As The Day Closes

I’m in such a weird mood. Well I shouldn't say weird because I am sure somewhere along the line someone is likely to point out its probably a very normal mood for someone in my situation to be in. So no, not weird. Maybe nostalgic. Maybe reflective. Maybe contemplative. I guess the weird part is that I’m not really sure what has sparked it. No, that’s not really true either. It all sort of started at dinner last night as we were sitting there eating our pasta in Olive Garden.

See, we were talking about Italian cooking, and as a result of that I started talking about my Nonna. It seems terrible to think that now all the things that made her who she was, all the things that made her memorable in my mind, just aren’t there anymore. I won’t hear her say things, or won’t smell things that are just so typically her. And so I began to think about how that part of my life is now something I can’t go back to.

Then we started talking about family trees. And so I was mentally putting mine together in my head and this morning when I got up I actually mapped it out. Don’t get me wrong, I want to make this very clear now, I am not missing my family. Well yes I am, but nothing more than is to be expected. I don’t regret the big move I am making or anything. I just, like I said, I’m just a little nostalgic.

As I swam deeper into my nostalgia, I realised just how much of a brink of nothingness I am. I mean that in a positive way, despite the negative connotations its probably just revealed in your mind. I sort of feel like I’m perched on the edge of The Grand Canyon (I can say that now I know what it feels like!). I’m sturdy on the edge, but right there, right in front of me is a vast empty and open space. I really don’t know what is next. I mean, I can plan for things to be next, but in reality there is no promise of anything. I’ve shifted everything I know to be constant (in its inconsistency) and placed it in the realm of uncertainty.

Relax. I’m not freaking out. I guess I suddenly just realised the scope of what it is I am actually doing. Nothing is going to be the same, not really. Not in Australia and not in London. At least not the way I remember it. I have no great expectations and am rather excited about the prospect of starting a new life there. But the familiarity that I have with London is somewhat superficial. I will merely be seeing things that look familiar. People I knew from my previous time there will have changed, that’s to be expected. So I’m not worried about that. Like I said, I find it rather exciting.

I don’t know, I guess I am just in a thinking mood, but not anything in particular. I think I feel a little left of centre right in this moment. Like having an out of body experience. Or having prior knowledge of something before it actually happens. I really just don’t know how to explain it.
Here in the dusk I am sitting here looking out the window at the fast approaching evening sky, listening to Nickleback and well, feeling like there is a huge expanse of space within me. I’m a little concerned that people are going to think I am spacing out or having an emotional breakdown, I am not, let me make that very clear! I’m just trying to figure out what it is I am feeling and put it into words. Its not really working very well.

Blessed. I think I feel blessed for how life is turning out for me. No, it hasn’t been easy, but then I am also very aware of other people and their lives and really I have nothing to complain about, not that I am wanting to complain. Argh! I don’t know! I’m frustrated! Stupid words! I had indeed intended to sit down and write postcards that I’ve now had sitting here for close to two months. Ones I’d picked up on my trip when I first arrived in the US. I just haven’t yet. And I should. I’m lazy. I’d also hoped to spend a little time writing. Or editing. And I haven’t done that either. I think I’m just letting the days sort of drift by. With less than a month here, yep, just 25 days until I fly out to London, you’d be thinking I’d be making some big attempts to be doing things I’d hoped to achieve in my time here!

And yet the only thing that really concerns me, is trying to fit everything into my suitcases! Ha!