The Year That Was

It's time. Time to write and reflect over the past 12 months of life. Its the season to do it, of course, as not only another year ends but a decade as well. They've been calling these past 10 the Noughties which is a rather unfortunate name when you think about it. Ha, just 10 years ago I was 15 and half. Finishing year nine. What a year that was. But alas, it should be this past year I should be thinking most about. And so I will.

For me it's rather strange to think that I've been gone from Australia for nearly 13 months now, however have only been in the UK for 10 of those. I keep saying that once it's been a year things should have settled a bit, so in some regards I still have a little time. I suppose that's what has made the year a bit bumpy and unstable, certainly the first part anyways. You know this year alone I have lived in four different addresses. I do believe that's a new record for me! It's been the year of moves bought on by the biggest one yet at the end of last year, the choice to move to the UK. Since leaving Australia, I called Richmond KY, USA home for three months. Then I flew to London calling Pax Lodge in Hampstead home again for three months. Then from there I shifted to South London, living in Catford for two months before shifting once again to my current home in Croydon. Where ideally I'd like to say settled for a bit! I moved there on the 4th of July and now, just over six months later (oh my GOD I only just figured that out) I think it really is starting to feel like home.

A part of me in recent weeks has questioned the value of the past year. In some ways I feel like it's been a bit of a waste and partly feels like I don't have a whole lot to show for that passed time. What has made me feel like this is comparing the foundations I had in Australia to the ones I have now. Unfairly so. I've had to keep telling myself that the foundations there took 21 years to achieve. I can't expect miracles over night. And so with that in mind, I look forward to the New Year with the hope of a new job (one I choose rather than one which is simply there) and the hope of meeting more new people and starting foundations and creating memories and a life here.

Indeed it's been a rough year for the emotions. I've struggled with my depression much more than I thought I would. But again, under the circumstances, I've done quite well! I've said some hard good-byes some of which are much more long term than others. I've said hello's once again to people from my previous life here as well as my previous life way back there. I've stressed over being unemployed, then stressed about being employed. About money. About gaining weight again. About getting to the point where I am happy. Somewhere in there I dealt with painful wisdom teeth, a flu (several times), having domestic life prolonged much longer than it was supposed to have been and I even scared myself in there with a bit of an alcohol problem. This latter one, to relieve any concerns, is now gone.

However, I don't want to dwell on the negatives and what sounds like such a bad time because in all honesty, it really hasn't been that terrible. Its been an amazing year of growth for me and once more I learnt just how much I am capable of dealing with. To praise myself a little, a lot of people told me as I went into this that they admired me a lot for what I was going to do. At the time I looked at the move as simply something that I wanted to do to make myself happy. To make a commitment to the person I want to share the rest of my life with. I didn't see it as a big deal at all. A wise friend told me that I might not recognise the scope of this until later on when I reflected back over it. As always, she was right. What I've put myself through these past 12 months in some ways make me sit back in awe. Was I really that naive about it all?!

The flip side to all that is the series of adventures I've had. Some grand. Some momentous. Some special just for me. But each month has presented an adventure of some description. True to myself there are some which stand out more than others and some which words cannot even begin to do justice to. And so it's those now that I focus on and wonder just what the New Year will bring.

December saw me leave Australia bound for the US for three months starting with an awesome road trip across the Southern States of the USA. And what a trip it was! I think it worked out to be 15 days in total starting in LA (and then onto Disneyland!!) and ending in Kentucky. Along the way seeing sights which will always make me smile, some which leave me in awe and the chance of catching up with Shanna & Philip (and meeting Anna-Claire!). I blogged a lot about those days which I am sure should you wish to, can go back and read. The month also saw me celebrate my third Christmas Kentucky style, complete with fireworks, the Girl Scout gathering (which always rocks my world) and pasta on Christmas Day.

January will always be remembered not for Australia Day in USA (complete with beer and footy), not for the onset of a killer ice-storm (good grief living in a hotel is not really all that fun) but for Obama's Inauguration Day. Yes, I was there the day that history happened catching what could very well have been hypothermia out on The Mall amongst millions of people. It truly was an amazing few days and it was incredible to watch people come together for an event which represented so much hope for change for so many people. Washington D.C went from being busy, to really busy to sardine style busy over the course of a weekend and I was in crowds I hope to high heaven I'm never in again. But it was TOTALLY worth it!

