Primitive Fear

I feel somewhat self centred in my motives for writing this blog.

There are times when I want nothing other than to talk about myself and what I am feeling. Which some might argue is the very point of starting a blog. Honestly speaking however, that's not something I tend to follow through on because of the public nature of this document. Which in turn sort of renders this a redundant activity to immerse myself in.

On the other hand there are the times, like today, when I feel so helpless or scared or in awe that I can do nothing else other than write. In the grand scheme of things it can do nothing to bring about change. Not really. Not with things in which there is no control. I mean some change, but not now, not like this.

Right now Queensland is flooding. The worst since 1974, with the anticipation that horribly the worst it yet to come. I guess it wasn't until I was reading about how the city of Brisbane was having its power purposefully cut off that I understood how extreme it was. Yes, I've seen the photos and the video. But it's not until I read those very words that I felt scared. And I'm on the other side of the world. I can't imagine what it must feel like to be there, in the same state, the same region, the same city, the same street. It like watching one of those end of the world disaster movies, you can do nothing but sit there and watch it unfold. The difference being that this is real life. These are real people in real situations. And I feel somewhat helpless. Like many people to I should imagine.

It puts a lot of things in perspective too.

For me 2010 was a bad year. One I am ready to wipe from my memory like writing on a chalk board. Okay, fair enough there are a few moments I'd like to keep but for the most part it sucked. Some of that has carried over into the New Year. I'm still struggling. With a lot of things really. But when I think about people being swept away and pets being lost and homes being destroyed, I realise how much I still have to be thankful for. Yes, I have friends and family in Queensland. And not to discredit my love and care for them, but some of the most important people in my life are here with me. I can't imagine being swept away from them. I would be gutted. I know I would. The sheer thought of it makes me want to grab hold of my loved ones and never let them go.

Again, the reality is I can't. And it scares me. I begin to realise just how insecure I have become in some ways. How fragile I seem to think my foundations are. And I can't understand why. I've always been such a strong person. Right now is not the time to have that fail on me. I have some choices to make. Some truths to face up to. I need all the strength I can find. But physically I simply can't and its now taking it's toll on my mental well being. So I get scared easy.

Which brings me back to the floods. Many years ago I remember being shown a map of the future world. A Spiritual friend of the family showed it to me. I can remember thinking how unlikely it seemed to be. Thinking that parts of the world can't be flooded or eroded. Not like that. Not so soon. Not in my lifetime. But then as I got older and more worldly, I understood that for a lot of reasons it could very much be something that will happen in my lifetime. And so when I get scared, in moments or disbelief or despair, I think of that map. And when I see the images of the flooding on the TV, it's all I can think of. When I see the photos, I see the map. When I read the stories, I can sense the tears, the fear, the panic. What if it were sooner?

All that, and I'm not even there. Gosh it must be terrifying.

I'm not big on the power of prayer. However, I'm thinking now might be the time to change that.