Trying to find the words

The BBC alert on my phone notified me that Her Royal Highness Queen Elizabeth II was ill, but was comfortable. For an hour I watched as the commentators streamed live from Balmoral. They would jump back to the studio. Then there would be a montage of archived footage of interviews and events of the past 70 years. The concern was real and it seemed to wash out of the speaker in waves. Never previously has our beloved monarch been talked about with such seriousness in relation to her health. And as the audio fell silent, that feeling of dread surged over me. Then the words of Huw Edwards announced that Queen Elizabeth II had died. In that moment, something within me shifted and as the tears welled and burned my eyes, then cascaded down my cheeks, the only comfort I had was a stunned 15-month-old child who didn’t understand anything other than the fact his Mama was upset. 

In the silent house, the overwhelming sense of isolation and loneliness exploded. My ongoing struggle of not being American, of being constantly reminded that I am different, of being culturally stripped collided with the depression I’ve been battling and the sense of loss of an identity I’m trying to come to grips with. 

Twice in the past ten days the pull to return to the Mother Country has been strong, to the point of almost clicking purchase on an airline ticket. The need, the yearning, to be around people who could understand what it was I was feeling was so intense that I was prepared to pause all of my responsibilities here to simply be there. Alas, my head won a battle that even now my heart is still mad about. 

 I grew up as a first generation Australian, heavily influenced by British heritage as my mother and her family are United Kingdom born. There were a number of times in my childhood which I can remember celebrating significant moments in The Queen’s reign. Each Christmas afternoon we would gather to watch Her give her annual Christmas Speech. In general, there were times together we enjoyed being proudly British with all it entails. Last night of the Proms was one I can recall seeing so many Union Jacks around my grandparents’ house. I remember lying in bed with them as a child, drinking tea in the early hours of the morning as a portrait of a young Queen looked down upon me. Landmarks of a foreign land adorned their walls, the concept of a great nation on the other side of the world was something my younger self never comprehended. 

As a young teenager, I came into being the Global Citizen that I am today. I took to heart the concept of what it is to be a part of the Commonwealth. I swore an oath to the Queen every time I said my promise as a Guide. I began to realise that my allegiance to Her Royal Highness and the idea of Monarchy was something not many of my peers shared -if any. 

But then the dawn of adulthood came and at eighteen years of age, I visited the UK for three weeks. This far away land called the United Kingdom became very real. I stood in front of Buckingham Palace and felt the sense of pride swell in me. I was here. Some two and a half years later I return and end up staying seventeen months working as a volunteer, continuing my real-life immersion into a culture which felt so familiar to me. At age twenty-one I had my first experience of seeing Her Majesty with my own eyes at the 60th Anniversary of the United Nations service which was held at Westminster Abbey. The Queen walked along the aisle through the congregation, just four people separated us. 

Since then, I have been in her presence no less than eight times, the final two occurring in 2016 before I left London. I had been living there permanently for almost eight consecutive years. At that time, I was working for one of her Patron Charities which allowed for that alliance to the Queen to shine and a true understanding of the bonds of the Commonwealth to grow. Yes, in my time working there I spoke to ‘The Palace’ a few times, after the first I squealed in delight after the phone call ended! The proud little Monarchist that I was never dreamed that phone call could, and would again, happen. I was also honored to celebrate Her Majesties 90th Birthday on The Mall with 6000 of her closest friends at the Patron’s Lunch to celebrate her birthday milestone. In true British style, the grand picnic was rained on. However, the weather did not dampen our spirits! 

The last time I would see Queen Elizabeth II in person would also be the occasion I was closest to her. It was a true honor to receive an invite to a Garden Party at Buckingham Palace in May of 2016. This time there would be just one person between she and I. As The Queen walked along and shook hands with the woman in front of me, she made an effort to acknowledge those in the rows behind and in the few seconds we locked eyes, I felt seen. She must have looked at millions of people over the years, but in that moment, those magical blue eyes let me know my loyalty and service was appreciated. It was a very humbling moment. 

When I moved from London that summer to reside in the US, I had no way of knowing just how much of myself I was losing, and would continue to lose. Don’t get me wrong, I am surrounded by wonderful people. But America has a way of making you conform, to be the same. Right from the get go, I had someone say to my face ‘how dare you steal a job from an American’. How do you even respond to something like that? 

Over the past six years much of my identified Australian and Britishness has slowly been crumbling away. Holidays and traditions have fallen by the wayside, leaving me to mark them on my own in private moments. Constantly explaining what I mean or why I’ve used certain words and phrases becomes tiring. Add into the mix the arrival of a very much wanted and loved son, it’s not unexpected to be exhausted more than ever, leaving even less time to hold onto the identity I’m struggling to maintain. 

The death of The Queen has somehow blown any semblance of identity out of the water. I have scrambled in the past 10 days to ‘be with my people’ as much as possible. I owe a great deal of gratitude to the BBC and it’s continued streaming coverage of everything. Twenty-four hours a day I have been able to dip in and out and see proceedings, to watch as the Queen’s coffin moves from place to place, and be a part of various ceremonies as they take place. And strangely allowing me to find comfort in the live stream of the laying in state. While initially I felt intrusive on people’s moment to show their profound sense of grief, it has become a regular place to watch for a while, to share and grieve with people. So somehow feel a part of all this. Of this seismic change. To be reassured that everything I am feeling right now is real and legitimate. When the final people walked through the hall and the camera angle panned up to the magnificent ceiling, I had a real sense of finality to everything. That door was being closed. 

