The Pain of Wisdom

I wonder why they are called Wisdom Teeth? I mean, does having them actually make you feel smarter? Or wiser? If you ask me, they're more pain than they are actually worth. I suppose I can't complain too much. I still have all four wisdom teeth and it's only now in my 25th year they've decided to give me grief. And grief they've given! Holy Mother of God its painful. I'd imagine there are a lot of people out there who can relate to the level of pain they give. I remember once my mum showing me one of her wisdom teeth and the size of it scared me into wondering if my teeth are the same. Give me strength.

Today the weather has been glorious! Stunning sunhine with a few white puffy clouds dotted against a tranquil blue sky. It really was quite lovely to look at. Walking home from work late this afternoon was a pleasant experience. The sun was warm and indeed so was the air which has made a nice change since yesterday I actually felt cold at one point.

Tomorrow I will embark upon the NHS dental system here in Croydon and see what can be achieved. I won't hold my breath. I just pray for some descent painkillers if nothing else!

This week marks six months back in the UK. It also means that I've been in a job for three months now. I have to admit it doesn't feel like three months. I mean it was all very daunting to begin with. Now I feel there isn't too much challenge in it. Funny what time will do to you. Its also interesting to note that should I now be interested in trying to get a job with The Met, I can now do so as I've been here long enough to be able to run a background check on me. Or something along those lines anyways.

This afternoon I had a Nanna Nap. It was a nice experience I can tell you due to lack of sleep last night. Actually the past few nights really. I woke feeling quite refreshed and positive. Then I decided to cook a yummy dinner and watch What Lies Beneath which even now I can all ready tell was a bad move. Whose stupid idea was it to watch that? Especially going into the evening and especially since I live on my own?! Like I need noises and bumps to keep me awake as well! Can you image it? Me, under the covers scared to close my eyes thinking the ghosts are going to get me. Ha ha ha, actually, its rather hilarious to picture.

Oh my gosh! This time last week I was getting ready to watch the Edinburgh Military Tattoo!! Oh man! Where the frick did that week go?! It was an awesome experience I have to tell you, SO much better than the television. It was incredible and even now I can still hear the bagpipes playing, the cool evening air, the clear night sky and the excitement of the crowd. I can see the flashing cameras, the glowing lights and the colours bouncing around the arena. *sighs* I wanna go back.

A Box of Crayons

Its a rather odd hour of the night to be blogging, or at least in my world it is! But in coming home on the train and in fact for most of the day, if not the past two days, a lot has been ticking over in my mind and perhaps could explain the lack of ability to stay sleeping at night.

The week has been a roller coaster in some ways. I came back from Edinburgh on Tuesday evening, all chilled and relaxed and well, glowing with the benefits of a holiday as most people do. Wednesday arrived and I was thrown back into reality with a thud. Not that any one thing triggered that, it just so happened it was Wednesday. In the grand scheme of things it was due to happen sooner or later. I guess I didn't expect it to happen in the way it did.

As most of you know, I enjoy writing. Like taking photos, but in a vastly different way. For many years now I've kept hand written journals. I can always tell when things just aren't quite right because I start to write them again. Its almost like writing things down on a page is a form of therapy. Whats important to note that up until the past weekend, I'd not put pen to paper since November last year. That's a hell of a gap in such a turbulent time in my life. Yes, people tell me that the change has been real and I guess the scope of it didn't sink in until a few months ago. In passing at least. However, I think another part of me blocked out feeling the effects of such a large change and overhaul of ones life.

Last Monday I sat in the pews, well chairs really, of The Church of the Holy Rude in Stirling, Scotland. If anyone knows their history and can link that with Tutbury Castle, great. If not, I suppose its not real significant to the story other than the fact that sitting in that chair made me think about my first trip to England some seven years ago. Which in turn got me thinking about other things which eventually found me thinking about substance in life. Long story short, I guess I had some sort of purpose crisis. Since then it's like the flood gates have been left open and I'm suddenly feeling things again. Its like having a box of 24 crayons and then suddenly realising you have a box of 200.

Being a writer, emotions play a large part in the ability to write, to paint a picture or scene using words. I hadn't quite realised how switched off I'd been in regards to what I feeling. I mean yes, I have still been feeling, but I'd not quite given those feelings the notice and attention they truly deserved. Since reality thudded towards me on Wednesday, I haven't quite realised how intensely I was feeling things. I was suddenly awakened, realising that I am feeling a large number of emotions right now and quite strongly.

Anger and frustration seem to be at the top of the list. Also mixed in there is being lonely, un-inspired, stuck, happy, confused, empowered. All in all I've been left feeling somewhat overwhelmed by everything. Today I was faced with the urge to pick up a pen and paper, and write. That's what I did. I'd originally intended to sit in a park and read. I ended up sitting in Hampstead Heath (on and off in the rain I might add) scrawling away on a piece of paper. I suddenly realised I had all these colours inside of me just bursting out wanting to paint a scene. Consequently, I became depressed. Trapped. And a little confused again. Despite how it sounds, it's actually a positive experience. I was mentally blocking that flow of what to feel, what to write, what to paint. And suddenly that blockage has gone. All because I sat in a church and thought about a holiday some years ago.

Once again how I perceive people and the impact they have on my life has changed. Some people I am seeing in a new light, some still the same. Some I am finding I like less, others more. Its rather liberating really. I can almost feel that aside from catching up on cleaning and washing, I want to spend a large portion of what weekend I have writing. About, who knows. As for length or substance, it could be anything. But I want to write, which is something I have not really done or desired in quite some time.

There is so much to catch up on, both creatively and physically. My blog has holes in the physical sense, I've not really been telling the story of what I've seen and where I've been and who I have been with. I really do believe I've been blocking it off.

However, I do know that there is unrest about. Almost like its a make or break situation. I know I should sleep on it, but I'm not really sure I could sleep at the moment. The brain is going 100 miles an hour. Which isn't something new either, I go through these phases, I'm just not really sure what to do about it.