Sleepy

Ever wondered what it was like to be one of the seven dwarfs? Well, I think I am Sleepy right now! Ha! Thats funny. Sometimes I feel like Doc, and often Dopey too. I wonder if at some stage we'll all be one of the dwarfs at one point or another?

Tonight is another KOB show. I feel tired. To be honest I really don't want to go. What I want most right now is to be in lockdown in my house and not leave for days on end. However, between work, Guides, KOB and the gym, that's not likely to happen! Somewhere in there I try to have some form of a social life. Which kind of gets left to the side and forgotten most of the time. In case you haven't noticed.

I Want To Break Free

Queen are an awesome band, they are. Hands down. I love them. And the music is just so liberating. It can nail a feeling right on the head, sum up a moment, an emotion and an experience all in the space of a line or three minutes. Longer if you considered BR . . .

. . . Its been an up and down few days. I still want to quit my job. I do. I'm restless and I want an out. However, I also have that sensible part of me which knows that in the grand plan of life I'm looking at another six months here and then I am off. Outta here. Ciao. Farewell. So I know that to leave the security of a job for that short amount of time is silly. But I also have my principals which remind me that perhaps once I would have faught for my job, however now I do not. I've stopped telling people how brilliant it is to work for Vic Pol. I hadn't realised that till I started thinking about this whole thing on the way to work this morning. I've lost the desire and passion to work for an organisation which I once believed was on a par with my own.

Rebecca's visit came and went. It was a whirl of four days I have to admit. I've stopped to rest a little for the moment and realised how tired I was and how much I wish we could have done more. However, as insane as Saturday night was, it was good fun and I found a new place to drink and just be. No loud music, not a cool place and pretty relaxed. My kinda place.

Werribee Zoo on Sunday was great fun I have to admit. Its nice to know that in some ways the place hasn't changed since I was there about 10 years ago. Nice for the animals anyways. And I go to be very close to a girrafe which I thought was pretty awesome. Monday I worked (grrr) but Monday night we ate at the Pancake Parlour which was great, as we were sitting there the 369 song came on which means nothing to most people other than a slecet few who knew Doreen Henry at Pax. Totally brilliant moment it was!

Tuesday was just a day in the city, a little shopping, some eating and a good amount of walking. Found an awesome shop in Swanson Street which I didn't even know existed but will certainly be going back to. And today I am back at work again with dinner with Italian rellies this evening and a KOB show tomorrow night. This weekend I want to rest. To read, to write and to catch up on a bunch of things I've let slip. *sighs* It just seems to be one vicious cycle.

The Week From Hell

And it really has been. Right from the word go, I suppose my biggest issue has been with work, to the point where I want to quit. Seriously, I have spent the last day and a half thinking about chucking it all in and going to do temp work. The jury is still out on that one. I want to calm down before I go making any rash decisions.

I just thought that after five years working for Vic Pol I'd have a little credit on my side. But alas no, I was wrong and am bewildered as to why that surprises me. I mean come on, I have been watching other people. I know what's happened to them. I guess my time was coming sooner or later.

For what it's worth, I don't have any more answers that I did yesterday. Some people have made some complaints about me and I've not a clue why. I mean, what was said was that the reminder e-mails I send out bug people and get their panties in a knot. The other was a complaint that someone has given me work that I have not done. erm, excuse me? I make sure I do everything, at least within a day if its not pressing and I have a lot on. I went through my desk today and could find nothing that needed doing. Went back through e-mails to find the same result. So what the hell is it that I haven't done?

Then to top it all off, I'm pretty much told I cannot take leave because there is no one to replace me. I had a sick day last week and took this Monday off. It was all pre-sorted. A person had told me that they would fill in for me. I turn up for work on Tuesday to find that wasn't the case. Then Thursday I get pulled into the bosses office and told all I was. So basically, because the department is under staffed, I can't take leave because there is no one to fill in for me. Should I wish to take leave, then perhaps I ought to find another department to work for which can accommodate my time off. I can't believe it! We're talking about two days, and as far as I was concerned, I had made sure that my absense would not go unmanned. It's not my fault! I am being penalised because of the department being under staffed! What's that about?

I have always prided myself in my work. I make sure things are done in the appropriate time. I am polite and always make sure if someone wants something, I go above and beyond what is required from me with nothing more than a paycheck every fortnight. Not even the odd thank you. I almost feel that what they are after is someone in a short skirt who works like a hog, keeps quiet and follows orders. So in that manner of thinking, why should I stay and put up with that? I surely can get treated the same way elsewhere and be getting paid more.