A grief specialist by the name of David Kessler writes “Iconic figures like The Queen become the backdrop of our lives. And they also connect us to ourselves. We remember not just their milestones, but how their milestones connect to ours. Her dying is not only the end of her life, but it reflects our own passage through life”. Losing someone who is key to your identity, as such as I am feeling, is not uncommon. The grief I feel now is also stirring up past grief and loss that perhaps I’ve yet to come to terms with. It all becomes mixed together. The timing of this has kind of created a perfect storm. 

Those who know the true me, know I have been struggling, I have not been fooling them. I’ve been erratic and irrational. I’ve been quieter and more withdrawn. And in my current day to day life, the pressure to just move on with life has been heavy. And that was before the passing of my Queen. 

Generally speaking, people here don’t care how things change now. They don’t comprehend how someone can feel sad about the loss of The Queen and what it really means. On some level, I don’t expect them to because after all, I am living in America and that sense of Monarchy and Commonwealth have no frame of reference. But this it is also a stark reminder that in and of itself, America is a self-contained nation. The average Joe doesn’t think about the world beyond national boarders or state lines. Sometimes beyond a city or a town. And I guess that’s another feeling I’m also mourning. I miss not being the token foreigner. I miss the ability to share my identity and not be a novelty. I miss being around others like me. 

So, as I sit here and hear the echoes of Big Ben in my mind as a city and a nation fall silent in remembrance, I take comfort from the ability to watch and take part from afar. Life has changed. I am once again changing. And yes, I will continue to struggle to move forward. But one thing I have realised in the past ten days is that I am not alone in feeling this way, even if those like me are 1000s of miles away. While those in my immediate community continue as if nothing significant has happened, I will continue to hold onto my sense of self and look to the beacons of a faraway nation and a Commonwealth to help guide me on my way. 

As a once young Queen discovered, a time of turbulence will pass. An inner strength can hold you steadfast. Sometimes you don’t have all the answers, yet, but one day you will have the wisdom to know what you didn’t know then. 

Thank you for your lifetime of service my Queen, and may you now rest in peace.

People Watching

A number of things occurred to me today. This is not unusual as throughout the course of any given day any number of new things will occur to me, I'll solve a problem, come across a new scenario and even once in a while discover something completely new and from left field.

That wasn't the point I wanted to make if I am honest. I guess what I wanted to talk about was people. Because we pass them every day in train stations and at home and in the work place. Sometimes, the people you see the most can surprise you the greatest. I don't really want to focus on that either because no one has surprised me today. I wasn't expecting them to. It was just a normal day.

But as I was sitting on the train watching the world go by on my way home this evening, I found myself thinking about the people around me and how they all fit into the bigger picture. Yes, some people just chronically piss me off. And others are just there. I don't want to focus on that either!

What I was thinking about were the connections between you and other people, and then the connection between other people. They are such odd things. Connections. They can creep up on you and make you realise things about yourself that you'd not taken notice of before. Not that anyone made me realise that today. I'm just generally speaking.

I guess what fascinates me the most is learning a new element of a connection that makes you sit back and go 'oh that explains it'. Because I had one of those moments today. Actually I had a moment today as I understood a kinship of going through a similar thing. I knew exactly how I felt in that moment and how lonely it can feel. It also made me think different about the people involved. Not that I thought badly of them. I just think of them differently now. And I wish I could help, though I know it's not my place to until they come to me. Let's face facts, they won't. Because they don't know I know what they know. All somewhat convoluted I know, but that was the point I was trying to make. It all gets so confusing and twisted and suddenly everyone is too scared to make a move because they don't want to rock the boat.

At least the sun was shining today I suppose.

Monday, Monday

Once again I find it has been some time since I've posted. I believe in some ways I am incapable of maintaining a virtual journal, diary, record of my life. For some reason when I was attempting to maintain a paper journal things went a little better. Though in saying that, it's been some time since I wrote in my physical journal as well.

Not sure what prompted this.

We've moved house. I can hear the kids going by after school. I used to be able to hear that in the old house however now it's much closer as we actually live on a relatively busy street and are just a few steps from the fence line. Plus there is no hill, so people won't avoid the street!

Lois has decided to take up sitting in the bathroom sink. Not sure what has prompted this change as she usually dislikes water greatly. And yet here she is allowing it to drip on her. Strange creature. She's picked up a few weird habits since we moved, nothing dangerous, but things which just seem somewhat odd from her usual self. I guess we all need time to adjust to change.

I'm shortly going to end my time at Pax Lodge. I'm both happy and sad about this. For a multitude of reasons. Yes, I shall miss the people factor greatly. But the rest I'm perfectly happy to leave behind. Someone asked me that if I had the chance to do it over again, would I? The answer is no. Part of me wants to regret my decision to go back. Then the other part of me knows that had that been the case then I'd not have met some of the people I have and in all honesty I can't imagine life without them.

Gilmore Girls is on. It is a funny show, random and hilarious and just a show that requires little thought.

Relationships

Its become increasingly aware to me that I have a growing number of friends who are unhappy in their relationships. Surprisingly to them, its because there is some sort of unequal meeting of minds. I've always counted myself lucky to have found Erin. More so recently, when things have been harder and more adult like to deal with. Right from the word go we promised each other that we were not going to become people who morph into a couple and lose sight of who we are as individuals.

I'm happy to report that six and a half years later we're still true to that. And frankly that's fine by me! While we do complete each other, we do not occupy each other. I have my friends, she has hers and then we have friends which are shared. That's not to say we don't mingle, I know her friends and she knows mine, but we both value and respect the fact that we both have different needs from our friends. They represent elements our personalities need which are lacking in each other. I think that's healthy. I mean I wouldn't want to be the sole supplier of Erin's social happiness, it would be somewhat draining! I expect she feels the same.

