Working, is it?

Something which has astounded me this past week is just how out of touch I have been with things. The past few months have been tough, which is both known and understandable. But the scary part is how self aware I was. The answer, not very. Communication via many means has been at an all time low. Days blurred into weeks simply by sleeping, eating and working. Sleeping too little, eating too much and working away at a job which has consumed my soul. That's about the best way I can put it.

Lets get one thing clear. I am grateful for a wage, its been better than nothing, though the reality is that I live month to month. Barely. But I live. I'm also incredibly lucky to have worked with the dwindling team that I have. I certainly have no gripes about them. Nothing beyond normal. In fact, should they know it or not, in some ways each of them has played a role in supporting me. And it's this which I've realised has become a problem. My key issue is that I am far too loyal. I don't mean to say that big headedly (is that even a word?). In fact some of you have openly told me that its a flaw of mine. And I'm starting to see why.

Right now I'm caught between being the loyal person I am, and being selfish and careless enough to want to walk away. Bottom line is I won't because I'm not that stupid to put myself in a situation not to have a wage. For those of you who know me and know me well, I can be a passionate person. I've always been a hard worker and I've always been lucky enough to work with and for, people who value that.

I've become aware of how far away from that person I have become. I've come to realise that my current employment situation has not only worn down my working spirit and ethic, but my expectations as well. Frankly, I don't want to do anything. And why should I? That seems to have become my attitude and I HATE that. I've never been against a lot of hard work for little in return. But the difference has always been that it's been worth it. My current job, is not.

Yesterday afternoon I sat on the North End here in Croydon. And can I say, there are far too many pubs in Croydon, make of that what you will. As the sun lowered in the sky, I watched people walk by. I started to think about how life is going to get so much better and that the promise of the life I want is much stronger now. How the blockage has gone. Which is ironic really, because we talk about blockages at work, though we actually use a different term. The irony is that work itself has become a blockage. I need to get out, I need to save whatever remains of my former working self before it too is gone. But on the flip side, I don't want to let anyone down.

I guess in some ways I should have seen this coming. Stupidly I turned down a job just before Christmas. It really didn't pay too much more than I was earning. At the time there were great discussions with the powers that be about how things were going to get better. Its now six months later and I actually believe things are a damn sight worse. All I could think about yesterday was that how maybe I'd missed my chance at Christmas, my chance to escape and move on. Now I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.

When talking to Erin about how brilliant it is that she's finally going to be able to get here (and it totally is, in case you've not gotten that yet!!) she said that it didn't solve all my problems. I laughingly said it didn't matter, it would make them better able to be handled. In part I was right, but in part so was she. In fact I think having one part of my life go right and free up some of the consciousness, it's made me more aware of other areas that are lacking and wrong.

Yes, I am a believer in things happening for a reason. However if I reflect over the past 12 months, I can't quite figure out the benefits of taking on this job. Aside from saving me from more months of unemployment. If we are to learn something from all things, all happenings in life, what the hell have I learned from this? And how has it been to my advantage?