the world looking at me as though they can feel and hear and be privy to everything I am thinking, feeling and experiencing. You know me, I am a somewhat private person which is somewhat laughable when you consider I write those very words in an online blog and spend way too much time on Facebook. I guess I mean more by way of emotions. I'll gladly tell people that I am fine when in reality it's likely I am not. Its a rare few that can actually get past that and find what is making me sad or angry or any number of other emotions I seem to go through on an hourly, daily or weekly basis.

Sarah, the wisest of my therapists (why yes, shock horror I've had not only one, but three) once said that while writing a journal is a great tool for personal benefit, it can also be a harmful measure for a person who remains a great deal closed off from those who care most about them. The idea behind a journal is to write the continuance of thoughts which a person feels they cannot verbally say. But when thoughts aren't even started to be spoken of in the first place, therein lies the problem. I guess that was partly the reason why I started my blog in the first place. It was a step towards leaving the journal pages less filled. True, I still have the option of choosing what it is I reveal to the world, however it's progress.

So, the point of this? In the 46 days that has been 2010 so far I've experienced an array of emotions at a far greater level of intensity than I ever have before. I've struggled. Some of you I have talked to about this, others I have not. Those who know me best know not to take it personally if I haven't, because it really isn't intended that way. Old habits die hard and I spent so long not telling anyone anything, that every once in a while I slip back into that routine.

There are a wide variety of issues for me at the moment. The most prominent, and most obvious, was Erin's arrival and very sudden and unexpected departure in January through no fault of her own. In the 10 hours I paced the arrivals hall of Gatwick Airport I was faced with a very real possibility that I might not even get to see her. In fact I was so convinced they were going to deport her immediately that when I was eventually told they were going to grant her temporary entrance into the country, I was somewhat shocked and a bit unsure of what to do with myself.

However, what stays with me most from those hours was the sheer physical pain as to what I was feeling. It hurt. I really felt like I was dying inside, like a part of me had been violently ripped away and I was never going to get it back. Now, I'm not a person to take things for granted. I've learnt to appreciate and hold onto the simple things in life. But what I discovered was that I was taking for granted that everything was going to be okay. That my Happily Ever After was about to happen and nothing could get in the way of that. I took for granted that I love Erin. And I do, don't get me wrong, but it was almost like that entire experience made me realise just how much I actually do love her. How much I rely on her company and care and love and warmth. To be suddenly faced with having that taken away, it took the wind out of me. It crippled my spirit. It rendered me alone and isolated like a lighthouse on the coast.

Many, many people have asked me how I am doing. What I am feeling and how I am coping. For the most part I've shrugged this off and said I am fine. There are several close friends I've not even discussed how I feel with and to be honest, I don't know why. I guess I just didn't want to feel those things any more. Despite the crowds coming and going in the arrivals hall, I dealt with what felt like the most traumatic emotions of my life thus far, alone. Part of me really doesn't want to feel that again. But a part of me knows that it's important to feel them and to release them and to let others feel some of it too.

So while I won't declare to the world here every thought and fear and emotion I have or feel, I can at least make a start and perhaps make sure that some of you don't allow me to get away with simply saying I'm fine. Because the fact of that matter is, no one really pushes. They just take the fine at face value. Ultimately if I don't want to talk about something, I can come right out and say so. But until I do, I often just need a little nudge in the right direction.

In saying that, I don't expect to be interrogated the next time I see or speak to you!! I guess I was more just wanting to say sorry to anyone who may feel a bit hurt by my not being open and sharing. I am feeling a great deal of things and being the control freak I am (come on people, lets be honest here!) I don't know how to cope and as a result of that, I don't want to lose control of the front which most people see as me coping. I think to a degree we all feel like that at times.

Thus, to answer the ever asked question: I'm good, all things considered :-)

Now, I do believe the kettle is whistling to me and two wonderful men by the name of Ben & Jerry are calling to me. Time to curl up on the couch and do some DVD viewing before facing yet another week in the world.

Good Night All.