On The Eve...

...of my 27th Birthday, while rendered motionless by a problematic knee, I decided it was about time I came and wrote. I have thought about it a number of times however its rare to get time to myself. Not a block time where I can sit down and ponder, or babble or whatever it is I feel like doing.

A few entries back I made a list of what I wanted to achieve this year. I laughed when I read it because yes, I managed the January plan but that was about it. Shame. In saying that, there have been a large number of changes going on so all things considered I have indeed achieved things, just not the things I'd planned to. But then that's life and I'm pretty sure most of you are aware of that, be it in your own lives or indeed in following my own journey.

Tomorrow I turn 27. In the next three years I really only have two major things that I want to achieve. One is to publish a book, the other is to have a child. The first has never really been a secret, more that I need to keep saying it because I will run out of time life being what it is. The second a few of you have known about, and there are probably a few more of you who knew about the desire but that was as far as it went. As the months flip by, I find myself confronted with a number of growing body complaints. My fears are that as I near the age of 30, the genetic disease I have will start to take effect. Through the wonder that is Facebook I've been able to connect with a network and an organisation here in the UK for people with the same problem. And although the effects on everyone will differ, there is a general pattern and I'd like to be as active a parent as I can. I'm not panicking, I'm just aware is all. While Erin cringes at the thought of giving birth, hence that's my job, she has been very supporting and even getting on board with the whole being parents thing. Which I admit, I'm pretty happy about!

Moving swiftly along from a subject I could probably talk about for hours, work has well, worked out! Its been three months now since I finished with Back to Health. I only realised that the other day and was struck just how swiftly life has continued since then. Indeed I'm also every once in a while reminded about how much of my life, my emotions and general well being was impacted by that job. As much as I hate to admit it, what has been said is true. I'm much happier now. So, where am I at?

At the start of May I started at Pax Lodge! Yes, I'm a paid staff member of WAGGGS which is pretty darn cool, lets be honest!! Much has changed while in some ways much is still the same. On a day to day basis it may seem that I've traded one evil for another, but I don't believe that is the case. I spend at a minimum 15 hours a week commuting assuming all runs to time, so understandably I am tired. However when push comes to shove on even the most horridly stressful, complicated or annoying days, its worth it. There's a bigger picture coupled with the job that I was previously lacking. I'm working for an organisation that I am passionate about, in a building which I care about which has a history that is partly my own. You have to admit, that makes me a very lucky person! How many of you can say that about your own jobs?!

Obviously, I don't live on site which was a large part of the appeal of the position. I've done my time!! That sounds terrible, I know. But having previous experience living and working in the same place for 14 months, I know I couldn't do it again. Its a great thing to do, but I am at a different point in my life now, and it just wasn't an option. The advantage is that for the most part by the time I've reached the front door, work has been left behind at work which is nice and something I've not done for a number of years now.

Times Are A Changing

Fickle is a word I like a hell of a lot. I think for such a short word it's just ideal to describe a certain feeling which at times can be quite complicated and you expect a word which is fitting to explain that feeling would be somewhat longer. Perhaps it's just something I think about and everyone now officially thinks I'm weird. Oh wells.

The biggest news of late was my finally being pushed over the edge and resigning from my job. It in itself is all rather complicated because its both gut wrenching and freeing. The closer my final days come, the more sure I feel that I've made the right choice. However, it's hard to say good bye to the patients (and there have been a wide range of responses) and the people I work with and its scary to know that I still don't have a job to go to. I mean, I have a week off, then we're flying out to the US for two weeks and then I need to get a job pretty soon after that. I'm sure it'll be fine. But it doesn't make the unknown any less scary. I am sure that can be applied to a variety of circumstances and I'm sure a number of you, if not all of you, can relate to that feeling.