What I love most about us that while we have dreams and goals as a couple, we still have dreams and goals as individuals and respect each other for that. We don't stand in the way, we support where we can and while we might not understand the need or why, we understand that its important to who we are and that's what matters. We compromise a little, but not at the expense of losing who we are. After all, its being ourselves that we both fell in love with some time ago. Fundamentally I'd never want Erin to change who she is, yes she's a book loving nerd who enjoys sci-fi and classic stories and a thirst for academic knowledge. But I fell in love with that, I'd never want it to change.

Relationships are complicated at the best of times, be it with friends, colleagues or random people we need to deal with at dentists or doctors or even on the train. Despite these complexities, we need them. But for me what I need more is someone who, at the end of the day, will love me no matter what. For who and what I am. And for what I dream about at night.

Pointless

And indeed it is. I've reached a point where life seems pointless. Now don't panic, I'm not down and out nor am I ready to end it all. More of I just seem to get up, go to work, come home, eat and go to bed. That has become the pattern of my life and I never thought it would come to that. Not that I'm a social butterfly and want to be out every night, but I feel like I am stuck in the routine and rut that is my existance.

My job is a job, thought much better than my last job in that I at least feel like I'm helping with something, making a small difference in the world. But still it is not completely satisfying. Erin tells me I give to much and am easily taken advantage of.

Clearly its not working.

So some years ago I decided that a blog was the way to go. As I've mentioned a few times this only works as well as the effort to keep it up. Can you believe I last wrote in July 2011? I totally can if I am honest. My lapse of time hasn't gone unnoticed. They say you shouldn't mark time, but its hard not to when you realise life is leaping from one event to another.

On The Eve...

...of my 27th Birthday, while rendered motionless by a problematic knee, I decided it was about time I came and wrote. I have thought about it a number of times however its rare to get time to myself. Not a block time where I can sit down and ponder, or babble or whatever it is I feel like doing.

A few entries back I made a list of what I wanted to achieve this year. I laughed when I read it because yes, I managed the January plan but that was about it. Shame. In saying that, there have been a large number of changes going on so all things considered I have indeed achieved things, just not the things I'd planned to. But then that's life and I'm pretty sure most of you are aware of that, be it in your own lives or indeed in following my own journey.

Tomorrow I turn 27. In the next three years I really only have two major things that I want to achieve. One is to publish a book, the other is to have a child. The first has never really been a secret, more that I need to keep saying it because I will run out of time life being what it is. The second a few of you have known about, and there are probably a few more of you who knew about the desire but that was as far as it went. As the months flip by, I find myself confronted with a number of growing body complaints. My fears are that as I near the age of 30, the genetic disease I have will start to take effect. Through the wonder that is Facebook I've been able to connect with a network and an organisation here in the UK for people with the same problem. And although the effects on everyone will differ, there is a general pattern and I'd like to be as active a parent as I can. I'm not panicking, I'm just aware is all. While Erin cringes at the thought of giving birth, hence that's my job, she has been very supporting and even getting on board with the whole being parents thing. Which I admit, I'm pretty happy about!

Moving swiftly along from a subject I could probably talk about for hours, work has well, worked out! Its been three months now since I finished with Back to Health. I only realised that the other day and was struck just how swiftly life has continued since then. Indeed I'm also every once in a while reminded about how much of my life, my emotions and general well being was impacted by that job. As much as I hate to admit it, what has been said is true. I'm much happier now. So, where am I at?

At the start of May I started at Pax Lodge! Yes, I'm a paid staff member of WAGGGS which is pretty darn cool, lets be honest!! Much has changed while in some ways much is still the same. On a day to day basis it may seem that I've traded one evil for another, but I don't believe that is the case. I spend at a minimum 15 hours a week commuting assuming all runs to time, so understandably I am tired. However when push comes to shove on even the most horridly stressful, complicated or annoying days, its worth it. There's a bigger picture coupled with the job that I was previously lacking. I'm working for an organisation that I am passionate about, in a building which I care about which has a history that is partly my own. You have to admit, that makes me a very lucky person! How many of you can say that about your own jobs?!

Obviously, I don't live on site which was a large part of the appeal of the position. I've done my time!! That sounds terrible, I know. But having previous experience living and working in the same place for 14 months, I know I couldn't do it again. Its a great thing to do, but I am at a different point in my life now, and it just wasn't an option. The advantage is that for the most part by the time I've reached the front door, work has been left behind at work which is nice and something I've not done for a number of years now.

Times Are A Changing

Fickle is a word I like a hell of a lot. I think for such a short word it's just ideal to describe a certain feeling which at times can be quite complicated and you expect a word which is fitting to explain that feeling would be somewhat longer. Perhaps it's just something I think about and everyone now officially thinks I'm weird. Oh wells.

The biggest news of late was my finally being pushed over the edge and resigning from my job. It in itself is all rather complicated because its both gut wrenching and freeing. The closer my final days come, the more sure I feel that I've made the right choice. However, it's hard to say good bye to the patients (and there have been a wide range of responses) and the people I work with and its scary to know that I still don't have a job to go to. I mean, I have a week off, then we're flying out to the US for two weeks and then I need to get a job pretty soon after that. I'm sure it'll be fine. But it doesn't make the unknown any less scary. I am sure that can be applied to a variety of circumstances and I'm sure a number of you, if not all of you, can relate to that feeling.