It really hurts, I have to be honest. It hurts that after all the energy and sweat (quite literally) that I put into my job that I can have someone turn around and say the things about me/to me that they did. I thought I was worth a little more than that.

I do have Rebecca coming this weekend, over from New Zealand and I was supposed to have Monday and Tuesday off. That of course is now not happened. I hate it. And what can I do about it? Nothing, because I am just an admin, unsworn person who really has no standing nor voice about anything. In addition to that, we've now been asked to do some of Finances work. What gives? I all ready look after a floor of 75 people over two work groups, like my life isn't complicated enough?

Anyways, I came home a few moments ago to find a card in the mail box from Erin S. The sheer brilliance of my Pax Friends makes life just so much more tollerable. At the end of the crap week, here I find a card with squirrels and a nice friendly note in it. I almost burst into tears.

Dreamtime

Last night I was haunted by some pretty vivid and graphic dreams. The first was about people being shot. And not just looking from afar, but I was seeing them be shot like close up, with details. I have no idea why, it's not like I was watching something about guns before bed. In fact I was playing cards and eating chocolate chip cookies!

The next dream I remember wasn't horrid or graphic. But vivid. I was walking with Ruth in Hampstead Heath, only it wasn't how I remember it and there were train lines through it. All over grown with grennery, but still there. A body of water and a fallen log as well. I know we were talking but I have no idea what about. I just have a very intense feeling about it.

The last dream and the one I had right before waking up is the most detailed and longest and oddest. It started with me and my brother in a house, my mum and Wayne (my step-father) were arguing over something and it got louder and louder and suddenly my brother and I were in the middle of them, squishing down into a cupboard or a wall trying to escape it and I was trying to protect him or something. Next thing I know, I look at the windows at the front of the house just in time to see some random guy running around out there as if he was trying to break in. He came back with a hammer and started breaking the windows, really trying to get in and yelling and swearing a lot. He was in a black cap with flames along the side of it, a black hoodie with a design of swirls on it, dark pants and boots. He had facial hair. Suddenly the arguments in the house stopped, so I went to the phone to call the police. The random guy got into his van (a grey one that looked like a ute and a van combined) and began doing doughnuts in the street and really scaring me. So I am on the phone to the police telling them everything and watching him at the same time. Slowly but surely he begins to lose control of the car because of how fast he is going, started colliding with fences and plants and stuff until the last doughnut he does, he hits a parked taxi, flips and lands in the yard next door. It was like watching it all in slow motion, it was utterly bizzare. It was shortly after that I woke up.

So that's an intense night of dreaming, don't you think?

Fighting Fish

Very random post in all honesty. Erin called Maggie yesterday morning and I was fiddling around online and what not. I don't make a habit of listening in to conversations but a phrase came up that sparked my ears. Fighting Fish. So I began to wonder what was the point in fighting fish? I mean seriously, what do they achieve? But then I thought about other fighting animals. Like people hold dog fights and cock fights and even those I can't make any sense out of. They're just plain cruel.

Can someone explain to me the scientific nature of Fighting Fish? Please?

Saturday

I suppose the title says it all really. Because it is. And here I am.

Bootcamp was a killer this morning, to the point where I was fighting hard to hold back tears. It really hurt and was really hard and was really pushing those limits and boundaries that I have. I suppose that's the point of it really, aside from kick starting your fitness. Still, I can't help but ask myself why I'm doing this. It's kinda crazy and I'm still struggling with the Wednesday Morning session. Today however I don't really feel like I enjoyed the session any more than I do on a Wednesday, which isn't a good thing.

Erin is homesick. Which is nothing new really because she's been like that for some time. I guess it seems worse at the moment because she's even started losing weight which is scary because she's not really got a whole lot to lose. I worry, I always do, but aside from worry I feel helpless and unsure what to do or say. I told her to go home, but that won't achieve much either. Coz then she'll just miss me and would be just as miserable there. Only difference is she'll be on the other side of the ocean.

You should have seen our washing pile this morning, three loads done and still I think there are another three to do. How on earth do two people get that much dirty laundry?!! I mean seriously?

