A Box of Crayons

Its a rather odd hour of the night to be blogging, or at least in my world it is! But in coming home on the train and in fact for most of the day, if not the past two days, a lot has been ticking over in my mind and perhaps could explain the lack of ability to stay sleeping at night.

The week has been a roller coaster in some ways. I came back from Edinburgh on Tuesday evening, all chilled and relaxed and well, glowing with the benefits of a holiday as most people do. Wednesday arrived and I was thrown back into reality with a thud. Not that any one thing triggered that, it just so happened it was Wednesday. In the grand scheme of things it was due to happen sooner or later. I guess I didn't expect it to happen in the way it did.

As most of you know, I enjoy writing. Like taking photos, but in a vastly different way. For many years now I've kept hand written journals. I can always tell when things just aren't quite right because I start to write them again. Its almost like writing things down on a page is a form of therapy. Whats important to note that up until the past weekend, I'd not put pen to paper since November last year. That's a hell of a gap in such a turbulent time in my life. Yes, people tell me that the change has been real and I guess the scope of it didn't sink in until a few months ago. In passing at least. However, I think another part of me blocked out feeling the effects of such a large change and overhaul of ones life.

Last Monday I sat in the pews, well chairs really, of The Church of the Holy Rude in Stirling, Scotland. If anyone knows their history and can link that with Tutbury Castle, great. If not, I suppose its not real significant to the story other than the fact that sitting in that chair made me think about my first trip to England some seven years ago. Which in turn got me thinking about other things which eventually found me thinking about substance in life. Long story short, I guess I had some sort of purpose crisis. Since then it's like the flood gates have been left open and I'm suddenly feeling things again. Its like having a box of 24 crayons and then suddenly realising you have a box of 200.

Being a writer, emotions play a large part in the ability to write, to paint a picture or scene using words. I hadn't quite realised how switched off I'd been in regards to what I feeling. I mean yes, I have still been feeling, but I'd not quite given those feelings the notice and attention they truly deserved. Since reality thudded towards me on Wednesday, I haven't quite realised how intensely I was feeling things. I was suddenly awakened, realising that I am feeling a large number of emotions right now and quite strongly.

Anger and frustration seem to be at the top of the list. Also mixed in there is being lonely, un-inspired, stuck, happy, confused, empowered. All in all I've been left feeling somewhat overwhelmed by everything. Today I was faced with the urge to pick up a pen and paper, and write. That's what I did. I'd originally intended to sit in a park and read. I ended up sitting in Hampstead Heath (on and off in the rain I might add) scrawling away on a piece of paper. I suddenly realised I had all these colours inside of me just bursting out wanting to paint a scene. Consequently, I became depressed. Trapped. And a little confused again. Despite how it sounds, it's actually a positive experience. I was mentally blocking that flow of what to feel, what to write, what to paint. And suddenly that blockage has gone. All because I sat in a church and thought about a holiday some years ago.

Once again how I perceive people and the impact they have on my life has changed. Some people I am seeing in a new light, some still the same. Some I am finding I like less, others more. Its rather liberating really. I can almost feel that aside from catching up on cleaning and washing, I want to spend a large portion of what weekend I have writing. About, who knows. As for length or substance, it could be anything. But I want to write, which is something I have not really done or desired in quite some time.

There is so much to catch up on, both creatively and physically. My blog has holes in the physical sense, I've not really been telling the story of what I've seen and where I've been and who I have been with. I really do believe I've been blocking it off.

However, I do know that there is unrest about. Almost like its a make or break situation. I know I should sleep on it, but I'm not really sure I could sleep at the moment. The brain is going 100 miles an hour. Which isn't something new either, I go through these phases, I'm just not really sure what to do about it.