In saying that, I have been working hard at applying for jobs. And I've spent more of a focus on jobs which I want, or for organisations I want to work for. Yes, I've registered with a few temp agencies because the bottom line is, I will need money!! But I think my general level of happiness will improve greatly because I think there will be less of that feeling where I am constantly fighting a losing battle. Its all a bit too morally disheartening. I can't function like that and I feel like I've come far enough in my own journey to finally be able to do that about work. And things I don't really have to do, or choose to do. I mean, there is always that little voice which gets worried about decisions I make. True, at the moment life is not ideal and if it all boils down to it, I'm here and now because of a choice I made. Yes, moving to the UK was a choice Erin and I did make together, but I pushed for it a lot more than she did and I think she'd have waited a while longer. However, it's done now and here we are. Its sort of empowering really to know that life can be influenced that much and changed to much.

Which makes me think about all the people in Japan. To be going about daily life and suddenly have a natural disaster like that unfold, and then have more bad things happen on top of each other . . . I think it certainly challenges the spirit of a nation and a culture. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Its heartbreaking to see it on the news, and to hear how things are still unfolding. I thank my lucky stars that I do have the life I have and lets face it, I'm happy and healthy and have a steady place to live. I have people who care about me around me.

Ahh TV is so entertaining. There's so much rubbish on there! And what qualifies as entertainment is crazy. I feel somewhat horrid for going from Japan's Disaster to something as unimportant as TV, but I have it on in the background at the moment.

I'm debating going outside. It feels like springtime is finally here. There is sunshine and cloudless skies out there. Yes, its still kinda fresh out there but its so lovely to see the sun and see how pretty it makes everything. I was thinking about gardening. Not today, but soon. However I really don't know all that much about it! I like the idea of growing things, but I don't have a great track record in doing so and I'm also wondering if I should have started planting things by now? I haven't a clue!!

Is it Time?

Time struck me today. Yes that's right, it reached down and hit me on the side of the head with a force unlike any I've ever felt. No, not really, but provides for an interesting image doesn't it?! The hands on my watch, extending out from the face, swishing around in the air and making contact with my skin, snapping my head sidewards . . . but back onto my point.

I was sitting on the train thinking about things. Seems I have been doing that a lot lately. Not necessarily in a bad way, just like my brain has started to want to process again and I wander off into my thoughts and it needs to be something jarring which brings me back to real time. Point being I was watching the rain dribble down the windows and it occurred to me that this July marks a decade since I first went overseas. I mean we've been saying it for a while now, how we should have a SOAR reunion and get together. As it turns out, there is a chance we could be doing that but I don't know, it seems crazy to think that it's been a decade. Really?

There's a part of me which can't quite comprehend my life in decades. Yet it is. I'm two and a bit years off three decades of life. I can't fathom that it's ten years which have passed. But then something else came up the other day which made me think the very same thing. I've not a clue what it was though. 'Oh it's been a decade since . . .' nope it's gone, long vanished from the memory.

To Show For It

As yet another year of my life passed me by, I realised that as an individual I didn't achieve anything. And I can hear some of you now, screaming at me YES YOU DID! But let me explain. For the most part 2010 was a year I'd like to forget. Looking back I don't feel like I have a whole lot to show for it, as me, as Rachael.

In 2010, as a part of a relationship, I went through a lot and ultimately achieved a great deal after a great amount of effort. Not only did my partner get into the country, but we legally Wed and are now Wife & Wife. Which I do admit to gaining great joy out of, especially when I drop it into a conversation! Makes people pause. And amuses me.

From a career point of view, as a practice team, we did accomplish a great deal. And we should be proud of what we were able to do all things considered.

Being a member of an International Movement, I joined the UK Girl Guides and found a unit which seems to have become home, as twisted and as crazy as they are. I do quite enjoy my Friday nights. Some may argue that this was for me, and in some ways it is, but I also place a lot of faith in going good for the community. Thus, I am.

When I talk about not having anything to show for that twelve months of my life, I talk about the things which are for me personally. Take the London LOOP for example. I had intended to finish it in 2010, but as it turns out, I didn't even walk a single leg of it. I attempted NaNo, but failed to reach the word count. I had hoped to do something about my writing. But in the grand scheme of things, I just let life happen and the time pass me by.

Frankly, it pisses me off. I am not, nor have I ever been, the kind of person who does that. So I got a little indignant about it and decided I needed to achieve at least one thing each month this year that is for me. I still have a few months to fill in, but I'm thinking something like this:

January: Complete pitch for Publishing Competition
February: Wedge every single day (for my neck) and Firewalk (thanks Vic!!)
March:
April:
May: Complete two legs of the London LOOP
June:
July: See Harry Potter, opening night.
August: Enjoy my Wedding Celebrations & catch up with Family and Friends
September: Complete two legs of the London LOOP
October:
November: Write 50,000 words for NaNo
December:

Yes, there are still some holes in it. But you get the idea. While I have given it some thought, there is still more to be made and no doubt over time it'll change a little. But I want to have done something, be it for personal gain or enjoyment. For me. As an Individual.

Primitive Fear

I feel somewhat self centred in my motives for writing this blog.

There are times when I want nothing other than to talk about myself and what I am feeling. Which some might argue is the very point of starting a blog. Honestly speaking however, that's not something I tend to follow through on because of the public nature of this document. Which in turn sort of renders this a redundant activity to immerse myself in.

On the other hand there are the times, like today, when I feel so helpless or scared or in awe that I can do nothing else other than write. In the grand scheme of things it can do nothing to bring about change. Not really. Not with things in which there is no control. I mean some change, but not now, not like this.