In saying that, I have been working hard at applying for jobs. And I've spent more of a focus on jobs which I want, or for organisations I want to work for. Yes, I've registered with a few temp agencies because the bottom line is, I will need money!! But I think my general level of happiness will improve greatly because I think there will be less of that feeling where I am constantly fighting a losing battle. Its all a bit too morally disheartening. I can't function like that and I feel like I've come far enough in my own journey to finally be able to do that about work. And things I don't really have to do, or choose to do. I mean, there is always that little voice which gets worried about decisions I make. True, at the moment life is not ideal and if it all boils down to it, I'm here and now because of a choice I made. Yes, moving to the UK was a choice Erin and I did make together, but I pushed for it a lot more than she did and I think she'd have waited a while longer. However, it's done now and here we are. Its sort of empowering really to know that life can be influenced that much and changed to much.

Which makes me think about all the people in Japan. To be going about daily life and suddenly have a natural disaster like that unfold, and then have more bad things happen on top of each other . . . I think it certainly challenges the spirit of a nation and a culture. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Its heartbreaking to see it on the news, and to hear how things are still unfolding. I thank my lucky stars that I do have the life I have and lets face it, I'm happy and healthy and have a steady place to live. I have people who care about me around me.

Ahh TV is so entertaining. There's so much rubbish on there! And what qualifies as entertainment is crazy. I feel somewhat horrid for going from Japan's Disaster to something as unimportant as TV, but I have it on in the background at the moment.

I'm debating going outside. It feels like springtime is finally here. There is sunshine and cloudless skies out there. Yes, its still kinda fresh out there but its so lovely to see the sun and see how pretty it makes everything. I was thinking about gardening. Not today, but soon. However I really don't know all that much about it! I like the idea of growing things, but I don't have a great track record in doing so and I'm also wondering if I should have started planting things by now? I haven't a clue!!

Is it Time?

Time struck me today. Yes that's right, it reached down and hit me on the side of the head with a force unlike any I've ever felt. No, not really, but provides for an interesting image doesn't it?! The hands on my watch, extending out from the face, swishing around in the air and making contact with my skin, snapping my head sidewards . . . but back onto my point.

I was sitting on the train thinking about things. Seems I have been doing that a lot lately. Not necessarily in a bad way, just like my brain has started to want to process again and I wander off into my thoughts and it needs to be something jarring which brings me back to real time. Point being I was watching the rain dribble down the windows and it occurred to me that this July marks a decade since I first went overseas. I mean we've been saying it for a while now, how we should have a SOAR reunion and get together. As it turns out, there is a chance we could be doing that but I don't know, it seems crazy to think that it's been a decade. Really?

There's a part of me which can't quite comprehend my life in decades. Yet it is. I'm two and a bit years off three decades of life. I can't fathom that it's ten years which have passed. But then something else came up the other day which made me think the very same thing. I've not a clue what it was though. 'Oh it's been a decade since . . .' nope it's gone, long vanished from the memory.

To Show For It

As yet another year of my life passed me by, I realised that as an individual I didn't achieve anything. And I can hear some of you now, screaming at me YES YOU DID! But let me explain. For the most part 2010 was a year I'd like to forget. Looking back I don't feel like I have a whole lot to show for it, as me, as Rachael.

In 2010, as a part of a relationship, I went through a lot and ultimately achieved a great deal after a great amount of effort. Not only did my partner get into the country, but we legally Wed and are now Wife & Wife. Which I do admit to gaining great joy out of, especially when I drop it into a conversation! Makes people pause. And amuses me.

From a career point of view, as a practice team, we did accomplish a great deal. And we should be proud of what we were able to do all things considered.

Being a member of an International Movement, I joined the UK Girl Guides and found a unit which seems to have become home, as twisted and as crazy as they are. I do quite enjoy my Friday nights. Some may argue that this was for me, and in some ways it is, but I also place a lot of faith in going good for the community. Thus, I am.