February was the month of many more miles on the road. With thanks to the ice storm's effects which filtered over into the start of the month, our trip to Minnesota was postponed and tagged on later in the month with a trip to Des Moines to visit Erin S. In the middle came a trip to South Bend to visit Maggie (and Notre Dame!) where we ventured across to Illinois for a day in Chicago and a visit to my first Great Lake. Jeff (Fa-fa!) Dunham (dot com!) made an appearance in Lexington, KY which was totally awesome and very, very exciting for me (not so much for Erin who was stuck in the car with me). And then there was Minnesota via Des Moines. So. Much. Snow. Seriously! It was so beautiful! I saw my second Great Lake (it was frozen which was very cool), ate some great pie in Two Harbours and caught up with a grand old Canadian friend in Wisconsin. I also got to spend time with lots of Erin's family which simply had me in my element. I don't come from a large family, so it was a very new experience for me and one I honest to god hope to enjoy again!

March sucked in a lot of ways. I flew solo back to the UK to start on the adventure for some time I'd been feeling was one I was destined to make. I once again called Pax Lodge home and in many ways it was so strange to be back. While a lot had changed, some things hadn't and it took most of the month for me to get my head around how I was feeling about it all. A week after my arrival I had my first job interview which got my hopes up very high way too quickly. I was soon to learn things weren't going to be that easy. I spent some time getting re-acquainted with London. We celebrated Pax Lodge's anniversary and Earth Hour. I had more interviews.

April presented me with many more interview opportunities. Many, many more rejections as well. I met my first UK Philer (X-files fan) Victoria, whom came like a breath of well needed fresh air (V that's a compliment!). It also found two visitors from my old Pax days come and visit me. Both Saga and Ruth returned to London and it was great catching up with them. Saw some theatre in there, got a National Insurance number and came down with the flu. Bleh. Right as the month ended I enjoyed a dinner at Euston train station with another old friend, Mutley Ruth (!).

May equated to change. The month saw me achieve a decade long dream of finally seeing Gillian Anderson on stage which truly was an amazing experience. Coupled with this was meeting Aussie Philer Ros for some much counted down squeeness and some wandering around Grand Old London Town. My dear friend Kathy was in the UK and I managed to catch some time with her and Ruth to have dinner. Heather and I went out to Crystal Palace for the day. I was interviewed more. I moved out of Pax Lodge and down to Catford which was scary and exciting all at the same time. On the 29th I spent my last £7 on a rail ticket to get to an interview. The following day I started work. Fate for once was leaning in my favour.

June was epic. I survived my first week on the job as a thrown in the deep end CA for Back to Health. It was a long month work wise, working literally six days a week between Croydon and Richmond. I was tired. The commute from Catford was a killer. Then another Aussie Phile came to London, Sandi, and on my second viewing of 'A Dolls House' I finally got to meet Gillian Anderson. Such an amazing moment. Heart pounding. Palms sweaty. Programme and Pen ready. She made her way along the gathered line and despite me practiced efforts, all I did was squeak at her to which she simply smiled and moved on. Epic fail! Now I look back and laugh, but then I was gutted.

July marked my silver Jubilee, indeed I turned 25 -a quarter of a century! By way of celebration I had treated myself (indeed the first ticket I purchased) to a viewing of A Dolls House on my birthday. It was my third time seeing the show and by far the best performance I'd seen. It was much more powerful and moving than previous shows. That same night I met a bunch of German Philes whom I was likely to see again in October at X-Con in Berlin, but as things turned out, I never made it there. Rebecca from New Zealand also came to visit me and we celebrated with a pub crawl beginning around 2pm, among other things. It also saw the birth of Shanna's second baby girl, Aubrey.

August was another busy month. Rebecca returned to London once again for some more adventure. A friend from the Force back home, Christina, was also in London so in addition to wandering around this cultured city, she also came with me on Day 1 of walking The London Loop. It was a tiring day! Unfortunately not long after that came the news that Erin's visa was declined and the onset of dealing with being apart much longer than we'd planned to be. Late in the month I took a trip to Scotland with Heather to see the Edinburgh Military Tattoo and we were joined by Heather's friend Anne and my London buddy Victoria. Shortly there after I began to have wisdom teeth woes. Not fun.

