Pangs of Sadness

Do no fret, I am not depressed. Well yes I am, hence I'm on an anti-depressant. What I mean though is that the title of this post should not set off alarm bells. It more describes momentary glimpses into my life. I'm not even sure I know how to explain it, all I can say is that I experienced a similar thing in the weeks leading up to my departure for Pax Lodge. I knew it would happen again knowing that this time I am going to leave for good, however I did not think it would start so soon.

There seems to be a lot of streams of sadness coming from people around me at the moment, its almost like I can feel their emotions. All the sad ones, bad ones, regretful ones. On the same token however, I also have my own pangs of sadness because of a comment or an action on my own part.

We had our house warming on Saturday afternoon. As one of our guests were leaving, one of these pangs crept up on me. Its almost like I can glimpse life here without me. Not in the same way I did some three years ago because back then I believed the world would fall apart without me in it, people here would not cope when I was gone. I think that's because I felt I held far too much responsibility. Since that time I have learned to see a value in myself and how much others really do think of me on a sentimental level. A large part of this awareness of myself all comes down to Erin's doing and I'm actually quite greatful for that. What I am getting at is, in these rare moments which I am sure will come more frequently as time passes, I can almost see a lost person, a person with that missing part or element that I can give them. I realise that I mean a lot more to people than I give myself credit for. I do not say that with a big head, I merely say it because deep down I think I do feel guilty for making them feel that way. Yet I also know that I can't stay where I am not happy, my happiness is not something I am willing to sacrifice for others.

On a lighter note, ha funny I should choose that, I weigh in again this week. After last weeks result I'm not feeling all that confident. I'm scared I've put on! Because I felt like I'd lost like a lot but it seems I'd only toned up a bit. Boot Camp starts next week and I am so going to die, it'll kill me. I am scared to see how horribly unfit I am, but on the same token I'm excited about it ending because I will know that come the end of the 8 weeks, I'll be able to do things I won't have been able to do when I began.