Rebecca is coming next weekend which is nice, I'm looking forward to seeing her again and is likely to be the last time I will in the near future. Unless somehow we manage a trip over to New Zealand before we leave Oz. But I doubt it. We're going to Melbourne Zoo next Sunday (should weather permit) and it'll be interesting to see how much there has changed. I can't remember the last time I was there.

Oh and my brother was waiting for a phone call about a second interview with the Army, however, it's come to light that the Navy have called him and seem interested. What's that about?!

Traped in Restlessness

How is that for a title! It's the best I can describe it. I can't seem to settle at the moment. It's like life has stopped but I want to keep moving, there is a momentum to keep pushing me, but no where to push me to. I'm a jumble of emotions at the moment. Do not worry, I'm not tormented by my mind or anything. I'm feeling a little down. It's not helping knowing that two people I know are in London at the moment and SMS keep coming through passing on heys and hellos. They mean well and I love it, but at the same time it makes me feel sad.

I have been rather restless of late. I can't figure out why. I just am. I can't focus on work. I can't sit still but on the same token my body hurts when it moves. Bootcamp, classes and PT are taking it's toll on my body. Its not used to this! I shouldn't complain really, in four weeks I've like just over four kilos but have lost a grand total of 30cm (12 inches) from various parts of my body. Including my boobs, which have certainly shrunk a little! Not that I supposed people needed to know that. Thus in the grand plan I'm doing well and losing centimetres in all the right places. It's just making me tired that's all. Add to that I've agreed to go on a bike ride on Saturday. Oh my god!

We've been having problems with the electricity at home of late and finally had to have an electrician come out and look at the place. As far as he is concerned there is nothing wrong from our end. It's an AGL issue. Which bugs me because those people are just pains in the butt to have to deal with. They barely help and when they do it's like a huge effort. Frankly, I don't really want to have to deal with them. However, I also would like my electricity to stay on and not vanish for periods of time when I turn on a light switch. Grrr.

I have a lot of questions swimming around in my brain right now. Foremost is the simple fact: Have I made the right choices? Yes, no doubt that's something we all think about from time to time, that's what makes us human. But I dunno, like I said I've been restless and feel a little traped and stuck and yeah. I'm happy, do not get me wrong, I love life. But I feel the longer I stay here the more drowned I feel by the life I used to have here. Slowly but surely I can feel it creeping back up to me, inching higher and higher.

I think I will listen to We Will Rock You. It always makes me happy and feel like singing.

It all happens at 5pm

The world will spin once more! Okay, maybe not at drastic as that, not really life changing either. However, I can certainly think of a whole bunch of computers which will all try to go to the same site and the server will crash. Yup, this afternoon at 5pm Melbourne time the trailer for XF2: I Want To Believe goes up online. There are people lined up to watch it. I'm pumped. But I know it'll be slow going because of the sheer volume of people wanting to view it.

Its an odd Monday today. The morning has gone slowly, but quickly if that makes sense. I had a whole bunch of weird dreams last night and woke up kinda out to it. And even now I sort of feel like I am half asleep or half in a dream world you know? Only half here. It's very odd. I can't even put the right words to it.

Recently we've started watching the Inspector Lynley Mysteries since the first episode and I am rather enjoying them. I'm loving seeing a slightly different spin on a male/female partnership in a law enforcement capacity. Certainly different to Mulder and Scully. What I like about Lynley and Habis that I've seen later episodes so its curious to go back and see their beginings to know where they are going to end up. You know? Characters can be so complex sometimes. Yet sometimes they can be starkingly simple. I hope one day someone will talk about my characters the way I talk about others.

Check it out!

Yep! A new laptop!! How awesomeness is that? It means that now we're back to having weekend access to the internet which is brilliant for lots of reasons. Mainly because we can get access to e-mail and what not now. And well, now I can write blog entries on the weekend! Woot!

It's a little chill this morning. You can so tell winter is coming. But hey, that's Melbourne right?? Today is Mothers Day. We will make scones and have thai tuna thingie for dinner. Should be interesting.

Guides is an interesting thing at the moment. A few kinks that need to be sorted out and well I have to admit maybe my heart isn't in it anymore. Though in saying that I think I will see it out until the end of the year, until I leave.

Bootcamp is going well. I'm much liking the Saturday session over the Wednesday one. Maybe it's because I get to have a little more sleep??