September started with the removal of the first of three painful teeth. It also meant that plans to tackle the second leg of the London Loop were postponed and is still yet to be walked (I'll get there eventually!). I battled with loneliness a lot this month but on the up side, fall came to London and turned all the leaves red and yellow. The 5th marked my 18 year anniversary of being a Guide. I tagged along for a rather religious Sunday with Heather, Maia and Yvette which further made me question my faith or lack there of. Things as work continued to be rocky and thus started the thoughts of finding somewhere else to work. My flat started to take shape with more furniture added into it. The Croydon Food Festival happened at the end of the Month which allowed for two weeks of food, glorious food! Once more another baby joined the world, with Louise giving birth to baby Jack.

October arrived quickly. I turned my heating on for the first time. Yes, I was cold! Erin and I celebrated our fourth anniversary, however it was the first time we were unable to be together. Ruth returned for a few days and became my first house guest! Amazingly enough by the end of it we'd not killed each other, managed a trip to Brighton, the theatre and ate lots of yummy food. Oh and played lots of Skip-Bo! I also began to partly plan for my third NaNoWriMo attempt. Shortly after that was the fundraiser weekend of AXFF which I was able to semi-successfully Skype with the gathering in Queensland. Much to my horror Christmas arrived, decorations came into the stores, went up in the streets and carols were being played. I couldn't believe my eyes. It all arrived before Halloween, which (on the day) allowed me the opportunity to decorate the clinic and have lots of sweets on my desk. Plus I re-visited the challenge of carving a pumpkin!

November =NaNoWriMo. Enough said. Just kidding! My life in this month was pretty much dedicated to writing. I attended a number of Write-Ins where I met some new people and rediscovered my love of writing. For the first time in a long time, I'd started to feel alive again and its a feeling I found I'd missed. With a piece titled 'Drifting' I crossed the finish line three days ahead of schedule and 20 words over the target. Winter had arrived, fog started to show up in the mornings and we got a new Doctor at the clinic. This month Sally gave birth to baby Tess which was very exciting!! I made some pumpkin pies for Thanksgiving and ventured out to Wimbledon for Bruce's birthday.

December is here once more and is now almost over. With it came the arrival of horrid cold and damp weather which has covered the country in stark beauty. We had snowfall and a lot of ice. One morning on the way to work, I slipped and fell. My social life picked up a bit with visiting friends and few planned festive events. The Christmas Market set up on the North End of Croydon and the shops came to life filled with hundreds of people. I got sick with the flu and was pretty much out of action for a week. Great news came with Erin's flight being booked for January (yay!) followed by the sad news of the passing of her grandfather. I made some firm choices to find a new job and indeed applied for one or two. At least this time round I am employed so I at least have a wage coming in! Natalie, another pal from the Force, was in Europe and dropped by London. We did a Jack the Ripper walk and froze a little bit. Hopefully we'll get the chance to catch up again before she heads back. The main Christmas Days were spent up at Pax Lodge which made for a nice holiday from my own life. But as always, that in turn gives you chance to think about too much!

Looking ahead to the next few days, New Years looks to be a quiet one. I'm tossing around the idea of going up to London to watch the fireworks on the Thames which is sort of iconic really. It's likely I'll end up doing just that. Until then, I'll just keep working away. And once more I'll do just that in the New Year. 2010 is on our doorstep. I look forward to throwing the door open and seeing what's waiting on the other side.

Here's to a New Year, a New Decade and a New Adventure awaiting us all.
Cheers!

Almost Time

T'was the Morning before Christmas, not a creature was stirring, Stuart was wrapping and Rachael was typing. Indeed it's a slow morning a work! I'll be honest. There are lots of little admin things I could be doing right now and in my defence I've been doing them since I got here, but right now it's Christmas and I don't wanna work. Lol. Its not that bad, we've got a string of patients coming through this morning and it's been kind of chilled.

Finally the ice has melted! It felt so wonderful to be able to walk to work and not fear for my safety. A small amount of snow is still sitting on the ground in parks and things, but for the most part it has gone. The North End where our clinic is has people all over it. Apparently there are lines in all the shops. Last minute shoppers no doubt. I can't imagine going and shopping, it would be horrible. For the most part I've been able to avoid shops this week. I've had to go get a few small things and it's been a nightmare.