When I talk about not having anything to show for that twelve months of my life, I talk about the things which are for me personally. Take the London LOOP for example. I had intended to finish it in 2010, but as it turns out, I didn't even walk a single leg of it. I attempted NaNo, but failed to reach the word count. I had hoped to do something about my writing. But in the grand scheme of things, I just let life happen and the time pass me by.

Frankly, it pisses me off. I am not, nor have I ever been, the kind of person who does that. So I got a little indignant about it and decided I needed to achieve at least one thing each month this year that is for me. I still have a few months to fill in, but I'm thinking something like this:

January: Complete pitch for Publishing Competition
February: Wedge every single day (for my neck) and Firewalk (thanks Vic!!)
March:
April:
May: Complete two legs of the London LOOP
June:
July: See Harry Potter, opening night.
August: Enjoy my Wedding Celebrations & catch up with Family and Friends
September: Complete two legs of the London LOOP
October:
November: Write 50,000 words for NaNo
December:

Yes, there are still some holes in it. But you get the idea. While I have given it some thought, there is still more to be made and no doubt over time it'll change a little. But I want to have done something, be it for personal gain or enjoyment. For me. As an Individual.

Primitive Fear

I feel somewhat self centred in my motives for writing this blog.

There are times when I want nothing other than to talk about myself and what I am feeling. Which some might argue is the very point of starting a blog. Honestly speaking however, that's not something I tend to follow through on because of the public nature of this document. Which in turn sort of renders this a redundant activity to immerse myself in.

On the other hand there are the times, like today, when I feel so helpless or scared or in awe that I can do nothing else other than write. In the grand scheme of things it can do nothing to bring about change. Not really. Not with things in which there is no control. I mean some change, but not now, not like this.

Right now Queensland is flooding. The worst since 1974, with the anticipation that horribly the worst it yet to come. I guess it wasn't until I was reading about how the city of Brisbane was having its power purposefully cut off that I understood how extreme it was. Yes, I've seen the photos and the video. But it's not until I read those very words that I felt scared. And I'm on the other side of the world. I can't imagine what it must feel like to be there, in the same state, the same region, the same city, the same street. It like watching one of those end of the world disaster movies, you can do nothing but sit there and watch it unfold. The difference being that this is real life. These are real people in real situations. And I feel somewhat helpless. Like many people to I should imagine.

It puts a lot of things in perspective too.

For me 2010 was a bad year. One I am ready to wipe from my memory like writing on a chalk board. Okay, fair enough there are a few moments I'd like to keep but for the most part it sucked. Some of that has carried over into the New Year. I'm still struggling. With a lot of things really. But when I think about people being swept away and pets being lost and homes being destroyed, I realise how much I still have to be thankful for. Yes, I have friends and family in Queensland. And not to discredit my love and care for them, but some of the most important people in my life are here with me. I can't imagine being swept away from them. I would be gutted. I know I would. The sheer thought of it makes me want to grab hold of my loved ones and never let them go.

Again, the reality is I can't. And it scares me. I begin to realise just how insecure I have become in some ways. How fragile I seem to think my foundations are. And I can't understand why. I've always been such a strong person. Right now is not the time to have that fail on me. I have some choices to make. Some truths to face up to. I need all the strength I can find. But physically I simply can't and its now taking it's toll on my mental well being. So I get scared easy.

Which brings me back to the floods. Many years ago I remember being shown a map of the future world. A Spiritual friend of the family showed it to me. I can remember thinking how unlikely it seemed to be. Thinking that parts of the world can't be flooded or eroded. Not like that. Not so soon. Not in my lifetime. But then as I got older and more worldly, I understood that for a lot of reasons it could very much be something that will happen in my lifetime. And so when I get scared, in moments or disbelief or despair, I think of that map. And when I see the images of the flooding on the TV, it's all I can think of. When I see the photos, I see the map. When I read the stories, I can sense the tears, the fear, the panic. What if it were sooner?

All that, and I'm not even there. Gosh it must be terrifying.

I'm not big on the power of prayer. However, I'm thinking now might be the time to change that.