Mmmmm Breakfast

A nice and early one for a change! Okay, early is relative since I actually got into work at 7:30am (like I usually do) and it's now almost 8am. I've been doing things! Among which included breakfast, a muffin with egg and bacon. Oh my god it was perfect! It's pay day and I treated myself and am so very glad I did.

Weight last night didn't happen. Officially that is. I actually weighed myself on the scales in the change room and according to those scales I lost 3kg in a week. To allow for variation in scales, it could be as little as 2kg or as much as 4kg. I guess I'll never really know! But its a loss none the less and even with variation, a significant one. So I am happy.

Lots to do today, pay bills, do rosters, order stationary. It's Thursday of pay week, it's always a busy one. Collect mail, do corro, some property, FBT filing, answer phones -the list could go on.

Thus far no exciting news from the US Immigration Department. But we did get post from the US. A care package from Nancy, yay!! She's brilliant, always has lots of exciting things for us to rummage through in the box. It's like Christmas more than once a year!

NaNo thoughts

While out driving today (alas I escaped from the office!! Mel needed a driver as she's not too kean on driving unmarked cars) I began to randomly think about the fast approaching November. Perhaps not as fast approaching as say, June or July, but certainly creeping a lot closer.

The end of the year is going to be an insane one, that's for sure. I'll be packing up life here ready to move on. Good grief! Anyways, I was thinking about taking part in NaNo again. Insane? Likely, yes. But it will also make a good distraction from moving. I may need something to really focus on that's not turbulant. Though in saying that is this years idea for NaNo is like last years, I'll be flying by the seat of my pants.

Which is why I started thinking about it today. I think. That's my thoughts anyways. I want to get away from crime (as I think I've done that to death) and I want to sidetrack from life experiences (or basing there on). Take away those things and I am at a complete loss. I think maybe I should start with a character and go from there. I think what I want is a glimpse into a life. That in itself is a similar method to last year (only slightly). What I want to do is basically jump into a scene and not know anything about it. I want to explore what lay beyond the scene more so that what has made it happen. Only I'm not very sure how to do that. I'm probably setting myself for a challenge and perspective that's going to be an utter struggle to get the word count. And in saying that there is plently of time between now and then to change my mind. Which is very likely.

I guess I just wanted to share that I had been thinking about it.

An update for the gym: No slim this evening which means I will not get officially weighed. I know there is a pair of scaled in the change room, it might have to be a self weigh just to see where I am at. I know I won't know exaclty what I weighed last week, but I had a goal this week and I want to see if I got it. According to a different set of scales mind. Phew, it's all a bit confusing really!

Blah blah blah

So it's Wednesday. Survived session three of bootcamp this morning. Thankfully there was no running in the cold at 6:15am! However, my knees have kind of suffered today. They ache something shocking. Saturday's session was great and I'm now left wondering why it is I can manage the Saturday session but struggle with the Wednesday one. Do we think perhaps its because I'm a bit more awake on the weekend?

Tonight I will weigh in again. I'm dreading it. I feel slimmer but that could just be my muscles toning up and less flabby. Which is all good, but I'd rather be losing the weight. Ah the battles we go through in order to feel healthy!

International No Diet Day

I just love how there is an 'International Day' for so many random things. There were a bunch of people at Flinders Street Station this morning handing out postcards and chuppa chups and telling everyone it was International No Diet Day. Amazing, I had no idea it even existed, but sure enough, its something prompted by the Butterfly Foundation or whatever their proper name is.

There seems to be a lot of concern amongst the rank of Philers out there. The premier date for XF2 is fast approaching and there is literally zero PR out there about it. The trailer was supposed to have made an appearance by now, but thus far nothing. Zilch. I have to admit, it worries me too. But not as much as others. I still think there is ample time to have a big promo thing happen. Not too sure what, but I put nothing past CC and co to go all out and make an impact. They've done it before and chances are they'll do it again.

Go on Shithead, push the boundaries

...I'm feeling somewhat angry today. No, not angry as such, but like I could jump down someones throat just like that. A snap of the fingers. And I would, it's almost like I'm sending out vibes daring someone to do it. Bizarre I tell you, utterly bizarre. I wonder what has bought this on?

Change of weather perhaps? My chiro reckons I should keep in mind SAD which I know all about since I suffered from it while living in London (prime place to experience he declared) but I hadn't thought about it happening here. I mean we get a heap more sunlight than London, among other things. Yet I can't help but feeling that perhaps he's right. He's been right about other things too which bugs me at times. I wanna be the one who is right! Alas I am learning to let go of that want I can assure you. Going to the gym does that to a person.