I got to thinking about things again. I still haven't been settled for a year yet, despite leaving Australia just over a year ago. This time last year we'd been back from our mega awesomely cool road trip across the south of USA and were baking and buying winter jackets. The year before that I was on a plane to the US, or about to get on one. The year before that I'd not long returned to Australia and was in Tasmania to celebrate the festive season. And indeed the one before that I was experiencing my first USA Christmas with the Gow family.

(ha ha ha a patient just came in and said to Stu 'Bah Humbug' because he didn't have the Santa Suit on, he he he)

Anyways, I started to think about the kind of flight miles I've been adding up the past few years and realised I have a very bad carbon footprint! I blame Canada. Since traveling there in 2001 I've had the travel bug and can't shake it. I mean look, I've had a nice few years, check it out:

July/Aug 2001: Canada and the USA (3.5 weeks)
July/Aug 2002: Singapore and the UK (3.5 weeks)
Jun -Dec 2005: Singapore and the UK (6 months)
Dec 05/Jan 06: The US (2 weeks)
Jan -Sept 06: The UK (8 months)
Sept-Dec 06: The USA (3 months)
April/May 07: The USA (3 weeks)
Dec 07/Jan 08: The USA (4 weeks)
Dec 08 - Mar 09: The USA (3 months)
Mar 09 to now: The UK

And that's just long haul flights. In there are multiple flights within the USA, the UK and Australia. I wonder how many miles I've flown in that time? I bet there would be a way to work it out. And the number of hours too! He he he. Hmmm maybe one day when I'm bored I'll work that out! Anyways, all that adds up to a bad carbon footprint. I'm mean to the environment. I'm sorry!! I just like planes . . .

But look, Christmas is just that little bit closer now! I'm kinda more excited about it now than I was say a week or so back. It was nice, I walked into the Whitgift Centre on Tuesday and there were some kids in there singing Christmas Carols (like from a school or something) and it just felt, well, like Christmas. Don't laugh. It's been weird. But hey, Christmas is here! Woohoo! I've not even done my traditional e-mail around to everyone. I just haven't really felt like it. I even have a handful of Christmas cards still to post simply because between being sick and catching up at work and doing things at home I've been meaning to for some time . . . well I've just not gotten around to it. I'm thinking next year I'll start in September, just to make sure everything is done and sorted! Actually next year I'd like to make my own cards, or have a photo I've taken printed out as cards. That would be kinda nice.

Counting the Days

I'm feeling nostalgic. I always do around this time of the year, I start to think about getting together with people whom I've barely had the chance to see during the year. I start to think about family and those who can't be with us any more. I also start to think about what I've crammed into the last 12 months of my life and if I think it's been worth it or not. To be honest, that's not exactly what I'm doing right now because, well, that blog tends to come closer to New Years Eve when I almost have lived 12 months. Its been a rough few months so I am sure there will be some great debate as to my sense of value of the past year, but that's not for now, that's for a few days from now.

I guess what's got me nostalgic is being on my own. Yes, I am alone. I can say it. I'm sitting in an empty flat with no human contact, nor animal, I can't even hear my neighbours. But I'm not lonely. Not really. I guess it's provided me time to reflect back over different memories of different times. Its been a strange week. It started off brilliant and wonderful with the news that Erin is to arrive in the UK on the 14th of January, just on three and a half weeks from now. Rest assured there is a countdown and there will be one very excited young Australian prowling the halls of Gatwick far earlier than she needs to be because she'll be so excited there will be nothing left to do but just get to the airport. I pray for those I run into that morning. Then there was the excitement of snow. Yes, by most American and Canadian accounts not a whole lot. But lots for the UK and indeed very much for a Melbournian. Cold and icy was the theme for a few days.

