Sunshine Days

There is something brilliant about the colour which surrounds you in spring. Flowers start to bloom. Trees once more look healthy, grass is green and much more blue sky appears. When you add sunshine into the equation, what emerges is this canvas of bright and vibrant colour. Greens and pinks and blues and all sorts. Its really quite a glorious thing to see. Somehow it always manages to lift your spirits.

Goodness knows I need it. Genuine smiles these days are few and far between. All things considered, its a wonder I smile at all. But I do. That's one of the worst things about my job. No matter how I feel inside, you just have to keep smiling. Keep making people believe all is well and good. I sometimes wonder if thats why I find myself being so tired. Goodness knows my sleep patterns have been all over the place, but maybe its the sheer energy it takes to wear that face all day . . .true, some days I just can't quite do it.

A lot is going to happen. Six weeks from now life could be a very different thing. There is a fork in the road ahead and I'm driving about 100 miles an hour to get there. And I won't know I've hit it until I literally do. That's the scary part. I can plan and anticipate either outcome, but until it arrives no amount of prediction is going to help me deal with the reality of it. Sounds all rather dramatic I know, however the truth of the matter it really is. For me. For the people involved. What scares me is the distinct lack of support I have here. Emotionally. I really don't feel I have anyone to go to, not without it being weird or awkward. Likely on my part, but that's me!

Which brings me to a very special group of people I want to talk about. My Aussie X-Phile Family. Corny, yes. Very geek like, yes. The past month, maybe two, I'm not really sure because I've lost complete sense of time passing. Point being that for some period of time now they've been a source of love and support in a very distant way and when I least expected it. Truth be that we're from all over the place and I've only actually met four of them in person. Yet many more have been a part of some mass postage campaign of love whereby I come home at the end of the day and find a random postcard waiting from me. Even from people I have never met. More often than not, it makes me both cry and smile all at the same time!!

Just over two years ago now I joined a very small Facebook group of fans. Seriously guys, it was small. Over that time it's grown and they've become a group and a family I'd never expected to have and one I'm not sure many people will really understand. I've learnt a lot from them, and together we've each been rocks in time of a storm, a ray of sunshine on a dull day, a burst of laughter from the most serious of moments. I guess I just wanted to say, somehow, that I appreciate everything I've gained from them. I'm so far away from all that once seemed familiar during a period of turbulence unlike anything I've prepared for. And yet there, on the sidelines they wait, ready to swoop forward and hug me. Of sorts.

However, it also points out to me the lack of human contact I have. Lack of everything I have right now. And I mean everything. It scares me a lot.

I did indeed find a Guide Unit to join which I have to admit is very exciting. I've only been along once to see them, but I look forward to a bright future with them. A huge group of 30 kids all roughly the same age which will be a new challenge I'm sure. But it's an exciting one. I walked away that night and found that a small part of me had been revived. Bring it on!!

Let me point out. At this very point in time I'm not sad or depressed. Indeed I'm not overly joyous either, I just am. I'm thinking about things. I've been applying for jobs. Trying to figure out what I'm going to make for dinner. Listening to music, contemplating reading, tossing up the pros and cons of going for a walk and risk being rained on. My mind is going around in circles and I know that sometimes its good to word it out. And thats what I am doing.

Well see what started it was looking out my kitchen window and the now filled trees again. The thoughts just sort of flowed from there. As they tend to do.