Is it Time?

Time struck me today. Yes that's right, it reached down and hit me on the side of the head with a force unlike any I've ever felt. No, not really, but provides for an interesting image doesn't it?! The hands on my watch, extending out from the face, swishing around in the air and making contact with my skin, snapping my head sidewards . . . but back onto my point.

I was sitting on the train thinking about things. Seems I have been doing that a lot lately. Not necessarily in a bad way, just like my brain has started to want to process again and I wander off into my thoughts and it needs to be something jarring which brings me back to real time. Point being I was watching the rain dribble down the windows and it occurred to me that this July marks a decade since I first went overseas. I mean we've been saying it for a while now, how we should have a SOAR reunion and get together. As it turns out, there is a chance we could be doing that but I don't know, it seems crazy to think that it's been a decade. Really?

There's a part of me which can't quite comprehend my life in decades. Yet it is. I'm two and a bit years off three decades of life. I can't fathom that it's ten years which have passed. But then something else came up the other day which made me think the very same thing. I've not a clue what it was though. 'Oh it's been a decade since . . .' nope it's gone, long vanished from the memory.

To Show For It

As yet another year of my life passed me by, I realised that as an individual I didn't achieve anything. And I can hear some of you now, screaming at me YES YOU DID! But let me explain. For the most part 2010 was a year I'd like to forget. Looking back I don't feel like I have a whole lot to show for it, as me, as Rachael.

In 2010, as a part of a relationship, I went through a lot and ultimately achieved a great deal after a great amount of effort. Not only did my partner get into the country, but we legally Wed and are now Wife & Wife. Which I do admit to gaining great joy out of, especially when I drop it into a conversation! Makes people pause. And amuses me.

From a career point of view, as a practice team, we did accomplish a great deal. And we should be proud of what we were able to do all things considered.

Being a member of an International Movement, I joined the UK Girl Guides and found a unit which seems to have become home, as twisted and as crazy as they are. I do quite enjoy my Friday nights. Some may argue that this was for me, and in some ways it is, but I also place a lot of faith in going good for the community. Thus, I am.

When I talk about not having anything to show for that twelve months of my life, I talk about the things which are for me personally. Take the London LOOP for example. I had intended to finish it in 2010, but as it turns out, I didn't even walk a single leg of it. I attempted NaNo, but failed to reach the word count. I had hoped to do something about my writing. But in the grand scheme of things, I just let life happen and the time pass me by.

Frankly, it pisses me off. I am not, nor have I ever been, the kind of person who does that. So I got a little indignant about it and decided I needed to achieve at least one thing each month this year that is for me. I still have a few months to fill in, but I'm thinking something like this:

January: Complete pitch for Publishing Competition
February: Wedge every single day (for my neck) and Firewalk (thanks Vic!!)
March:
April:
May: Complete two legs of the London LOOP
June:
July: See Harry Potter, opening night.
August: Enjoy my Wedding Celebrations & catch up with Family and Friends
September: Complete two legs of the London LOOP
October:
November: Write 50,000 words for NaNo
December:

Yes, there are still some holes in it. But you get the idea. While I have given it some thought, there is still more to be made and no doubt over time it'll change a little. But I want to have done something, be it for personal gain or enjoyment. For me. As an Individual.

Primitive Fear

I feel somewhat self centred in my motives for writing this blog.

There are times when I want nothing other than to talk about myself and what I am feeling. Which some might argue is the very point of starting a blog. Honestly speaking however, that's not something I tend to follow through on because of the public nature of this document. Which in turn sort of renders this a redundant activity to immerse myself in.

On the other hand there are the times, like today, when I feel so helpless or scared or in awe that I can do nothing else other than write. In the grand scheme of things it can do nothing to bring about change. Not really. Not with things in which there is no control. I mean some change, but not now, not like this.

Right now Queensland is flooding. The worst since 1974, with the anticipation that horribly the worst it yet to come. I guess it wasn't until I was reading about how the city of Brisbane was having its power purposefully cut off that I understood how extreme it was. Yes, I've seen the photos and the video. But it's not until I read those very words that I felt scared. And I'm on the other side of the world. I can't imagine what it must feel like to be there, in the same state, the same region, the same city, the same street. It like watching one of those end of the world disaster movies, you can do nothing but sit there and watch it unfold. The difference being that this is real life. These are real people in real situations. And I feel somewhat helpless. Like many people to I should imagine.

It puts a lot of things in perspective too.

For me 2010 was a bad year. One I am ready to wipe from my memory like writing on a chalk board. Okay, fair enough there are a few moments I'd like to keep but for the most part it sucked. Some of that has carried over into the New Year. I'm still struggling. With a lot of things really. But when I think about people being swept away and pets being lost and homes being destroyed, I realise how much I still have to be thankful for. Yes, I have friends and family in Queensland. And not to discredit my love and care for them, but some of the most important people in my life are here with me. I can't imagine being swept away from them. I would be gutted. I know I would. The sheer thought of it makes me want to grab hold of my loved ones and never let them go.

Again, the reality is I can't. And it scares me. I begin to realise just how insecure I have become in some ways. How fragile I seem to think my foundations are. And I can't understand why. I've always been such a strong person. Right now is not the time to have that fail on me. I have some choices to make. Some truths to face up to. I need all the strength I can find. But physically I simply can't and its now taking it's toll on my mental well being. So I get scared easy.

Which brings me back to the floods. Many years ago I remember being shown a map of the future world. A Spiritual friend of the family showed it to me. I can remember thinking how unlikely it seemed to be. Thinking that parts of the world can't be flooded or eroded. Not like that. Not so soon. Not in my lifetime. But then as I got older and more worldly, I understood that for a lot of reasons it could very much be something that will happen in my lifetime. And so when I get scared, in moments or disbelief or despair, I think of that map. And when I see the images of the flooding on the TV, it's all I can think of. When I see the photos, I see the map. When I read the stories, I can sense the tears, the fear, the panic. What if it were sooner?

All that, and I'm not even there. Gosh it must be terrifying.

I'm not big on the power of prayer. However, I'm thinking now might be the time to change that.