After that came the sudden news of the death of Erin's grandfather George. A death by any means is always a sad event. Naturally the distance has been hard these past few days because by nature I want to be supportive. Most people are when loved ones are hurting. But I've also found myself in a somewhat strange situation. In the past, deaths have always been of family and friends. There's always been that clear cut level of grief to display or feel. This time though, I've found I'm not sure what the correct level of care, concern and sadness should be. Yes, I feel sad that George is no longer living, a loss of life is always sad. But I'm faced with the dilemma of just how much I'm allowed to be sad. Never before have I had an In-Law die, I've never had In-Laws before! Under the circumstances its not quite like blood family, but much more than friends. Its hard. I'm not sure what is appropriate or not. And I don't want to make this about me, because it's not. Its very much about Erin and her family dealing with a loss. But in conjunction with that is a sense of uncertainty as to how I should feel.

Of course feeling like that and being sad about a death this time of the year has bought up memories of my own loss just two years ago of my Nonna. I think a large part of that is because I never really grieved properly, if anything I felt guilty for perhaps not being the granddaughter that I could have been. A natural way to feel no doubt, questioning if I'd done enough, called enough, even visited enough. Deep down I guess I told myself I didn't, and thus didn't deserve the right to grieve. Harsh, yes, but then those of you who know me know that the manner of thinking which I had was not uncommon. Which brings us to now. Yes, I feel guilty and yes I miss my Nonna. I feel sad about George and wish that somehow I could be there to help. Ultimately I know I can't and that's something I'll have to deal with.

But in a round about way this got me thinking about memories in general. Yes, some Christmas ones. Like the one sitting in the back of my fathers car one Christmas, sitting next to my Nonna and her asking if I had started getting periods yet, and then going on further to tell me that when I do it's a good time to start looking for a husband to have children with. Looking back I do smile in amusement at that moment, at how embarrassed I felt at the time because it was the first Christmas since hitting puberty and the idea of now being a 'young woman' was something I was still kind of awkward about without even thinking about getting married and having kids.

Like most families there are a couple of Christmas ones I'd rather forget. For that matter I'm pretty sure there are a couple of Easter and Birthday ones too. But that's a common place occurrence really. I then started to think about memories that made me smile. Of simple joy. Childhood games. The few holidays we had as a family. Flashes from school and guides. Then I started to think about the people who had made an impact on my life. Some are still around, some are not. Some are close by and others are thousands of miles away. But some how they're all still quite close. So yes, I get lonely at times, but today I've felt I've had a lot of company.

As Christmas draws near and I face the first one ever where I've not been with family or future in-laws (yes my darling Gow's that first one counts), I come to realise that I wasn't looking forward to it. I'd mentally blocked Christmas from my own mind and its only the last day or so that I've realised in a week, it'll all be over. Its strange. In theory I should have been feeling this way four years ago when I'd planned on being in the UK at the end of my time at Pax simply to be someplace new for Christmas. At that time, fate stepped in and it didn't happen. Thus here I am thinking and feeling this way now. Don't get me wrong, I won't be alone for Christmas. In fact by all accounts it sounds like there will be lots of company. There will be a face or two which feels like family, and many more who are not, but may become new friends.

I don't know, I guess I'm feeling old and boring as well. Its been too long being alone, I crave that domestic life once again. I have someone that I love so dearly whom I cannot be with just yet. Family is a long way away. And though Pax is in some ways home, its just won't be the same without the people who made it feel that way. Therefore I started to count the days to the time when familiarity returns. To the time when a small level of stability will return. To the day when I'll feel a much more complete again. In meeting with an old and dear friend the other night, I came to realise what I miss most is having a foundation and an existence. A history.

Here, up until nine months ago, Rachael Marchese didn't exist in this life. Not in Croydon, not in the UK, not in any capacity other than a volunteer. For 21 years I developed an identity and an existence. Then I decided to take a leap of faith and find something new. Four and a half years later here I am, having taken the biggest leap ever. Don't get me wrong, I have no doubt in my mind that leaving Australia was the best choice I made. Indeed not an easy one, but a good one. And so I have the ability to think back over memories of the life I once had. Here, as yet, I cannot. Not really. Not yet. One day yes, but not right now. So in some ways I begin to count the days until I can do that.

Knowing that one day I'll be able to say 'Remember that summer we . . .' or 'How funny was it when . . .' in a context that's relevant to my current environment. And how exciting does that seem?! I mean really, it's exciting to think that I can also pick and choose and create what the endings to those sentences will be.

Gah, I think it's dinner time. Too much thought and too little food. I need sustenance!

