Wide Open

The final words of my last blog, the round up of 2009, seem to haunt me in the echos of my quiet flat. Indeed the start of 2010 came along and blew the doors of life wide open, far wider than I thought was still possible. Life is curious in that way. Just when you think the worst is over and that you've almost reached the goal, the aim, the end of it all, a curve ball appears from left field and you're sort of left standing there stunned. Wordless. As if woken from a dream that was both vivid and distant all at the same time.

Every once in a while, other words haunt me. Some which I have said, some which others have said. Combined, it does make me worry somewhat just how much more is going to be pushed and thrown not only at me, but my loved ones as well. I mean, surely there must be an emotional endurance level when once hit, that's it. You get an easy ride. Okay I can hear some of you now practically yelling at me that it doesn't really work that way. Logically I know this. But you can't blame a person for hoping now, can you?

A month and a half into 2010 and I find myself standing out on a limb. Stripped bare. Metaphorically speaking I feel naked, standing in the middle of Trafalgar Square on a hot summers day, the world looking at me as though they can feel and hear and be privy to everything I am thinking, feeling and experiencing. You know me, I am a somewhat private person which is somewhat laughable when you consider I write those very words in an online blog and spend way too much time on Facebook. I guess I mean more by way of emotions. I'll gladly tell people that I am fine when in reality it's likely I am not. Its a rare few that can actually get past that and find what is making me sad or angry or any number of other emotions I seem to go through on an hourly, daily or weekly basis.

Sarah, the wisest of my therapists (why yes, shock horror I've had not only one, but three) once said that while writing a journal is a great tool for personal benefit, it can also be a harmful measure for a person who remains a great deal closed off from those who care most about them. The idea behind a journal is to write the continuance of thoughts which a person feels they cannot verbally say. But when thoughts aren't even started to be spoken of in the first place, therein lies the problem. I guess that was partly the reason why I started my blog in the first place. It was a step towards leaving the journal pages less filled. True, I still have the option of choosing what it is I reveal to the world, however it's progress.

So, the point of this? In the 46 days that has been 2010 so far I've experienced an array of emotions at a far greater level of intensity than I ever have before. I've struggled. Some of you I have talked to about this, others I have not. Those who know me best know not to take it personally if I haven't, because it really isn't intended that way. Old habits die hard and I spent so long not telling anyone anything, that every once in a while I slip back into that routine.

There are a wide variety of issues for me at the moment. The most prominent, and most obvious, was Erin's arrival and very sudden and unexpected departure in January through no fault of her own. In the 10 hours I paced the arrivals hall of Gatwick Airport I was faced with a very real possibility that I might not even get to see her. In fact I was so convinced they were going to deport her immediately that when I was eventually told they were going to grant her temporary entrance into the country, I was somewhat shocked and a bit unsure of what to do with myself.

However, what stays with me most from those hours was the sheer physical pain as to what I was feeling. It hurt. I really felt like I was dying inside, like a part of me had been violently ripped away and I was never going to get it back. Now, I'm not a person to take things for granted. I've learnt to appreciate and hold onto the simple things in life. But what I discovered was that I was taking for granted that everything was going to be okay. That my Happily Ever After was about to happen and nothing could get in the way of that. I took for granted that I love Erin. And I do, don't get me wrong, but it was almost like that entire experience made me realise just how much I actually do love her. How much I rely on her company and care and love and warmth. To be suddenly faced with having that taken away, it took the wind out of me. It crippled my spirit. It rendered me alone and isolated like a lighthouse on the coast.

Many, many people have asked me how I am doing. What I am feeling and how I am coping. For the most part I've shrugged this off and said I am fine. There are several close friends I've not even discussed how I feel with and to be honest, I don't know why. I guess I just didn't want to feel those things any more. Despite the crowds coming and going in the arrivals hall, I dealt with what felt like the most traumatic emotions of my life thus far, alone. Part of me really doesn't want to feel that again. But a part of me knows that it's important to feel them and to release them and to let others feel some of it too.

So while I won't declare to the world here every thought and fear and emotion I have or feel, I can at least make a start and perhaps make sure that some of you don't allow me to get away with simply saying I'm fine. Because the fact of that matter is, no one really pushes. They just take the fine at face value. Ultimately if I don't want to talk about something, I can come right out and say so. But until I do, I often just need a little nudge in the right direction.

In saying that, I don't expect to be interrogated the next time I see or speak to you!! I guess I was more just wanting to say sorry to anyone who may feel a bit hurt by my not being open and sharing. I am feeling a great deal of things and being the control freak I am (come on people, lets be honest here!) I don't know how to cope and as a result of that, I don't want to lose control of the front which most people see as me coping. I think to a degree we all feel like that at times.

Thus, to answer the ever asked question: I'm good, all things considered :-)

Now, I do believe the kettle is whistling to me and two wonderful men by the name of Ben & Jerry are calling to me. Time to curl up on the couch and do some DVD viewing before facing yet another week in the world.

Good Night All.