Feeling Not So Good

Yeah I feel a little off today. I'd much rather be back in bed and sleeping the day away. My tummy isn't happy, my zipper broke (again!), my ankles hurt, my head hurts and well I really just don't want to face the day. I'm rather sleepy.

Friday we went to the Dawn Service. There were a lot a lot of people there. Which is always a nice thing, especially seeing the kids knowing that the younger generations really do get in on the service and the respect it holds for our diggers. It brings a tear to my eye. Well the whole thing does really, I always get a little emotional there. It seems sad to think that'll be my last Dawn Service in Melbourne. I should imagine next year I'll be in London again. Not that that thought is a bad one mind.

Going to Guides has become pretty much a solo affair as Erin doesn't get home from work in tmie. Needless to say the open road, music and quiet tend to make my mind tick over. About London. About here. About my relationships with people. Wondering where life will take me. How life used to be. What I want to achieve. I dunno, there just has to me more to it all than this. More than Italian festivals. Going to work and the gym. Going to Guides. Surely there is more to life than this mundane routine that I find myself settling back into.

I'm complaining a lot today. It's not even Monday so really I've nothing to complain about. May is almost upon us. The time when I will begin the three month wait to see if I will hear about my greencard. Tomorrow boot camp starts. I am so gonna die of pain, I know it.

Its about time

See now that I know it's going to post, and after writing the one post like three times. It takes all the excitement and energy out of things. I can't even put into words how much that annoys me. So now I'm just going to dot point things. Well, as best as I can.

-I weighed in last night and beat 600 grams. Wohoo! Yours truly has lost 1.5kg! Yay!!

-Bootcamp starts next Wednesday. I have a snazzy t-shirt.

-This morning I rode in a lift with a killer. I think.

-After trying patiently (as if) for 40 minutes, I have kick ass seats for Wicked in June.

-Kids on the Block last night had issues. That's it. End of story.

How much does this post lack now? It has no real emotion or anything in it. I've just posted a list. How dull. How boring. How unlike me! Stupid, stupid, stupid. Ohh I have a new e-mail. Must go read.

For crying out loud

I've attempted to publish a post three times now and it's friggin not working! Argh! I write and I write and I write but nothing! Fails, Error! Argh!

Bugging Me

Yep you read that right, things are bugging me. Just little petty things. Like wanting something brand new which actually isn't all that different to something all ready in existance, just a few colour differences really. Like stupid things in regards to rubbish, and mail, and stores. Argh! Can you tell that my job is bugging me today? Seriously, sometimes I feel like I am working with a bunch of five year olds who want me to tie their shows and blow their noses. Grr.

We have a Kids on the Block show this evening which is pretty exciting, it's down in Lara and will be our third show. Not too bad all things considered. Rehursing last night went well and everything will be packed and ready to go this afternoon. After the gym. After the weigh in.

Both Kathy and Rebecca are in Canada at the moment. Addmittedly in two different parts, but they are still there. One from this country and one from across the river, NZ! Maggie is coming to visit in July. Rebecca will be here in May. Then I will leave in December. Lots of movement going on. Perhaps more people will come and visit before then.

You ought to see the sky today, it's all hazey and horrid. People this pollution in Beijing is bad, I think today we could give that city a run for its money.

Pangs of Sadness

Do no fret, I am not depressed. Well yes I am, hence I'm on an anti-depressant. What I mean though is that the title of this post should not set off alarm bells. It more describes momentary glimpses into my life. I'm not even sure I know how to explain it, all I can say is that I experienced a similar thing in the weeks leading up to my departure for Pax Lodge. I knew it would happen again knowing that this time I am going to leave for good, however I did not think it would start so soon.

There seems to be a lot of streams of sadness coming from people around me at the moment, its almost like I can feel their emotions. All the sad ones, bad ones, regretful ones. On the same token however, I also have my own pangs of sadness because of a comment or an action on my own part.

We had our house warming on Saturday afternoon. As one of our guests were leaving, one of these pangs crept up on me. Its almost like I can glimpse life here without me. Not in the same way I did some three years ago because back then I believed the world would fall apart without me in it, people here would not cope when I was gone. I think that's because I felt I held far too much responsibility. Since that time I have learned to see a value in myself and how much others really do think of me on a sentimental level. A large part of this awareness of myself all comes down to Erin's doing and I'm actually quite greatful for that. What I am getting at is, in these rare moments which I am sure will come more frequently as time passes, I can almost see a lost person, a person with that missing part or element that I can give them. I realise that I mean a lot more to people than I give myself credit for. I do not say that with a big head, I merely say it because deep down I think I do feel guilty for making them feel that way. Yet I also know that I can't stay where I am not happy, my happiness is not something I am willing to sacrifice for others.