Making Choices

Yes, now that's an original title, no? I am sure somewhere along the line going back over the years there will be a blog post somewhere titled the same thing. Are we seeing a pattern here? Though I suppose techincally we make choices every day of our life. From what to have to breakfast right down to what PJs to wear at night. Assuming you wear PJs that is. I was just trying to be broad in my thinking.

There have been a lot of choices in life to make. All of which no doubt have helped me to reach this point in time, yet again faced with choices. Right at this moment I am debating to have corn chips or chocolate. I'm feeling a little ill at the moment, so I am thinking corn chips might be the better answer. Well I suppose they're tortilla chips. I'm not sure why, but the word tortilla reminds me of Maggie. I wonder what is happening in Southbend at this very point in time?

I feel like I should be writing Christmas cards. Would you believe I picked up the box like two weeks ago now and still not a single card has been written. How slack of me. With Royal Mail still playing catch up with all the post from the strikes, I'm pretty sure I should do something about them this weekend. Among other things. That's assuming I can afford the postage! The one draw back about having friends and family right across the world, postage can be a killer! Especially at Christmas. Memo to self, next year put a few pounds a month away for a Christmas Postage fund. Hmmm, I should get me a tin for that. Wait, I think I have one in the last box I've still to unpack. Its offical, that box has been sealed for 12 months. Its like a little mini time capsule! Ha! I wonder what I packed in there . . . actually I could probably guess, more stuffed animals no doubt!

In case you were wondering, I had egg fried rice this evening. With soya sauce. It was yummy. And warm, which is always a bonus on a cold night. Which it is. I'm thinking I might turn the heat up a little, I feel a little shivery. But then again, I don't feel well in general, I have a migrane on top of everything else. Looking at a screen really isn't going to help that, but I figure soon enough it'll be painful enough to make me just turn off the laptop and go to bed. Its beyond pain killer point, but not quite at black out point. I've not had one for some time, so I suppose I shouldn't complain.

Croydon is very pretty at the moment, all the lights are up and there is a cool looking market type of thing set up for Christmas on the North End. Each stall is like a hut, some have beads up, some have fake snow, some have pine spriggs. Its all rather atmospheric. That and I've started to notice the salt on the ground. Now that I've been to Minnesota in winter, the concept of snow doesn't excite me as much as it once did, only because I've seen it in large amounts now and anything less will be much less impressive. However, in saying that, I'm sure when the timem comes I'll want to go out and play in it. I can't help the inner child, it's quite pushy at times.

To Hell With That

Yes, that's what I want to say, though I have to admit it might not be entirely wise to declare why right here where the world can see. But some of you might just figure it out, knowing what was going on this week. Last week. Almost all weeks for some time now. The New Year is coming, so who knows what new adventures might await me.

Its really cold tonight. I lost the feeling in my fingers walking home. Memo to self, start using your gloves! Its that horrid cold, damp feeling. A lot of the cars have been getting a heavy frost on them of late too. I'm waiting for the ice which will send me ass up walking to work. While I know it'll hurt and won't be funny at the time, I'm sure I'll reach a point where I'll thnk it would have been amusing to see me fall. I do that. Some of you know that. I have a twisted sense of humour.

Strange things happen in the Festive Season. People start to get social. I am getting social. Shock horror! And meeting people not previously met before. I blame NaNo, that started it. Hmmm that was random. I don't even know where I was going with that one. I'm supposed to be putting up Christmas stuff at the moment. Got to be honest, I don't feel motivated to do so. I don't feel like being all Merry like. I think it's slowly been drained from me since the decos started appearing in October. I knew this was going to happen.

What to look forward to this weekend? Deep cleaning!! Actually, we're having a somewhat low key Christmas Shindig on Saturday after work. That'll be fun, though the concept of drinking games has always scared me somewhat. People say stupid things when they've had a bit too much to drink. And there's always a photo which shows up too. But Sunday, yes Sunday I have to clean and re-arrange the flat. Made a horrid discovery on Wednesday morning. The wall was wet and I found the startings of mould behind my bed. Ekkk! I know it's only arrived since two weeks back, that was when I last moved it. Totally want to avoid that again.

Mmmm something smells good, I think dinner is nearly ready. Bout time really, I'm famished. Might curl up on my couch with a blanket, dinner and some quality Nanny time. Yes, mindless TV shows, they rock my world.