Bizzard, Very, Very Bizzard

How so? Simply I couldn't think of a title to "blog about' so I just thought of any word and that's the one that came to mine, thanks Pen. Lol. To be honest I don't really have a lot to purposefully say, I just sort of want to ramble and I don't know why. This is why after a while a physical journal fails to work for me. I can type much quicker than I can write and I always feel to use the ink and the paper, I should write something worth saying. Not that I am saying what I have to say isn't worth saying. It's just well, not quite.

Thankfully it's Friday. The thoughts in my head right now are whining. Its only been a week, it terrifying to think I still have three more to go. My mind is also sort of all over the place about a lot of things. Time is ticking by. I think I could be talking in about ten different directions if I were verbalising all of this.

You see, recently I came off my anti-depressant. Which isn't a big issue, it was half a tablet and working on methods to balance my moods. It took a long time to be able to admit that I took them and a long time for me to understand depression itself. First of all that there are varying degrees and ways in which is can impact on a person's life. I for one have been better off for the knowledge I gained and the help that half a little white pill has given me.

However, I don't want to be popping pills the rest of my life regardless of how small it is! The thing I actually wanted to say was that I was so sure I could handle things on my own, and frankly I am. Its just I notice the different in how I handle things. Its a this point that I bring those methods of control into play, those coping mechanisms. Its actually quite nice to be able to take control. But in coming off that little while pill, I'm actually aware of just how much of a difference it made. So it's really kind of fascinating really. Okay, maybe that's a little twisted for some of you. But human behaviour is exactly that!

I'm trying to figure out how to explain it. Okay, think radios. You have an old style manual tuning radio. You get fed up with it. So you upgrade to a new, auto tuning one. Perfect. Clears the static, makes life easier. But after a while you come to understand that you would always tune the old manual one, you just lost touch. So you go back to it. Takes a while to clear the static away, but you certainly can do it.

I think that's the best I can do.

Moving on, aside from the above which I had not an intention of talking about, life is busy. I'm in a temp role in another building which I'd rather be doing without, but oh wells. Guides is keeping me busy. The unit is growing nicely. International is sort of pushed to the side at the moment because Kids on the Block has sort of taken precedent considering the time frame I'm now on to have a hand over. We also have a training day coming up. The gym has fallen by the wayside to make room for Nancy's visit and preparing for the onset of moving. Once she leaves it's all systems go for packing up the house. Or beginning to. Then there are trying to pin down some plans for the wedding. Good grief!

My brother has moved back to Melbourne and is living with mum. I'm not sure what to feel about that and I'm not so sure it was a wise move. However, I could be proven wrong. I just hope it all works out for him is all. He's a good kid. Well, young man now I suppose!

Of late I've been thinking about the person I was and the person I am and the person I am aiming to become. There's always room for growing. But its kind of hard when two of those three merge into being. There are patterns of the old Rachael starting to return. Starting to panic and be scared. Starting to want things that I cannot have. Worst of all, starting to question everything that is.

Just another day in the life of Rachael! Man, one day I'm gonna write a book about it all.

Just 21 days until NaNoWriMo 2008 begins. Bring it on!