On a lighter note, ha funny I should choose that, I weigh in again this week. After last weeks result I'm not feeling all that confident. I'm scared I've put on! Because I felt like I'd lost like a lot but it seems I'd only toned up a bit. Boot Camp starts next week and I am so going to die, it'll kill me. I am scared to see how horribly unfit I am, but on the same token I'm excited about it ending because I will know that come the end of the 8 weeks, I'll be able to do things I won't have been able to do when I began.

WTF??

OMG after all that effort I have been putting in, is everyone ready to see my huge weigth loss for the week?? Ready for it...... 600g! I mean why on earth would I do that to myself for a crappy 600g? 600 measily grams. . .

Hunger Pains

My stomach is talking to me. Its not happy I can tell you that. It hasn't been for a while, it wants to know what happened to pasta, and muffins. Garlic Bread and enchiladas. It's completely over salad of all varieties, tired of fruit and sick of having to digest things like kidney beans and bean sprouts. Ekk. It's telling me enough all ready.

To give you the background I went to the docs, she weighed me and I nearly died when I saw what the scales told me. It seems that nice and fit winter Pax Rachael faded into the memory of that very trip. So I went down to the gym, signed up for bootcamp, signed up for PT class and signed up for slim. Hence the change in diet. Last week I lost 2kg. I was pretty impressed with that, because it's losing and not a gain. This past 7 days I've been on a kilojoule controlled eating plan just to see if that will help. I will die if I walk in there and she tells me I have to keep going with it. No, I shouldn't say that because I've actually eaten food which tastes better than it sounds. I think its more the inconvenience of trying to keep fresh food, well, fresh. It's hard. And on the expensive side too.

However, if I go in there and have a further weight loss, I'll be happy. I know there are changes that need to be made if I am going to take this all very serious. Which I am. I've changed the amount of exercise I do, go to the gym a little more, changed what I eat and even talked about getting a push bike. I'm in this for the long haul man, I want to be back to my Pax Lodge size! Its going to take time. I know. It won't happen overnight, but it will happen.

What started this was that my tummy was grumbling for lunch. Mmmmm three bean salad...mmmm so looking forward to it. Not. I hate three been mix, its nasty. I like mushrooms and tomato and celery and cheese which is all good. I just, I dunno. What I wouldn't give for a chicken and avacado sandwich right now. No, how about a toasted cheese sandwich dripping with melted cheese. No! Chinese take away! Oh yes please!

Spending

Have done a little shopping today. No, not on a new laptop. I figure it seems to be tempremental as to what it wants to do now and as far as I am concerned, buying a new laptop just 8 months before I leave the country is stupid. I want to buy one in the country I settle, that ways I don't have to worry about adaptors and stuff. Ha, stuff, that's real technology minded.

So no, not a laptop. But shopping online for three things, two of which are the same (but not) and one which is very different to the other two. Right, the similar ones are Jeff Dunham DVDs, hence they are the same, but of different shows. Which makes them the same, but different. I was rather excited to find them on Amazon.com for the price they were at. Both combined plus postage is still cheaper than buying a copy from a store in the US. I'd try and price them here, but no one seems to even know who Jeff Dunahm is without even bringing Walter, Peanut and Achmed into it. Not to mention the Jalepenio on a stick.

The second item, well third, but second set even though it was the first thing I purchased. Well no because not even that is true because I've not yet paid for it. Anyways, Caro from Germany whom I worked with at Pax Lodge in London, has her own clothing/fashion line. What I've bought you can't actually wear. I guess it's like a cloth pencil case without a zip that kinda rolls up and you close it. I can't explain it really. I can't even think of a name for it. Regardless, I fell in love with it when she posted the photos like two weeks ago and have been hanging out for pay day so that I could purchase it. And I have. Kinda. And it's exciting!

This evening we have our second Kids on the Block show. A diversion from shopping, yes. Yet it's on my mind because I always get kinda nervous before a show and I get scared it won't go very well and I know we've got to be there by a certain time and all its going to take is us getting stuck in traffick and it's all over red rover! I'm being paranoid. I know.

On The Fritz

It would seem that my so called brilliant laptop is on the path to death and if it continues to play up, it'll get there a whole heap sooner! I dunno, maybe it was a bad buy from the beginning, I tend not to have a good deal of luck buying anything other than camera. No I shouldn't say that. To date my stereo, DVD and VHS have all continued to work with vallient effort. Its just annoying thats all, knowing that for the moment my internet access is limited to work hours. Which won't make too much of a difference when you think about the hours I write and check in! More than anything its just the inconvenience of not having access at home. You get used to it.