Right now Queensland is flooding. The worst since 1974, with the anticipation that horribly the worst it yet to come. I guess it wasn't until I was reading about how the city of Brisbane was having its power purposefully cut off that I understood how extreme it was. Yes, I've seen the photos and the video. But it's not until I read those very words that I felt scared. And I'm on the other side of the world. I can't imagine what it must feel like to be there, in the same state, the same region, the same city, the same street. It like watching one of those end of the world disaster movies, you can do nothing but sit there and watch it unfold. The difference being that this is real life. These are real people in real situations. And I feel somewhat helpless. Like many people to I should imagine.

It puts a lot of things in perspective too.

For me 2010 was a bad year. One I am ready to wipe from my memory like writing on a chalk board. Okay, fair enough there are a few moments I'd like to keep but for the most part it sucked. Some of that has carried over into the New Year. I'm still struggling. With a lot of things really. But when I think about people being swept away and pets being lost and homes being destroyed, I realise how much I still have to be thankful for. Yes, I have friends and family in Queensland. And not to discredit my love and care for them, but some of the most important people in my life are here with me. I can't imagine being swept away from them. I would be gutted. I know I would. The sheer thought of it makes me want to grab hold of my loved ones and never let them go.

Again, the reality is I can't. And it scares me. I begin to realise just how insecure I have become in some ways. How fragile I seem to think my foundations are. And I can't understand why. I've always been such a strong person. Right now is not the time to have that fail on me. I have some choices to make. Some truths to face up to. I need all the strength I can find. But physically I simply can't and its now taking it's toll on my mental well being. So I get scared easy.

Which brings me back to the floods. Many years ago I remember being shown a map of the future world. A Spiritual friend of the family showed it to me. I can remember thinking how unlikely it seemed to be. Thinking that parts of the world can't be flooded or eroded. Not like that. Not so soon. Not in my lifetime. But then as I got older and more worldly, I understood that for a lot of reasons it could very much be something that will happen in my lifetime. And so when I get scared, in moments or disbelief or despair, I think of that map. And when I see the images of the flooding on the TV, it's all I can think of. When I see the photos, I see the map. When I read the stories, I can sense the tears, the fear, the panic. What if it were sooner?

All that, and I'm not even there. Gosh it must be terrifying.

I'm not big on the power of prayer. However, I'm thinking now might be the time to change that.

Impulses

I thought it might be interesting to follow up on my previous blog. Yes, indeed something was burning!! It was a Chinese Market/Store that started just before I started smelling it and continued well into the next day causing chaos with trams and people alike. Thankfully no one died.

That aside, I felt like writing. Actually the oddity is that I was just randomly poking around on the NaNo forum walls for the region and well, they were kinda quiet. And then I was thinking about NaNo in general and realised I was quite looking forward to November again. I have no idea what I'll write about this year, but strangely so that does not bother me. I think I like the challenge of it. I think I like how it's not something I have a huge amount of control over. I like the chase, I like how I get a thrill from seeing the word count go up and up.

Erin has finally arrived in the UK which is great news. In fact it was so easy for her to get through customs that she was out and in the arrivals hall before I even arrived at the airport! In saying that, her flight was early and we worked out if it had arrived on time, I'd have been there. But such a drastic difference to January! Thus now we're trying to adjust to being an 'Us' again. It is quite strange really. No, not strange. Just odd. Different. I know I spent so much time thinking about and remembering that life we had back when we had it . . . it's much harder to slip back into than I thought it would be. And after 15 months apart, that's not actually all that surprising.

In addition to that, I think a part of me is shifting too. I can't really explain it. I won't even attempt to. There's just that thought or feeling that something is to come. Who knows, maybe I'll get a really awesome job!! Or win the lotto!! Or maybe I shall get a really cool camera soon!!

Alas, break is almost over. To work I go . . .

Night Burning

Its well into July and I realised that it has been some time since I last blogged. Years ago it would have been writing in journal, and while that still happens, technology has moved on. That's not to say that I still don't use the conventional pen and paper -because I do. I believe I always will. But it is much easier to type, I can get out much more much quicker. I've had this discussion multiple times before.

I guess what always strikes me is how much can happen in such a small amount of time and how intense the emotions can be which are attached to them. You would think that with so much going on in life that writing would be the logical way to sort things out. And usually that is the case. But more and more I am finding that the thoughts, the words, the expressions just want to stay in my mind. I'm yet to figure why that's the case because as some of you know, it's the easiest thing in the world for me to do. Or it used to be. There's a huge block there now days, almost like an inner censorship which will not allow things to leave the confines of that silly grey matter aloft up there.

This evening my windows are open. Like most really. However, the scent of what I can only associate to a campfire has come wafting in. Some person out there has quite randomly decided to burn something not realised just how far away it can send me. As I sit here in my boxed up flat, I find myself not looking at the cardboard, not aware of the couch or the carpet, of the time of day. Rather all I can think of in my mind, all I can feel around me, are the moments in time I've found myself at Minda Killara. There are some quite pivotal moments had there, as a girl, a teenager and as a young adult. I find myself missing the place. I guess I'd not given it much thought until right now. How I yearn to sit in what was once the chapel, a clearing on the side of a hill looking out over the gum trees in the morning light, listening to the Kookaburra's calling to each other.

