The Waiting Game

I've always considered myself to be a patient person. Depending on the circumstance, some would say I have the patience of a saint. I on the other hand know there are times when quite frankly my patience fails me and all I feel like doing is slamming someones head into a wall. Oh come on, this should not come as any shock, I am a redhead after all!! Besides, you can't tell me you've not had one of those moments. Ever. Circumstances, I know, I know.

My patience right now is pushing the limit, though much different to anything I've experienced before. We've now entered into week five of waiting for news on Erin's Visa. I know the reality is that I need to pace myself, there still could be a few weeks of this to go, but somehow it's managed to creep up on me without my knowing it. I spent most of Monday unable to focus on anything. The coin finally dropped this evening as I was walking home as to what is causing all this unrest, this fidgeting, this lack of attention. Indeed, what has caused the onset of my anxiety attacks to return.

Yes thats right. For those of you who didn't know, I suffered from them upon my return to Australia a few years ago. With thanks to a supportive friend, a great therapist and eventually some medication, I got them under control and eventually they were gone. I should have seen the signs really. I had a small one a week back. But at the time I'd just put it down to being tired. Indeed stressing out about things. It was the one which crept up on me walking home this evening that made me understand that somehow, some way, everything that I am feeling (or not at times) is because I am waiting.

It sounds stupid I know, and the easiest thing in the world to say that I should just get on with it and wait and see what happens and sort of plan some damage control for either outcome. Have a back up plan. Have something ready. And indeed I did do that. Have done that. But there are factors and outcomes involved in all this which not everyone is aware of and may never be unless they need to. Which is fine, that's my right. I remain, as always, a private person in certain matters. Its just that, I have moments where I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a river and the water is rushing by all around me. I watch people come and go and plan and laugh and all the things which come together when living life. I'm just there. Waiting. Waiting for the bus that never seems to come when you've got some place to be.

For what it's worth, I've probably been ignorant enough until recent months to this feeling. The reality is for Erin that's something she's been dealing with for some time having put an education on hold in the hopes of having her personal life sorted. And to a degree, maybe I knew that and maybe I was aware that I myself was doing that too. I just didn't expect it to all come shouting at me all at once. I find myself wanting to check e-mail every 5 minutes. Check my phone. Check anything which might indicate to me what is going to happen today. Tomorrow. Next week or god forbid, next month.

I wish I were like people who lost weight when under pressure. Clearly I am not. I unfortunately was blessed with the curse of eating my emotions. Or drinking. Or smoking, though that one not so much any more. I constantly feel like an addict must feel waiting for that next hit. I'm jittery. I can't seem to focus too much. I seem to have this energy which needs to get out but somehow manifests not into the desire to take a walk (or laughably so, a run) rather I've realised it holds me prisoner. In a room. In a building. In a mindset which can think of nothing else and it's driving me mad! Gah!

A-hem. I'll calm myself. Its times like this I wish it were November and I could bury myself into the need to finish NaNo. And trust me, I've tried to fool myself into thinking it's the perfect time to write, to explore and expand the world of past, present and new characters. But when it comes to sitting down, hands poised over the key board all I get is that stupid blinking cursor sitting on the word document before me. And then I lose focus.

Thus it becomes a vicious circle. Dearest Immigration Visa Person, where ever you are, please, please, PLEASE hurry up and make your mind up. On the flip side, knowing also scares me. I can't win either way.