Thinking About Things

...that I cannot fix or change or even hope to find out about is doing nothing other than wasting my time! Seriously, I mean thinking about people I went to school with like six years ago is pointless. They've moved on, lived their life in various different ways. I can't sit here and wonder if theya re okay or if they survived the first few years after or even if they are alive at the moment. I've met too many people and crossed too many paths to be able to do that. Sadly they are but lost souls to me. Gone, not to return.

I'm not even sure why I started to think about that. I guess I was thinking about writing and about the people I was friends with when I started writing. Then I began to think about Riannon, or Carrigan, as she was known to me. I, her Casper, one day promised that I would dedicate my first book to her. Most people would have forgotten that promise, especially to someone they've not heard a bo-peep from since the day high school ended. But I do remember it. And I do wonder what happened to her. And Sheridan, and Amy and Rachel and Magenta. How is Carly doing now in married life. And Mel, what's it like to be a mother with another child on the way? The people who changed sexual preference, what made them do it? And those who went overseas, like myself, what were their stories?

I guess right now I am just thinking too much about things which I can't put good energy toward finding out the answers or the outcomes.

In thinking about those things, I think about myself now and how much I have changed in a vast number of ways. Looks, feelings, loves, hates. Goals and dreams. Career. I am so far from the person who graduated from high school that it's not funny. I'd like to be that physical size again though, I do admit that! However, I'm on the road to fixing that, and even a week into that aim to fix I feel a slight difference. And that's the main thing. I want to shift a crap load of weight and be back to my Pax Lodge Christmas weight. The thinnest I'd been in a long time. Mind you, the road to getting there wasn't the best one, that's for sure.

I miss Hampstead Heath. Oh gosh now I'm going to start gushing about all the things I miss about London, someone stop me before I do! Otherwise we could be sitting here all day! I would just endlessly type about buses and parks and shows and people and places . . . you get the idea.

Perhaps my issue right now is that I feel idle. I don't feel like I am going in any sort of direction, despite there being so much going on in life right now that it's not funny. I have to admit, I am a busy person trying to cram a whole lot in such a little time with little time to just chill and relax. But part of that lack of energy will soon be fixed no doubt. Or at least here is to hoping.

Rather random change of subject here, but there has been sucha fuss on TV about the Olympic Torch that I'm starting to wonder about the Beijing Games this year. I mean its kinda scary. I can understand why people are up in arms, but what if someone really targets China in that time? I mean there certianly is motive there. I was thinking about it this morning as I was eating my cornflakes and watching the early morning news and how they were talking about the torch location in San Fransisco being all secret for security reasons, and how they might just stop the world torch relay and take it right into China and leave it there until the games start. It is scary. I'd hate to be in the country while the games are on, I really would. I have that horrible sinking feeling that something dreadful is going to happen because of how much emotion is involved in the whole thing. And its understandable. It's just scary for all the innocent people who may become victims of such strong feelings.

I want to complain

Workers today just don't know what work is. Okay, I guess I am being role specific, company specific and just comparing myown workload in a role to the current workload in the same role. This is how it is. Before I was in my current role, I worked in the finance department in Accounts Payable/Receivable. Prior to my trip overseas I was also in that same role.

Ideally in the way the department was set up, we should have had four processors, a team leader and the Manager. However, because of the system restructure that was not the case. There was the manager, myself and on other processor, soon a second came on board close to my trip overseas. The three-four of us, while rather overworked, was able to manage the finance side of things in all circumstances for all Crime Department areas that as a whole we were accountable for. Then I went overseas. When I came back, we had a manager, a team leader and three processors. We still coped.

However, of late, the finance area (which I am now no longer a part of) has jumped to a manager, a team leader and what looks to be four processors. And yet, they are now palming off some of the processor responsibilities to people who sit in my role because the finance area feel to workload they have is too much. What the FUCK? I mean come on, you people have no idea what a workload is by comparison!!

And I don't understand why I should suddenly have to do their work for them. It's going to cause lots of problems further down the line because there is no open communication between finance and the people in my role. Thus the people in my role really have no idea what they are doing!! If finance are accountable for everything, then they should be doing everything and not getting mad at "us" when we get it wrong.

The whole thing just really pisses me off! I know, I probably haven't explained it really well and not explained everything for a large number of reasons, but I just needed to vent somewhere. Argh!!!

Home Away from Home

This morning was such an odd morning coming to work. It's the first day of daylight savings coming into winter, thus for the first time in a while there was enough light around to see the outside world. As I rode down St. Kilda Road on the number 64 tram, as I watched as the mist slithered through Domain Gardens, I spied many skeletal trees and dog walkers. I cam to realise that the scene I was seeing reminded me ever so much of London in the winter.