Its a big week. This weekend I make the move to South Croydon, I'm looking forward to it, but dreading it all at the same time. Moving is stressful. Though its nothing compared to moving half way across the world, this still somehow seems challenging. Within mere days of that, Erin shall arrive. To be honest I'm dreading the return to Gatwick airport. While I know that the visa has been approved, and I know nothing should go wrong, and while I anticipate a long wait, my gut just isn't happy. Like I am expecting something else to go wrong. Its a rather negative outlook to have, I know, but I guess I'm waiting for the next bump on the road. It could be somewhat nieve to think that from this point on, things should start going in our direction, life will return to normal domestic bliss. A part of me wonders if that will ever happen again. Almost like I have forgotten what that feels like.

Amazingly, its been almost two years since the move to the UK was decided on, some nineteen months since it was executed and a long sixteen months of ups and downs here in Old London Town. What is it like to be normal again? To a degree it's been partly normal, I've got a job and a routine and had a place to live. And yet . . . its been abnormal too.

Understandably there's a lot of uncertainty. That's to be expected. However I'm tired of that being my excuse. I've used it so much in recent times!! I'm tired of it being expected, I want it all to settle down again!!

Hmmm, how's that for a side track. I write because I can smell and remember a comforting place. Though when I say it like that its less random and more significant. I have just realised, this is the longest I have ever been gone from Australia. Wholly crap. Yep, I've been gone 19 months!

Working, is it?

Something which has astounded me this past week is just how out of touch I have been with things. The past few months have been tough, which is both known and understandable. But the scary part is how self aware I was. The answer, not very. Communication via many means has been at an all time low. Days blurred into weeks simply by sleeping, eating and working. Sleeping too little, eating too much and working away at a job which has consumed my soul. That's about the best way I can put it.

Lets get one thing clear. I am grateful for a wage, its been better than nothing, though the reality is that I live month to month. Barely. But I live. I'm also incredibly lucky to have worked with the dwindling team that I have. I certainly have no gripes about them. Nothing beyond normal. In fact, should they know it or not, in some ways each of them has played a role in supporting me. And it's this which I've realised has become a problem. My key issue is that I am far too loyal. I don't mean to say that big headedly (is that even a word?). In fact some of you have openly told me that its a flaw of mine. And I'm starting to see why.

Right now I'm caught between being the loyal person I am, and being selfish and careless enough to want to walk away. Bottom line is I won't because I'm not that stupid to put myself in a situation not to have a wage. For those of you who know me and know me well, I can be a passionate person. I've always been a hard worker and I've always been lucky enough to work with and for, people who value that.

I've become aware of how far away from that person I have become. I've come to realise that my current employment situation has not only worn down my working spirit and ethic, but my expectations as well. Frankly, I don't want to do anything. And why should I? That seems to have become my attitude and I HATE that. I've never been against a lot of hard work for little in return. But the difference has always been that it's been worth it. My current job, is not.

Yesterday afternoon I sat on the North End here in Croydon. And can I say, there are far too many pubs in Croydon, make of that what you will. As the sun lowered in the sky, I watched people walk by. I started to think about how life is going to get so much better and that the promise of the life I want is much stronger now. How the blockage has gone. Which is ironic really, because we talk about blockages at work, though we actually use a different term. The irony is that work itself has become a blockage. I need to get out, I need to save whatever remains of my former working self before it too is gone. But on the flip side, I don't want to let anyone down.

I guess in some ways I should have seen this coming. Stupidly I turned down a job just before Christmas. It really didn't pay too much more than I was earning. At the time there were great discussions with the powers that be about how things were going to get better. Its now six months later and I actually believe things are a damn sight worse. All I could think about yesterday was that how maybe I'd missed my chance at Christmas, my chance to escape and move on. Now I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.

When talking to Erin about how brilliant it is that she's finally going to be able to get here (and it totally is, in case you've not gotten that yet!!) she said that it didn't solve all my problems. I laughingly said it didn't matter, it would make them better able to be handled. In part I was right, but in part so was she. In fact I think having one part of my life go right and free up some of the consciousness, it's made me more aware of other areas that are lacking and wrong.

Yes, I am a believer in things happening for a reason. However if I reflect over the past 12 months, I can't quite figure out the benefits of taking on this job. Aside from saving me from more months of unemployment. If we are to learn something from all things, all happenings in life, what the hell have I learned from this? And how has it been to my advantage?

The Wait is Over!

I've been crying. Yes indeed, I will admit it to the world, I sobbed and sobbed! Not tears of sadness, but joy, and more over, release. I hadn't quite realised how much I had been trying not to think about how I felt. And when you consider the level to which I was aware, the fact I'm aware of even more only begins to describe how things have been.

I'll be honest, this past week or so I'd all but convinced myself that life was going to drastically change for the worse. I'd been thinking about single life, about where to live and what to do. I had a third anxiety attack. It was all over and done with because I couldn't handle the waiting. It sounds silly really, but it's been a long 15 months apart with a brief, yet stressful, four days together. And yet today, June 17th, the news finally arrives that Erin's visa has been approved!

The love and support I have been given these past few but long months, has been amazing. Family, friends and my Phile Family have in both large and small ways continued to remind me that no matter what the outcome, people love me and will be there for me in any way that they can. To those who wrote letters of support for the Visa application. I thank you in more ways that I ever could. There were some beautiful words said, and know that they are treasured. To those who listened to me moan, complain, cry and yell, indeed all the spectrum of human emotion there are -I will in debt to you. It's not been easy putting up with me. But you have and you are still here. That means the world to me. I am sure I could keep listing. To everyone else, you know who you are and what you have done.