Bootcamp on Saturday was terrible and I was tired yet felt rather elated after it was over. Not just because it was over either! I think the warm down really helped and I certainly wasn't as wiped as I feared I may be. Which by far is a brilliant thing because we then had a few puppet shows down in Lara to do. And they went well despite my fears of totally screwing up the new shows. I do believe the best line of the day goes to Erin, who declared (via Brenda) "so I can be the breast Brenda Dubrowski I can be!". She certainly got abreast of that! He he he.

Work is shitting me. Lots of little fiddly things, some things people should do for themselves. I tell you sometimes I half expect someone to come out of the toilet on hands and feet and ask me to wipe their butt. It totally wouldn't surprise me if they did. It brings up images of my brother as a little six year old doing the very same thing. And these are grown men, so what does that tell you?

I dunno. I feel like Walket. I'm just pissed. Buncha Dumbasses out there who just like to get on my goat. Man I am prickly today. Check that!

Yawning

I am, a lot. Which isn't a good thing because doesn't yawning mean you have a lack of oxygen going to the brain? Not that I'm at all surprised, there is no ventilation in this building and I feel like I am constantly in a heater. No joke, even in summer the heating is on. I like going outside into the Autumn cold just to have a break from the heat. Is it any wonder so many people are sick? The change of temperature, I mean come on!

So I think I want to complain again. Not about anything in particular, I just feel like I am in one of those moods where if someone gave me a reason, albit even a small one, I'd complain about it until the cows come home. Or until I am blue in the face. Pick your cliche should you wish. Its a niggly mood. Probably because I know it's Friday afternoon and the weekend is just a heartbeat away. Almost.

The brain is starting to think a little more about the future. The near future, as the end of the year is fast approaching and I need to decide on a few things. First and most important will be money. I need to decide how much I am going to put aside to save. I need to work out the cost of my road trip plans in December and at the top of that list, I need to figure out some source of an income should I not have a great stash of funds to support me until I settle somewhere. My general estimates have me needing about $3000 to survive from December through until February. Okay, some of you have just dropped dead with that amount. Factor in there that I am going to be traveling as much as posible while in the states, even will try and get up to Canada to celebrate Australia Day with Erim M. Now, I also need to keep in mind that I will need accommodation in London for a while. And also need to keep the exchange rate in mind. However, my hopes are that if I do head back to London (assuming I don't get a greencard) I'm hoping to find work at Pax again for the sheer convenience of it. Well the experience too, but its an ideal set up for a while too. I will admit that.

I also need to consider that I will be booking a ticket in late October to make this journey happen. I need money to ship my belongings to where I settle. Yes, I will be selling my car, but I have a small loan to pay off too and over the years my car has lost value. I mean give the girl a break, she is 10 years old now! Still in really good condition, but not worth a hell of a lot in the grand scheme of things. Maybe $5000 at best hopes. I'm thinking it will be more like $3000 knowing my luck!

Money seems to be weighing on my mind right now. Its not that much of a worry. In a good month I can put $1000 away. Even if I only get five months in there, that's $5000 without the money from my car. Its all possible. However, you and I know that $1000 will not be put away a month!! Alas, its just wishful thinking.

Perhaps I should go and buy a lotto ticket.

May Day One

Can you believe it? It's May all ready! And what a month it will be. Lots will happen. Plenty of KOB shows, an important KOB appearance and the Guides Vic AGM, Bootcamp, International visitors and it's the first of three months waiting period to see if I get my greencard for the US. If the past months are anything to go by, I'm sure time will fly.

Yesterday was the first morning of Bootcamp. I felt like I wanted to die. The last thing I want to be doing at 6:15am on a freezing morning is running outside in the dark sky. And yet that's what I did. In all honesty it certainly wasn't as bad as I feared it may be. But certainly it was as hard work. It'll only get worse too. I know.

It was also weigh in day and what a horrid thing that was. I didn't gain, which is good. But I only lost 200 grams which is totally worse than my first effort! Oh gosh! In saying that though, and as it was explained to me, it's that time of the month so I'm retaining fluid. And I had it explained to me just how much fluid can weigh. So I don't feel too bad. But the pressure is on to lose lots next week. I feel like I won't even make it!