Along the Edge

Its been incredibly hard of late to put into words what it is I've been feeling and will continue to feel for some time yet. Late this afternoon I took a nanna nap. Yes, laugh, but that's not where I was wanting to take this!! During this nap, I dreamed a vivid dream unlike any I've had for a very long time. Scope wise, it felt like I was watching a movie at IMAX, on a massive screen in 3D motion.

I found myself walking along a high clifftop, right along the edge, arms spread either side of me to help me hold my balance. To my right spread the ground with trees and grass and roads and buildings. An elaborate canvas of colour and life, with birds and cows. Long grass, short grass. An abundance of stability and foundation, in a representation of all that is routine and solid. A person could run and laugh, dance and sing. The sun shone. It was perfect. Yes, solid is the right word.

When I looked to my left there was nothing. A vast expanse of space as the ground gave way to what could only be described as a canyon. The feeling as I looked out was much like the one I had standing on the edge of the Grand Canyon, only bigger. I couldn't see the bottom. There were thin clouds and moisture. A great opening of soundless air and chills waiting to swallow me whole. If I fell I would fall slowly, arms waving frantically and my face filled with fear.

And yet the duration of this dream I walked that fine line in between. Right along the edge. Constantly looking from left to right and right to left. The edge continued in front of me for as far as the eye could see. When I woke, I realised that is what I felt. Its what I feel. Like everything right now is a delicate balance and until my footing fails me and I fall either way, I must continue straight ahead being taunted and teased by each possibility but never knowing which way will end up being my fate.

Life has become heavy. I feel that for the first time in my life that if I had a remote control, I would not fast forward nor pause, rather I would rewind. Now, let me say this firmly and with certainty: I am not wanting to move back to Australia and I am not regretting the move. But what I crave is a life which at one point felt complicated but in hindsight I know really wasn't. Not truly. To pause life as it is right now is to be stuck in a void of nothingness, nothing beyond simply existing. Fast Forward would mean knowing what fate had planned out for me, it would have the answer I am terrified to have, yet crave like a drug addiction. Thus my only option for grounding is rewind. To go back to a time where by comparison I felt happy. I felt secure. I did not feel scared. As a person who is constantly told how strong I am, how mature I am, how much I am admired for having guts and daring -I really am not that person. For what feels like the first time in my life I am terrified of so many, many things.