Indeed, there is still lots to do. Plan and move and save and sign. But we know. We have our answer. The plans we made and put on hold can again start to move forward. No longer will life be on hold. It took time, and far more patients and emotions than I knew I was capable of. However I can surely say it has been worth it. Much needs to happen now, but by comparison, to me it seems easy as now the wait is over.

Now, I can sleep.

That's Twisted

No big news yet! Let's just get that out now. Still, there are a couple of days left of the week so I shouldn't rule it out yet. However, another curious thing has happened this week which I hadn't expected and isn't entirely a bad thing. I've started to write again. I'm not even sure what set it off to be honest, but it was almost like I woke up, and it was there. The urge. That idea. Can I tell you how great it felt yesterday (one of the many instances I've had) to pick up a pen and just write, to have the words flow out and fill half a page in no time. I didn't even know what I was writing about, I just wrote it. And it's not half bad for a mostly unconscious effort!

I've a couple of small choices to make this week, nothing hugely dramatic, but I think I have them sorted out. And peacefully so. Which I'm glad of. And one I am a bit excited about. No, I'm not going away anywhere, unfortunately! Though I really would like to.

Guides this week and next week sees me at the steering wheel. We're going to do the Australian Challenge which I've got to be honest, isn't really all that Australian. I mean bits of it are, and in occar form. Anyway, I'm looking forward to it. I'm enjoying being with an active unit again, though the timing is bad because summer is not far off starting and there will be a huge break! Just as I was starting to get the hang of some of the kids names! The end of term will be a Decades Night, for the Centenary, and each patrol is taking a decade and running an activity. Some are going all out and dressing up big time!! Others not so much.

Yesterday I ventured into the Croydon Library and signed up for a Library card. Only took me a year. Ha ha ha, no point rushing into these things. Initially I was excited by all the wonderful books I could borrow, but I have to admit to leaving feeling somewhat dismal and disheartened by the collection they have there. Seriously, it leaves a lot to be desired for. Unless that's a reflection of the community which is both unsurprising and surprising considering it is a student town.

Great Expectations

There is something in the air today. I'm not really sure what it is. Sure, probably the usual mix of pollution, garbage and onions which by chance seems to be the vegetable fragrance of choice around here of late. I'm not sure why that is. However, there is also something else. A sense of knowing I think. No. A sense of expectation, like big things are going to happen.

True, this could come in any great shape or form. I dare not hold my breath in the hope of news of the visa coming through. I think that might be expecting just a tad too much. But it's something else. It's something big. Seriously, I have this sense of awe and excitement much like I had getting on the plant to fly to Pax Lodge a couple of years ago. Minus the fear of course. Heck, I had no idea what I'd let myself in for then!

Quite simply, I can't shake it. As a result I've been in an unusually good mood today. No, scrub that. Not a good mood, a positive mood. Nothing has bummed me out. Not my laundry, not my dishes, not even cleaning the hair from the shower drain. Oh come on, hair falls out when you shower! And seriously, I don't scoop it all out after every single wash. You don't either, so don't judge me! However, we're not talking about my cleaning habits. We were talking about great expectations.

Thus I put it to fate now, this week better be a promising one! I expect it to be! I expect a big piece of good news, got that?! I'm just not sure what it is. Actually I feel for certain it's not the visa. I think it's job related, be it my current employment of maybe the prospect of future employment? Yes, it's job driven. Or related. Ohh maybe someone I work with has good news. Ohh maybe there's a baby on the way! Or someone is getting married. Or a raise Or . . .hmmm that one I can't announce to the world as it's not mine to announce. But that's a thought . . .

Oh wow, now I am excited!! I even think I am looking forward to going t work tomorrow!

Blah Blah Blah

It's a month until my 26th Birthday! I'm entirely sure why I have an ! at the end of that line. Admittedly I'm not all that excited about it. I've been far too concerned thinking about how quickly (in some ways) time has been moving along and how quickly I will be 30 soon. I think I'm having a midlife crisis. Or mid twenties crisis.

I'm in a weird mood. I actually feel like company this evening. Which is odd because usually at the end of a day at work with so many people coming and going, the last thing I want to have to deal with is entertaining guests. Eh. It'll pass no doubt. Lately my emotions are like the seasons. Too many in a day!

The day started with me looking at people and hearing nothing but that noise the adults make in the Charlie Brown cartoons. Seriously! And the brain has been so slow to process things today, I feel like the computer at work. Always slow to process. As the day went on, I was excited and mused by a few different things. Then I went to Mothercare which opened a whole can or worms I'd rather not go into at the moment. And now, well, I just am. Right here in this moment. A lull. Something exciting needs to happen people!!

The Waiting Game

I've always considered myself to be a patient person. Depending on the circumstance, some would say I have the patience of a saint. I on the other hand know there are times when quite frankly my patience fails me and all I feel like doing is slamming someones head into a wall. Oh come on, this should not come as any shock, I am a redhead after all!! Besides, you can't tell me you've not had one of those moments. Ever. Circumstances, I know, I know.

My patience right now is pushing the limit, though much different to anything I've experienced before. We've now entered into week five of waiting for news on Erin's Visa. I know the reality is that I need to pace myself, there still could be a few weeks of this to go, but somehow it's managed to creep up on me without my knowing it. I spent most of Monday unable to focus on anything. The coin finally dropped this evening as I was walking home as to what is causing all this unrest, this fidgeting, this lack of attention. Indeed, what has caused the onset of my anxiety attacks to return.