I have good days and bad days when it comes to being homesick for a city I lived a mere 14 months in as opposed to 22 years of my life. I can't explain it. I know of others who as well can understand this feeling, but can explain it no better than I can. There is something special about London. About the vibe and the life and the culture and the people. And indeed about the city itself. So sitting on the tram this morning I came to feel that today is a homesick day. They come around every once in a while and for the most part they pass without causing too much heartache. Still, what I wouldn't give to be back there again, if only for a moment.

Perhaps I should take up Astral Travel and have an out of body experience in London. That would work, while I sleep here in Australia, it would be daytime there. I could ride around on the buses, and walk along the Thames, chill out at the Tube stations and catch a glimpse of a film being made or a theatre show coming out. Watch as the leaves dance in the Heath and as the buskers entertain. I could watch a vivid and coloured patch-work life evolve and life and breath and beat and move.

Indeed, it is a homesick day.

Ideal World

I've started a little fan group on Facebook for me. Now don't get the wrong idea, I'm not all big headed and like attention drawn to myself. However, I do one day want to have a book published and thus consider myself to be an author of the future. I'd like to have a little fan base starting now, even if it is like ten years away and is only an article in a newspaper or magazine. Actually I've pretty much achieved that all ready so I have no choice but to move onto bigger and better things.

What I was wanting to get at is while in the process of posting up small bits and pieces of my writing works thus far spanning close to ten years, I realised that in the grand scheme of things I would be very happy to be able to sit anywhere I wished with my laptop and write until my heart was content. And while doing that, I would have my SLR camera by my side and be taking photos and be getting photo recognition as well. Things are peachy in my world, I mean really, how cool would that kind of life be?

Nancy has been putting cards together and giving them to little craft shops in and around Berea in Kentucky. Selling the cards mind you. Like I'm making money! Indeed it is only a few small dollars but it's proof that I can actually pull something like that off. I know I can take good, if not great, photos but I had never really considered making money out of it. Same as my writing. I do both because I enjoy it, because it can relax me and make me take a step back from this world and stand in the background and observe for a while. The best place to find inspiration if you ask me.

Then it would come down to where I would like. See in the big plan, the ultimate gain, I would like to spend 6-8 months in London and then 6-8 months in the USA. I'd get the best of both worlds and be in the various countries at various times of the year and be able to see all the seasons. I took some brilliant photos (if I do say so myself) in the fall in The Greak Smokey Mountains, and some awesome snow photos in Kentucky in January. But I also have some rather haunting photos of London in July and some almost bleak ones in March.

Pondering all this right here and right now really doesn't get me anywhere because my immeadiate future will all depend on if I get my greencard to enter the US as a resident. If not, then London will become home again. Point being I am leaving Australia at the end of the year. But so much is in limbo at the moment it's like driving me mad. I want the next few months to fly by and suddenly I want it to be August so I know what fate the American Immigration Department has handed me. That way I can start to make more concrete plans.

Chatting over Coffee

I feel like talking right now but that's one of the down sides of working at a reception desk. There isn't anyone else to talk to because I sit out here all alone. Now when I say talk, there is nothing really bothering me as such, I just feel like talking. Actually, what I would like to be doing is sitting in Starbucks sipping on a grande caremal macchiato and chatting away like I have all the time in the world. That too is the other down side of reception work -there is always something to do. Being the start of the month, there are additional things to do which suck because they're crappy jobs that take up more time than they are really worth. Oh wells.

Our PM is doing a lot of travel at the moment. This guy is going around the world shaking hands with people while all of us tax payers foot the bill. Its high time I went for PM, don't you think? Indeed I've done much travel in my time but I'd like to do some with someone else paying for me you know? And sure as hell Mr Rudd won't be flying cattle class, no sir.

For some time I have been meaning to scan lots of old photos and put them up on Facebook but I have not gotten around to it yet. I found a whole heap more I could put up the other day. My aunt and uncle were over going through all my photos for an idea they're doing for my grandparent's Christmas present and well I realised I have lots and lots and lots of photos -plenty of which are of people I have once again been put in contact with through the wonders of a social networking site. Don't you just love how technology works?! Anyways, I suddenly found I could add a few more albums to an all ready long list. I'm not real sure adding more is going to achieve anything. Just take up more of what little time I have.

This evening I'm going to the gym. I have my second PT session and my first slim session. It's probably all going to start at a great time considering I went to the doc's yesterday and she tells me I've gained a little weight. Just a little? Hell I'd like to go back to my Pax Lodge weight but that seems to be getting further and further away! I feel like it's just never going to happen. However, I'm not giving up that easily. I know there is lots to do, lots to shift but it can all be shifted by taking little steps to begin with.

I still want that coffee by the way. I'm trying to figure out a good excuse to go and get it. Mind you, Starbucks is in the CBD. Somehow I doubt I'll be able to pull that one off.