Yes thats right. For those of you who didn't know, I suffered from them upon my return to Australia a few years ago. With thanks to a supportive friend, a great therapist and eventually some medication, I got them under control and eventually they were gone. I should have seen the signs really. I had a small one a week back. But at the time I'd just put it down to being tired. Indeed stressing out about things. It was the one which crept up on me walking home this evening that made me understand that somehow, some way, everything that I am feeling (or not at times) is because I am waiting.

It sounds stupid I know, and the easiest thing in the world to say that I should just get on with it and wait and see what happens and sort of plan some damage control for either outcome. Have a back up plan. Have something ready. And indeed I did do that. Have done that. But there are factors and outcomes involved in all this which not everyone is aware of and may never be unless they need to. Which is fine, that's my right. I remain, as always, a private person in certain matters. Its just that, I have moments where I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a river and the water is rushing by all around me. I watch people come and go and plan and laugh and all the things which come together when living life. I'm just there. Waiting. Waiting for the bus that never seems to come when you've got some place to be.

For what it's worth, I've probably been ignorant enough until recent months to this feeling. The reality is for Erin that's something she's been dealing with for some time having put an education on hold in the hopes of having her personal life sorted. And to a degree, maybe I knew that and maybe I was aware that I myself was doing that too. I just didn't expect it to all come shouting at me all at once. I find myself wanting to check e-mail every 5 minutes. Check my phone. Check anything which might indicate to me what is going to happen today. Tomorrow. Next week or god forbid, next month.

I wish I were like people who lost weight when under pressure. Clearly I am not. I unfortunately was blessed with the curse of eating my emotions. Or drinking. Or smoking, though that one not so much any more. I constantly feel like an addict must feel waiting for that next hit. I'm jittery. I can't seem to focus too much. I seem to have this energy which needs to get out but somehow manifests not into the desire to take a walk (or laughably so, a run) rather I've realised it holds me prisoner. In a room. In a building. In a mindset which can think of nothing else and it's driving me mad! Gah!

A-hem. I'll calm myself. Its times like this I wish it were November and I could bury myself into the need to finish NaNo. And trust me, I've tried to fool myself into thinking it's the perfect time to write, to explore and expand the world of past, present and new characters. But when it comes to sitting down, hands poised over the key board all I get is that stupid blinking cursor sitting on the word document before me. And then I lose focus.

Thus it becomes a vicious circle. Dearest Immigration Visa Person, where ever you are, please, please, PLEASE hurry up and make your mind up. On the flip side, knowing also scares me. I can't win either way.

The Road to Plymouth

I'm not actually going to take the metaphorical approach to that one! Basically, I need a break, albeit a cheap but effective one. I've been asked a few times now why I chose Plymouth. Pretty much I looked at my UK map, chose somewhere in Britain I'd not been to yet, was far away and cheap enough to get to. And here I am!

The idea of a 5h 20m coach journey might seem like a nightmare. True, I ended up with a stranger next to me who stunk to high heaven of airplane (you know that stale air smell, and admittedly she did get on at Heathrow and admittedly she said she'd been on a plane all night . . .). True the bloke behind me never once got off his phone. True, for a multitude of reasons the journey became close to 7 hours. But frankly, it didn't matter. As strange as it sounds, the further we drove from London, I could almost feel myself relax. Put everything out of my mind and just enjoy the scenery, the brilliant tunes on my iPod and consider that the only thing which would improve the trip was if I was actually driving. And somehow I don't think Dave would be okay with that. Mind you, by the time we got here he may have been willing!

When I chose a weekend to take off, it didn't occur to me to check for a Bank Holiday. And then when I chose Plymouth, it didn't occur to me to check for the annual Plymouth Mini Marathon . . .but oh wells!! Point being, the traffic today was chaos. Combined with road work (which there seem to be a hell of a lot of!) we were all ready behind in time before we got to Bristol. By the time we got to Sedgecombe, we were so far behind that we had to stop because Dave the driver had to take his mandatory 45 minute break. Frankly I didn't care. I was enjoying the trip! The scenery was stunning and it was a glorious day! Sunshine and blue skies.

The coach's final destination was Penzance, and the irony was not lost on me when Captain Jack Sparrow boarded. I'm serious!! Though I was disappointed when he alighted here in Plymouth. Speaking of which, there's a WalkAbout here! I've found my entertainment for tomorrow night! Anyways, along the road I spotted deer, a hawk and a dinosaur. Driving through Bristol I saw a group of guys in women's bathing suits. Armed with cans of beer. No doubt they'll have had an interesting evening!

Plymouth was lovely when I got here. Seaside!! It has been a stunning evening and I've just sort of relaxed and enjoyed a TV! I found my way from the bus station to West Hoe with little or no direction or help, just the memory of a birds eye view map of the area! I came to the Guest House/B&B I'm staying at where I was greeted by the husband of the couple who own the place. He's Spanish and introduced himself with his Spanish name and seeing my concern at being able to pronounce it properly, he declared that I could just call him Justin! I'm staying on the second floor in room number 7. Its my own room, has a shower and sink it in and the toilet is out on the landing. I quite like it. And the bed is comfy and I have a TV, lol. So it really is a holiday!! For those of you who don't get that, I don't have a TV at home and haven't for over 12 months now.

Anyways, I unpacked everything and then went out for a walk to a local store and purchased a few bits and pieces in terms of food and snack type stuff for the next few days. I then stopped at a fish and chip shop and got my dinner, then went and sat on the seaside and ate it. Literally, it's like a 2 minute walk from here, if that. We actually have a roof top garden here and the view is very cool! I am thinking I may go sit out there at some stage over the next few days and do a little reading. Maybe Sunday evening.